Takes

Players who sit out bowl games are damaging their legacy and their status as a competitor

I think it hurts their actual—their legacy too. Just what they're about. You know, a competitor is going to compete... Everybody talks about it. They're a competitor... But then they actually don't go play in a football game. You know, that's, to me, that's a problem. You have a problem now with who you are as a competitor and your legacy.

Questioning a man's toughness is the worst thing you can do, second only to animal abuse

Questioning their toughness? It's right up there at the top. I think there's probably worse things. You know, you could accuse somebody of beating their dog or something like that. Toughness... that you cross the line, in my opinion.

I'm always going to bet on Matt Schaub in the Hall of Fame game

In the Hall of Fame game, I'm always, always going to bet on Matt Schaub. Hey, Trey [Wingo], lock it up.

We have all been living in a computer simulation since 2012

My fire fest of the week is the fact that we've all been dead for seven years. Back in 2012, the Large Hadron Collider was invented... And currently we're living in a computer simulation. We're like, God is doing like a Madden Sim season... there are these little tiny glitches that the computer didn't get right. For example, Skechers Shoes. I always thought it was S-K-E-T-C-H-E-R-S. Turns out it's not. There's no T in there.

The Brooklyn Nets officially own Brooklyn over the Knicks

[Big Cat]: Do the Nets own New York? [Joe Harris]: I wouldn't go that far. [Big Cat]: Do you guys own Brooklyn? [Joe Harris]: We definitely own Brooklyn. Hopefully. I don't want to impose on the old Brooklyn Dodgers fans.

The NBA mid-season tournament is a bad idea because top teams won't care

I don't know. I mean, it seems like it would be – it's a good idea maybe on paper, but... everybody's gonna throw a fit like if you have a tournament like game 50 in the season. I don't know like what are the premier teams thinking about like playing in this tournament that's like sort of meaningless when you have the playoffs on the horizon.

Tony Bennett is the best coach in college basketball

He's the best coach in the ACC? Oh, yes. He's the best coach in college basketball. Better than Coach K? Yeah.

You must have an NBA championship ring to receive a retirement farewell tour

I think the farewell tour, you need to have a ring. I think you need to have a ring to get a farewell tour. I think that's the threshold.

The Lakers should get an extra roster spot specifically for Carmelo Anthony

How about the Lakers get an extra roster spot this year just for Carmelo? They can't use it on anyone else. Just Carmelo so that we can have the fun of watching Carmelo try to play with the Lakers.

LeBron James doesn't love his kids because he lets them play basketball instead of football

I would actually say that the worst thing that LeBron James is doing, the proof that he doesn't actually love his kids, is that they're playing basketball and not football. Like LeBron James should have been a football player to begin with. He's always kind of taking the coward's way out.

The Cowboys should not pay Ezekiel Elliott an insane amount of money

I think they should hold firm because as it stands right now, Ezekiel Elliott has one year left on his deal... If you basically pay him so much money that other parts of your team can't be paid and the line can't be paid both defensive and offensive, then you're just hurting yourself in the future.

The Mets' strategy of having no plan is the perfect plan for the franchise

I love when the Mets have no plan, but pretend they have a plan because that's what you can rely on. So when you look at it from afar, their plan's working perfectly. Their no plan plan is a perfect plan for the Mets.

The goat is the number one farm animal

I'm going to go with the goat... a lot of reasons. I'm thinking logically how much they eat, the reproduction, the price per pound coming from the farm. But the first domesticated animal on earth. And it is the goat. 1, 1. It's quite obvious.

The Muscovy duck is the best farm animal because it is quiet and tasty

the muscovy duck... just an interesting looking creature... quackless... any animal you can get that's quiet is a good thing... they're tasty too. A lot of reasons. They eat mice. They're mean.

Every pair of identical twins has kissed each other at some point

I have a theory that every twin, they kiss at some point. Because they're like, you look like me, I look like you. We're all kind of narcissistic. If I saw myself, I'd be like, give myself a little smooch.

Professional wrestlers must make their promos personal and truthful to be successful

everyone that I've seen cut a really amazing promo, they have truth in it... they either really don't like the other person... they make it personal. That is how I've done some of my best. And anyone I've seen that I've enjoyed, I know that it was personal.

