Takes

Hank is more famous than former NHL star Ryan Whitney

Is there a part of you that realizes that Hank is still more famous than you? [Ryan Whitney: I'm fully 100% aware of it.]

I would unretire and play soccer again for $15 million

If someone were to offer you $15 million to play next year, would you play? [Landon Donovan: Yes.] Okay, breaking news. Not retired. Open to a comeback.

Shooting 'granny style' should be rebranded to 'pimp grip' to make it cooler for NBA players

I think the problem is that it's called granny style because nobody wants to shoot it with that name. If it was like pimp grip or like called baller style or something like that, I feel like more people would try it.

Danny Woodhead will join the Patriots to mentor Christian McCaffrey

Until the end of the league year, [Danny Woodhead] is still a Charger. And then he'll be a Patriot where he'll mentor Christian McCaffrey.

Benchining a player for being too fat isn't discrimination if they were already heavy when they signed

They accepted [Pablo Sandoval] as being a loud ass when they signed him. He was heavy. So they didn't discriminate in the beginning. And so they will accept him the way he was, but it turned out that he couldn't hit his weight. So that made him less subject to discrimination.

The punt is the most important play in football

No, I've said it's [the punt] the most important play. All right, the most important play.

The Cubs will win a World Series before the Knicks win an NBA championship

Of course the Cubs are going to win one before the Knicks. No, I'm not saying it's this year, but here's the answer to your question straight up. As long as James Dolan is the owner of the Knicks, the Knicks aren't winning shit.

The Knicks will never win as long as James Dolan is the owner

As long as James Dolan is the owner of the Knicks, the Knicks aren't winning shit. And you know that. I know that. Spike Lee knows that.

Eli Manning is a prankster who likes to crop dust and fart on teammates

Eli is the kind of guy, like, he's definitely smart, but, like, likes the pranky, slapsticky type stuff. And, like, it'll just – he'll be sitting down in a meeting or something talking to someone, and he'll kind of crop dust you or just, like, drive by, fart you, and then just walk away. He's a big fart guy, yeah.

Grayson Allen should seek treatment for his tripping addiction

He's addicted to tripping. He's got a problem. He should go to rehab. Go to rehab for tripping. Seek treatment.

Bet the Under on the first three NBA games on Christmas Day

So everyone remember, Christmas Day, my theory, the Unders in the NBA, if you bet the first three Unders, I think you've won every year in the last decade... The teams are going to take a little too long, eat a little food. It's only for the first three games, though.

Tom Savage is a one-week wonder

I think Tom Savage is a one-week wonder.

The Vikings' trade for Sam Bradford was a dumb move

I always told you guys that Sam Bradford trade was a fucking dumb move. The Titans and the Lions. Let's check the tape on that one. Yeah, we'll check the tape maybe after New Year's.

NBA superteams and a lack of parity make the league boring

There's not a lot of parity in the league. It's super teams. Why even watch? If you have one unbelievable player, then it's pretty much a guaranteed win.

Social media and video games have ruined the camaraderie of wrestling road tours

The guys nowadays pretty much stayed to themselves. A lot of video games, a lot of stuff like that, you know. Social media is tough. The guys don't go out like they're used to. It's just different times... raising hell, driving on the road. It's a different time.

WWE's production values are superior to the NBA and NFL

WWE's production values are [so good]. Their stuff is better than NBA, NFL, Namath. Their stuff is so good and so far advanced.

Every crime headline should include the sports teams the criminal roots for

Every time that there's a crime in the paper, if the detectives are able to figure out what teams they supported, they should include that in the headline. So like Pittsburgh Penguins fan hits Washington Wizards fan in a drunk driving accident.

Star players only sit out bowl games when the bowl has poor leadership

If those two clowns of bowls [the Citrus Bowl and the Sun Bowl] had actual leadership running the show, I don't think that the star players would be sitting out.

Kirk Herbstreit's take on players sitting out bowl games is invalid because he wasn't an NFL prospect

[Kirk Herbstreit] forgot to mention the fact that he only started one season at Ohio State and he wasn't good enough to play in the NFL, so that wasn't even an option for him.

There is a substantial chance the Raiders move to Las Vegas

I certainly think there's a substantial chance that they do, but the end of that story is not yet written... the team seems very, very committed to leaving Oakland.

It is yet to be proven if Derek Carr can win in cold weather

We saw that the team had some problems in Kansas City. Some people want to attribute that to the pinky. I don't necessarily agree that we should be pointing to a pinky... We'll see because the team could have to travel to New England. We don't yet know if that will be the case.

The Rams need to hire John Gruden to provide a 'splash' for their new stadium

The Los Angeles Rams are moving toward a meeting with ESPN analyst John Gruden... that's really nice because you need a splash, and nothing says a splash like a guy who hasn't been coaching for about 15 years.

Matt Moore is the truth

I think Matt Moore is the truth. Did you see him? He was having so much fun out there.

I have completely sold myself on Matt Barkley

Since we're in the trust tree, I have completely sold myself on Matt Barkley.

NFL coach, beat reporter, and super fan trades should be more common

I love any non-athlete trade, and there needs to be more of them. ... I think it should be expanded to beat reporters. ... I want to see super fans getting traded.

Numbers and analytics are ruining sports

Numbers ruin sports. You made us all robots. Sports was great when it was just men grunting at each other, and there was no number for how much pain you're playing through.

