Takes

Never partner with someone in business who cheats on their family

Somebody said to me, man, don't be partners with somebody who would cheat like that because he'll screw you in a heartbeat. ... If you're cheating someone else, then I'm convinced you're going to cheat me too.

An excuse is nothing more than a rationalization of a mistake

I realized everybody's got a [fucking] excuse for their shortcomings. ... An excuse is a rationalization of a mistake. ... Every time we come up with an excuse, it makes us feel good about something we should feel bad about.

People with the biggest egos have the thinnest wallets

You ever notice that people with the biggest ego have the thinnest fucking wallet? Because he doesn't listen to anybody. His ego gets in a way that's typically not very successful.

Zing Zang is the superior Bloody Mary mix compared to handmade versions

I've discovered that the best mix by far for Bloody Mary is Zing Zang mix. There are a lot of places that tout their Bloody Marys as being handmade, and I always say, no, I'm not going to deal with that. I want Zing Zang.

A 'hangover bar' is a bad business idea because it makes the establishment look irresponsible

The problem with [a hangover bar] is that when bars start to support hangovers, we're perceived as irresponsible. ... We're giving you more of a motivation to have one.

Millennials drink craft beer that sucks just because they think it's cool

Millennials are very relevancy-driven. Millennials will drink a craft beer that sucks because it's cool. ... Millennials don't react to logical things. They react to what is cool.

Deion Sanders only considers players great if they call him for advice

If you're a young player in the league and you call him for advice once a week, then you're a good player. If he mentors you, then you're one of the best players in the league. ... If you play in a boring place like Tennessee, then he just doesn't know who you are.

Skyline Chili is terrible and only worth eating for the laughs

If I never stepped foot into Skyline Chili again, that would be fantastic. But then whenever we're in the Ohio area, PFT's like, it would be funny if we went to a Skyline. ... [We] sit there silently trying one bite and being like, nope, still terrible.

I would kill the horse Nyquist to recruit LeBron James to my basketball team

I'm totally serious about killing Nyquist. That's not a threat. That's an actual thing. We're threatening LeBron that he might get more horse heads in his bed if he doesn't sign with the breakers.

MLB Opening Day should be a national holiday

I'm extremely excited about opening day because for the first time, you're going to have all 30 teams playing on the same day, March 29th. It should be a national holiday. Everybody should be up for work. Even you guys should be just watching baseball that day.

Aaron Rodgers is not overrated for only having one Super Bowl ring

I don't think people should throw trash about him because, first of all, he's one of the greatest quarterback. He's going to finish there his career. One of the greatest I ever played a game. And bro, at the end of the day, winning a Super Bowl is not an easy thing to do. The longest you win one, you're good.

Clayton Kershaw runs out of gas in the playoffs because he pitches too much in the regular season

I think Kershaw, he need to start looking at the regular season, he needs to reflect the playoff on the regular season. He seems like he goes too far during the regular season. And once the playoff kicks in, he seems like he is a little bit out of gas. If you are up by five runs in the sixth, why you got to continue going out there?

Charge calls are the worst part about basketball and should be banned

I don't understand what's a charge and what's a block anymore, so you've got to just get rid of one of them, and you're not going to get rid of the block call. [Charges] are the worst part about basketball in general.

I can't shoot free throws if I can see myself on the jumbotron behind the basket

If I can ever see myself shooting a free throw on a camera or something in the background, I'll miss every time. I've played in games where you can see yourself on the video board behind the basket shooting. That fucks you up.

Deandre Ayton and Allonzo Trier checked out of the Arizona program early for the NBA

I thought in Arizona it was disinterest. I thought they thought, okay, we'll play this game, but then it got to be too much hard work... I think Trier and the big kid [Deandre] Ayton had said they're going to the NBA. I think they just checked out.

Miles Bridges doesn't have a versatile game and is just a jump shooter

Everybody tells me how good Miles Bridges is, right? He's great. And I've said he doesn't really have a game. He's a jump shooter. He's a really nice kid... but how – if you're supposed to be an NBA lottery pick... you've got to be able to go in the middle of a zone.

