Takes

A wolf has the advantage over Arian Foster because as an atheist, Foster is more afraid of death than the wolf is

I think the wolf has the advantage because a wolf doesn't care if it lives or if it dies. And an atheist, actually, that's all they care about is whether they live or die because they know that after they're dead, they're not going – they're dead forever. A Christian, they're fine with dying because they'll be like, hey, I'm going to heaven. Tebow would kick the shit out of a wolf.

I could easily kill a wolf one-on-one with my bare hands

I would be able to take a Wolf one-on-one... His point is exactly right. Wolves don't have thumbs. People forget that. So I would just grab the wolf's little neck and snap that thing. Wolf wouldn't even know what hit him. I'd take a dog treat and be like, here, wolf, have a dog treat, and then boom, strangle it.

Mitchell Trubisky changed his name to 'Mitchell' purely to avoid the 'Mitch the Bitch' nickname

I think he did that just simply so people can't say he's mitch the bitch which makes sense right

Robert Griffin III would be a better quarterback if he changed his name to 'Bobby Griffin'

Robert Griffin would actually be better if you change it to Bobby Griffin. That sounds like a quarterback. You make it shorter to make yourself seem like more of a leader. So why are you adding extra syllables on there?

John Ross should officially inherit Chris Johnson's 'Fast Chris Johnson' nickname after breaking his 40-yard dash record

I also think that Chris Johnson should be forced to give up the nickname Fast Chris Johnson, the best nickname maybe in the history of sports, and give it to John Ross.

I could still average 10 points and 5 assists in the NBA right now

I still play with pros all the time. There's moments where you watch guys who just got paid $60, $70, $80 million for having marginal numbers where I'm not going to sit there and tell you, I feel like I can get nine or ten points a game in the league. I feel like I can get four or five assists in a game.

I have the best basketball game out of any talent currently working at ESPN (excluding former NBA players)

Who's got the best game out in Bristol? I would have to say me. [Besides people who played in the league.] Well, see, here's the thing. You don't see a lot of talent play in some of the games.

Tim Tebow's plan to adopt children from every continent is a red flag and an attempt to pre-plan a sexless marriage

This is a red flag. Let's be honest. If you're already pre-planning about not getting laid when you get married, hey, Tebow, hey, when you get married, you're not going to have sex anyways. His whole life, he's had a headache.

Jim Harbaugh wearing cleats on a charter flight is a 'maniac move'

Harbaugh wears cleats on the Charter's flights to games. So he pre-cleats. He cleats on the flight to the game. So, wow. [That's a maniac move.]

It is perfectly acceptable to take your shoes off on a cross-country flight

I always take my shoes off when I'm sitting on a very long flight, and I know my socks are clean... i don't care it's okay travel i've always said travel is one of those things where you just put your head down you worry about yourself don't don't look up if you want to take your shoes out that's fine

The most satisfying fart in life is when you get off a plane after holding it in the whole time

The two most satisfying farts that you can ever have. Number two is after a date, right? The girl gets out of the car and you rip it. Number one is when you get off of a plane and you've been holding it in the whole time.

LeBron James reading 'The Godfather' while walking is a calculated camera stunt

Did you see last night LeBron walking from the bus to the locker room reading The Godfather? And did you also think that was the lamest, most ridiculous thing you've ever seen in your entire life?... He was doing it for camera. He wasn't actually reading.

The Bulls would be stupid to trade Jimmy Butler

I definitely do not [think they should trade Jimmy], and I don't understand the question. ... You are hoping to get a pick to draft a guy that you hope in three or four years will develop into someone as good as Jimmy Butler. ... Guess what is a guarantee of something? The guy on your roster who plays really well.

The 49ers having no quarterbacks is liberating for Kyle Shanahan's play-calling

If you don't have any quarterbacks on your roster, then there's no chance that Kyle Shanahan is going to be able to call too many passing plays late in a game that they're winning... Shanahan's just taking away his ability to throw the ball too much.

Northwestern basketball is annoying because journalists act like it's a plucky underdog story

Except for the fact that now we're going to get Greeny, Mike Wilbon, Rovell, all these fuckers shoving Northwestern plucky underdog down our throats. So I'm saying respect the fucking biz... We don't care about Northwestern basketball enough for you to tell us constantly.

