Takes

Floyd Mayweather was a genuinely good guy until he used a homophobic slur

I thought Floyd Mayweather was a genuinely good guy until he dropped that hard F-bomb. That's the most problematic thing that these guys have done is use words that they shouldn't.

Dana White is looking bloated and out of shape

Dana White, a story that's not being talked about, he's looking pretty fat. Like he's bloated. I don't know. Maybe that those billions that he got has gone to his head... standing takes so much effort. Standing is not fun for guys who are overweight, and he's like, I'm going to lean all my body weight on this podium because I cannot stand up anymore.

You can't be one of the best players on a team if you only played three games

I think last year, yeah, I would not – I mean, you only played three games. You can't be one of the best players on the team if you only played three games.

My cabin in Wisconsin is actually the nicest house in America

I never actually called the cabin minimalistic... [it's] the nicest house in America. Beautiful house. I did one interview about the cabin and I never actually called the cabin minimalistic... then they find out it's a big cabin, and I'm like, I never said it was a small cabin.

Roger Federer is the GOAT and the classiest athlete of all time

He's the GOAT, but he's also the classiest. So a lot of class getting thrown around when we talk about Federer. The gentleman. Just the smoothness with which he plays. That is a guy that you want to be dating your daughter.

Tennis is the only sport where crying is acceptable and mandatory

I think that if there's one sport where crying is acceptable, if not mandatory, it's tennis. In fact, if Federer had wept... You have to cry in tennis. Then he's the classiest gentleman of all time to play the game.

Game of Thrones has too many storylines for a man to follow

I don't like how there's so many storylines that are simultaneously going. I'm a guy. I understand one thing happening. You're either angry or happy. That's why guys like porn so much. They're fucking. That's the storyline. And then it's over.

Owning a dog and having a child are essentially the same thing

Owning a dog and a kid, same thing. Yeah, for example, sometimes my dog, he sleeps in really, really late, and I have to wake him up to take him outside to use the restroom.

99% of office meetings could be solved with a text thread

I would say that 99% of meetings in general could just be solved with a text thread.

Atlanta is a college sports mecca, which is why the professional teams struggle for support

Atlanta is a college sports mecca. They love their college sports in Atlanta. That's why the pro teams kind of get the shaft a little bit.

Alex Rodriguez was a more entertaining Yankee than Derek Jeter because of his massive highs and lows

Alex [Rodriguez] is the most entertaining Yankee more than Derek [Jeter] because of the highs and lows. He'll bring you as high as you want to be and he'll bring you as low as you want to be.

Aaron Judge is the face of baseball right now

With Mike Trout being hurt, Mike Trout being on the West Coast, the New York market is just crazy about baseball. ... it's hard to say [Judge] is not the face of baseball right now.

Wearing a dry-fit jockstrap while golfing will change your life

I'm going to give you three things that will change your life. Number one, jockstrap while golfing. ... Number two, Gold Bond powder. ... Number three, baby wipes. If you do those three things, I guarantee your life will be better. Calvin Klein makes these dry-fit jock straps that are like silk. It's like sleeping naked in silk sheets.

Painting your dog is fucked up and the dogs feel embarrassment

I think painting dogs is really fucked up. I think the dogs know. Dogs can feel embarrassment. They can. I'm standing pretty hard on this one.

I am firmly on Team Paint Your Dogs

I am firmly on team paint your dogs. ... We'll see about [the wrong side of history].

People who own rats, ferrets, snakes, or iguanas aren't right in the head

Rats, ferrets, snakes, iguanas, those people aren't right in the head. Steer clear.

The MLB All-Star Game sucks because the teams don't have enough time to haze each other

The my theory as to why the All-Star game sucks is that the teams don't have enough time to haze each other so there's no team building before the game starts. You don't get to like tape a guy to a wall... there's not enough buy-in on the team.

I have never been as wowed by home runs as I was watching Aaron Judge at the Derby

I have never been wowed by home runs like I was... Aaron Judge's home runs made me just sit there like holy shit. How can a human being look so effortless and hit the ball 500 feet?

