Takes

The College Football Playoff trophy is terrible and should be replaced by the old glass ball

The glass ball needs to come back. Whatever that fucking lightsaber thing is, is terrible.

Football is like the mafia because once you're in, you're in for life

This just proves our theory that football is like the mafia. Once you're in, you're in for life. And if you just kind of like stick around long enough, your name will pop back up.

The Illuminati is not real

Here's my take. I don't think the Illuminati is real. I've actually been doing a lot of thinking about this today. If the Illuminati was real, they would be so powerful that they would eventually sue somebody who came after [them]... If they were actually real, they would shut that shit down.

I wouldn't have the same impact in today's NFL

I don't think I have the same impact in today's NFL because, like I said, I needed 25 carries. I needed 30 carries... a lot of teams have gone to pass first and run the ball second, and they've kind of diminished the running back position to a degree. So certain teams I think I will still have tremendous success on, but certain teams I think I would be like James Harrison. Trade me. Get rid of me.

Herm Edwards definitely doesn't know that the Arizona State 'Sun Devil' hand sign is actually the shocker

Herm Edwards... gave the Sun Devil slogan, which is also the shocker... There's no way that Herm knows that he's giving the shocker. Absolutely. Putting two in the pink, one in the stink.

I pee in the sink in the middle of the night because I know I won't miss

I will pee in the sink in the middle of the night because you know that you aren't going to miss. You know what I mean? You just run the water and just pee in the sink.

Men cheat because they think there is more out there, but they usually realize they love the person they are with

Sometimes as guys, we always think it's more out there in the world for us. And we always have that one person that we really, really care about. But we really don't believe it. But that's the one for us. And we think it's more out there. And we go out there and try to explore. But then we always find ourselves going back to the one that we really love.

Wild Card Weekend is the second best football weekend of the year

This is the second best football weekend of the year. I might even say first best because we do have the college football finals on Monday.

Success relaxes teams like a martini, leading to Super Bowl hangovers

Teddy Atlas always used to say success is like a martini. It relaxes you. And it's true. You think that you can go into the next season and be exactly the same as you were, and you're going to glide through those games, but everybody else has looked at you. Everybody else is playing their best against you.

A smart linebacker is the defensive equivalent of a quarterback and more valuable than a safety

If you can get a linebacker, like a Ray Lewis type... that position is so key because they've got to communicate with the front and they've got to communicate with the secondary. It's the equivalent of the quarterback on defense... it's hard to get the same thing done with a safety of that caliber.

The worst thing you can do at an office job is have people set high expectations for you.

You don't want to be great at your job. You don't want to be really, really bad at your job. You just kind of want to just go with the speed of traffic... That is the worst thing that you can do to yourself is make people have high expectations. It's a low bar in Cincinnati. I love it.

The Jaguars' all-black uniforms are a 'grail' and make the team look fast and strong.

The Jaguars, they announced today, they're wearing all black. And so that's a fit... That's a grail. It just screams excellence. Yeah, and it's also just, it looks good on a football field. When TCU does it, it looks good. They look fast. They look, like, strong.

Having two teams from the same conference in the College Football Playoff is bad for the sport.

It's two teams from any conference. Like that just bothers me... If there are more teams outside that are deserving, that there's teams out there that are worthy of playing for a championship that we don't need to take two teams from the same conference... for [Ohio State] not to get that opportunity, I think it's messed up.

College football should abolish preseason rankings and not release any rankings until October.

The problem is it needs to be 8 team playoff, but they also need to get rid of preseason rankings because that's really where it comes down to... they should do no rankings until October. Let a couple teams figure it out. See who's good. See who's bad.

Florida is the absolute hotbed for football and it's not even close between Texas and California.

Florida is the hotbed of football. It's not even close between Texas and California.

A scorned Nick Saban is the scariest thing in sports

You basically watch Alabama do the old cement mixer on Clemson and just kick the shit out of them for 60 minutes. And [it] proved our theory that a scorned Nick Saban and upset Nick Saban is the scariest thing in sports.

Joe Flacco sucks — he's not elite, he's not good, he honestly just sucks

Joe Flacco sucks. He's not good. He's elite, maybe. No, no — honestly, he sucks.

John Gruden is a bad head coach

Am I the only one who thinks that John Gruden sucks as a head coach? He coached with Tony Dungy's players in Tampa and won a Super Bowl. He had Monty Kiffin calling his defense.

