Takes

I'm taking the Packers over the Cowboys because Aaron Rodgers is going to be motivated by how much Dak Prescott loves his family

I'm taking the Packers... But if you read the USA Today article about Dak Prescott... it was him talking about his family. ... He loves his family. ... That is bulletin board material for Aaron Rodgers, right? Oh, Mr. Big Shot with the family. Oh, you talk to the family? ... That's going to piss Aaron Rodgers right off.

Jim Irsay forgets he owns the Colts and is just doing Twitter giveaways all day

I don't think he is [going to fire anyone]. I think he just forgot he owned the Colts. He's just on Twitter all day. He's just been doing Twitter giveaways every day. He's like, 'hey, Jim, you still own this team? You get to make the decisions.'

The Divisional Round of the NFL playoffs is going to be a 'tits party'

Preemptive who's back next week, because if you saw the matchups, it is going to be a tits party next Saturday and Sunday.

Ben Roethlisberger gets smarter when he is concussed

I think Roethlisberger gets smarter when he gets concussed. Right, his head gets out of his own way. Right, he's just like a big, dumb animal. All of his terrible thoughts are no longer functioning in his head, so he's able to operate like a normal human being.

Alabama could beat the Cleveland Browns

I think they could, and every time I say that, these purists get crazy. And Danny Sheridan said the line would be 27, but I really think by the end of the season they could, yeah. I'm with Alabama over the Browns.

Miko Grimes is actually a schizophrenic alter ego of Brent Grimes

I don't think that Miko Grimes is a person. I don't think she exists. I think maybe he's schizophrenic. He's got an alternate personality, and he tweets from her perspective. He gets to say all the stuff that he wants to say about his employer.

If you are going on a boat party before a playoff game, you better win that game

This is a classic if you're going to go on a boat party. It's the old Tony Romo with Jessica Simpson and Cabo rule. If you're going to go hang out before a playoff game, you better win that fucking playoff game.

Wild Card Weekend is the second-best weekend in sports, behind only Divisional Weekend

If we're doing a power ranking of sports weekends, Wild Card Weekend is in my top three. I've got Wild Card Weekend, I'll call it number two. Divisional Weekend's number one. And then the first weekend of March Madness, number three.

The Houston Texans are better off without J.J. Watt

I want their team to go so far in the playoffs that are the Houston Texans better without J.J. Watt takes start to heat up. Because if they win, I'll say if they win two playoff games. Yeah, if they win two playoff games, you're going to get those takes, and I'm here for those.

Pete Carroll is 'more woke' at night and believes 9/11 was an inside job

Day Pete Carroll thinks that 9-11 was an inside job, night Pete Carroll knows 9-11 was an inside job. Absolutely. He's more woke at night. He's a bat. He's nocturnal. Pete Carroll the owl.

The Miami Dolphins' teal and aqua uniforms do not belong in the NFL playoffs

I'm just going to say it, right? The Dolphins' uniforms are not playoff uniforms. They aren't. That's a hot take, I know, but it's the truth. Teal and that aqua and all that shit doesn't belong in the playoffs.

The Green Bay Packers are not built for cold weather at Lambeau Field

You know what my favorite take is? The Packers aren't built for Lambeau. They're playing in the wrong stadium. This is a new look. Yeah, they almost wish they were somewhere else. They wish they didn't have a home game.

Tom Brady should be the NFL MVP despite only playing 12 games

If Tom Brady isn't the MVP, it's just further showing [the system is corrupt]... He still had better stats than him. Tom Brady's stats are still better than the other quarterbacks in contention stats. That's the point.

Tom Brady is a system quarterback because Jimmy Garoppolo played well in his absence

Well, [Brady] is also a system quarterback because Jimmy Garoppolo played pretty well. So, yeah. You can't give it to a system quarterback.

Bill Belichick and Tom Brady will retire together in a 2019 suicide pact

They're going to retire simultaneously. They might do a Romeo and Juliet-like suicide pact. Here's my prediction, okay? 2019, they both kill themselves and retire at the same time.

