Takes

Kickers and punters are not actual people

Kickers are not people. We can get Pat McAfee on here right now. Kickers are not people. I love kickers. Kickers are my boys, but they are not people. They are kickers. Punters... they're in the same boat.

Nebraska football is an unsuccessful program if they aren't playing for championships

I want to see them back. I want to see them, you know, if Nebraska isn't playing for national championships, it's an unsuccessful year.

NFL players who post workout videos on social media are annoying; just do your job and show it on the field

I will say that all these guys posting videos of themselves working out now, that I disagree with. That, I mean, I draw the line somewhere. Like, duh, you're doing your job. You're working out. The whole world doesn't need to know about it. Rise and grind, yeah. Show me on the football field.

Jay Glazer is better than Adam Schefter because Schefter is a 'nerd'

Did you pick Jay instead of Schefter because Schefter's a nerd and everyone wants to give him a swirly? 100%. Glazer's the man... Jay has so many relationships. He is so dialed that anything big goes through Jay.

Ryan Leaf and Johnny Manziel are bigger busts than a serial killer

I think Ryan Leaf and Johnny Manziel still are bigger [busts].

Philip Rivers is using the 'Ultimate Chargers Mom' contest to hook up with moms in San Diego

I feel like Philip Rivers is about to hook up with some moms in the San Diego area. You're giving a guy who loves moms because he's got 10 kids. He loves sex. He loves moms. And you're having this guy do a photo judge and call a mom? I don't know, Chargers. Feels like a bad idea.

Hating Philadelphia is the most Philadelphia thing a person can do

Isn't hating Philadelphia like that's the most Philadelphia thing that you can do?

Social media accounts for children should be banned

It's getting to the point in this country where, like, I don't want my children to have social media accounts. I think, like, our country has reached the point where let's just shut it down. Nobody else gets a Twitter account.

Not being verified on Twitter is a blessing because it provides a 'built-in Fifth Amendment' to deny saying things

Maybe us being not verified is a blessing in disguise, kind of like a built-in Fifth Amendment for ourselves that we can just say we didn't say things.

The NHL handshake line is the worst display of sportsmanship because it is mandatory

If anything, the hockey line is the worst handshake line because one, it's mandatory. So there's no like actual thought behind it. They just have to line up and do it. And two, they just go and they high five and say good game. The Heat and Hornets game today, guys are like hugging and talking and catching up.

Rockin' Refuel will get you jacked, but it might be a different kind of jacked

You get jacked, but it might be a different kind of jack.

LSU at night is the hardest stadium to play in the SEC

And the hardest [place to play] is probably like LSU. At night. Yeah, that's rough.

Andy Dalton's new haircut is actually cool and the team likes it

No, he has a cool haircut now. Everybody likes his haircut. My wife loves his haircut now. ... It's definitely a cool haircut.

You should tip the maid $5 if you stay at a hotel for more than one night

If you stay at a hotel for more than one night, you leave five bucks for the maid. ... Just dump [change] in and it will all even out. If you go to a bar, your first tip is always $2. ... And if you're at a wedding... you hand the guy a $20 bill to start the night.

Laremy Tunsil's gas mask bong video is actually a positive scouting report showing he has great lung capacity and mental toughness

Nice lungs on him. If you're scouting him and you're like, damn, that guy can play deep into the fourth quarter. That guy can play at altitude is what it tells me. ... So that guy can be in a tight place. He can play in altitude. Mentally tough. He's got deep lungs. He can play deep into the fourth quarter.

You cannot win with an NFL player who has never tried weed

Your draft pick being a weed guy i think that you don't want to have a draft pick who's who's never tried weed everyone has a friend who's never tried weed and he's a loser and like when you pass the joint around you're like fuck this guy's a narc you start thinking about it you can't win with a guy who's never tried weed

Carson Wentz looks like a guy who has never tried weed before

I would say that, actually, Carson Wentz seems like a guy that's never tried weed before. ... I think if you look at his tweet history, the fact that he lives in North Dakota, weed, they don't have North Dakota weed. You can't get weed, yeah.