Toughness and grit can be acquired like a callus on the human body

Absolutely, you can improve and become better at toughness. It's a talent, but it can be acquired too. I think of it like building a callus, just like the human body. What a tremendous organism. It actually craves contact... much like conditioning can be improved, so can that callus of toughness and grit also be acquired or improved. You've got a blister. It's soft. It's got fluid in it. It's going to break, but the great thing about it, when it does break, it'll callus over even stronger and harder and better.

I need the sport of football like some people need ice cream or a drug

You know, people are going to be better at things that they love, right? I mean, you're going to work harder at it... Some people need the sport of football. I would put myself in that category. No, I do. I love it... Some people like and need ice cream. You know, they want to eat it every day. I look at football like that. I need it. I need football. It's like a drug, yeah.

My life plan has always been to play football as long as I could, then coach, then die

Honestly, I knew from the very youngest age that I was going to play football as long as I could, then coach, then die. And I really haven't thought about deviation from that plan.

I grew three inches taller because I prayed every night and drank massive amounts of milk

I continued into the high school... the proof being that nobody in my family is over six foot. My brother, John, and my dad are the second tallest Harbaughs. It's right at six foot. I got to six three. There you go... I prayed a lot about it too and drank milk. What do babies drink when they come out of the womb? Milk. That's healthy stuff on earth.

I would love to coach the New York Knicks because I love New York

[Would you coach] the New York Knicks? Yeah, would you coach them? Sure. I love New York.

Grit is the ability to keep your confidence when your potential or results aren't being met

Confidence comes from your perception of your own potential. And I think with grit, I think grit is the ability to keep your confidence when your potential is not being met or when the result is not being met in a particular context... time in life or in a particular moment.

If I were to coach in the NBA, I would go to the Knicks

What NBA team would you like to coach? Kind of kidding. The Knicks. But we're kidding, of course, because I don't want to leave the world... If [Jay Wright] were to coach at the NBA, he would go to the Knicks.

Investors should buy ETFs and stay out of individual stock selection unless they are experts

Buy ETFs, okay? And stay out of the individual stock selection business if you're not an expert. That's what I would tell you.

Dry-fit jockstraps will change your life and solve the problem of swampy undercarriages

I'm a big clean underwear guy. I probably went on Amazon and like they have these dry fit jock straps for when you like work out or play golf or tennis or something. They will change your life. It is the best thing... most men have this pissed off look on their face. You know why? Walking around sucks... because they're walking around with chafed legs, sweaty, swampy undercarriages.

The Cubs would not have won the World Series without the Game 7 rain delay

Do you think the Cubs win the World Series if that rain delay doesn't happen? No. I did not look like the most confident... i doubt we win without first of all if you blow a lead late in any game it's hard to then come back and win... the guys were shell-shocked as we all were and that rain delay... catching a little glimpse of our players meeting and it was awesome... I don't think we win the World Series without that, but you can't prove it.

Solar energy is the biggest no-brainer in the history of the world

Think of it as a solar. Solar energy is the biggest no-brainer in the history of the world. Are you kidding? It's so sunny out there. More solar energy hits the Earth every day... I'm choosing the sun. I'm choosing solar power.

You should never rank, rate, or compare championships, concerts, or children

What I've learned over the course of these now 64 years, never rank, rate, or compare. Championships, concerts, children, coaches, or congratulations. Just enjoy them all.

I used to be all about the outcome, but now I'm completely about the process

I used to be all about outcome, and I've changed. Now I'm about the process. I am completely into sustainability. I want to go on forever... Ultimately, [John Wooden] taught us two things. He taught us how to learn, and he taught us how to compete. And if you can learn, if you can compete, you can do anything.

The Who's 'Quadrophenia' is the greatest album in the history of the world

The Who is my favorite band, the greatest rock and roll band in the world. Quadrophenia is the greatest album that's ever been played. Number one. Number one, nothing even near it.

If your roommate tells you he's making the room a 'trip chamber,' find a new roommate immediately

My roommate told me he's going to make our room a trip chamber... find a new roommate immediately. This is the biggest red flag I think I've ever heard in my entire life. If you're a senior in high school and you're calling things a trip chamber... this is not a guy that you want to be trying to study in the same room at.

College freshmen should spend a year living in a 'trip chamber' and blame all mistakes on the roommate

I'm so jealous of this kid. You're about to spend a year in the trip chamber dude... Make your mistakes young. When you go to college, first year, spend a year in the trip chamber. Yeah, and if you fuck up, you can just blame it on the other kid. It's not my fault, Mom. The kid, I walked into the trip chamber. I had no choice.