Chris Farley is not funny; he's just a 'fat guy jiggling'

Chris Farley still isn't funny. People have sent me these memes on Chris Farley. I'm like, yeah, it's a fat guy jiggling. Every meme I see, he's just jiggling.

The anxiety of betting on March Madness is crippling.

I hate March Madness... because the anxiety of betting is crippling. I love it because it's an excuse to sit and watch basketball for 24 hours in four days span.

The 2018 NCAA Tournament has the worst hair in tournament history.

I'd like to just say this might be the worst hair that I've ever seen in the NCAA tournament all around. It used to be bad tattoos. Now it's bad hair.

The Under is usually the best bet in the first two days of the NCAA Tournament.

Under is usually the first couple of days. I want you to look at. So I'd be careful [of the Over].

John Skipper's story about leaving ESPN due to cocaine extortion is missing key details.

I don't believe this is the full story. So my PR 101 would be maybe tell the whole story because now people are going to be like, huh, that seems a little odd. You were infrequent and you were careful. And then all of a sudden some random drug dealer was like [going to extort you].

Jon Gruden is a fun coach and person if you have the right mindset.

If you have a problem with John Gruden, that's about your mindset. You have a post-1999 mindset, and you need a flashback. [To me] he is a fun guy.

Kirk Cousins is just a more reliable version of Case Keenum

The Vikings have decided that they wanted to upgrade from Case Keenum to maybe a more reliable Case Keenum. Kirk Cousins is not that much different... lightning in a bottle Case Keenum, I think is the same as Kirk Cousins.

Pooping with the door open is an alpha move

I love pooping with the door open. That's a real man thing. Because you have a master of your domain kind of thing. I'm watching over everything while I take a shit.

Notre Dame was robbed of a tournament spot because they have the potential to make a run

Notre Dame should have been in. I know the selection committee says, well, road wins matter, and conference, how are you doing your conference, and the Q1 wins. The other pieces to it should be, can this team make a run? And Notre Dame was one of those teams.

The NCAA selection committee snubbed Louisville and USC to avoid talking about the FBI investigation

Stay woke. Louisville and USC, both two teams under the FBI watch. They got out. So, interesting. I actually think there is an element where the selection committee said, well, let's maybe keep these two teams out because we don't want everyone talking about the FBI during March Madness.

Bet the favorite in the second half if they are losing at halftime

If a favorite is losing in the first half, you just bet the favorite in the second half. That's it. I invented that last year.

My NFL career would have been much different with a coach other than Jeff Fisher

Definitely, definitely [it would have gone differently with a different coach]. I don't put nothing on Coach Fish. He had a little bit of something to do with it. But, I mean, I always put myself and blame myself.

I would have been successful in the modern NFL because of my game planning strategy

I think I have success, period. Just that's more confidence in myself and my teammates. ... I have some tactics, some strategies. ... First half maintain, and then the second half, go the fuck off. That's what I mean. ... I kind of played dumb the first half. Like I didn't see that blitz or I didn't see that throw. And then when Coach called it again and when it started to happen, when it matters [I'd go off].

Brock Osweiler has the ideal size and delivery for an NFL quarterback

I think [Brock Osweiler]'s the size that you want. If you're tall like that, you have long arms. And his delivery, if he can master it, it's like nobody will have an arm like that. I like tall quarterbacks from Brock Osweiler, Ryan Mallett... [and] Josh Allen.

Russell Wilson is the hardest quarterback to play against

Probably Russell Wilson... Just because he just breaks up the plays and you never get a hand on him? Yeah, he don't get tired, man. He run left, right, left, right... with Russell Wilson, he's trying to take the distance every single time.

I will be the 'Von Miller' of anything I choose to do

I think I would have been the Von Miller I am now in anything that I would have did. So if I would have been, you know, on this show with you guys, I feel like I would have been the Von Miller of talk shows.

Watching porn is like spending time in the film room for baseball players

If I'm a baseball team, I would probably think about going the other way... When you're having sex... what do they tell you to think about? Think about baseball. So actually, the more porn you watch, it's like putting in more time in the film room thinking about baseball.