Dancing with the Stars is the hardest thing I've ever done, even more difficult than professional wrestling

The hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Harder than wrestling? Yes. No. Yep... they were trying to like retrain my muscles, which my muscles were like, no... learning, you think 90 seconds or a minute... is like not a lot. It is so many steps. Then you're on live TV. Then you know, you're going to be judged.

Brooks Koepka is the greatest golfer of all time this year

[Brooks Koepka] is the greatest golfer of all time this year. So I don't understand how it works, but I just know that this one triggered all the other finishes, and now he won it all.

I would pay Ezekiel Elliott before Dak Prescott and Amari Cooper

I get it with Ezekiel Elliott. This is the take I'm willing to squat on. I would pay Ezekiel Elliott first. I would pay him before Dak. I'd pay him before Amari.

Eli Manning is a wide receiver killer whose play style leads to his receivers getting injured

Eli injures his wide receivers. ... Let's go through the list... Plaxico Burris shot himself... Hakeem Nix, he was just constantly injured... Victor Cruz... Torres Patello-Tendon. Odell Beckham, he was always hurt.

LeBron James was taking time and attention away from the kids by dunking in the layup line

Seemed pretty dangerous. Seemed like he was taking time away from the kids. Seemed like the rim probably, the next dunk that goes down, the backboard's going to come down.

The airline complainer at the gate is one of the most annoying types of people in an airport

I'm just going to go the complainer, the airline complainer at the gate who has decided that this travel, like whatever happened to them is the worst thing in the world. And it's not like every other travel minor inconvenience you've had. They yell, they scream, they berate people, they make a scene and they make it so much worse for everyone else.

Barefoot people on planes are the most annoying travel people

The barefoot person on the plane. The person who puts their feet up and there are just toes everywhere. It's just gross. I don't care how clean your feet are. When I look at a foot, I assume it's dirty and I imagine the smell even if it doesn't stink.

People who stand at the gate and clog the aisle long before their boarding group is called are the worst

The people that get up way too early, like, this flight is about to board. ... If you're in group five and they say, no, no. ... If you're in group five and you go and then stand and just wait at the gate, I hate you.

People who stand up immediately upon landing and clog the aisle are incredibly annoying

When you get up to leave a plane the second that it lands and you clog the fucking aisle and nobody can get out of their seats, there's a reason that there's an order to get out of the plane.

People who bring hot, smelly food onto planes are assholes

Hot food on the plane guy who brings it in with him. Dude, if you're bringing like a whole Chinese food and then popping it open right when we sit down, you're an asshole. and it smells everywhere, that's the worst.

You should always clap when a plane lands safely

The pilot landed on the ground safely. You just traveled hundreds and hundreds of miles in the air, and you're not going to clap and appreciate what the pilot just did for you? ... Sometimes I ironically will just start a clap. Like I'll do one just to see if I can get it going.

Shitting in an airplane bathroom ruins the travel experience for everyone else on the plane

Person that shits in the airplane bathroom. Especially if you happen to be in that last room. ... It ruins the traveling experience for everybody.

TSA agents who ask too many investigative questions are unnecessarily stressful

The TSA guy who asked too many questions. The agent, when you have to give them your ID, you ever get the one where it's like, what's your name? Or where are you flying? And it's the easiest question, but you always blank. ... I don't know what it is about the TSA because they just, for some reason, they're not even cops. You're not even real cops.

I have no regrets about choosing to stay with the Clippers during the 2015 free agency period

I don't regret how [the 2015 free agency] played out or the decision that I made second [to stay with the Clippers]. I kind of just wish that it would have been faster. ... But I was happy with the decision I made going back to the Clippers.

Joel Embiid is the hardest player to guard in the post

I'll probably have to say a guy like Joel Embiid, man. He's a big guy. He can face up, back to the basket, super skilled, extremely strong. So a guy like that probably.

NFL running backs are in a terrible spot and need to get paid as much as possible while they can

If you're a running back, you're fucked. ... They're like holding out and you're like... Get paid while you can. Getting paid. Not for long. Getting a gimpy knee.

