Takes

The Rams will announce an extension for Jeff Fisher immediately following their next win

Right now, after the Rams' next win, they're going to announce the extension. He's getting out in front of the story right now, laying a nice mattress down so that nobody's shocked. Next win of the Rams, they're going to use that as the premise to announce an extension.

The NFL should award one point for a kickoff that goes through the uprights

John Harbaugh wants to make the kickoff worth one point if his kicker can kick it through the uprights. I like this rule though. We need more kickers. I've been saying for years that if you hit the upright, it should be worth extra.

The Dallas Cowboys are the best team that sucks in the NFL

Dallas is still maybe the best team in the NFL, which is insane. They're the best team that sucks. In the NFL. They're the suckiest best teams, too.

The Super Bowl will feature some combination of the Patriots, Cowboys, or Seahawks

And it sucks to say this, but it's going to be the Patriots and the Cowboys or the Seahawks. Slash Seahawks, yeah. So some combination of that, that's where we're going to be in Houston. And I don't feel good about it.

The average lifespan of an NFL player is longer than an average American

The average lifespan of an NFL player is longer than an average American. No, even an average American. Like, it's longer. They live longer, healthier lives than an average American. CTE or not.

The yellow first down line on TV is not an official line

People forget that the yellow line on the field isn't official. So people actually forgot that this weekend in the Ohio State-Michigan game. What? Great game by the refs forgot it as a matter of fact so they just said oh it looks like across the yellow line first down first down

Roger Goodell's failure to suspend Aaron Hernandez is encouraging other players to mimic him

Players are starting to do the Aaron Hernandez crack the safe money toss touchdown celebration. I have. So stay woke. Roger Goodell in his negligence and failing to suspend Aaron Hernandez despite being convicted of murder... he's emboldened the players to mimic Aaron Hernandez. I wouldn't be surprised if there were some more murders.

NFL games in Mexico are much more electric than games in England

Mexico. I actually, that was an electric game. It was the exact opposite of football in England. England is so fucking boring. Everyone looks like it's a chore to be there... Mexico. They had the shot of the barbed wire. It felt like the Thunderdome.

I'm taking the Lions to beat the Vikings on Thanksgiving

I'm going to take the Lions because I took the Vikings on the Pick'em podcast. That's how you keep yourself even there.

I'm taking the Steelers to beat the Colts on Thanksgiving

I got the Vikings, I got the R-words, and I have the Steelers.

I officially called the Browns being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs back in August

I actually broke that news back in August. The second they announced RG3 as their starting quarterback... I said, okay, they've just clinched last place in the AFC. They've clinched the first draft pick, and they're mathematically eliminated right now.

I'm jumping on the Cowboys train and betting on them for Thanksgiving, which means they'll probably lose

How long am I going to keep doubting the Dallas Cowboys? They're now nine and one against the spread... I'm going to bet on them Thanksgiving Day. And they're going to get, I don't know if they'll lose, but they're not going to cover the spread.

Dak Prescott picking up his Gatorade cup proves he is a classy young man

How about Dak Prescott showing his leadership by picking up the cup of Gatorade that he tried to throw away? It's just a class act, a precocious, classy young man.

Russell Wilson is a bizarre human being who would be in a mental institution if he weren't an athlete

The person who woke him up every hour and a half, the voodoo people, the hypnotist, the concussion water, the strength coach... he's just a bizarre human being... if he wasn't an exceptional athlete and he did all this shit, he would probably be in a mental institution.

Ben McAdoo is a watered-down fraud of a football guy

Ben McAdoo seems like he's trying real hard as a first-year head coach to be a football guy. I think he's overextending himself a little bit. He sounds like a fraud. He's like a watered-down football guy.

Bill Belichick 100% pays attention to metrics but acts like he doesn't for his brand

He absolutely pays attention to metrics. 100% he does, but he acts like he doesn't. So he's playing a double mind game... he's like I'm going to make them think that I'm even more of a football guy than I really am when behind the scenes I've got my spreadsheets set out.