The Chicago Bears will win the Super Bowl next year

Alshon Jeffrey guaranteed a Super Bowl victory. So you get one year now, a little more than one year, 13 months. Go ahead and keep doubting. He guaranteed it. He guaranteed the Chicago Bears win the Super Bowl next year.

Sam Bradford had the best season for a quarterback in NFL history

Sam Bradford... he won the completion percentage, the greatest completion percentage in NFL history. Had a pretty damn good year... Sam Bradford, best quarterback in NFL history, best season.

Kirk Cousins will get a long-term contract because he looks the part of a quarterback

Do you know what Kirk has going for him? He looks the part. That's really what it is... That's why Matt Barkley is still in the league. That's why Jimmy Clausen is—throw them in a pair of shorts... they look good.

Michigan State quarterbacks are guaranteed to receive huge contracts

Well, he's a Michigan State quarterback. I feel like you have to give a Michigan State quarterback a huge guaranteed contract. That's how it works.

The Patriots will walk right to the Super Bowl

The AFC playoff picture is awful. The Patriots are going to walk right to the Super Bowl.

The AFC has been bad for forever

People don't talk about how bad the AFC has been like forever. The Patriots have basically just had to show up every Sunday for the last 12 years, and they'll make it into one every three Super Bowls.

The Falcons are actually a good team

[The Falcons] are. If you go look back at their schedule, they could be anywhere from 16-0 or 0-16 if you just count the wins as losses and the losses as wins.

The Texans playing the first wildcard game on Saturday is an annual tradition like no other

The Texans are playing the first wildcard game on Saturday that everyone's going to hate and always features really bad quarterback play. Tradition like any other.

The 2016 Giants defense might be better than the two Super Bowl winning defenses

I will say that the [2016] defense might be a little bit better than our two Super Bowl defenses.

I will take Eli Manning over any other quarterback in the playoffs

Eli [Manning] just lets it go, man. He is not afraid in the playoffs, and I think that's something that serves him well. I'll take Eli over any of them.

College kickers who wear towels on their hips are soft

You know another thing that pisses me off is when you watch these college guys and they have shields and sweet towel. They have a towel hanging off their hip like they're about to go take a center snap. You're a fucking kicker. Like kick the ball. No one cares what you look like.

Gary Kubiak needs to stay around football or his health will decline immediately

Kubiak strikes me as a guy that could pull a Joe Pop... like the second you step away from the game, a football guy needs to be around football or else his health goes downhill. It's counterintuitive for Kubiak, but I think the more he coaches, the more healthy he's going to be.

Bill Belichick sends his assistants to AFC teams specifically to destroy them from within

Every single Belichick assistant that has spun off into a head coach or front office guy at another team has gone to work in the AFC, and they've systematically destroyed that team that they've gone to and made it an easier schedule for the Patriots. McDaniels just completely destroyed Denver. Pioli and company went to the Chiefs. Bill O'Brien... Texans stink. Saban fucked up the Dolphins too.

Pardon My Take is responsible for making punting cool again

Did we bring punting back? Yeah, we made punting cool again. I've seen it everywhere since Punt Week. Ooh, punters this, punters that. These punters, they're so cool.

Danny Woodhead will join the Patriots to mentor Christian McCaffrey

Until the end of the league year, [Danny Woodhead] is still a Charger. And then he'll be a Patriot where he'll mentor Christian McCaffrey.

The punt is the most important play in football

No, I've said it's [the punt] the most important play. All right, the most important play.

Joe Flacco is elite because he has a Super Bowl ring

Is Joe Flacco elite? Duh. Obviously. He won a Super Bowl. Hello.

The Giants will beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl again this year

We also correctly predicted, I think, that they're [the Giants] going to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl again this year. Oh. So pat ourselves on the back for that.

