Takes

Left-handedness is proof that the human body is not meant to be left-handed

I think that just playing golf left-handed, that just goes to show you that the human body is not meant to be left-handed. They don't make left-handed can openers for a reason, folks.

I'm rooting for Tim Tebow because he makes sports more interesting

I root for Tim Tebow because he makes sports more interesting, but holy shit, will that be a circus [if he plays in the majors].

Tiger Woods getting a 'bad boy' warning from Trump is good for his street cred

Tiger Woods' bad boy status, when other men are saying, watch out for him, it's like Costanza putting on the Yankees jacket. It's like, you got to watch out... getting this back into circulation is good for his street cred. It's great.

Bob Huggins had a legitimate gripe regarding the free throw disparity against Kansas

with that last night, there's no question that he [Bob Huggins] had a legitimate concern because both teams are extremely aggressive... that amount of free throw difference, that was the most, that was the biggest margin of free throws Kansas has ever had in a Big 12 game. I mean, that's amazing stuff. So he had a legitimate gripe.

The FBI is leaking information to scare college basketball coaches into flipping

I think it's one of the agents that's actually working on the investigation who is trying to scare coaches into flipping... leaking this out and saying, 'hey, we're coming for you, we have the goods.'

LeBron James is a better all-around player than Michael Jordan, but I trust Jordan more at the end of a game

I will say LeBron is better all around, but I trust Michael at the end of the game.

I am officially an anti-Joey Logano podcast

Fuck Joey Logano. We're an anti-Joey Logano podcast, officially. We got a lot of things that we, a lot of hats we wear, but Joey Logano is not one of them.

Bill Walton's 'WatchESPN' comment was a result of him doing acid in a forest

When Bill Walton says, 'Watch ESPN, I can watch you,' it's because he did acid in the forest and pulled up his Watch ESPN to watch UCLA versus USC, and was like, 'The game's watching me.'

I would rather win one Super Bowl and have fun than win five in a fear-based organization

I think a lot of guys just want to be happy playing football... It's like the Patriots, obviously, they won five Super Bowls. Is that necessarily guideline minds to win the Super Bowl?... I don't want to be serious. I want to be a not serious individual and get the job done.

Ex-Patriot players won't speak the truth about how much they hated playing for Belichick

What do you think they're going to say? I can hate it there. No, I won Super Bowls. We had a great time. They're not going to badmouth their coach. They're not going to say what they really want to say. Do you think that's going to happen? Hell no.

Never slide in beer league softball unless it's the playoffs

Here's a hard and fast rule I had with softball... You never, ever slide if it's not the playoffs. Ever. Regular season does not matter. Just do not slide. If you get caught and you get tagged out, that's fine. It's better than sliding.

Winning a championship can fundamentally change a fan's entire outlook on life for months

The high of a championship... if your team wins a championship, it honestly can change your whole outlook. You buzz for weeks, months, going into next year. You just feel better, you feel happier.

Establishing the run game is the foundation of all football success

Mine [Mount Rushmore] is establishing the run game. Love when a team establishes the run game. Just run, run, run, run, run. Because then you get that play-action pass and the cameraman misses. It opens things up. ... Everything starts with establishing the run. That's just a fact.

The first game of the World Cup is the only one everyone genuinely gets up for

That's the one soccer game that everybody gets up for is the first one. And then after that, the novelty kind of dies off. I would say that the championship game is a little bit more fatigue. So, like, everyone's had a month of soccer already. If they're not one of your two teams in the finals, you're like, eh, I can take it or leave it.

Snow looks more professional when viewed at night under stadium lights

Snow just looks better at night. That's a fact. When you've got the lights popping off of it, it's all shiny, it's nice. It looks professional. During the day, it's like, oh, these are just people out for a good time on a mountain.

Saying 'anyone could coach that team' because they have talent is the dumbest argument in sports

That's the dumbest argument in all of sports. The NBA coaches, like, they did it with Spoelstra. They still do it with Phil Jackson... Well, Phil Jackson had MJ. Well, Phil Jackson had Kobe and Shaq. Well, yeah, and if you try to, like, get everyone to get along... these guys don't get along. They don't play well together just because you have the best player.

NBA tampering rules are stupid and assume players are too dumb to understand cap space

Tampering, it is stupid that the NBA even has tampering. Everybody tampers in the league. Tampering in general assumes that NBA players are too stupid to understand cap space or that like, oh, if Magic Johnson doesn't tell you, then there's no way that Paul George would possibly know there's clearing cap room for him.

