Takes

The Ryan Lochte robbery incident in Rio is like the worst Jason Bourne movie of all time

Since it's swimming, we get to watch this play out like the worst Jason Bourne movie of all time.

An unwritten rule of the 'bro code' is that you break it to save your own ass

That's an unwritten rule of bro code is that you break bro code to save your own ass.

Les Miles eating grass makes him a true 'Football Guy'

My first one was Les Miles. Any guy who actually wants to eat the grass of a football field, that's a football guy.

Andy Reid's fupa belt is the worst look for anyone but a football coach

He puts that like right in the middle of his waist. And it's just an awful, awful look for anyone but a football coach.

When a company is sold to a large investment group, the quality of the product always goes down

Just a word of warning, like any time that you're employed by a company that gets sold, like if you're a company that's made its name for itself and then it gets sold to like a big time investment group, the quality of the product is going to go way, way down.

Men should not wear shorts; we should bring back the rule that shorts are only for little boys

It turns out that in like the 19th century, shorts were only for little boys. And then when you became a man, you got your long trousers. I think they should bring that back. Your big boy pants.

Football pants should actually be called 'football shorts'

I think football pants are shorts. I think they should be called football shorts.

Banana boating over alligator-infested waters is not fun

[The St. John's River] is just infested with alligators. So we would literally be banana boating over alligators... [When we fell out] it was just like whoever was driving the boat was just like a frantic U-turn to come and pick us up. That doesn't sound like fun.

Swimming is not a sport; it is just a struggle to keep breathing

How soft does [Danny Kanell] think that you are because you're a swimmer and basically you just – you don't drown, like I say – Swimming is not a sport. It's just trying to keep breathing.

Bob Costas is the alpha dog of NBC sports because he lifts in jeans

It was revealed that Costas walked into the weight room with jeans on and just did upper body. I saw it down here. I went to the gym and Bob Costas strolled in in jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, jeans, but he was just doing upper body. That's a savage move. That's a short man move. All chest, no legs.

Mike Tirico is the best sports announcer to listen to right now

Mike Tirico might be my favorite guy to listen to. It's probably Al Michaels still maybe has it because of who he is and what he's done. But Mike Tirico might be my favorite guy to listen to.

Christian Ponder has the perfect look of a really good backup quarterback.

I would say that Christian Ponder has the look of a really good backup quarterback. Every good starting quarterback has a little something weird about him. But Ponder is just like, he's a good looking guy. He's just kind of, he's neutral. He's got some muscles. Like you said, he looks good in shorts and a t-shirt. Absolutely. He looks good.

Kyle Orton belongs on the Mount Rushmore of backup quarterbacks.

Kyle Orton, come on. Of course.

Jared Lorenzen is a Mount Rushmore backup quarterback

Friend of the program, Jared Lorenzen. Yes. Has a Super Bowl ring. People forget that.

Jeff Garcia is the quintessential emergency backup quarterback

Jeff Garcia. Oh, man. Dude, he was one of those guys where if your quarterback got injured in the preseason – It could be like five years after Garcia retired. You're going to make a call to Garcia's agent. He's a name that should get thrown around a lot more.

The US Olympic swimming trials are more stressful than the actual Olympics

It's really challenging to get on that U.S. team. The Olympic trials is, I would say – more stressful than the Olympics. Uh, so just, just to get on the team, um, was a relief.

The Ryan Lochte robbery story in Rio was blown out of proportion.

I think some of it was blown out of proportion, but I'm glad I wasn't with him and got robbed.

LeBron James could become the world's best 50m freestyle swimmer in two years.

[Big Cat]: If LeBron were to try his hand at swimming how long do you think it would take him to become the best in the world in the 50? [Dwyer]: 50? Two years. That guy's pretty athletic.

You shouldn't wash your apples before eating them because the dirt is the best part.

[Big Cat: Do you wash your apples?] Absolutely not. Neither do I. The dirt is definitely the best part of the apple. It's Monsanto. You wipe all the Monsanto off the apple when you wash it. And that's where all the flavor comes.

