Takes

Bratwurst has the worst physical aftermath of any competitive eating food

There's a couple that like, I know going in, they're gonna be rough. Like anything with bratwurst, bratwurst, man, there's, they add extra fat in there and it, it's, it's running through you. It, it, it, it's, you're not in control. It's there. There's, there's accidents bound to happen there.

CJ Abrams is the best Saber Metric pick in the Dingers Only draft because he leads off

Ideally you want your players to get as many opportunities to hit home runs as possible. Why not take a guy that hits lead off shortstop. CJ Abrams. He's gonna get like four more at bats than some of your guys' clowns.

You should always go reckless in Dungeons and Dragons

When people that I run games for among the Awls, I ask them if they're going reckless. They always say, of course, like Norm. Yeah, I gotta go reckless. You gotta go reckless because they look up to Norm. I think 100% it, you gotta always go reckless. 100%.

I look hot in my Britney Spears Dungeons and Dragons costume

I'm Brittany Spears. Zac said he didn't realize Brittany Spear gonna be a women's costume until after he bought it. So I got bell bottoms and a wig. I actually, I think I look hot.

There is nothing hotter than asking for consent twice

As long as there's consent, right? ... After I have consent I definitely ask for consent. 'cause there's nothing hotter.

In a Dungeons and Dragons party, you should prioritize healing the tank over less important team members

If you're fighting a war and you've got a tank and your tank is missing a tread and then there's like one guy over in the corner that hasn't done shit, hasn't killed anybody, and he's like, got the flu, are you gonna spend your time fixing the guy that's got the flu or the tank that's missing a tread?

Winning a Dungeons and Dragons game with artificial heals from a teammate is an asterisk win

I actually don't want to beat the dragon if we're getting artificially healed from you. Right? It's like that's asterisk peds.

A Dungeons and Dragons victory won with artificial heals is not a 'bubble game'

It can't be a bubble game. ... We gotta kill this dragon. So we'll go Norm.

Zac is the most selfish Dungeons and Dragons player for healing himself over the team

The most selfish player award goes to Zac. Absolutely... Crazy because if you had healed to any of us, we probably would've beaten the dragon... All fucked up.

The Pelicans' trade from pick 23 to 13 was the worst trade ever

Pelicans. Oh boy. Yep. That was the worst trade ever. They traded from 23 up to 13 and they gave away their unprotected first round pick next year. Actually worse than that. They have the Bucks pick as well. Whichever one is better, is higher. And if the Bucks trade Giannis, that could literally just be two shots at getting the one pick... I don't know what Joe Dumars was thinking. It's a fleecing.

The Wizards must change their name back to the Bullets to fix their culture

They need to change their name so bad. They gotta go back to the bullets. I think you go back to the bullets day one, culture change, different mentality. Your shooters again.

The Bulls drafting Noah Essengue is a smart move to use as 'Wemby bait' in a few years

The Bulls picked Noah Essengue from France. That's our, that's just our, our Wemby bait for a couple years from now. Very smart move... If he's good, he is good. If he's bad, he's bad.

If Tiger Woods were named Panther Irons, he would have been outed as a sex deviant much earlier and his career would be totally different

Do you think Tiger Woods' career would be the same if he was named Panther Irons? If Panther Irons gets outed as a sex deviant very early in his career, is there a chance Panther Irons just is like, now that everyone knows, I'm just gonna lean into just being a guy who sucks and fucks all the time... then his back doesn't get hurt.

Kylian Mbappé suing for 'lofting' is a loser move that confirms he is a bad hang

I Mbappé is suing PSG still for $60 million in unpaid wages. And he also claims that PSG lofted him... It involves isolating or leaving a player out from the main squad... it sounds like he's a bad hang. He might be suing PSG for being a loser... his lawsuit should be thrown out immediately because if you sue for lofting, you're actually immediately saying, 'this is why I got lofted.'

Jack Doherty is a '1-1' pick for people who need to be punched in the face

Jack Doherty's our pick. That guy needs to get punched so fucking bad. I several times I consume his work, I just see him on Twitter and I hate him. He goes around with his bodyguards fucking with people... as far as internet people go, he's 1-1.

Joe Burrow's terrible first pitch was a staged viral marketing stunt by Fanatics

I think that whole fucking fanatics thing was just like, they basically listed like, alright, what's gonna go viral? Let's make a fake viral thing here... And they were like, Joe Burrow, we're gonna pay you like $2 million suck at throwing baseballs. That's the only way I can stomach it.