Eli Manning is a prankster who likes to crop dust and fart on teammates

Eli is the kind of guy, like, he's definitely smart, but, like, likes the pranky, slapsticky type stuff. And, like, it'll just – he'll be sitting down in a meeting or something talking to someone, and he'll kind of crop dust you or just, like, drive by, fart you, and then just walk away. He's a big fart guy, yeah.

Tom Savage is a one-week wonder

I think Tom Savage is a one-week wonder.

The Vikings' trade for Sam Bradford was a dumb move

I always told you guys that Sam Bradford trade was a fucking dumb move. The Titans and the Lions. Let's check the tape on that one. Yeah, we'll check the tape maybe after New Year's.

Michael Floyd shouldn't be charged for his DUI because he was asleep

It's a bad visual, but I guess it's better that he was asleep behind the wheel than if he was fully conscious and was thinking to himself, I'm driving drunk the entire time he was doing it... He was asleep, so he couldn't have been thinking, I shouldn't be doing this. So technically, it's not really a crime. Also... Is sleepwalking a crime if you do something bad in a sleepwalk? No, you can't be charged. So he should get off for this one.

Christian McCaffrey lacks the genetic benefits and pedigree of Leonard Fournette

When you look at Christian McCaffrey, this is a guy that's had to scrap and work and motor and study and think his way to everything that he is today. And then you look at Leonard Fournette, and he's got all the great genetics in the world, whereas a guy like Christian McCaffrey doesn't have that benefit, doesn't have the pedigree.

There is a substantial chance the Raiders move to Las Vegas

I certainly think there's a substantial chance that they do, but the end of that story is not yet written... the team seems very, very committed to leaving Oakland.

The Raiders are officially 'back' this year

The Raiders are headed for the playoffs. They've clinched a spot, and now it remains to be seen what they do with that opportunity... Of course they're back this year. They're back. Raiders are back.

It is yet to be proven if Derek Carr can win in cold weather

We saw that the team had some problems in Kansas City. Some people want to attribute that to the pinky. I don't necessarily agree that we should be pointing to a pinky... We'll see because the team could have to travel to New England. We don't yet know if that will be the case.

The Rams need to hire John Gruden to provide a 'splash' for their new stadium

The Los Angeles Rams are moving toward a meeting with ESPN analyst John Gruden... that's really nice because you need a splash, and nothing says a splash like a guy who hasn't been coaching for about 15 years.

The Rams should consider rehiring Jeff Fisher for consistency

I think what you need in L.A., and this might go contrary to popular opinion, you need somebody with a steady hand, somebody that's done this type of thing before, someone that's saved the course, consistency, a Jeff Fisher type, for example. So maybe we can get that rumor going, that the Rams are... They're willing to take Jeff back.

The NFL is to blame for security guards masturbating because they put hot cheerleaders on the sidelines

Why do they put the cheerleaders at NFL games if we're not allowed to masturbate to them in the stadium?... It is the NFL's fault because they kind of asked for it. You don't put hot women on the sidelines and expect us not to masturbate. A bunch of alpha males just walking around.

Matt Moore is the truth

I think Matt Moore is the truth. Did you see him? He was having so much fun out there.

I have completely sold myself on Matt Barkley

Since we're in the trust tree, I have completely sold myself on Matt Barkley.

NFL coach, beat reporter, and super fan trades should be more common

I love any non-athlete trade, and there needs to be more of them. ... I think it should be expanded to beat reporters. ... I want to see super fans getting traded.

Numbers and analytics are ruining sports

Numbers ruin sports. You made us all robots. Sports was great when it was just men grunting at each other, and there was no number for how much pain you're playing through.

Jeff Fisher will become a VP of Football Operations for a moving team

I think we called it he's going to be vice president of football operations somewhere. ... For maybe when the Chargers move. ... The Chargers fire McCoy. They hire Fisher to handle the logistics and the move.

Kyle Shanahan will get a head coaching job and Mike Shanahan will be his consultant

I think what will happen is his son, Kyle Shanahan, will get a coaching job somewhere, and he'll go with Kyle to be a consultant.