Snow football is the key to driving NFL ratings back up

I think that this is absolutely the key to driving ratings back up is get a couple snow games in people will watch snow football all day.

Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback and I have a Super Bowl ring to prove it

Is he elite or what? I mean, yeah. I've got a Super Bowl ring to prove it.

Kickers are the most psychologically weak people in the world

The problem is we put the most psychologically weak people in a place to do it. Kickers are the most psychologically weak. So we need to put people with stronger minds to become kickers.

The NFL and Roger Goodell are making kickers miss extra points to save money on charitable donations

The NFL donates $1,000 to the three core nonprofit partners for every point scored. Roger Goodell... is trying to save a little coin. The NFL ratings are hurting... How can we cut some costs so I don't have to fire you guys on Christmas Eve? We'll get some kickers to miss some extra points. Boom. $11,000 saved today.

NFL teams should just go for two every single time they score a touchdown

Is there any reason why teams shouldn't just go for two every time? No, not at all. Just go for two every time... isn't 50% of two greater than 97% of one?

Jacksonville cannot beat teams that are named after big cats

Jacksonville has lost seven straight games to teams that are named after big cats, just like the Jaguars. So it's one of those situations where Superman can beat anybody, but he can't beat Kryptonite because he's from Kryptonite.

Every quarterback is born with a set number of wins in their body and Aaron Rodgers used his up too early

Every quarterback has a set number of wins that's in their body by the time they hit the NFL... you're born with that number, and then once you lose them all, then guess what? They're gone forever. So Rodgers won too many games too early.

Donald Trump saved football because Americans will care less about CTE science during his presidency

Under Trump, the country will care less about truth or facts. It'll be more raw and brutal. Football will be more of an outlet. We'll go back to liking our violent sports... So Trump saved football. He saved football. Already made America great again.

Robert Griffin III will lead the Browns to their first win and his free agent stock will soar

That would be the most Robert Griffin triumph of all time is if he led the Browns to their one win. And then, guess what? Stock goes way up in the free agent marketplace.

The Raiders will beat the Texans in Mexico City as the 'Don Julio Shot of the Week'

And then the Raiders in Mexico City. Hey, what do you say we make that our shot of the week? Don Julio, Mexico tequila. O-Cart Julio. O-Culio. O-Culio shot of the week. Darkheart shot of the week.

The Redskins will beat the Packers in Week 11

And I'm going to walk right into it, and it's going to snatch me up, and I'm taking the Redskins... So I'm going Redskins.

The Patriots will blow out the 49ers in Week 11

Hank, I agree with you on the Patriots. I think they're going to kill the 49ers.

Thomas Morstead would be the last man standing in a punter battle royale

I think Thomas Morstead, actually. I feel like he secretly does karate and stuff, and he's super jacked. John Ryan's also pretty jacked... I don't think I've survived too long to find out.

The Steelers are no longer playing 'Steelers football'

My hot seat is Steelers football. Pittsburgh is not playing Steelers football. They're not winning. They're not playing defense... their defense is soft. And they're not running the ball, they're 25th in the league in running.

I want to play in the NFL for at least eight more years

I wanted to play in the league for at least eight years to the minimum. I mean, at least at least it's going to go at least far further.

The Houston Texans might actually be better without J.J. Watt

And we're all have to wonder, are the Texans better without J.J. Watt?

The great uniter in America is watching Tony Romo look miserable

America can always get behind watching Tony Romo look miserable. That is the great uniter here in America. And we're used to seeing it after he throws a fourth quarter interception... This time it was when they were winning and he was trying to put on that happy face. And it turns out that Tony Romo putting on a happy face is actually the saddest thing you've ever seen.

Home PAs should trick Russell Wilson by pretending to be the voice of God

Russell Wilson is the kind of guy that you could imagine a PA guy getting on the mic and going, 'Russell, this is God. I need you to throw an interception.' And Russell Wilson would at least consider that might be God... He thinks God talks to him. There are ways that you can exploit that.

Every NFL team that passed on Dak Prescott will be draft shamed forever

Dak Prescott has been named the starter. He was drafted 135... You could have had Dak Prescott. And people will remind you every single day... Everyone gets draft shamed now that Dak Prescott is officially the starter and a superstar.