Dak Prescott would be just as successful as Jalen Hurts if he played for the Eagles

I'm more thinking the defense was nasty... I think it's kind of hard to definitively say that Dak Prescott couldn't do what Jalen Hurts [does] if he had that much.

Eating raw meat can lead to a psychotic break, as evidenced by the Liver King's recent behavior

Did you guys see that [the Liver King] was arrested for terroristic threats? Telling Joe Rogan that we're gonna drive to the house, maybe two to the chest, one to the head... I would just like to say don't eat raw meat because of that's what can happen. You can have a psychotic break.

Chet Holmgren is a two-can drunk

How many beers do you think it takes Chet [Holmgren] to get drunk? I think it's like, I think he's a two can. I think two beers and a cigarette. Yeah. And he was puking.

NBA players should only drink alcohol when they win a championship

What I'm saying for [Jalen Williams] is he should not say he's never gonna drink again. Because you should drink just only when you win an NBA championship. I'll see you next year beer.

At the core of every joke, there is a serious truth

I choose to [believe he was joking], but at the core of every joke, therein lies a serious truth. Alex Caruso is now an NBA champion.

Joe Burrow's bad baseball throw was a paid viral moment

My spin zone is that Michael Rubin just paid off every single person that had anything to do with Fanatics Fest and... Joe Burrow, you're gonna throw a baseball poorly. I actually think that he probably bought viral moments. I actually think that he probably bought viral moments... It's titled Joe Burrow throws a baseball poorly and here's the offer sheet.

The NBA's 'Second Apron' rules were created to force teams to draft replacements for expensive players

Somebody explaining to me, it's gonna be a bit more like continuing to flip the picks forward so that you always have that flexibility and then drafting potentially like a replacement for somebody who goes north of 20 million who's your fourth or fifth option.

Bradley Beal has the least competitive pride relative to talent in the NBA

I mean 'cause [Bradley Beal] is just so checked out. He's totally, I think the scary thing about him is that, you know, I think anybody you think like if you're this good then there has to be some competitive pride in you. And he may have the least, there may be the biggest gap between just talent and how much he doesn't care. Yeah. Of any [player].

Whoever won the Thunder-Nuggets series was going to be the NBA champion no matter what

I think whoever won that Thunder-Nuggets series, that was going to be the champion no matter what. That was going to be the champion no matter what.

Sam Presti is one of the best GMs in any sport

This guy [Sam Presti] is one of the best GMs in any sport. And it's cool that he finally like 18 years, I think it's, he's been there and he just won with the second youngest team his way and a pocket full of picks going forward.

The Pacers' season-ending loss in the 2025 Finals is one of the greatest gut punches in sports history

For the Pacers, I think that's gotta be one of the all time gut punch like end of seasons. Considering the fact it was a magical ride. They've never won a title as a franchise. Tyrese Haliburton gets hurt there and he's gonna be out for a year. It sucks.

The NBA season is too long and the speed of the game is causing the recent spike in Achilles injuries

There's gonna be a big conversation about the length of the NBA season and are these guys too big, strong, fast? Because we had how many? We had Dame, Tatum, Haliburton all wear the number zero, all tore their Achilles in these playoffs. Season maybe goes too long.

Kevin Durant is perpetually unhappy and his quest to find happiness only makes him more miserable

I think this means that Kevin Durant is perpetually unhappy and is made more unhappy in his quest to find happiness.

It is worse for Kevin Durant's legacy if he actually wins a championship with the Rockets

I think it's worse for his legacy if he wins [with the Rockets].

Tommy Fleetwood choked at the Travelers Championship

Tommy Fleetwood, I don't really feel bad for [him]. He choked bad. He did choke. Like that's a choke that I... I was yelling USA at my TV.

The Panthers mocking the Oilers is weird because they've already beaten them twice

Do you guys think it's a little weird that the Panthers are like mocking the Oilers to such a crazy extent? I'm just asking if it's weird? They beat 'em twice. It does feel like they're going a little extra hard. ... Why are they so obsessed with the Oilers?

The 2025 Dodgers are the #1 champions of the calendar year across all sports

I'm gonna go Dodgers number one. Dodgers, Panthers, Florida basketball, Ohio State Football, Thunder, LSU Baseball, Eagles, Rory McIlroy. That feels good.

