PMT DB
PMT DB
Mike Pereira on NFL Rules, Jay Mariotti Feuds, and Finding Closure with Death
The show kicks off with PFT Commenter in the middle of a bizarre Twitter war with Jay Mariotti, who apparently has emerged from the clouds to demand a resume and a legal name. It is classic troll behavior, but PFT is leaning into it, especially with the news that Mariotti is starting a national podcast on New Year's Day.
PFT CommenterJay Mariotti is just a troll looking for attention
It's called a troll that's looking for attention. And I absolutely played right into what he wanted.
Speaking of careers in transition, the guys process the devastating news of Jeff Fisher being fired by the Rams. He was just one loss away from the all-time record, and Big Cat is genuinely shook by the absence of that constant failure in his life. PFT points out that Fisher managed to lose in the most poetic way possible.
PFT CommenterJeff Fisher couldn't even succeed at losing, which is the most losing thing of all
In my opinion, if you're going to do something, be the best at it. He couldn't even succeed at losing, which is really the most losing thing of all.
Hot Seat/Cool Throne
Hank starts things off by putting Rex Ryan on the Hot Seat, mostly because we all deserve at least one game where Rob Ryan is the head coach. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is on the Cool Throne after meeting with Kanye West and effectively disarming a 2020 election threat.
HankDonald Trump has nothing to worry about and will serve two full terms as President
So [Trump] met with Kanye today... And Kanye tweeted after he was originally going to run in 2020. He's not going to run until 2024... So Trump is good. Trump has nothing to worry about. Two terms. Eight years. The only thing holding him back from not being president is now over.
Big Cat brings up the incredible story of the Wake Forest radio announcer who was selling plays to opponents for three years. It raises the question of why anyone actually needs a spy to beat Wake Forest, but it also provides a great excuse for the head coach.
Big CatA college football coach shouldn't be fired if there's a 'rat' in the building selling plays
So if you missed the story, literally the radio guy for Wake Forest has been selling playbooks and insider information to all of Wake Forest's opponents for the last three years. I didn't know anyone needed help to beat Wake Forest... You can't fire a coach if there's been a rat in the building, right?
As we wrap up the year, Big Cat is officially done with the people complaining about how 'terrible' this trip around the sun has been.
Big CatPeople who complain about how much 2016 sucked are officially on the hot seat
My hot seat was, I think I talked about this a month ago, but I want to officially throw it on the hot seat because we're getting close to the end of the year. People who complain about how much 2016 sucked. You only have two weeks left to be a whiny little bitch on Twitter talking about how 2016, worst year ever.
Finally, the 'Yates of Hell' are back as TJ Yates signs with the Dolphins. It’s a legendary nickname that unfortunately is attached to a player who rarely lives up to the billing.
Big CatThe 'Yates of Hell' nickname is the greatest for someone who can't back it up
Maybe the greatest nickname for someone who can't back it up because this is what happens with TJ Yates. You sell yourself on Yates of Hell, and you even bet on Yates of Hell, and then you remember that it's actually just TJ Yates and he sucks.
Mike Pereira
Former VP of Officiating Mike Pereira returns to the show to help make sense of the chaos on the field. The conversation immediately goes to Shea McClellan jumping over the center to block a kick on Monday Night Football. While it looked like a glitch in the matrix, Mike explains that it’s actually perfectly legal under the current rules.
Mike PereiraHurdling over a center during a field goal is legal as long as there is no contact
So now you're getting these guys that are getting the running start and going over the top, and if they don't touch anybody, then it's legal. It's legal to hurdle. I just don't know what they could necessarily do other than to say that you can't jump over an opponent, and I just don't see them doing that.
This leads to a deep dive into the 'goaltending' rules of the NFL, which apparently exist because players used to stand under the crossbar like they were playing center for the Knicks.
Mike PereiraThe NFL has a 'goaltending' rule to prevent players from batting field goals away from under the goalpost
But, you know, there's such a foul in the NFL, which people don't really know about... goaltending. They used to put R.C. Owens, I think it was, underneath the goalposts at Kezar Stadium in San Francisco. And he would try to jump up and bat the ball to keep it from going over the upright. And the league said, that doesn't seem fair. And so they actually said that you couldn't.
Big Cat also asks about a personal grievance: the yellow gloves and cleats that make every fan think there is a penalty flag on the play. Mike is surprisingly on board with banning the look to protect the 'shit for brains' demographic of fans.
Mike PereiraYellow colored gloves and cleats should be illegal in the NFL
Should be illegal. I'm going illegal with that. Because we don't want to offend dumb people like yourself.