I don't like Jay Feeley and think he's the worst

I don't like Jay Feeley. I don't like Jay Feeley... I hated him before he got on TV and sounded awful... [He] comes in and goes, 'tough kick here.' Okay, thanks, Jay. 'Yeah, looks like a little wind.' Yeah, way to go, Jay.

Andrew Luck apologizing to defenders is a mind game

He says, like, 'good hit.' I think it's a mind game. Keep him friendly. That's what I try to do... Try to keep on the good side. But Andrew's at that point where I need to do that. Andrew doesn't need to do that... Gotta be the only guy in the league that does it.

Chris Boswell's failed onside kick was an attempt to become a meme

They were doing it to become a meme instead of winning a football game. Bang. Maybe that's the thought. I don't know why you would do it. I don't know why else you would do it... I attempted it a couple of days in practice and thought I'd throw my ACL.

A unified hatred of being a Browns fan is the only thing that can pull the nation together

The most healing thing might be to sit down and all watch the Browns because we're all experiencing relief that at least we're not Browns fans. That is the one thing that can pull our nation together, our unified hatred of potentially being a Browns fan.

Tim Tebow only quit football because of the NFL's crackdown on Adderall

So the NFL starts suspending players for taking Adderall, and Tim Tebow quits football entirely to go to baseball. I think he's just on Adderall all the time... we think Tim Tebow's thing is he is just straight up on copious amounts of Adderall all the time. Because he keeps changing. I'm going to be a football player... then I'm going to be on ESPN... then I'm going to play baseball.

Calling Ryan Tannehill a game manager is a huge compliment

Ryan Tannehill, if you walk up to Ryan Tannehill, I'm like, hey, Ryan. Your game manager, he's got to say thank you, right? Yep. Absolutely. That's a great, great thing to be for Ryan Tannehill at this point in his career.

The Jaguars +1.5 will cover against the Texans

I like the Jaguars plus one and a half.

The Steelers will win by two touchdowns against the Cowboys if they have any pride

That Steelers game is actually one of those. Like if the Steelers are any good and have any pride, they win by two touchdowns against the Cowboys.

NFL officials have a sweet system where poor performance leads to more pay and training

My cool throne is NFL officials, and the reason why is because everybody's complaining about them, and the NFL officials have such a sweet system set up that the answer to poor NFL officiating is to make them full-time employees. So everyone's saying, hey, what are these guys doing out here just being part-time? Let's pay them more.

NFL ratings are down because the league is in a transition period for superstar quarterbacks

One is it seems to be a league a little bit in transition, right? So like Peyton Manning is no longer, obviously no longer playing Brady missed the first four weeks. There's not really, there's just not a ton of like high profile must see quarterbacks slash figures... Carson Wentz and Dak are good, but just not quite the same people that draw in, like, the average viewer.

The Seahawks' strategy is to force referees to call pass interference every single time until they stop calling it

The Seahawks do this. This is what they do. They basically make the refs call calls in big moments in the game... They basically say we're going to grab and hold and have pass interference and force the refs to call it.

Jeff Fisher only gets fired if the Rams have a real collapse this season

I would say it would take... This year, it would take a real collapse. What the hell does that mean? You know, it would have to be like... We no longer have faith in this person... to direct this team toward winning.

Jared Goff isn't playing for the Rams yet because he simply isn't ready or good enough

There's only two ways that that makes sense. One is they're crazy... The other way is He's not ready. Like, coaches always play... if Bryce Petty was a better quarterback than Ryan Fitzpatrick, he would be playing.

John Gruden will never coach again because his TV life is too good

I don't think John Gruden will ever coach again. He has the best life ever... He makes like $6 million a year, whatever it is... Works one day a week. Plays golf.

NFL coaches wearing windbreakers with flags during Salute to Service month is 'stolen valor.'

I like the windbreakers that the coaches are wearing on the sidelines. They have their name and the American flag on it. It's basically a military uniform that they're wearing. So you could consider it to be stolen valor.