Trevor Bauer is a 'dumb smart person' whose antics are good for baseball

Trevor Bauer... he's a dumb, smart person. ... I think that he might be exactly what baseball needs. We always talk about baseball. We don't have a face of the game. Lean into marketing this dumbass. ... Baseball hasn't really had an asshole for a long time.

There is no difference between being a hardcore football fan and someone who treats mouse figurines like family

There's zero difference between what we do and these people pretending that their mouse figurines are part of their family. ... We're paying so much attention to football and watching Hard Knocks and breaking down all 22 for no reason on Twitter, they would probably be like, these guys are a bunch of weirdos.

Communicating with in-laws through mouse figurines would actually be a godsend for avoiding awkward conversations

You're actually lucky because guess what? You don't have to actually ever have a conversation with your in-laws. You just have to have a conversation with their figurine mice. That's a fucking godsend. You never have to be like, oh, when are you having kids? ... Just fucking talk to Timothy the mouse and you're good.

Overweight men should wear busy patterns to hide their chests

Listen, when you're overweight, you have a choice. And the choice is lose weight or wear designs and patterns that shield your man tits.

Three-wheeled cars are unsafe and should be banned

Three wheelers scares the fuck out of me. Yeah. I don't like that. Get rid of that. I don't like that.

The best training camp tradition is players walking into dorms with basic household supplies

The old school, like the Bears still do it on a college campus, so you get guys like these 300-pound linemen walking in with toilet paper and fans. It's awesome. That's the best. That's training camp.

The compact SUV market is a total fraud

The compact SUV world is such a fraud city... it's just a car. And then you actually don't have as much trunk room as you would in a normal car. You put a dog in it, and it's already crowded.

Short men should uniformly disavow Bagel Boss

We have to uniformly, all us real Short Kings, disavow Bagel Boss, man. He's also declared himself to be the MLK of short people. I don't know if you saw that.

TikTok is mostly bizarre and weird

TikTok, maybe, like, there's, like... couple good videos on TikTok now. Those people are so weird. Most of it is fucking bizarre.

The Internet is ruining people's brains to the point where they hate things they love

It's such a weird concept to me to have the internet fuck your brain up so much that you can hate something you used to love. And I feel like that's how you get deep into the internet. You get to these people where it's like, how is this real world?

ESPN is ruining the UFC's broadcasting model

Fuck ESPN for what they're doing to the UFC. That's a dumb, stupid fucking model. Makes no sense where the fuck you put the fights. I can't buy it or you can't buy it and it's on Sling, but then you go to Sling and it played three hours earlier.

Anthony Weiner being alive proves the Clintons didn't murder anyone

Anytime Anthony Weiner's Weiner pops up, which it does several times a year, that is all the proof that you need [that the Clintons didn't murder people]. Although I would really like to see Hillary Clinton try to kill somebody.

David Ross would be a great manager because modern baseball is about clubhouse management over X's and O's

I think the way that the manager position in baseball has moved to now, it's less about the X's and O's... It's a lot more about keeping a clubhouse together... and I think David Ross would be great at that aspect.

Adnan Syed probably killed Hae Min Lee

The point of that podcast [Serial] is to just inundate you with both sides of everything... The show would not be interesting if it was just very clear that he was railroaded... I think he probably did it. Yeah. All things being equal.

In The Sopranos finale, David Chase whacked the audience

I believe that David Chase actually whacked us. He whacked the audience because we're watching him and we go to black. We can't see any more of the story. So I think that we get killed.

Breaking Bad had the greatest TV show ending of all time

Breaking Bad would be like the best. I don't think it can get any better than that... Everything felt clear. His kids still get the money. Jesse gets away. He's the moral conscious. Hank does die, which I think at that point, he doesn't want to die. He needed to die.

Pete Sampras's 14 majors were more impressive than the era of Federer and Djokovic because Sampras was so much better than his peers

Sampras's [majors] were more impressive... Sampras was just that much better than everybody else that he was playing at the time.

Watching Monday Night Raw for a Stone Cold appearance is better than watching The Bachelorette

It's so lame that people watch that show [The Bachelorette]. Be a real man and watch three hours of Monday Night Raw just so that Stone Cold [Steve Austin] can come out for the last five seconds... I did that last night.