On a more serious note, Mike weighs in on the Harry Douglas hit that had the Broncos seeing red. While players might hate it, the rulebook says otherwise.
Mike PereiraHarry Douglas's low hit on Chris Harris Jr. was not illegal or dirty
I say dirty from my standpoint is based upon whether it was illegal or not. And it's not illegal. I mean, he's in front. He's blocking low. It's a run up the middle. I don't think it's illegal at all, and I don't think the league does either.
Before letting him go, Big Cat floats a theory that the NFL is going to move away from ties entirely just so Roger Goodell can take a victory lap.
Big CatRoger Goodell will change the overtime rules this offseason to eliminate all ties
Roger Goodell's going to change the overtime rules this offseason, so eliminating all ties, and then he's going to say that he saved the NFL yet again.
Talking to Death
The guys visit Psychic Laura to get some closure on the week's biggest passings. First up is the coaching career of Jeff Fisher. According to Laura, Fisher would have absolutely secured that losing record if the Rams hadn't intervened.
Big CatJeff Fisher would have broken the all-time NFL loss record if he hadn't been fired
Coach Fisher was one loss shy of the record... speaking with his career, was he going to ever get that record even though it was cut short? [Psychic Laura: 'Absolutely'] He was. It's good to know that if given the time, he would have been successful failing with the losses.
In a shocking twist, the spirit world also seemingly confirmed that another veteran quarterback is reaching the end of the line.
PFT CommenterCarson Palmer's NFL career is dead
[Psychic Laura says 'Palmer'] Carson Palmer's career is dead. That actually makes a lot of sense. I barely even know.
PFT also finally gets some closure on Larry 1, the goldfish. It turns out Larry might have been overfed, and Laura points the finger directly at PFT. We also learned that the PMT office is haunted by a ghost that wants to inhabit the body of a 'strong and good-looking' man, so Big Cat is officially done working out for the foreseeable future.
Segments
In Protect the Shield, the guys discuss the MLB's new ban on rookie hazing that involves dressing up as women. PFT sees this as a direct hit to the country's foundational values.
PFT CommenterThe ban on rookie hazing is killing masculinity in this country
Well, I see where Major League Baseball is coming from, but the fact that they're not letting guys dress up like girls is killing masculinity in this country. It's just sick.
LeBron James is back in the spotlight for killing yet another meme, this time a Home Alone mortgage joke. Big Cat is tired of the King turning everything into a sanitized corporate product.
Big CatLeBron James is the 'Disney' of the NBA and corny as fuck
He's the Disney of the world. He's the Disney of the NBA. He's the Disney of memes. He makes everything corny as fuck.
Spin Zone heads to Boca Raton, where Lane Kiffin has taken the FAU job. Big Cat thinks the location is a brilliant move for a man who needs to stay out of trouble with other people's wives.
Big CatLane Kiffin took the FAU job in Boca Raton as 'self-limiting behavior' because the women there are too old to hit on
Here's my spin zone for Lane Kiffin taking this job in Boca Raton. If he wants to go fuck any guy's wife, it's probably like a 100-year-old woman, so he's not going to do it. It's kind of like self-limiting behavior... Lane Kiffin's not going to go to a place where he just wants to cuck every dude he sees. It's like if you're an alcoholic, go take a job in Utah.
To wrap up the show, the guys share some drunken ideas and train thoughts. PFT has a plan for ultimate respect for your children, while Hank wants to become a New York City street performer known as 'Hanksy.'
PFT CommenterName your kid 'Coach' so they are respected by peers and have job security
Name your kid coach. Why not just give your son, our daughter, the name coach? That way they're respected by all their peers. If they're playing sports growing up, you're taught to respect your coach, and you also are immune to being fired unless you really, really, really suck at your job.
HankI could make a lot of money as a 'Hanksy' street performer playing bad music as performance art
I just want to set up one of those musical sets but play really bad music and just make people think it's an art piece and see how much money I can make. You're doing a live Banksy. You're doing a Hanksy... Just stand there and just do [a didgeridoo] over and over again. I think people move so fast in New York, they would be like, oh, this guy's pretty genius.
Big Cat ends with his vision for the future of the MTA, which involves an incentive program for people who just can't hold it in.
Big CatThe subway should have a 'fart car' with a discounted monthly pass
There should be a discounted train pass for a fart car. But would you not pay like 50% less a month on your train pass if – but you can only ride in the fart car?
Just remember that if you have ever had chicken pox, you already have shingles inside you and you're basically a walking biological clock.