Kirk Cousins is the best quarterback that sucks

I think Kirk Cousins will perpetually be, is he good or not? Yes, he is the best quarterback that sucks.

The five-foul rule in college basketball is the dumbest rule in sports

Also, hot seat, the foul, five fouls in college. Everyone gets mad about that, including myself. I hate that rule. I think it's the dumbest thing ever.

Three-point shooting is a defense against biased home-court officiating

Shooting the three became a big part of getting us to a certain level... The one thing that can't be affected is the three-point shooting. If you're a team that's driving a ball to the basket all the time, you play at home, you might get some calls. You go on the road, you don't get those calls. You're dead.

The new Big East is the best league because it's a pure basketball league

It's the best league in college basketball. Those other leagues now, I think, are football leagues. And we are a pure basketball league.

Not having sex is actually better than having sex because there's more time to think about it

I actually disagree with this [study]. Not having sex kind of rules. You don't have to worry about doing anything. If you don't have sex, there's more time to think about having sex.

Draymond Green wouldn't be able to lead Paul Pierce's pre-KG Celtics teams to the playoffs

Draymond came over the top today and said, people tend to forget that [Pierce] was struggling to get to the playoffs. He was on the trade block every year, then all of a sudden Ray Allen and KG showed up... I would love to see Draymond Green on the teams that Pierce had and lead them to the playoffs.

The Oscars would be better if the celebrities were made gradually more uncomfortable

I would like to watch the Oscars a lot more if instead of treating the celebrities to things, they gradually made them more uncomfortable as the show went on. Like crank the heat up five degrees every hour or something like that. So they were just a big sweaty mess at the end.

Mark Cuban is a genius for 'controlling' the media to protect his players

Mark Cuban, this is sneaky genius. [He's a] player's owner. All the players want to come play for him because they know he's got your back on Twitter. If someone is even remotely, even like a little bit mean on Twitter, he's going to CC the bosses and tell them that they're all in deep shit.

John Calipari needs a second national title to be considered a legendary coach

I actually do believe before he's done, if he's going to be one of the best, he's got to win two [titles]. Otherwise, he's a really good coach. But I do think it takes two to actually be like, consider one of the 15 best ever coach. ... what takes you from the you were a great coach to you were a legend is that second one.

The Pittsburgh Penguins are the Seattle Seahawks of the NHL

I'd say probably [the] Seattle Seahawks where they're in it every year. ... Pittsburgh, Seattle, every year they're competitive. They've won it recently.

The Minnesota Wild and Vikings share a history of disappointing Scandinavian fans

The Vikings in the Wild, they both consistently disappoint a shitload of pale Scandinavian people. That's the history of the franchise.

Shaquille O'Neal is a victim of 'athlete funny' and is not actually humorous

Shaq has always been a victim of athlete funny. Where someone in the locker room once told Shaq he was funny, and he has gone with that throughout his whole career thinking he is actually humorous, and people want to hear Shaq tell jokes when in reality he's not funny.

LaVar Ball is like a bird that sits on a rhino and shits everywhere

[Lonzo Ball's] father is going to be over his shoulder the whole time. His father is like one of those birds that sits on the back of a rhino and shits everywhere. That's what he's going to be.

Being tired is a more hardcore injury than a broken bone for a 32-year-old

As someone who's 32 years old, being tired, I would rather have a broken bone than be tired. Being tired is the most hardcore injury that I have these days.

Luke Kennard is so good that it makes me hate him even more

Luke Kennard, though, is awesome, and I'm not saying that just because he can dribble behind his back. I hate how good he is. I can't hate him because he's so good, which makes me hate him even more.

Wikipedia pages are better than the books they are based on

A lot of nerds out there like to say, oh, the book was better than the movie. Guess what? The Wikipedia page was better than the book. Correct.

Hidden Figures is the best movie of the last four to five years

I haven't seen this movie, but I want to see this movie because it looks unbelievable... If they don't give this one the Oscar, I might boycott the Oscars. Yeah, well, it's head and shoulders above anything else that's been made in the last five or six years... I'm giving it a 101 out of 100.

