Takes

Joe Flacco is officially no longer elite and stinks

I think Flacco stinks. Are we now worried that Joe Flacco's eliteness is so far behind us that we will never remember that he was once elite?

Ben Roethlisberger has the worst body in America

Big Ben, as the crow flies, has probably the worst body in general of anyone in America. Name me anybody with a shittier body.

The 0-3 Giants have the league right where they want them and will win the Super Bowl

Do the Giants have everyone right where they want them? Because this feels like one of those stupid years where everyone's like, Eli's the worst quarterback ever, and then they'll just finish 9-7 and somehow win the Super Bowl.

Blake Bortles is officially back

So my who's back of the week is Blake Bortles of the Blake Bortles Wikipedia Club. Huge game. Four touchdowns. He's back.

The 2017 Rams are a legitimate threat and sleeper pick

The team that I've been hot on, even before this happened, before the season again, was the Rams. I said before the season, I think there'll be at least a 500 team with Sean McVay in there and Wade Phillips.

The Giants failed by buying 'shiny toys' and ignoring their offensive line

The disappointment has got to be the Giants... It's when you go out and you get yourself nice, shiny toys, but you don't really make sure your carburetor's working... They went out and they got Ingram and Marshall, but they didn't do anything to upgrade their offensive line.

Sean McVay has the same rare 'command of the room' as an early Mike Tomlin

Sean McVay has that as well. He is like, he has a rare ability to command the room, get a player's face, but not have the player look at him like, man, who are you? ... It's a kind of a rare thing, kind of like an early Mike Tomlin.

Andrew Luck will return from injury by Week 5 or 6

Right now, I think I said in the start of the season, probably by week six. What is this, three? So, yeah, I would say five or six.

Thursday Night Football is where real football gets played

I'm saying suck it because we have long said Thursday night football is where real football gets played. Yeah, it might be. You might get the Bengals and the Texans scoring no touchdowns. But you also might get a Brian Hoyer and Jared Goff shootout.

You are a fake fan if you don't watch Thursday Night Football because of a 'bad' matchup

If you're the kind of fan that doesn't watch Thursday Night Football because you've got work tomorrow morning or it's between two of the worst teams of the past 25 years or some other excuse like that, guess what? You're a fake fan. Fake. Fraud. Shame.

Sean McVay is an elite coach who has turned Jared Goff into a monster

Sean McVay... I'll tell you what, that guy can fucking coach. Because he had play calls that were like, every now and then he'd sprinkle one play in and be like, whoa, that was really nicely designed. And what he's done with Jared Goff... Sean McVay has molded him into a monster.

Kirk Cousins owes Sean McVay and Kyle Shanahan half his salary for making him look adequate

Honestly, Kirk Cousins owes both of those coaches probably half of his salary. That's how you knew both of those coaches were good is that they were able to make Kirk look adequate at times.

I'm taking the under in the London game between the Jaguars and Ravens

So I am going to be taking an under in the London game. I'm here to announce that. Coming out of the closet as an, what do I call myself? Brave. The undercover boss?

The Redskins will cover +3 at home against the Raiders

I'm taking the R words. Plus three at home in the Sunday nighter against the Raiders coming into town... I immediately want to take the Raiders, and I know that I'm dumb, so I just flip it on myself.

The Dolphins will cover -6 against the Jets

I think we're going with the real Mr. Fourth Quarter. The Cuddy Buddy. Dolphins minus six [against the Jets].

The Bills will cover +3 as home dogs against the Broncos

I'll give you a home dog to keep your eye on... The Bills plus three against the Broncos. Trevor Siemian on the road. Do we trust him?

Aaron Hernandez's CTE was probably caused by smoking weed, not football

When you say he has CTE and everyone says, well, because he played football... He smoked a lot of weed... Chronic. What does the C stand for in CTE? Chronic. Chronic. If you look up the symptoms of CTE, it's forgetfulness, probably inappropriate laughter... paranoia. I mean, I'm just connecting the dots here.