Laremy Tunsil's stepdad is officially the worst stepdad of all time

If this stepdad really hacked Laremy Tunsil's every account he has, he's by far the worst stepdad of all time. So every other stepdad in relation looks okay.

Laremy Tunsil is a sympathetic figure because his stepdad leaked the video to screw him over

The fact that he has a stepdad in this issue actually works to his favor because I think right away, PR 101, get a stepdad that could somehow screw you over and then be like, yo, my stepdad's a dick. Automatically a sympathetic figure. ... everyone is like, poor Laremy Tunsil, we feel so bad for this guy because of the stepdad factor.

Bruce Arians is building a defensive cartel in the Arizona desert

I think Bruce Arians is building a cartel out in the desert. He's got Tyrann Mathieu, and now he's got Chandler Jones. Can you imagine those defensive meeting rooms? It's going to be like a Star Wars movie theater back in the '70s with all the smoke going up.

Compared to Laremy Tunsil's gas mask, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix looks soft for only having a joint in his draft night photo

Another real winner of the draft was Ha Ha Clinton-Dix from a couple years ago. You'll remember he had that joint that was next to him on the couch. So now basically Ha Ha Clinton-Dix looks like a big pussy right now. At least have an apparatus for me to make a story.

Chris Berman's pun game proves he still has his fastball

The Giants selected Eli Apple, Chris Berman. Right on the ball. Good to see that Berman still got it. He gets a little shit every now and then. He had Eli the Big Apple instantly.

The person who leaked Laremy Tunsil's gas mask video deserves death

If we're in the trust tree right now, this guy deserves death. ... If he winds up like in a ditch somewhere like, yep, no one is going to cry about that. He's a scumbag.

You can only trust the weather in Chicago between July 4th and Labor Day

It's been classic Chicago because three weeks, two weeks ago, it was 80 degrees and beautiful. Now winter is basically back. And like I said, the only time you can trust Chicago weather is like July 4th to Labor Day.

Hershey's Hugs are superior to Kisses

Hershey's hugs are better than kisses.

Stephen A. Smith should argue against a mirror instead of a co-host

I actually think Stephen A. Smith should just argue in a mirror, like a dog looking at itself and barking. How great would that be? If we just put a really clean mirror in front of Stephen A. Smith, we're like, this is your new host, man.

Skip Bayless is the new Monet and takes are the new art

Takes is the new art. Like, back in the 1700s, 1800s, you didn't have people giving takes to each other. You had people making paintings. Like, real art. Who cares? ... But now you've got people who are giving their opinions and then other people talk about their opinions. So it's like it's the new art. So what I'm getting at is Skip Bayless is the new Monet.

Sam Bradford hasn't earned the right to be a starting quarterback

I can't comprehend where Sam Bradford's coming from to think that he earned the right to be a starting quarterback in the NFL.

I want my offensive linemen to be white and my defensive linemen to be black

I would like [6'6 guys who run 4.2s] on my offensive line, and I'd like the black guys on my defensive line.

Joey Bosa is a great draft prospect because of his name

I'm a big Joey Bosa guy just from the name. I think his name, I think that's a great name.

DeForest Buckner is a top draft prospect because his first name is a verb

If your first name is a verb, I think that's pretty solid. [DeForest Buckner] jumps up to the top of my big board.

Robert Nkemdiche would be a Vine superstar if he landed on a beer pong table when he fell out of a window

If there was a beer pong table that [Robert Nkemdiche] landed on, he'd be a Vine superstar. If anything, he just did it a little too early.

Carmelo Anthony is a bum

Carmelo? He's a bum. ... He's a bum on the Knicks. And he wears bum hats.

San Diego is 'fake life' and not real life

San Diego is fake life. It's not real life. There's nothing real about San Diego. There are no fat people. I'm pretty sure no one has a job except if you're in the Navy. It's beautiful every single day. Everyone's just relaxed and like cool. There's no edge.

The best way to get over a hangover is to drink more

My advice, as always, is Pedialyte. Pedialyte tends to work. But most importantly, my advice is to drink a Bloody Mary and then, like, seven beers afterwards. That's what I did this morning. It worked well.

Never plan dinners for a bachelor party

If you're planning a bachelor party, don't plan any dinners. I've never seen a party go from this was fun to just death. You sit down, you eat, and it's just like, okay, now I just want to go to bed.