Remember the Titans is the best Denzel Washington movie

God, super cliche. But I think Remember the Titans is unbelievable, Denzel.

Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is the hottest any woman has ever been in a movie

I'm going Rachel McAdams just because I would throw it out there that Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is like the hottest woman has ever been as a character. She was wifey material there.

Buddy Hield lacks a killer instinct because his name is 'Buddy'

If you name your kid Buddy, you're saying you're going to be in the friend zone with everybody. That's what the name literally translates to. You're not a tough guy if your name's Buddy. You lack the killer instinct.

The Patriots' franchise success is suspiciously linked to the aftermath of 9/11

Patriots completely changed the course of their franchise after [9/11]. Look into it... the plot thickens. Bill Belichick has not won a Super Bowl without a quarterback [or a national tragedy].

Following who NBA players follow on Twitter is the best way to predict trades

It's a big time of year to see which players that different NBA teams are following on Twitter. That's how you tell. [Big Cat]: Because Isaiah Thomas also followed Melo, right, on Twitter. So that's a big thing as well.

Former great players make better coaches because they can articulate exactly what they did on the field

Who would you rather have teach you? Someone that did it, someone that could walk in those steps, someone that could tell you every step about here's what's going to happen here... So it's being able to have a player that understood exactly what they did and took notes on what they did and becoming a coach and being able to explain to you exactly what they did.

Bear Weather is a myth and is not worth a single point

Bear weather is not worth one point... Sabermetrics. It is not worth one point... How in the world is the cold weather or anything else going to be worth any points? Americans have to stand in the same weather.

Buddy Ryan is the ultimate football guy

The ultimate football guy that I know is Buddy Ryan. He was an ultimate football guy because he knew the game. He knew what everybody was supposed to be doing. He knew why they were doing it. And he knew how to get them motivated to do it.

Bear Weather is real and dome teams struggle to play in it

I disagree with [Singletary]. Now, when you say bear weather, when I think bear weather, I think, you know, one, two, zero degrees, wind chill... January, you get a team like the Atlanta Falcons... typically a dome team... It comes out there, and you can tell in a warm-up set. The wind's coming off the lake, and it just feels good.

Sports are being ruined by nerds with spreadsheets

It's nerds that are infecting sports. They got their spreadsheets. They think that they know everything.

Every Super Bowl and All-Star game should be held in New Orleans

Anytime you have a big sporting event in New Orleans, you're contractually obligated to say, why don't they just have every Super Bowl and All-Star game in New Orleans?

Kyrie Irving's flat earth comments were likely a headline grab or a prank on the media

Kyrie Irving... let's just call a spade a spade, he was doing this for headlines. I can't decide if it's either a headline for the podcast... or if it was simply all the NBA players getting together and being like, 'Let's prank the media. Let's fuck with them.'

Guy Fieri is the closest thing America has to producing its own Jesus

I don't think I'm going overboard when I say it, but Guy Fieri is probably as close as Americans will get to producing our own Jesus.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are officially 'friends with benefits' after their All-Star Game alley-oop

An alley-oop is kind of like makeup sex. You connect in that one little instant, and you're like, yeah, I remember this whole relationship could be a lot of fun. I'll just say that they're friends with benefits now.

Bill Belichick narrating a WWII documentary is a clever PR move to deflect from 'Patriots are Nazis' comparisons

It's a great way to steer people away from the New England Patriots or Nazis takes because you're like, actually, our coach is narrating a documentary about killing Nazis.

Day parties are officially back

My who's back of the week is day parties. Huge weekend. 60 degrees out of nowhere in February. So basically, usually college kids will go through the winter depression, and then there was that one nice weekend that kicks off the rest of the spring semester.

Peyton Manning's success with multiple coaches gives him a valid argument over Tom Brady

Brady has had the luxury of being with, and I think this is not debatable, the greatest coach in the history of football... I know what Peyton Manning is away from the Colts or Tony Dungy. He's been to a Super Bowl with four different head coaches. He's won a Super Bowl with two different head coaches.

Flacco had the greatest playoff run I've ever seen on the way to Super Bowl 47, and his hair is elite

His hair is elite. Not as elite as yours, but his hair is elite. [Joe Flacco] had the greatest run I've ever seen on the way to Super Bowl 47.