Peyton Manning was using inferior steroids compared to James Harrison

I think what we can clearly tell is that if James Harrison was doing steroids and if Peyton Manning was doing steroids, Peyton Manning was doing way shittier steroids than James Harrison. Those were not from the same steroid guy.

If you give a gorilla enough time, they will cradle and protect a human baby.

20 year anniversary for the Brookfield Zoo, a small toddler fell into the zoo and the gorilla Binti Jua saved the toddler's life, nursed it, cuddled it, made sure that it was safe. So basically, if you give a gorilla enough time, they'll probably cradle a baby and make sure they're safe. Just saying. We're winking right now very hard.

LeBron James could be the fastest sprinter in the world if he wanted to

You have to imagine that if LeBron James wanted to, he could be the fastest sprinter in the world.

Olympic swimming is a fringe sport that doesn't deserve the level of excitement it receives from announcers

Anyone who gets that excited for a fringe sport like swimming – You're okay in my book. Like, you either have to go all in and just crazy, crazy, crazy, like Rowdy Gaines, or... [announcers] Basically orgasming for an entire night while he watches the same exact swimming races with just varying distances.

Water polo and men's field hockey are the two worst sports in the world

little bone to pick water polo and field hockey men's field hockey those are the two worst sports in the world um why well water polo you talk about drowning they literally just i mean they're treading water and they're trying not to drown the entire time

The USWNT coach is terrified of Hope Solo and is too scared to bench her

I've got a working theory that everybody's just terrified. The coach is terrified to put [Hope Solo] on the bench.

NFL catch rules should be based on common sense rather than slow-motion replay

If common sense dictates that it's a catch, it ought to be a catch. I think one of the issues that has come up in this is that it doesn't belong in replay. This whole judgment area... That's judgment. It's 100% judgment. And replay ought to be based on facts, not judgment.

The uncatchable ball rule should be determined by the receiver; if it is Ted Ginn, 90% of passes should be considered uncatchable

Shouldn't an uncatchable ball, shouldn't that rule be determined on who the wide receiver is in question? If it's Ted Ginn, shouldn't 90% of them be uncatchable?

NFL technology, such as chips in the football to measure field goals, is going too far

I think this technology, in my opinion, is going too far. I mean, I'm watching the San Francisco 49ers and they're playing Houston... there's a chip in the football that's measuring field goal attempts and how far inside the upright each kick is good by... I don't know where we're going in this.

The importance of NFL officials being in peak physical shape is overhyped compared to their experience and mental processing

I think that the notion of the being in shape thing is a little bit overhyped a little bit... an official only has to cover seven yards for the most part. I mean, how fast does he have to move? And I'd rather have a guy that can process a thought and, you know, with experience and make some decisions versus... some, you know, guy that's 35 that can run like a deer but doesn't know, you know, delay a game from offside.

NFL officials love officiating at Lambeau Field and Soldier Field but dislike the Oakland Coliseum

Officials, the one thing they get caught up a little bit in is history, which is why they like the Lambeau fields and they like the soldier fields and why they don't like the Oakland Coliseum.

The New England Patriots have pulled shenanigans that have to be considered cheating

Based on the Spygate thing, which they did, and what I at least perceive to be enough evidence on the Spygate thing, to me, they pull shenanigans that are certainly have to be considered cheating.

Jon Gruden was the worst coach in the NFL to deal with on the sidelines

Who was the worst coach on the sideline? Him [Gruden]. I don't think there's any question. And officials used to call me when I was in charge of the league and say, you know, Gruden was out of line.

The NFL needs to officially suspend Aaron Hernandez immediately

Aaron Hernandez, now convicted of the murder of Odin Lloyd, he's been charged with double homicide. He's being investigated for another shooting. Still not officially suspended by the NFL... We are the Woodward and Bernstein [of this story].

ChapStick is a myth that creates its own dependency

I think ChapStick's a myth, too. Like, I don't believe in ChapStick. I've never put on ChapStick one time in my life, and I've never thought I needed ChapStick. But once you start using it, then your mind tells you, I need more ChapStick.

