JJ Watt will get a DUI within six months if he keeps up his current public persona

He either comes on Pardon My Take and doesn't interview anybody and is actually real for a little bit... or two, he keeps up the facade, and then six months later, he gets a DUI, and then it's all just completely busted. ... If you keep this up, and then you get a DUI, guess what? You're screwed.

Any future heroic act by JJ Watt will be a staged PR stunt

I wouldn't rule out J.J. Watt staging, saving some child from a burning building or something. If you hear a story in the next month that J.J. Watt ran into a burning warehouse and there were children and kittens and puppies and he saved them all, just be on the lookout for that. ... I want to be a pre-truther to anything heroic that J.J. Watt does in the next six months.

Conor McGregor's retirement is likely a cover for a steroid issue

I don't think people assume steroids enough anymore. And now this is going to be a hot take, but just follow me for a minute. Conor McGregor, he retired because he did steroids, right? Why isn't anyone saying that?

Cal Ripken Jr. used performance-enhancing drugs to maintain his consecutive games streak

I think that we need to bring back steroid accusations because you're absolutely right. So I'll get it started by reiterating my favorite steroid claim of all time, and that's that Cal Ripken Jr. used steroids or performance-enhancing drugs to break that streak.

Rob Ryan sleeping at the Bills facility is a bigger 'Football Guy' move than Dan Mullen's marathon

Without a doubt, Rob Ryan's sleeping at the facility. And here's why. Rex Ryan, now that he's got his brother in town, they're doing nothing but hanging out at the Bills facility, drinking Fireball and just like sleeping on cots. And to them, that's like summer camp. So that is a football guy move. Dan Mullen running a long distance and like showing off about it. That's more of a basketball lifer move.

Jeff Fisher is the perfect Vice Presidential candidate because he is consistently mediocre

I think I'm going to have to go with your boy, Jeff Fisher, just because, like, he proves that he is a guy that will stick around. In fact, at the very, very least, if you take Fisher, you're getting an average candidate, right? He's consistent. He's not going to commit any huge gaffes, but he's also not going to win over any votes. So he's basically going to keep your approval numbers exactly what they are. Jeff Fisher's only hole is the glaring hole that he's entirely mediocre.

The Warriors' 73-win record means nothing if they don't win the championship

My thing is, the record, in my opinion, doesn't mean much if they don't win the championship. I think it's one of those things where they have to do both to be recognized as one of the best teams ever because they're both 72 and 10 team won the championship. And if they don't, then I just don't think they're on the same level.

NBA first-round draft picks are losing their value because of the rising salary cap

Cap space isn't near as valuable as it was, first round picks aren't nearly as valuable as maybe they used to be and I think there's definitely a lot of good things within [the process] but it's kind of sad to see the state that franchise has found itself in.

Johnny Manziel should go to law school and become his own agent

Johnny Manziel is agentless. He should start going to law school, become his own agent, show that he can be a responsible adult. If Johnny Manziel was like yeah I'm starting night school classes law school night school classes tell me people aren't like wow Johnny really got his act together.

Curt Schilling should be known for his failed business ventures rather than his social media posts

Curt Schilling needs to start bringing up that he bankrupted a video game thing and bankrupted the whole entire state of Rhode Island. I feel like people forget that, and he should be saying that more often. It's like, don't know me as Curt Schilling the racist. Know me as Curt Schilling the really bad businessman.