Takes

I like to root for excellence and the inevitable winner

I like the Red Sox and I like the Yankees. I like the storyline and I like teams that are great. I like excellence. I root for the inevitable. My brother Chad is a longtime Browns fan and Bengals fan and he just dwells in his misery. He's the exact opposite of me in that way. I like people who are good at what they do.

LeBron James carries the ball on every single possession

I love LeBron, but we used to call carries. He carries on every possession. Every possession. He palms and also he's got that hand out [stiff arm]. So he's allowed to hand check.

The Kobe/Shaq Lakers would destroy the Steph Curry Warriors because no one can guard Shaq

I think that the Kobe/Shaq three-peat team would destroy Steph Curry's team. Because who would guard Shaq? ... If they're going to bomb from outside and beat you, they will beat you, and that's it. But they're not coming inside, so just let them do it. Live and die by the three.

You can't have depth and substance as an actor if you are good-looking or funny

There's a sort of sense that you can't have depth and substance and also be [good-looking]... and it's the same thing with comedy.

Beards are the reason Civil War movies don't get made anymore

I also think the problem is beards. Beards are out. A lot of beards. You think, well, actually, beards are not. I'm in this room. I know there's one, two, three, four and a half. That's a lot of beards in the room. Now it's time to revisit the Civil War.

If you don't have any edge as a person, you are just a Canadian

You always have a little bit of dick in you. If you don't have any edge, you're just a Canadian.

I want a movie studio to pay for me to use performance-enhancing drugs for a role

I want to get to a point where I have a studio pay for me to be juiced up with the top doctors with all kinds of performance enhancing... I want to do a Marvel movie so somebody gets me ripped and puts me on drugs that I would never do in my real life.

Jon Gruden trades away good players because he doesn't want the hassle of coaching them

If it were up to Jon Gruden, he would still have Jeff Garcia as his quarterback right now. So he sees a first-rounder and he's like, you know what? I'd rather not go through the hassle of having to deal with good players.

Jim Harbaugh always tried to be the dominant male in every situation

He only knows one way to go... [Harbaugh] definitely would set [paintballing] up in a way that he would win and be the dominant male in the situation.

The Buffalo Bills losing four Super Bowls contributed to Timothy McVeigh becoming a terrorist

I am not saying that Timothy McVeigh bombed Oklahoma City in 1995 because the Buffalo Bills lost four Super Bowls in a row. But I'm not saying he didn't either... that Buffalo heartbreak was one of the many shadows that fell across McVeigh's life.

Evanston at 11:00 AM is the hardest place to play in college football

The hardest place to play in the entire college football landscape at 11 a.m. Oh, no doubt. Evanston, Illinois, 11 a.m., no one wants to be there. Everyone is sleeping. Half the kids played in bigger stadiums in high school with more fans in them. It just puts them to sleep.

Danny Amendola only got his contract because of Tom Brady

He said Danny Amendola sucked, and the only reason he got his contract was because of Tom Brady. [PFT]: That's kind of true. Sounds like he [Ramsey] has done his homework on most of these here.

Todd Haley and Gregg Williams are the meanest sons of bitches in the world

My biggest takeaway from Hard Knocks is that Todd Haley and Greg Williams combined are the meanest sons of bitches in the world.

Hue Jackson has a future as the Lorne Michaels of comedy football

I actually think [Hue] Jackson has a future as a Lorne Michaels. He's just been putting together the perfect comedy troupe of a football team for the last three years.

It is better for your career to be a meme than to be in a blockbuster movie

Do you think it is better for your career to be in a blockbuster movie that makes, let's say, $500 million or be in the badass, like the coolest meme of all time? Coolest meme of all time. Easy answer.

The Bengals giving massive contracts to defensive tackles is a smart strategy because it's impossible to tell if a defensive tackle is a bust

The Cincinnati Bengals just gave huge contracts to both their defensive tackles... but it's actually a very smart strategy because everyone always says the Bengals are the cheapest team in football... by making these big contracts to positions that you can never really tell if a defensive tackle is a bust... they're kind of hiding their money there.

October is the best month of the year

October... it is the best month of the year. You have the fall, you have football being awesome, you have playoff baseball, you have NBA and NHL, it is the only month where all four sports are playing.

Thanksgiving is the best holiday

November because football and Thanksgiving... rivalry week is in November, and Thanksgiving is the best holiday.