We need to take back Thanksgiving and make sure that only America celebrates it

Shocker of all shockers, Canada does Thanksgiving. They do. What the fuck? And it's before ours. They cucked our Thanksgiving. We need to take back Thanksgiving and make sure that only America celebrates Thanksgiving.

Pringles and frozen yogurt bars are elite munchies

I'm going to go Pringles... I'm going to go with... frozen yogurt. That whole like when you go to the frozen yogurt bar and you get everything. It's just the stuff you put on top of it. My picks are candy, Pringles, and water.

The NFL playing games on Christmas Day was bullshit

I think it was actually bullshit that the NFL played on Christmas Day. No, that's an NBA day. It felt so weird. The Steelers and Texans game, that felt like the first Saturday wild card game that no one really wanted to watch. I just felt like it was a little too much. They should have just kept it to Saturday and Sunday.

If the Colts don't hire Bruce Arians immediately, they are the dumbest organization ever

Bruce Arians, I think, is going to walk away. And if the Colts don't fucking hire him immediately, they're the dumbest organization ever. Because, like, why wouldn't you fire Chuck Pagano and bring in the guy who actually was a good coach for your team?

Debating whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie is the worst argument on Twitter

My other hot seat is people who want to debate Die Hard being a Christmas movie because I do not give a fuck. That actually might be the worst Twitter argument that goes on now. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? That was like five years ago and it wasn't interesting then and it's still even more uninteresting now.

The Saints' biggest weakness heading into the playoffs is their lack of downfield passing

So this is odd about the Saints, but really it seems like their weakness is kind of throwing the ball downfield now. They don't really do that anymore... They just don't push the ball downfield anymore. Maybe they don't have to because of the running back situation. But they have a ton of explosive plays. They're just not the ball's not thrown deep downfield anymore.

Fading the public in bowl season is more profitable than in the regular season

I feel like fading the public in bowl season is much more profitable than it would be during the regular season, which means that what you tend to see is a lot of people betting favorites, a lot of people betting over. Personally, I start off looking at an underdog, and then I have to convince myself why that underdog doesn't actually have a chance to cover.

Kevin Durant has officially eclipsed LeBron James as the best player on the planet (according to Skip Bayless)

He [Skip Bayless] says that Kevin Durant has now eclipsed LeBron as the best player on the planet, and Fox News tweeted out the torch has been passed... Officailly KD is the torchbearer, according to Skip Bayless.

NFL replay should be fixed using a 'possession arrow' system from pickup basketball

I think they should just go to a straight pick up hoops thing where no one knows who hit the ball out, so it's like we get the next one. But any, like, controversial call, it's like, all right, you get it this time, we'll get it next time. That's good. I like that. Just keep trading it all year long.

Andrew Luck feels more pain from his injuries because he is smart

My theory on Andrew Luck is that he's smart, so he feels more pain. Is there any credence to my dumb theory?

Florida State has a 'turtle murdering problem' and a bad culture

I'm guessing the Tallahassee police are somehow involved in this... Knowing that there's been one turtle murder that I know of this year, and it happened at Florida State, that's conclusive. Bad culture.

An alien invasion would be a blessing in disguise because it would unify Earth against a common enemy

I actually think that this could be a blessing in disguise for Earth. Because it's like Earth has been in training camp with each other for the last, like, 2,000 years... And now all of a sudden we've got an enemy to play against. It's fun hitting somebody else, right?

The US military is faking alien news to distract Donald Trump and steal NASA's funding

The military saw how good NASA was at holding [Trump's] attention... they're like, this president fucking loves aliens and loves space. And they're getting... NASA's shine is getting too bright right now. We want a slice of that pie. And so now they're trying to distract him... they're like, fuck it. We're going to make up some aliens and we're going to pretend that there's a war because there's nothing more than Donald Trump wants.

Dry, crisp cookies are better than soft, soggy cookies

I'd rather dry with a crisp than soft, like a wet, soft, soggy cookie in my mouth.

Shaq was the 'Robin' and Kobe was the 'Batman' during their championship runs together

Shaq needed Kobe more than Kobe needed Shaq... Shaq needed the wing scorers to be Shaq. He needed Dwyane Wade to be unbelievable Dwyane Wade. Shaq was Superman, and Kobe was Batman. [But] Batman isn't a superhero... he's just a rich guy with a bunch of gadgets.

Belichick rescinding Alex Guerrero's credentials is good because friction causes fire and will motivate Tom Brady

It's not a friction. It's actually a good thing. It means Belichick's lighting a fire under Brady's ass because friction causes fire. So Belichick knows he's got to push Brady's buttons if he wants him to keep playing at this level at such an old age.