LeBron James will never allow a teammate on the roster who knows more about wine than he does

LeBron takes his wine knowledge very seriously. There's no chance he will ever have somebody on his team that knows more about wine than he does. That's his thing.

If you are trying to return to the NFL, don't engage in sexting in your Instagram comments

And, man, if you're trying to get back in the league, you can't be hooking up with your fiancé or whatever you are with her in your Instagram comments.

Sammy Sosa's weird behavior is a smart strategy to distract people from his steroid use

Sammy Sosa has been playing dress-up and doing weird things for a while now, which might be just him getting everyone off the whole steroids thing, which is a smart strategy. We've never thought of this as a PR 101, just start changing everything about you, and eventually everyone's like, who's that guy?

Caffeine is a performance-enhancing drug for baseball writers

I'd also like to see how many of those baseball writers were on Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke at the time, which is caffeine. Oh, and guess what? It's a performance-enhancing drug for a writer.

Cam Newton is a pile of trash

I watched Super Bowl 50. It was being replayed. [Cam Newton] stinks. That's my hot take.

February is the trashiest month of the year

February really is just the trashiest month, because there's just nothing. There's nothing like March Madness at least you get your pep back but like February... you just kind of walk around aimlessly.

I am pretending it is summer and tanning on Tuesdays for my mental health because winter is terrible

I am so fucking sick of winter... I've just decided I'm going to pretend that it's summertime. I'm going to get back into wearing Hawaiian shirts. I'm going to go tanning on Tuesdays. I'm going to just be so far in denial of winter... this is a personal decision for my own mental health.

Kim Jong-un's sister is a 'smoke'

So all the war crimes, all the shit that he does that's terrible... not a big deal because his sister's hot. Everyone was flipping out because Kim Jong-un has a hot sister... his sister's kind of a smoke. His sister's stealing the show. His sister's the Pippa Middleton of the Olympics.

The NCAA is the biggest racket in the world

I think the NCAA is the biggest racket, like, in the entire world, right? There's nothing as, like, as viewed, as watched as, like, college sports are... for me to be a nice guy and go out and sign a lot of autographs and they get turned around and sold, what did I really do wrong?

The XFL will fail if it tries to be a direct competitor to the NFL

I feel like they're trying to make it direct competition with the NFL, and, you know, that's just not going to happen. The thing that makes the XFL so special was the hard-nosed badassery of the whole thing.

Tom Brady is a 'pretty boy' who makes out with his son and is full of 'bullshit' health claims

Tom Brady is a pretty boy... that doesn't mean he's not the best quarterback of all time but he is a pretty boy... this is the most dickhead statement I've ever heard. He says 'I can't get sunburned because I stay so hydrated.' Just cut out with the bullshit. Let's be human for a minute.

The 'Patriot Way' is a fear-based organization where players don't actually enjoy themselves

I just think the the Patriot Way is it's a fear-based organization. Obviously, do they win? Hell yes, they win... Do I think people enjoy... you can say I had a lot of fun playing there? No, I don't. When they go to interviews they act like fucking robots. Hey, let's stop being a dickhead. We can be cordial for a little bit.

Winning one Super Bowl while having fun is better than winning five and being miserable

I would much rather have fun and win a Super Bowl than be miserable and win five Super Bowls.

The Olympics starting events before the opening ceremony is total 'bullshit'

Why does curling start before everything else? They really need that much time to do curling? ... So they don't light the torch, but they play the Olympics. It's bullshit. So-called bullshit.

Olympic events starting before the Opening Ceremony should be moved to avoid the delay

I don't like the Olympic Games getting started before the opening ceremony. Just move the opening ceremonies a couple days earlier. I need a torch.

Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal could have won six or more championships if they had stayed together

If those two [Kobe and Shaq] could figure out a way to make it work, they could be a really good duo. They could probably win four in a row... Five, six, yeah. Unlimited. Sky's the limit with those two.

If Andrew Luck was 100% healthy, Josh McDaniels would have taken the Colts job

I'll put it this way. If Andrew Luck was 100% healthy, then [Josh] McDaniels takes this job.

Bill Belichick letting Matt Patricia leave but keeping Josh McDaniels proves he thinks Patricia is a dummy

The other fallout is [Bill] Belichick must think Matt Patricia's a dummy because he's like, 'No, you go ahead. You're not going to be the coach of the New England Patriots when I leave. So you go ahead and don't even look back.'