The MLB should determine World Series home field by interleague play record

What they should do is whichever AL NL, whoever has a better record in interleague play. Boom. Problem solved. There's a little National League versus American League pride now.

The Cubs might not have won the 2016 World Series without the Game 7 rain delay

I actually don't [think they win if the rain delay didn't happen]. They had that look in the dugout... Aroldis Chapman pitched the most impressive inning I've ever seen after blowing it in the eighth... It's impossible to know the answer to that question, but I think they had the right guys coming up.

Floyd Mayweather is overmatched by Conor McGregor in trash talking

Mayweather for the first time in his life is very clearly overmatched in the shit talking game. So he's been known as a good shit talker but in reality he's just been like i'm gonna beat the fuck out of this guy... McGregor has that where basically anything McGregor says is funny because it's Irish.

Meditating is a top-four way to cool down in the summer

My last one is just meditating. Meditate... when I said meditating, I meant cool down like when you get hot in an argument. Like when you ever get in a really big argument. You need to take a deep breath.

Laying on the bathroom floor is the greatest feeling when you have the spins

This is actually more for when you have the spins, but it still is the greatest thing in the world. Just laying down on the bathroom floor... There's actually no better feeling in the world. It's great. When you're hot, when you're drunk, when you have the spins.

NBA players shouldn't be allowed to spend their entire contract in Houston because everything is too cheap

The nice thing about [James Harden's] contract is I don't think it's possible to spend this much money in one lifetime in Houston, Texas. Everything there is, like, really cheap.

Aaron Rodgers loves to get angry at other athletes' contracts

This is like the Aaron Rodgers specialty. Aaron Rodgers loves to get pissed off at other quarterbacks' contracts. That's like his thing. I want him to start jumping into other sports too and getting pissed off and be like, hey, I'm a better quarterback than James Harden is a shooting guard. How come I'm not getting paid?

Every great pitcher needs to have a streak of being an asshole

I think every pitcher, if they're going to be a really good pitcher, they need to have a streak of being an asshole.

Starting pitchers deserve 100% of the credit for no-hitters, but catchers deserve more recognition

The pitchers deserve most of the credit. Look, it's their ball and it's their game at the end of the day. But I wish the catcher would get a little bit more credit.

Catchers and calling the game are more important than hitting or throwing

Number one is catching and calling a game no matter what. You have to be able to call a game, know the right pitch, know your pitching staff, know when to call and what to call at certain times... throwing would have to be last, and probably hitting and then throwing is last.

Hawk Harrelson is the best announcer in baseball

Every time [Hawk Harrelson] calls me, it's a great feeling to know that the best announcer in the game is calling me.

Shoeless Joe Jackson belongs in the Hall of Fame

You think Joe Jackson should be a Hall of Famer?... Yes, I do... He had a pretty good World Series for someone trying to throw it.

St. Louis Cardinals fans are the classiest in baseball, followed by the White Sox

Rank the classiest fan bases... Well, St. Louis is number one. You could be 0 for 100, and they'll tell you you're going to get a hit tomorrow, even though you know you're not going to... For me, the White Sox, too, probably. Braves, three.

NFL players should only be allowed to have sex between September and Christmas to avoid off-season distractions

You're only allowed to fuck between September and Christmas. No fucking after Christmas... so that you're not going to be having kids during a stretch run.

You cannot make Boston racism jokes about Gordon Hayward if he is moving there from Utah

One first hot seat is people making Boston racism jokes and saying that Gordon [Hayward] went to Boston because he liked... casual racism. Guess what? You can't say that if he goes from Utah. Doesn't work that way.

Steve Kerr is intentionally signing 'fuck-ups' to see how many he can fix without losing a championship

It's basically Steve Kerr being like, how big of a fuck-up can I turn into a player that still won't cost me a championship?

The July 5th hangover is the worst hangover of the year

Just the July 5th hangover in general. That is the worst hangover of the year.

