Takes

Andy Reid doesn't understand how time works

[Andy Reid] has been one of the best coaches of all time. It's remarkable and his coaching tree all that. He does not know how time works. He doesn't know what a clock is. Like we said, he measures time in units of meat.

The double doink drove Matt Nagy insane and made him afraid of playing offense.

I actually think that Matt Nagy has gone insane. I think the double doink actually drove him insane last year... He's so terrified of anything ever bad happening in his entire life. He's agoraphobic... he's afraid to leave his house because of all the bad shit that might happen.

Matt Nagy is just an arrogant, cocky version of Marc Trestman

Matt Nagy is just an arrogant cocky Marc Trestman. That's what he is. He's a guy who thinks that he's smarter than he is and has over thought pretty much every big situation... the guy this year, he stinks.

Saquon Barkley is the GOAT of 'awesome highlights for shitty teams.'

Saquon Barkley is going to go down in the Hall of Fame of awesome highlights for shitty teams. Which is very him, Barry Sanders. Like he had a highlight today where he just manned up a defender, and it was maybe an eight-yard run and then they probably didn't score.

Christian Pulisic is the 'American Juan Soto' of soccer.

Pulisic is 19. Yeah, he is. He's America's Juan Soto of soccer. He's so good. We're going to win a shitload of World Cups with Pulisic.

Daniel Jones is not a good quarterback

As we discovered last week, Daniel Jones does suck.

Hiring David Ross to manage the Cubs is a great idea

My stardom is David Ross. When would it ever be a bad idea to hire everyone's best friend to be the manager and boss? That's not going to be bad at all.

I would return to WWE for $20 to $25 million

I think the conversation would have to start at somewhere like, I don't know, 20, 25 [million].

WWE intentionally fired me on my wedding day out of malice

It's impossible to think that it [firing] was anything but done maliciously and on purpose... they didn't ruin my day... I talk to Triple H two days before that and he was like, hey, let's talk. I was like, can I talk after my honeymoon? My wife worked there. She asked for the day off to get married. So the idea that they didn't know that that was the date and I was getting married is impossible.

Getting tattoos is more about the experience than the actual art

It's more about the experiences and the people you go with and get bro tattoos with than it is about the actual tattoo.

If you are an assistant general manager, your name should never be making headlines for anything

I'm just gonna throw this out there. If you're an assistant general manager, your name should never be making headlines for anything—truth, good or bad. You don't do anything except scout and do your little fucking line graphs and work on spin rate. You should be on a spreadsheet in the back office in the worst lighting possible at all times.

Matt Nagy is cracking and losing his mind as the Bears head coach

My hot seat is Matt Nagy. He's cracking. He's losing his mind. He had the Bears throwing egg toss in practice. That screams like, 'Hey, I'm just trying to do one of those fun games that you do in training camp,' but it's the middle of the season. And yikes. He also told all the players to stay off Twitter.

If you ever have to publicly state 'I am not an idiot,' there is a high probability that you are actually an idiot

[Matt Nagy] also said in his press conference, 'I know we need to run the ball. I'm not an idiot.' If you have to say 'I'm not an idiot,' you might be an idiot at any point in life. Really. If at any point you have to just beg and plead to inform people that you're not [an idiot], you probably are.

Matt LaFleur is currently the most open coach to talk to in the NFL because he hasn't been burned yet

The most open miraculously, at least from the guys we've talked to this year, is Matt LaFleur of the Green Bay Packers. I believe that he doesn't know any better yet. He hasn't been burned yet... Matt LaFleur of the new people is easily the most open.

Being on Twitter is bad for your mental well-being, especially during the postseason

I just think [Twitter] is bringing down the world. I really. I know it's your lifeblood, but especially in the month of October, the idea of just getting on Twitter is just not good.

Jeremy Pruitt's facemask grab was a 'showboating' move

This is why you want Greg Schiano coaching your team and not Pruitt. My problem was he didn't use it as a teachable moment. He looked away. It was a showboating facemask grab. It was the Patrick Mahomes of grabbing your guy by the facemask. At least make eye contact and teach him something.

The controversy over Jeremy Pruitt grabbing a player's facemask is a 'nothing' story

As somebody who got grabbed by his facemask by his high school coach, I feel like I am obligated to talk about this. I think since it happened to me it needs to happen to everybody else... this is the most nothing story of all time.