Mike Tice retiring because players 'don't want to be coached' just means he sucks at coaching

Mike Tice is going to retire, and he says it's because players no longer want to be coached... When you say that you're quitting your coaching job because players don't want to be coached, you're just saying, 'I suck at coaching.'

Carson Wentz proposing to his girlfriend right after the Super Bowl was a smart move to protect his job

Did you see Carson Wentz propose to his girlfriend today too? ... That's actually really smart on Wentz's part because his job is being questioned by some people. And the person who may have taken your job [Nick Foles] also is packing an absolute unit. And so you have to lock that shit down.

Russell Westbrook is the new Allen Iverson: an amazing individual player but not a team guy

I think he's going to end up being like kind of the new Iverson. Amazing individual player, great highlights, real fun, but not quite equipped for analytics... because he can't shoot threes. And so there will always be this inefficient tag to him. And he's just more of an individual than a team guy.

Bill Belichick's two best qualities are insight and foresight

There's two qualities that he by far stands apart from everyone else. And I call them insight and foresight. On insight, I mean on a daily and weekly basis, he's on top of everything all the time... and then foresight. Foresight he always seemed to be one step ahead of everybody else. He'd get rid of that guy that everyone still loved, but it was towards the end of his career, and then the next year they'd fall off the shelf.

Curtis Martin and Brady Quinn were the best players I ever coached

Pros... I think Curtis Martin might have been the best player in the pros. [In college] might have been Brady Quinn. I mean, he played for me for two years and led the team to two BCS games. And he got hurt in his last game against LSU... He tears up his knee, he puts a brace on him and finishes the game.

It is acceptable for Eagles fans to eat horse poop to celebrate their first Super Bowl

I actually stand with the guy who ate the poop. Because I think that's okay. When your team wins a Super Bowl and they've never won a Super Bowl and it's like the immediate euphoria, you are allowed to lose your mind. So I do not call that trash for Philly.

The Patriots play the best Super Bowls and their games are always entertaining

The Patriots play the best Super Bowls. If you look at their eight Super Bowls that they've played in, they have always been entertaining, and that one was maybe one of the most entertaining.

Tom Brady can't beat 'ugly' or 'mouth-breathing' quarterbacks like Eli Manning and Nick Foles

What the game did prove to us was our theory that Tom Brady sucks against ugly quarterbacks and mouth-breathing quarterbacks... You got two against Eli [Manning], you got one against Nick Foles. It's like an ugly duckling, beautiful swan situation where you underestimate your competition if you're that much more attractive than they are.

Super Bowl commercials are officially overrated

Super Bowl commercials are now, I'm going to throw it in there, overrated. I didn't laugh at a single commercial this year... All the commercials these days are just giant corporations just jerking off talking about the good thing they did.

Wisconsin football will never be relevant no matter how many games they win

Wisconsin could win 400 games in a row. Miami goes on a four-game win streak. [Miami is more relevant]. That's why it's a joke. No one cares about Wisconsin. People have nostalgic bullshit [for Miami].

The media focus on the dangers of concussions and football injuries is fair

I think [the media focus on concussion protocol] is fair. I mean, I think no person in their right mind wants to see guys get their brains scrambled and injured... You can take strides to improve the safety... [but] you'll never take injury out of football. That's just the reality of the game.

Dan Snyder is only using the franchise tag on Kirk Cousins because he wants to maintain control over a situation where he has none

Dan Snyder... has decided he's going to franchise tag Kirk Cousins after trading for older Kirk Cousins [Alex Smith]... I think it's just Snyder wanting to have control over a situation where he has no control.

Bill Belichick and Bill Parcells are physically incapable of saying 'I love you'

The ESPN producer basically asking Bill [Belichick] and Bill [Parcells] to say I love you to each other, and they literally could not do it... football guys like those two are physically incapable of saying I love you.

Pete Carroll is a fake football guy because he makes 'my wife runs the house' jokes

Pete Carroll might be a fake football guy... In his press conference that they showed of him becoming the Patriots head coach, he immediately made a my wife runs the house joke. I think that's the go-to fake football guy anecdote. Because a real football guy doesn't even talk about family.

I stayed in Cleveland because winning a ring elsewhere would have felt hollow

Why didn't you want to just go somewhere to try to win a ring? And I'm like, it wouldn't have meant the same thing to me. It would have felt hollow. Like, just going to a team that, oh, I think they're probably the best team to win a championship... I want that ring, so I'm going to go deal with that.