Adding a second staircase to elevated bar levels significantly increases social interaction

I used to build elevated levels in bar and restaurants like everyone else with a staircase... you feel like a freaking idiot. You've got to turn around, walk back the other way. You're busted... So I simply put a second staircase in on the other side... social interaction went up big time. I'm guessing there are people that are married to this very day because of that freaking staircase.

NFL teams should use comedians or bands as opening acts to improve the stadium experience

what is the kind of stuff that, you know, cat can get that he can't get at home? ...putting a band before a game or after a game so that you can infuse a different type of entertainment into a show doesn't hurt either. I mean, you're going to laugh at this, Dan, but how about a comedian to open as an opening act?

Empty seats in NFL stadiums are a bigger embarrassment than 'minor league' promotions

Isn't that interesting that it's beneath them, but the empty seat isn't beneath them? I mean, it's pretty asinine and pretty egotistical. To me, the empty seat would be beneath everything.

Zing Zang is the only acceptable Bloody Mary mix

The things I hate the most about bars, number one, when they make their own Bloody Mary mix instead of using Zing Zang. Because Zing Zang... It's the perfected Bloody Mary mix. There's no topping it. It's perfect all around.

Bar farters are a major societal problem

Number one, I have a longstanding issue with it. Bar farters, anyone who farts in a bar, because they know they have the masses to hide behind. I think it's bullshit when you're walking through a bar and boom, it smells like someone just took a shit on the floor.

If a bar offers wings on the menu, they are obligated to provide wet naps

No wet naps when you have wings on the menu. That's another big one. Need that.

Rickie Fowler is coming off desperate by liking all 164 of his girlfriend's Instagram posts

Ricky Fowler, who apparently has been liking... He's liked every single one of his girlfriend's Instagram posts. Yes, 164... He's coming off a little desperate. Maybe tone it down.

Serena Williams can't be the G.O.A.T. athlete if she won't play Wimbledon while 9 months pregnant

I am upset, though, that Serena's not playing because she's pregnant. So I guess she can play when she's just like three months pregnant, but she can't play when she's nine? Fully pregnant... I can think of 700 male tennis players that would be fine playing when their wives were pregnant.

Jamie Horowitz should have worn a hat to hide his large forehead

Jamie Horowitz... Definitely should have been a hat guy. Should have went with a big hat. He's got a large forehead, and I'm not saying that's why he got fired, but it's the Tom Crean, right? It's like you can't give them an extra reason to fire you... if you have a big forehead that just looks stupid.

Philadelphia is the only city in the world that smells worse now than it did when people defecated in the streets

Philadelphia is actually somehow the only city in the world that has gotten increasingly worse smelling even though everyone used to shit in the street and wear wool in the middle of August. That's a fact.

The best way to enjoy a boat is to have a close friend who owns one rather than owning it yourself

My number three is having a friend with a boat but not actually owning one yourself. So you never want to be the guy with the boat. You want to be the guy that's got a good friend. They'll take you out, and if you throw them some fuel money, you're good.

The best way to enjoy a lake is to float in the middle with a life jacket and five beers

I like to just put on a life jacket and just sit in the middle of the lake and just drink beers, drink like five beers while I pee and just do nothing else. So you just sit there. It's great. You get all your friends just sitting there doing nothing.

Being called 'football smart' is actually an insult meaning you are dumb in every other regard

People come up to me and they say, well, he's football smart. That means that he's, they have no common sense and they're pretty much dumb in every other regards. So yeah, that's not a tag you really want.

Mike Krzyzewski and Bill Belichick are the two best coaches of this generation in any sport

Would you guys agree that in any sport, take all the major sports, is there a better coach in our generation than Coach K? Belichick, Krzyzewski. I don't know if you get any better than that.

Nick Saban's resting heart rate is just 'angry'

Nick Saban, because Nick Saban, he's like a volcano that only erupts every now and then. But when it does, and Nick Saban, you get the added bonus where he yells at his coaches... His resting heart rate is angry.