There is no finish line in show business where you can stop grinding; you have to work every day

There's no finish line in show business. There's no place you ever get to where you're like, 'I don't have to do shit. They're going to bring it to me now.' Unless you are one of 10 A-listers. The rest of us got to work and the rest of us got to grind.

Locking a tennis player in a ball closet for hours is great coaching

[David Ferrer's coach] locked him in a completely dark two meter by two meter ball closet for several hours, giving him only a piece of bread and a bit of water... That's great coaching. That's a football guy in a tennis guy's body.

A man is delusional if he thinks he can wipe after pooping with only two squares of toilet paper

[A guy] is delusional if he thinks that two squares [of toilet paper] gets the job [done]. He's walking around with a dirty butt, or he's just a psycho.

The Atlantic Ocean is superior to the Pacific Ocean because it's more versatile

My first is going to be the Atlantic Ocean. It's a very versatile ocean. You can go down to Florida. It's always nice. It's clear. It's blue. It's nice and warm like bathtub water. Or you can go all the way up north to, let's just say, the Cape Cod region.

Rain after a humid day is a top-tier form of water

I'm going to go with the rain to break a super, super humid day. That quick rain. Then the water comes down, and then it's nice. It doesn't stay wet for very long. When it's super, super hot out, and then it rains, and then it feels like 20 degrees cooler, and it's awesome.

The 'Pacific Ocean' is superior to the 'Atlantic Ocean' because it is twice the size

My number two, Pacific Ocean. Pacific Ocean, twice the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Has, like, Hawaii, all that cool shit. You could be a cool Cali teen in the Pacific Ocean.

Drinking from a garden hose on a hot day makes you feel like more of a man

I'll go with a hose water on a hot summer day. That's a great water. Whatever you're doing, you get that hose water, you feel like a man, too, drinking. Like, hey, guess what? I'll go straight to the source. I don't need a cup. It looks badass, too.

Urban Meyer's claim of 'memory issues' is just a cover for knowing about the Zach Smith situation

Urban Meyer didn't go to OSU to play reporting requirements. He has had significant memory issues when it comes to subjects that he was very familiar – he forgets stuff that will get him in trouble. It's a curse.

Urban Meyer knew much more about the Zach Smith situation than the investigation report found

Saying Urban Meyer probably knew a lot more than this report has found... He probably remembers everything. And guess what? He's still coaching Ohio State, so he'll probably win a shitload of games. If your coach is good enough, they'll do the reverse engineering where instead of being like, let's find the facts, we'll be like, let's find the facts to make sure he stays as coach.

The Artie Lange incident is the reason we have the relationship with Joe Buck that we have today

If it wasn't for that Artie Lange show, I don't think that we would have the conversations that we have with Joe Buck.

Brett Favre and Chad Ochocinco were the real reasons 'Joe Buck Live' was a disaster because they were such bores

Now look, the real culprits to me are fucking Chad Ochocinco and Brett Favre. They were the first 45 minutes of an hour show... and they were bores. They're typical like Dennis Rodman type stuff where they think just because they have orange hair... they could sit there and they're young Albert Brooks on a talk show. They're just boring people.

In hindsight, 'Joe Buck Live' was not a good match for the highbrow DNA of HBO Sports

I think now looking back – it was probably not a good match. I think they hold HBO Sports up... as kind of this cherished thing... journalistically sound... and I just never wanted to kind of do that. I also wanted to have fun. I'm the last guy to take myself seriously.

Artie Lange is a sweet guy, but he is also deeply flawed and sad

Artie's a sweet guy. He's a sweet, really flawed, kind of sad guy. And I say that in the best sense because I just root for the guy because he really is genuinely nice.

HBO was hypocritical for policing Artie Lange's content while airing shows like 'Real Sex'

You can't be on HBO and go, well, this is just way too much when you've got like Pornucopia that's on after that. Real Sex, which is, you know, that's about as far as you're going to go on normal cable. Taxi Cab Confessions. We could go on.

I was doomed to lose any verbal battle against Artie Lange, so I chose to just sit there and take it

If I want to jump down in there with him... First of all, I'm going to lose the battle because it's Artie Lange. I mean, if I start sparring with him verbally, I'm dead. ... I opted to for the most part sit there and take it.