E11EVEN in Miami is the #1 place in the world to celebrate a sports championship

Crowd surfing with the Stanley Cup at 11. If you've been to 11, it is quite something. That might be the number one place to celebrate a championship. It's, I don't even understand how 11 exists. It's a club that's also a strip club, but not a strip club.

World War III is overrated and the term is being overused

My Who's Back of the Week is World War III. We're doing it again, boys. I think this is the fifth World War III that's happened in the last four years. ... I'm so sick of everyone saying World War III just started.

Jonathan Toews signing with the Winnipeg Jets is the perfect way for him to end his career

Jonathan Toews. He's back, he signed with the Winnipeg Jets, his hometown team. ... I'm happy he's able to now play again. Hopefully end his career the right way. 'cause it really sucked the way it ended in Chicago.

Playing in Houston, Boston, and New York takes a greater physical and mental toll on players than other cities

Games in Houston, Boston, New York, playing in the places like that, where you feel like the team's, the pressure's constantly on and the fans are on top of you and it's hot. Those take a little more outta you.

Offices are significantly happier workplaces when they have a soft-serve ice cream machine

Everyone's happier at work. Nobody wants a fruit bar around. They want the ice cream machine. I think they put the ice cream machine back in. Just good vibes having an ice cream machine around. Everyone's happier at work.

Robot Umpires should stay out of baseball to preserve the human element of arguing and ejections

Out on Robot Umps. I mean, don't you wanna keep a little bit of the baseball in it? You wanna see managers and guys getting ejected, like that's part of the game. ... If you take that away, it's like there's not, you know, you need a little bit of excitement in the game.

Removing referees and umpires from sports would eliminate 50% of the conversations fans have with each other

If you took away all refs and umps from all sports, you're basically eliminating like 50% of conversations guys can have with each other. Like if your team loses, you have to be able to blame a human being.

High school baseball is plagued by coaches who bat their own kids in the top five of the order

Especially nowadays there's like five coaches on the team and they're all, their kids are hitting first five in the order. It's like, come on now. All playing infield.

Chet Holmgren is not the guy

[Chet Holmgren] is not the guy... not a guy.

It is a red flag that prominent NBA owners are cashing out right now

Isn't it interesting that the Lakers got a screaming good deal on what's going to be the face of their franchise for the next 10, 15 years right before they sold? ... Mark Cuban sold the Dallas Mavericks, the Celtics got sold... Is that a good sign for every other owner if all the preeminent owners are selling their teams right now? ... Are we hitting the bubble?

Oilers fans will not blame Connor McDavid if he leaves Edmonton

Conor McDavid is such a special talent. I'm wondering if there's maybe parts of the Oiler fan base... If he did leave, I bet you there'd be some Oilers fans who'd be like, we don't blame you. You've done everything you can for the Oilers and they just aren't able to put the full team around him.

If an NBA team wants to win a championship, they must sign me

If you want to win, you must sign Boban in the team. ... Winner. We even wait, we, we even go there. But we don't believe in that story too. It was like we just, we just, we just, we just throw the story there. And believe they'll bite.

A team of former Yugoslavia countries could beat the United States in basketball

I believe in that. We'll be really good. We'll be amazing. I know we can beat United States... I think we have big chance. It's not be like easy for [United] States to beat the team.

The best indicators for a recruit's success are the uncles on the mother's side

If you can meet mom and then if you meet one of her brothers. The uncles from mom's sides are usually the greatest indicators of what you're gonna get... DNA means a lot.

Teams that throw it all over the place cannot win consistently

I think the balance of running... the teams that throw it all over the place, just you can't win consistently. You can get a hot hand, you got a great quarterback, maybe some receivers, but you can't win consistently.

Sugar cones with soft serve ice cream is crazy

I think sugar cones with soft serve is crazy. I think it's crazy. Soft serve ice cream will drip. ... Sugar cone's guaranteed dripping. ... Sugar cone is a classic ice cream cone [for scoops], not a soft serve cone.

Pistachios are a grand slam nut

I would put pistachio on my Mount Rushmore of nuts. ... Peanut is a double off the wall. I enjoy peanuts. But you talk about a grand slam, now we're talking pistachios. ... It might be my favorite nut.