Keegan Michael Key, Stocks With Brian Koppelman, And Fyre Fest Of The Week

I'm shorting Robinhood as soon as they go live

I'm shorting Robinhood, though, when they eventually go live.

Blockbuster stock is going to make me a millionaire

Blockbuster, bro. It was one cent when I talked about it last time. It is now seven cents. What? Let's go. I called it. Billy is a Blockbuster millionaire.

The 'Reddit millionaires' will be the funniest class of millionaires ever

I need the quote-unquote trolls of the internet... to be the power players and shift the entire dynamic... the Reddit millionaires are going to be fucking hilarious.

The United States only unites if aliens start a war with us

The only way that the USA could come back together and all pull on the same side is if aliens came down to earth and start a war with us, then we'd all be like, yeah, fuck you. We'll fight against it.

David Cully is just a stopgap hire to get to Josh McCown

My favorite conspiracy is that I'm seeing this report as being a stopgap to get them to Josh McCown as their head coach... They're saying that David Cully is going to be the interim head coach.

David Cully's coaching history is a major red flag

He was a wide receivers coach in the NFL from 1994 to 2010. That feels like a long time to be a wide receivers coach and not get a promotion. So he's an expert.

Deshaun Watson is ruining the team he wants to be traded to

You're essentially saying, I want to be traded to a team that then will give up a bunch of draft capital and then hurt my ability to play for a winning team. In a way, yeah. He's almost kind of shitting in his own house and then buying the house.

No team should trade four first-round picks for Deshaun Watson

I think that you would be screwing yourself so royally over for the future if you give up four first-round picks... I wouldn't do it for four.

I would never trade Patrick Mahomes for anything

I wouldn't trade Patrick Mahomes for anything. I mean, you're pretty much guaranteeing that you're going to the AFC Championship game for the next, like, 15 years.

Analysis cannot ruin comedy

I am of the belief that you can't ruin it by analyzing it... W.C. Fields, he's the one that said, he goes, I can't tell you what's funny. I can't tell you why. And my thing is part of my fascination with comedy has always been trying to figure out the why.

Adult laughter is a release of social tension and uncomfortability

When we're babies, we don't laugh for that reason. When we're babies, we laugh out of joy. When we get older, we laugh out of uncomfortability. So you're diaphragm contracting... is a release of social tension and uncomfortability.

The first recorded joke in history was a fart joke

The first recorded joke... was from the 19th century BC, 1900 BC. And it's a Sumerian joke... about a young bride who farts as she sits on her husband's lap.

Jackass is the most universal and primal form of comedy

I honestly think that you could show Jackass to anybody that's ever lived in any society, in any civilization, and they would laugh at it... From the Sumerians to today... it's just primal.

The stock market 'pause button' was hit only to save the fat cats

The game's rigged. They literally rigged it in plain sight... The fat cats in Wall Street are basically going to figure it out, going to blame the small guy, going to make new rules. Like, we've already seen it.

Civil damages against Robinhood for breaking user agreements could be enormous

If Robinhood shut down and stopped you from being able to trade, in violation of the user agreement you signed, I think the damages against them in a civil case are fucking extraordinary, enormous damages.

A billionaire without a sports team is doing life wrong

I also think that it's a big red flag to me that if somebody's a billionaire and they don't own a sports team, it's like, what are you doing? What has all this been for? What's the point? If you're not going to spend money on something cool.

Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset

I learned a lesson, which is Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset. Yeah, absolutely. No regrets.

Six people can fit in a whale's vagina

Wales, you can fit six people in a Wales [whale's] vagina. Sick.