Listening to Tim Tebow speak for years is enough to fuck up a guy's brain

What about the fact that he [Hernandez] had to listen to Tim Tebow speak for like a couple years? That's got to fuck up a guy's brain, let's just say. Maybe start figuring out where this could come from, and we'll buy into this whole CTE stuff that you're selling us.

Ben McAdoo is officially not a football guy

I am officially, here's me, a rare thing done on Pardon My Take... I'm here to apologize. Ben McAdoo is not a football guy. Firmly not. The punch the kangaroo in the face stunt, that's when I knew he was not a football guy. That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl

It is scientific fact. No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl. Think about it. Parcells was skinnier. John Madden was a lot skinnier. Every football guy gets fatter after they retire... Parcells was actually kind of in football guy shape. I'm saying no fat coach. That's why Andy Reid's probably losing all this weight because he's like, fuck, I got to get in shape.

Jason Garrett is only the Cowboys coach because he never says no to Jerry Jones

I'm pretty sure that Jason Garrett is only in place because he doesn't say no to Jerry Jones. So Jerry Jones is actually calling all these plays. And Jason Garrett, he pets them after every game. He's like, 'Jimmy used to always talk back to me.'

Eli Manning has proven that luck exists in life

Eli Manning is so funny. His streak of consecutive games... it's just because he just goes down. He literally goes down every time that someone's even close to him, and that's why he gets to play every game... Eli has proven that luck exists in life. Some people are very, very lucky, and some people aren't. And he's a Manning.

Week 3 is the week we officially find out which NFL teams are frauds

There's a lot of frauds. And week three is who we find out. That's when we know who the frauds are.

College football is more exciting than the NFL, but it isn't 'better than' the NFL

Saying something is better than is not exactly correct in this case because, yes, college football is more exciting, but it's not better than. I mean, the guys aren't playing defense half the time. People are wide open. The windows are wide open.

The Giants will win Monday Night Football against the Lions by a score of 12-10

And now all we get is Lions and the Giants. And the Giants, Eli's going to fucking throw the ball into the ground 100 times. And the Giants are going to win like 12 to 10.

Fullbacks are officially back in a big way in the NFL

Fullbacks are back in a big way... I think it might be confirmation bias, but I've been noticing fullbacks more and more. Specifically, Derek Coleman, the fullback for the Falcons.

Kyle Shanahan is the most likely coach to be the first one ejected under new NFL rules

I think a sneaky one is Kyle Shanahan because, one, he's a dick. Number two, he's got that entitlement thing, or at least the refs will think he's got that entitlement thing. So if he says one thing that crosses the line, they'll be like, I'm going to teach you a lesson.

Jerry Jones is intentionally stalling Roger Goodell's contract to force him out by 2019

And there are some who think that what he's really trying to do is drive such a hard bargain with Roger Goodell that Goodell just eventually says, screw it, I'm out of here when my contract expires in 2019.

The Bears should start Mitch Trubisky now because the season is already lost

At some point, you just kind of say, screw it. You know, this season is lost, so let's just treat it like an extended preseason for next season.

The Bengals are the most likely 0-2 team to turn it around and make the playoffs

Out of those, I would say the Bengals... If they get Kaepernick, then put the Bengals in.

Tom Brady says he'll play until 45 to avoid a public farewell tour

I think he never wants his last year to be known as his last year. I don't think he ever wants to have a Derek Jeter farewell tour... by keeping that stake as far out into the future as possible, he'll never be in a season that anyone would say this is his last year.

Teddy Bridgewater will play for the Vikings before the 2017 season ends

I don't know what in the hell they're expecting at this point. So I think, yeah, we'll see Bridgewater before the end of the year on the field.

Sam Bradford is the first player who isn't 'injured', he is just always hurt

He's [Bradford] not injured. He he's just, injured all the time. He's just always hurt. Yeah, so then you come home after a day of darting and you're like, I'm not drunk. I'm fine... That's what Sam Bradford's knee is. It's the new normal.

Andrew Luck is the NFL's version of Derrick Rose

Andrew Luck, by the way, is now... He's, like, almost, he's not Derrick Rose, but, like, there's that semblance of, like, he could just have a random surgery at any moment without an injury happening

J.J. Watt will catch at least two touchdowns against the Bengals

My prediction is J.J. Watt scores two touchdowns because the Texans have three tight ends that all have concussions. So J.J. Watt's going to catch some balls tonight.