The Artie Lange incident on 'Joe Buck Live' was great television

I remember having this thought early on as it was kind of happening thinking, oh wow, you know this is, makes for a great television.

Athletes are inherently difficult to get good interviews out of

Athletes are tough to get a good interview out of. So I don't think it was my fault, but I think Joe got fucked too.

The quarterly schedule of 'Joe Buck Live' made it impossible to get comfortable or find a rhythm for the show

Frustrating... is that I only got three cracks at it, and they were three months apart. ... You do one, and then three months later you do another. It's really hard to kind of get your comfort, and you can't really be yourself.

I didn't think a lot of the material Artie Lange used on 'Joe Buck Live' was actually that funny

I didn't think a lot of the stuff he said was really that funny, but I could be wrong. ... The jizz you shot on it [quote from Artie]. Did that really happen? I swear to God, on my children, I don't remember that.

Joe Buck wasn't yet comfortable enough in his own skin in 2009 to handle the Artie Lange situation effectively

I think the premise or the reason that you were attracted to do that show was because you wanted to show people a different side of you, that you weren't that stuffy guy, that you had humor. But I don't think it was all the way there yet.

I would handle the Artie Lange incident much better and more authentically today

If you saw Joe Buck 2018 in that same spot, I think I would have rolled with the punches maybe a little bit better on air. I think I would have been different. I think I would have been better with it, and I would have been more equipped... having gone through this vocal thing that I went through, kind of not really caring anymore what people think... I would have handled the moment probably better.

Joe Buck is a much better broadcaster now because he became more open after his vocal cord issues

I think he's looser and funnier. ... when you start to just say, Oh God, I'm just going to tell you what's been going on... there's a, you feel freer. And when you're freer, you're kind of, you're just, you're a bit more approachable.

Nicki Minaj is rattled and taking a backseat to Cardi B

She's just very rattled. And it's clear that Cardi B's album did better than hers. Cardi B was better at the VMAs. It's just clear that Nicki Minaj is taking a backseat, and she's not happy.

The tires on Post Malone's plane looked fine despite the emergency landing reporting

Are we staying woke on that, guys? ... a lot of people were saying, like, those tires look fine to me when the plane landed. ... those tires – They didn't look bad to me. That's all I'm going to say.

Joe Flacco still has the best-looking spiral in the NFL

I think [Joe Flacco] still has number one most fuckable spiral in the NFL. ... Brady Quinn in college, Joe Flacco in the NFL. ... I threw a spiral on Monday Night Football, and it was like, yup, Joe Flacco.

An African buffalo is a top-tier animal choice for a fight and can beat multiple lions

I'll go with the African buffalo... they're diesel. They're like basically like rhino buffaloes. They kill lions. They just fuck everything up in Africa by themselves. ... The African buffalo fucks up like multiple lions.

I am a better athlete now at 34 than I was at 22

I think just to the naked eye, it's not visible that I'm a better athlete, but I am a better athlete, even at my age than I was at 22. ... at 34, like, I feel like I move as well or better than I did at 27. I just can't leap like I used to.

College referees are not good and officiating in college ruins the game

College refs ... are god-awful. They're not good in any sort of definition of the word. They're just bad referees. ... they sit a guy down and you get two fouls in five minutes and you basically don't play until the second half. And it ruins the whole game.

Kevin Durant joining the Warriors was a great decision for player autonomy

I like seeing a player ultimately do what he wants to do, what's going to make him happy, even if he pisses a bunch of people off. ... to just take a pay cut to take a pay cut makes zero sense. And no one in any other industry does that.

Coach K's greatest strength is his adaptability rather than a fixed system

I think [Coach K's] greatest strength ... is his adaptability. Coach K doesn't have a system. He's never had a system. ... he coaches every team differently. He coaches every player differently.

It is way too soon for Baker Mayfield to be doing underwear commercials

I think this is way too soon for Baker Mayfield. ... I actually think he's going to be a good quarterback, but it's still the Browns. You still have to win a couple games. Otherwise, this all is going to look ridiculous.

Roadhouse is the most badass movie of all time and is the opposite of a nerd movie

It's literally like the most badass movie of all time. It is the opposite of a nerd movie. Hey, Hank, I fuck guys like you. I fuck guys like you in jail. That's a Roadhouse quote. Think about that. Put that in your head.