A man should only cry after losing his virginity or winning an Olympic medal

I always love it when our Olympians have a good cry... I would say that and maybe after you lose your virginity is the only acceptable time where a man can cry.

LeBron James would be the best of all time in any Olympic sport he chose

Could LeBron James dominate this sport? And the answer is always yes. If LeBron decided not to play basketball and instead was a swimmer or a high diver or a handball player or a soccer player, he'd probably be the best of all time.

Any adult male with no wife or kids who is a 'gymnastics enthusiast' is a 'pre-crime' suspect

I feel like there's just always like a few creepy dudes hanging around the gymnast. If you're a gymnastics enthusiast and that's where the line stops, like you have no personal connection to the sport, you just really like it. Maybe just watch on TV. No wife, no kids. But you do love your women's gymnastics. That's what we call a little pre-crime.

College is still a great option for many aspiring professional soccer players in the U.S.

Not only staying in Major League Soccer, but for a lot of people, college is still a great option to play college soccer and get a scholarship. I mean, very few people, as you know, go from a high school star to being a professional player. It's a very small percentage.

LeBron James would be the best soccer goalie of all time, but he is too tall to be an elite field player

If LeBron James decided to play soccer instead of basketball, would he be the best soccer player of all time? [Landon]: I mean, he's still a little tall to be able to move the way – he'd probably be the best goalie of all time.

Tim Tebow is like a six-year-old because he hasn't sucked enough at any job to rule it out as a possibility

[Tebow] is basically like a six-year-old. He's just like, I want to be a professional football player... I want to be a baseball player. And he's going to get the chance to do that. So it's like when you're six years old... you can say like an astronaut because you haven't proved that you're incompetent at anything. The best thing that you can say about Tim Tebow is that he doesn't suck enough at anything where any job is really out of the remote possibility for him.

Mark Teixeira is one of the most forgettable great players of all time.

Mark Teixeira, I think, goes down as the most forgettable great player ever. Like one of the most forgettable great players of all time. He has over 400 home runs. He was great at first base. He won a title. And do you think there is a single Mark Teixeira fan out there?

Alex Rodriguez never truly earned his pinstripes.

Did A-Rod ever earn his pinstripes? I would say no.

Mark McGwire is the top steroid user, and his 1998 home run title should have belonged to Sammy Sosa.

I got Mark McGwire. It's a shame what he did to Sammy Sosa that season because that should have been Sammy's home run title. So Mark McGwire is my number one.

Bob Costas was a better Olympic broadcaster when he had pink eye.

My big thing is I miss pink eye Bob Costas. It's not the same with him with two functional eyeballs out there. I miss it. I miss it. He was so good when he was playing hurt. I actually think he was better when he only had one eye.

Mayonnaise is a great condiment that needs to be destigmatized.

Mayo doesn't get enough respect... If there's one thing I want to bring back in this world, it's the destigmatization... it's that mayo is a great condiment and people should not be ashamed to use it.

The best 'sauce' is 'Barbacuffalo,' a mix of barbecue and buffalo sauce.

My number one [sauce] is Barbacuffalo sauce. It's when you mix barbecue and buffalo sauce together. Hank invented this a few years ago and he eats buffalo and barbecue sauce combined.

The best 'sauce' is dipping fries into a Wendy's chocolate frosty.

The chocolate frosties from Wendy's. Dip fries in a chocolate frosty. That's the best sauce there is.

Ketchup is a trash condiment.

Ketchup's trash, man.

Queso and guacamole both qualify as sauces or condiments.

Number two, queso. Oh, man, that's cheating... obviously queso. No, it's also a condiment. You can put queso on a steak... you can put queso on a sandwich. Number three is salsa. Number three is guacamole. You can get it on a sub.

It is unavoidable for every high-volume media company to eventually have a scandal like the Hulk Hogan Gawker story.

It seems like it's unavoidable at certain points to have some story, because you're just churning out lots of content, to have some story go awry and go off the rails... I think that it's difficult, almost impossible to avoid.