Jeff Fisher will become a VP of Football Operations for a moving team

I think we called it he's going to be vice president of football operations somewhere. ... For maybe when the Chargers move. ... The Chargers fire McCoy. They hire Fisher to handle the logistics and the move.

Kyle Shanahan will get a head coaching job and Mike Shanahan will be his consultant

I think what will happen is his son, Kyle Shanahan, will get a coaching job somewhere, and he'll go with Kyle to be a consultant.

NFL owners care more about profit than winning

There's a lot of owners that don't really, they say they want to win, but they don't want to do what it takes to win. They want to be profitable. They're in the entertainment business. They think it's cool to own a team.

The Heisman represents the player with the biggest campaign, not the best player

Let's not call it the best college football player because it doesn't represent the best college football player. It represents the guy with the biggest campaign who happens to touch the ball.

Rex Ryan will get another head coaching job

I think that he's going to get another head coaching job. I think he could go to Jacksonville. Oh, can you imagine Rex in L.A.?

LeBron James is taking money out of kids' pockets by resting for games

It's honestly a little bit disgusting on LeBron's part to take a day off... He's taking money out of kids' pockets. He is.

The Seahawks' neon algae green uniforms are the best Color Rush uniforms ever

Color Rush happened last night. Best Color Rush uniforms ever. Ever. Seahawks look pretty good. Seahawks are great. Algae green.

The Washington Capitals will definitely win the Stanley Cup this season

This is definitely the capital season to win the Stanley Cup... No, this is the one. This is the one. This is the one.

Donald Trump only appoints tall people to his administration

Senator Corker... did not get the Secretary of State job because the guy that got it is taller than Corker. Apparently Trump fancies tall people who are billionaires... Apparently if you're short, you're going nowhere in the Trump administration.

The worse Bill Belichick looks, the better the Patriots play

The more I actually review these outfits, it's just the worse he looks, the better they play. It actually makes sense. He's the opposite of look good, play good.

Mark Dantonio's approach to fixing Michigan State's problems by 'firing himself' is a great PR move

Mark Dantonio... he fired himself, kind of. He said, to be honest with you, I've taken the approach of, hey, I'm a new coach coming in here. I'm going to fix the things that the other guy did last year... and that's how I'm going to take the approach.

Jay Mariotti is just a troll looking for attention

It's called a troll that's looking for attention. And I absolutely played right into what he wanted.

Jeff Fisher couldn't even succeed at losing, which is the most losing thing of all

In my opinion, if you're going to do something, be the best at it. He couldn't even succeed at losing, which is really the most losing thing of all.

People who complain about how much 2016 sucked are officially on the hot seat

My hot seat was, I think I talked about this a month ago, but I want to officially throw it on the hot seat because we're getting close to the end of the year. People who complain about how much 2016 sucked. You only have two weeks left to be a whiny little bitch on Twitter talking about how 2016, worst year ever.

Harry Douglas's low hit on Chris Harris Jr. was not illegal or dirty

I say dirty from my standpoint is based upon whether it was illegal or not. And it's not illegal. I mean, he's in front. He's blocking low. It's a run up the middle. I don't think it's illegal at all, and I don't think the league does either.

Roger Goodell will change the overtime rules this offseason to eliminate all ties

Roger Goodell's going to change the overtime rules this offseason, so eliminating all ties, and then he's going to say that he saved the NFL yet again.

LeBron James is the 'Disney' of the NBA and corny as fuck

He's the Disney of the world. He's the Disney of the NBA. He's the Disney of memes. He makes everything corny as fuck.

Name your kid 'Coach' so they are respected by peers and have job security

Name your kid coach. Why not just give your son, our daughter, the name coach? That way they're respected by all their peers. If they're playing sports growing up, you're taught to respect your coach, and you also are immune to being fired unless you really, really, really suck at your job.

Aaron Rodgers is officially back and the Packers are the team nobody wants to play in January

[Aaron Rodgers] did his whole thing where everyone talked about how [he] was awful, and then he's rattled off three games that have been great, and the Packers are right back in the thick of things, and they are officially the don't-want-to-play-these-guys-in-January team.

The Detroit Lions are in trouble because Matthew Stafford's finger injury is a season-killer

The Lions are back because something really good happened to them today, and they're in the catbird seat of the NFC North. But then in a win, they also got really bad news as Matthew Stafford dislocated his middle finger on his throwing hand and severed a bunch of ligaments. So they're kind of fucked.

Ben McAdoo is an aspirational, try-hard football guy rather than a real one

I still continue to say [Ben McAdoo] is not a football guy. He's a football guy in disguise. He's trying to be. He's an aspirational football—he's a try-hard football guy. Football guys don't even know that they're trying to be football guys. He knows.

Marc Trestman was a genius offensive coordinator but not a head coach

Trestman was a great offensive coordinator, he just wasn't a head coach... you can just tell by the way the guy is wired. He's an offensive-minded genius, and he should just be in charge of anything that falls under the offensive branch. When you're trying to talk to D-linemen and linebackers, who are just a different group of individuals, then you got to have a different way of going about it.

Alex Smith is better in the cold because it makes everyone else as bad as he is

Alex Smith, he's better in the cold. Well, I don't want to say he's better in the cold. It's like he's kind of shitty just in general. But when it gets cold outside, it's the great equalizer because everyone's shit.

The Heisman Trophy should just be awarded to the first five picks in the NFL Draft

My Mike Greenberg dumb rule, they should just make the Heisman the first five picks in the NFL draft. So instead of picking the best college player, give us the best, the guys who are going to be in the draft.