Peyton Manning definitely used insider knowledge to sell his Papa John's franchises

Peyton Manning sold 31, all 31 of his Papa John franchises in the Denver area. Two days before Papa John was no longer the official pizza of the NFL... You are a savvy investor, my friend. Very smart. You read the tea leaves.

College basketball and the Little League World Series have the most in-game crying in sports

I don't know what it is, but it's college basketball has the most. It's probably it's Little League World Series and then college basketball for most tears in game.

Teams with celebratory benches are the most likely to cry after a loss

I like the teams that are the ones that get celebrated early in the year as having the best bench... Those teams are full of criers. If you show that much emotion after a late first half three-pointer, then you're going to turn the waterworks on when you lose in your conference semifinals.

The Thursday noon game in the NCAA tournament is a fan's death sentence

The Thursday noon game, if your team gets that, it's a death sentence. You get really drunk on Friday, and then you can watch your team on Sunday hungover.

Ed Hochuli's retirement is a major blow to the NFL's masculinity

My hot seat is NFL's masculinity. Ed Hochuli retired. He's gone. There's going to be no more giant arms coming at you every Sunday, so I don't know what NFL's going to do. They need someone to fill the void of just a jacked, jacked ref.

No one will run on Jon Lester because they're afraid of being picked off by a bounce throw

So John Lester's on the cool throne. He is going to unveil a new bounce throw to first base. ... You can't be the guy who gets picked off from a bounce throw. So now you got to be thinking about that in the back of your head. Don't run on Jon Lester because the embarrassment will be suffocating.

NFL replays are too long and break the game's momentum

I think the replays are too long. It's too hair-splitting. It breaks up the momentum and the pace of a game. And I think eventually people are like... Just move on.

U.S. Bank Stadium in Minneapolis is the best new stadium ever

That stadium [U.S. Bank Stadium] is hands down the best new stadium ever. And for the sight lines from a broadcaster's perspective, that thing was like in my lap.

Oracle Park in San Francisco is leaps and bounds better than any other new ballpark

I think San Francisco, of all the new ballparks, is... Leaps and bounds. But the worse your seat is, the better your view. You're looking out into the bay.

Canelo Alvarez eating steroid-tainted meat is a genius PR move to cover up doping

Canelo Alvarez, who tested positive for steroids. And he said it was actually because he was eating too many Mexican cows. ... I actually think this played. ... That's actually a smart thing to do is you just go in the off season, eat Mexican cows, and then when you get busted, be like, well, sorry. All I did was eat Mexican cows.

Bullpen carts are the only thing baseball is currently doing right

The bullpen cart is back, which is incredible. Like baseball finally doing something right. I don't care about pace of play. I really don't. ... It speeds up the game when it really probably takes four seconds off, maybe.

Morning sex is the best kind of sex, especially in a hotel

I'm going to go on the record. Morning sex is the best sex there is. Hotel sex. In the morning. Ooh. Double threat.

Men and women should never stop grooming their pubic hair

What is the age where it is normal that you stop shaving or waxing your pubes? ... Never is the answer. ... I think you always ... Guys and girls. You got to keep it together down there. I mean, would you let your lawn just go unkempt?

October is the best sports month, but March is a close second

I think October is probably my favorite month in terms of sports because you have football and baseball playoffs. But March is pretty close because there is nothing like wall-to-wall college basketball and championship week.

Championship week is better than the NCAA Tournament

Hot take championship week might be better than the tournament. Because you actually know the teams, unlike in the March Madness, when you're like, I don't know how these teams are going to match up.

You should schedule a vasectomy for the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament so you have an excuse to watch basketball for two days

All the guys know if you need to get your balls cut off, you got to do it that first weekend so you have permission to sit on the couch and watch college basketball for two days nonstop. Yes, you got the frozen peas on your balls.

Kobe Bryant is the GOAT over LeBron and Jordan because he won an Oscar

Kobe Bryant, our supporter, just won an Oscar. MJ and LeBron trash. He's our GOAT. And this proves it. How many Oscars has LeBron and MJ won? That's right. Zero.