Takes

I will use my bare hand to unclog a toilet at a party if no plunger is available

I have used my hand... I've used my hand in a trash bag. You put your hand in a trash bag... The trash bag works. If you're in a, I mean, I guess in a home it might be tough, but you just, whatever the little trash is next to everyone's got one little trash next to the sink. You just get the trash bag out of there. Dump it hand in. Unplug.

The Commanders' Super Bowl window is officially open right now

I don't think it's delusional to say that I am, I'm existing inside of a Super Bowl window right now. ... The window's cracked right now and I'm, I'm thinking about opening it up. There's a nice draft that's coming through.

I'm getting a gambling turtle named Mr. Pear to make picks on the show

I like it done. Mr. Pear. Mr. Pear... we'll stamp the slices of pears with the different logos. Yeah. And that will be, that will be how he picks his games. Which pair Mr. Pear. And we should never discipline him. Never.

I am not moving to Chicago with the rest of the show

I will not be moving to Chicago. Kind of been in denial about it. It sucks to say there are various parts of my life that I keep private that impacted this decision. I hope you guys respect the decision. Please just remember that I am the only one who can weigh all the factors that impact my life.

I will become a Colts fan in the AFC if Jim Irsay forces Dan Snyder to sell

I will become a Colts fan in the AFC if Jim Irsay does this [gets Dan Snyder out]. And I think he's going to, because you've never heard an owner say anything like this before.

Podcast rankings are misleading; people should check episode rankings for true listener stats

How come some podcasts randomly go higher than you guys in the podcast ranking sometimes? Does that mean they get more listeners? No, it does not. So if you start a new podcast, your podcast is always going to be... It just goes to number one. That's just how it works. The way to realize the success of shows is episodes. So if you go to the episode page, you can see where shows are ranked. Just look at the episodes, bitch.

Testicles shrivel in the cold specifically to regulate sperm production temperature

When your balls shrivel up when it's cold is because they are seeking warmth because your sperm factory, in your nut sack, has to stay closer to your body to be the right temperature... because the optimal sperm producing temperature is a little bit chillier than the rest of your body.

I will get Kevin Durant on the podcast before my 36th birthday

I will say if we don't get Kevin Durant on this podcast in our age of 35, cancel my birthday next year. I'll just stay 35 forever.

Philip Rivers will play in 2020 because he needs a break from his nine children

Phil is addicted to blood... he is going to be faced with a choice of staying at home with nine kids... or going to work and getting a break from those nine kids. I think he's going to go to work.

I can definitely hit a 35-yard field goal right now

I'd say when [the tryout] went good, not great. ... Mr. 35 Yards. ... I didn't do as bad as I was fearing that I was going to do. ... [Big Cat and Hank] would both make them on your first time [but] we would suck.

Jameis Winston's stats are only better than Peyton Manning's because of the era

This is how the new-age NFL [is]. This is why the Jameis Winston/Peyton Manning stats are ridiculous when you actually adjust them for era. It's like, yeah, of course Jameis Winston has these numbers that are better than Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning still played partially in the old NFL.

ESPN essentially gifted China territorial rights to an island by using an inaccurate map

The map that ESPN showed had the nine-dash line at the bottom right corner of China... which isn't on a map and it's not even a real thing. But the fact that they were fed this map means that ESPN is now giving territorial rights to the South China Sea to China, which they don't own. So ESPN just basically gifted China an island on national television today.