The NBA should fast forward to the conference finals

Let's just fast forward. They should eliminate half the teams in the NBA.

The NBA first round should return to five-game series

I honestly think they should go back to the five games in the first round. The five-game series just felt more like every game means so much. And if you can win one game, it's like, ooh, maybe they can actually pull this off.

Officiating in all sports is better than it's ever been

I would, in fact, say that officiating is better than it's ever been. In every sport across the board. Ever. Of all time. The refs are great. Shut the fuck up if you think that they're not.

Album releases should go back to Tuesdays

Whatever happened in the good old days where you could, like, everybody released their albums on Tuesday. You could prepare yourself mentally, financially, save up enough money where you could go to Best Buy and buy the album on Tuesday. It was a handshake agreement, and it was much better.

The only people to ever make Minnesota cool are Kirby Puckett, Kevin Garnett, and Prince

It's basically the list of people who have made the state of Minnesota cool are like Kirby Puckett, Kevin Garnett, and Prince. That's it.

The pinnacle of celebrity status is when nobody makes jokes about your death on Twitter

That's when you know you've made it. Like, Prince died. Everyone is really sad... Prince is no jokes. There are no jokes. David Bowie was the same way. You don't do jokes when Prince dies. So that's really, like, the pinnacle of celebrity is people don't joke about your death.

Skip Bayless and Curt Schilling are 'bad guys' that sports fans actually need in their lives

You want Skip [Bayless] in your life. Like, you're complaining about him. He's the bad guy. He's like Tony Montana walking through that restaurant, right? You have to have somebody that you point at that's got the shittiest takes that you almost... that you love to hate.

Tiger Woods loses his 'man card' for needing his dad to teach him how to drink water between beers

Tiger Woods, I'm taking your man card, first of all... Asking your dad to teach you how to drink a beer because you puked at a fricking frat party once? Man card again. How many times can I take this man card?

Playing for the Detroit Lions sucks the life out of you

If you just see what they've done in the past and even now with Calvin [Johnson], it's a tough place to play. It just sucks the life out of you. I don't know how else to describe it.

Any future heroic act by JJ Watt will be a staged PR stunt

I wouldn't rule out J.J. Watt staging, saving some child from a burning building or something. If you hear a story in the next month that J.J. Watt ran into a burning warehouse and there were children and kittens and puppies and he saved them all, just be on the lookout for that. ... I want to be a pre-truther to anything heroic that J.J. Watt does in the next six months.

Jon Jones' claim of marijuana addiction is a PR move because it's not a real addiction

Jon Bones Jones today came out and said like, yeah, I used to smoke a lot of weed and now I don't anymore. And so now I'm back on the straight and narrow. ... That's just not really an addiction. They're not going to be mad at you. Like that's just... just not really an addiction.

Rob Ryan sleeping at the Bills facility is a bigger 'Football Guy' move than Dan Mullen's marathon

Without a doubt, Rob Ryan's sleeping at the facility. And here's why. Rex Ryan, now that he's got his brother in town, they're doing nothing but hanging out at the Bills facility, drinking Fireball and just like sleeping on cots. And to them, that's like summer camp. So that is a football guy move. Dan Mullen running a long distance and like showing off about it. That's more of a basketball lifer move.

Bill Belichick would be the best NFL coach to serve as a Vice President

Bill Belichick would be a damn good one, too. Because he actually – Bill Belichick would actually instill confidence in a candidate like Donald Trump, right? You'd be like, well, Donald Trump doesn't know what he's doing, but Bill Belichick does. I mean he knows what he's doing basically anything.

Jeff Fisher is the perfect Vice Presidential candidate because he is consistently mediocre

I think I'm going to have to go with your boy, Jeff Fisher, just because, like, he proves that he is a guy that will stick around. In fact, at the very, very least, if you take Fisher, you're getting an average candidate, right? He's consistent. He's not going to commit any huge gaffes, but he's also not going to win over any votes. So he's basically going to keep your approval numbers exactly what they are. Jeff Fisher's only hole is the glaring hole that he's entirely mediocre.