The Saints will cover the spread (+7) against the Patriots

I have the New Orleans Saints covering at plus seven against the New England Patriots. That's a lot of points to give up at home in the Bayou.

The Bears will cover the spread (+7) against the Buccaneers in the Mike Glennon revenge game

My pick is the Chicago Bears, plus seven. The Mike Glennon revenge game. He's going to Tampa Bay. How can you not?

Fantasy owners should be able to suspend their own players from real-life games

As a fantasy football owner, if I owned Odell Beckham, I think that it should be within my right to actually suspend him. From real games. If a high enough percentage of Odell Beckham Jr.'s fantasy football owners are mad at him for doing something, then let's say above 65%.

Tom Coughlin might actually be dead and operating on reflex muscles

I think Tom Coughlin has been dead for years, actually. ... After you die, your body—your muscles keep twitching. ... He's just been walking around berating players for not being on time to practice.

I'm preemptively sad about Philip Rivers retiring

I'm going to preemptively get sad when Phil Rivers retires. He's becoming more and more Phil Rivers, if that's possible. It's like every stereotype, every caricature of Phil Rivers, like when you close your eyes, you think of Phil Rivers stomping, yelling at refs, giving weird faces, spiking the ball... his eyes bugging out on the sidelines.

Starting Deshaun Watson now will ruin him because the Texans' offensive line is terrible

It's also the most perfect Houston Texans thing of all time to wait to play your good quarterback [Watson] right when the offensive line is at its absolute worst. Yeah, ruin your franchise quarterback. This is going to be perfect because it's almost like an inside job. The timing is a little bit too convenient. So what's going to happen is Deshaun's going to go out there, get fucking killed, and not look good, and then O'Brien's going to be like, I told you, you can't start a rookie.

The Saints should clean house and move on from Sean Payton and Drew Brees

The Saints need to just clean house, I think. I think it's time. You know what I mean? It's enough watching Drew Brees and Sean Payton be 7-9 and keep thinking, hey, why isn't Drew Brees thrown into Marcus Colson more? That's what I think every single game that I watch the Saints. I'm like, just move on. It's over.

The Vikings officially won the Sam Bradford trade with the Eagles

Sam Bradford, that is an official win for the Vikings in their trade when you said that that was the worst trade ever last year. So your [PFT's] trade analysis now on the hot seat. Oh, last year, I mean, he had pretty damn good stats with the worst offensive line basically ever. Teddy Bridgewater might never play football again. Sam Bradford was on fire on Monday night.

Gambling on the NFL is the hardest thing in the entire world

And two, gambling on the NFL is the hardest thing in the entire world, and no one should ever do it because it's god-awful.

Week 2 in the NFL is a must-win for 0-1 teams

So 95% of playoff teams avoid going 0-2. So if you do the math, that makes week two a must win.

The Seahawks offensive line is still dog shit

The other big takeaway that I had was that the Seahawks offensive line is still dog shit. ... I don't know where he [Tom Cable] finds the offensive lineman that he has, but they all suck. They always will suck.

To win a championship you need a great QB, great defense, and a reliable kicker

I've always thought this. When it comes to winning a championship, you need a great quarterback, a good defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals. Or a good quarterback, a great defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals.

Los Angeles has always been a bad sports town

Bad sports town, you think? It's always been a bad sports town. I don't know what you want to say. It's a bunch of transplants and beautiful people that would rather be outside than watching a shitty Colts versus Rams game.

Ben Roethlisberger owns Cleveland's stadium as a quarterback

Ben Roethlisberger is now the winningest quarterback in Cleveland Browns Stadium history, which opened in 1999. more wins than any Browns quarterback. So he's got 11, and that officially passes Derek Anderson, who had 10.

The New England Patriots are dead

The New England Patriots are dead. Actually, they're still going to win the division, but it's times like this I thank my lucky stars I'm not a New England Patriots fan.