It is 'kind of hot' to be physically outmatched and 'worked' by your girlfriend in a wrestling match

I beat [my boyfriend] wrestling... can I keep dating him knowing that I alpha'd him? [Big Cat]: He's your sex life now. I'll say it, that's kind of hot. You just get fucking worked by your girlfriend... it was hot when there was a second where I was like, 'Am I going to lose this?'

A secret Twitter burner is a healthy way for a sports fan to burn off steam

I think this is actually the healthiest way that a sports fan can burn off some steam. He's found a very normal outlet to be an immature sports fan, which is redundant because we all are. So just let him live.

Quarterback draft analysis should be based 100% on hand size

I might just do my draft analysis 100% based on [hand size]. I don't see a problem with that. Like I don't care about any of your stats. I don't care how far you can throw just give me your hand size if it's over nine and three-quarters. I'm drafting you.

Daniel Jones is not a good quarterback

Are we sure that Daniel Jones is good? ... I don't think he's good. He did get sacked eight times. And if your offense gives up anything to the defense eight times... that's a bad day.

Matt Nagy is a horrific play caller

I think some of the blame has to be Matt Nagy because Matt Nagy is a horrific play caller. As far as I've seen this year, he ran the ball seven times... you can't know if the running game worked when you run it seven times.

The Chicago Bears are destined to never have a franchise quarterback

The Bears are destined to never have a franchise quarterback. It will never ever happen. It will never happen. The fact that we had DeShaun Watson and Patrick Mahomes in that draft class, it will never happen. It is destined. It is preordained.

Fall is the best season and the perfect time of year

My who's back is fall weather. This weekend was like the perfect fall weather and this is the time you can mark your calendar... that first weekend where it's so good. It was a perfect 60 degrees outside.

Wind is terrifying and has almost no benefits

I hate wind because wind scares me. I'm anti-wind and the wind is always bad. Name one good thing wind has ever done besides sailboats? Sailing, I don't do it. I'd rather be a motorboat.

LeBron James only defended China to protect his Space Jam 2 ticket sales

LeBron is so transparent that he only wanted to say nice things about China because he wants to sell his stupid movie Space Jam 2. Space Jam 1 is better.

Shot charts are useless because any wide-open shot is a good shot

I see dudes passing up open shots in the mid-range... wide open to force passes to the three point line or force up bad finishes at the rim. Guess what's a good shot? An open shot. Shot charts are not for me.

Only the reigning World Series champions should be allowed to wear pinstripes

Pinstripes have become too prominent in baseball. Nine teams wear pinstripes and it sucks... Only the team that wins the World Series gets pinstripes for the entire next year. You have to beat the man to be the man and get the stripes.

LeBron James' statement on China was so bad he could have claimed it was 'Opposite Day' 10 minutes later

He actually – it was such a bad statement that if he had come back and 10 minutes later been like not or like opposite day, he would have been good. He would have been good if he was like everything I said, that was a joke. I meant the opposite of that.

The NFL should eliminate replay and HD cameras because they make officiating problems more obvious

My idea is they should just get rid of replay... I think that cameras, especially HD cameras, are making a big problem for viewers because it's great to see that we just either got screwed or won our bets in slow-mo. If they made the cameras worse, then just get rid of HD on replay. I don't need to see every blade of grass.

Perfecting NFL refereeing would destroy 90% of sports conversation

If they ever do get sky judge, if they do ever perfect refereeing in the NFL... Like 90% of our conversations, day-to-day conversations will be gone. Because if you're a sports fan, what are the things that you can blame your team on sucking? ... If you eliminate refs, now everyone's going to have to come to the realization that, hey, maybe my guys aren't my guys.

The NFL probably tells referees which teams should win or cover the spread

Number two is the NFL tells [the refs] which team should win or cover which spreads. Which probably not, but maybe sometimes it's happened. And gambling is just going to make this problem worse, by the way. When the outcome of the game is affected, but not the gambling math is yet, the small calls that get messed up, that's going to be something that adds on to all this controversy.

The NFL should pay referees enough money to make officiating their full-time job

Just pay the refs a shitload of money and have them have it be their full-time job and then also have their phone numbers on the back of their jerseys so we can all text them when they fuck up.

The Yankees would be an easier World Series matchup for the Nationals than the Astros

I'm rooting for whoever makes it easier for the Nationals. ... That would probably be the Yankees, to be honest. I would rather see the Yankees.

I am done with U.S. Men's Soccer after the loss to Canada

Just when you think it couldn't get worse, we lose to Canada. ... I'm done with the U.S. soccer until they start fucking just doing anything. ... I'm done being embarrassed. I want them to be good.

The Los Angeles Rams are just making up draft picks and trading them to other teams

The Rams are just making up first-round picks. It's actually genius. Who would actually check if the Rams traded the 2021 first-round pick twice? ... IOUs that say 'pick.' I think we uncovered it. That's the new 'Trust the Process' — just make up draft picks. Imagine if we had like a Ponzi scheme type of Madoff situation and Sean McVay, in five years, [we find out] he traded his first-round pick 17 times.

It is much better to be a shithead at 22 than to have your life together in your 20s and turn into one at 30

It's way better to be a shithead when you're 22 and you don't have any power, you don't have enough money to get yourself in serious trouble than it is to have all your shit together throughout your 20s. Then you turn 30, you're established, maybe you've got a couple dollars in your pocket, and then you turn into a shithead, you're much more dangerous at that point in life.

The worse a sports franchise is, the more music and zaniness they pump into the stadium experience

The more your franchise stinks, the more music and zaniness on the field in between plays. ... the fucking speaker, the shit they were pumping out [at FedEx Field] was literally playing Twisted Sister. ... It becomes like when you're in a bar and you're hitting on some chick and you're just screaming in her ear.

PNC Park in Pittsburgh is the best new baseball stadium in America

I'd have to say that the best new one that I went to is Pittsburgh. It's just the view of the bridges... It's just a shame their ownership is just running it like the Nestle Corporation.

Hockey is the best sport because it's a 'loner' sport that doesn't get mainstream respect

I enjoy hockey. That's probably my number one. ... I love it because it's also like it's never been the sport in this country. It's rogue. It's sort of outside. There's a loner sort of thing to it. ... It's more like a stand-up comic.

Lambeau Field is the best football stadium

Lambeau. Lambeau and then also old Dallas Cowboys Stadium because I loved Tom Landry Cowboys when they were like [a] disrespectful franchise that did coke and banged hookers.

There is nothing better than having action on a game

There's nothing better than having action on a game. I can't understand people [who don't]. ... I got buddies of mine that if there's a game they don't give a shit about, they put money on it so they will.

NFL officials are individually better than ever, but overall officiating is worse

I think the officials from top to bottom are better, but the officiating is worse. And, you know, it's been created by replay. It's created by a system that's called 'O to O' Officials to Officials. They now have the replay guy in their ear. They have New York in their ear. It's easier to sit back and think that things are going to be corrected for you.

Jameis Winston is the funniest physical comedian in NFL history

This was, in my mind, the quintessential Jameis Winston performance. He is the funniest person I have ever watched in my entire life when it comes to physical comedy. His body makes no sense. He flails everywhere. He had five interceptions, fumbled on back-to-back plays, lost one of them. He started the game first play pick. Ended the game, last play pick.

Kyler Murray was awesome and played with a college-style advantage against the Falcons

Kyler Murray was awesome defensively. And the Falcons, a quick update for you... there were many times where they would show the like a pass catcher, get the ball from Kyler Murray. And there wasn't a single defender in the screen. And that is the sign of a college football defense where you just – we call them college football plays where it looks like there just isn't a secondary out there.

Matt Ryan is part of the problem and needs to be flushed along with the rest of the Falcons

Matt Ryan, his brain was broken. He's part of it. Like it or not, he's a talented quarterback, but he's part of the Atlanta Falcons, their descent into madness. And he might be the shiniest turd in the punch bowl... but you still got to flush him.

The husband starting the magician restaurant is going to go bankrupt

Guess what? You're opening a magician's restaurant and you're putting all your life savings into it and your kids aren't going to college because their dad is going to be opening a magician's restaurant that's probably going to be pretty sweet until you go bankrupt like three months into it.

Atlanta is the saddest sports city on Earth

Atlanta is truly the saddest place on Earth with sports... They gave up 10 runs first inning. I've never seen anything like that... 28 to 3 Super Bowl, which is the biggest collapse maybe in sports history... The Braves won 14 straight division titles and they had one World Series to show for it.

DeAndre Hopkins has the best hands in NFL history

Definitely my boy [DeAndre Hopkins] man. I mean, there ain't nobody in the game—I don't think anybody in history—got better hands than [Hopkins]. He's the only receiver ever done it when he had zero drops in one season, 115 catches. That's pretty crazy.

Minnesota is low-key the saddest sports city in America

[The Twins] have lost, was it 15 straight postseason games? ... All of Minnesota, they're borderline the most cursed sports city of all time. I've said that. They are low-key the saddest sports city when people always go to Cleveland or Buffalo.