Takes

The Houston Rockets will win over 44 games this season

Hank, give me Houston's number. I'm going to take the over regardless of what it is. 44. Mike D'Antoni's first year, and they got rid of Dwight Howard, and they're moving James Harden to the point. That team's going to score like 120 points a game. I'm way over.

The Memphis Grizzlies will lose in six games in the first round of the playoffs

I have a prediction for the Grizzlies. They're going to play really good defense and lose in six games in the first round.

The Celtics will win under 52.5 games because expectations are too high

I'm taking the under on the Celtics. 52.5 feels like too much. It feels like they're going to be a fine team, but it feels more like a 48-49 win team.

The take that the NFL 'sucks' right now is becoming too mainstream and annoying

My hot seat: People who say the NFL sucks. I'm done with it. We were kind of early to it... Now it's become a little too mainstream. People saying the Seahawks-Cardinals game sucked. That game was amazing... I still love the NFL. I'm sick of it. I'm back on Roger Goodell's side.

Dwight Howard will become lovable again during his time in Atlanta

I think Dwight Howard's going to get lovable again. I think he's going to be like the guy he was in Orlando. I think he's going to be chill. I think the Atlanta fans don't expect him to lead them to a title. So I think everyone's kind of on the same lily pad right now.

There will be no more national anthem protests in the NBA this season

I don't think we're going to see any. We've seen some like link to arms... but their sort of take is, great, Colin Kaepernick, they're pretty supportive of what he did as a group... but they need to do our own thing. And they've been trying to find sort of actual, you know, whether it's town halls... doing things like that that they think can make a real world impact.

James Harden will win the NBA MVP because he doesn't have to play defense

I'm taking James Harden because of the Mikey D thing. He's just like, James, don't worry about defense. Which, like, James Harden doesn't worry about defense anyway... I think if you eliminate that 5% of his brain that worries about defense, his offensive numbers are going to be so crazy.

The Cubs celebration for winning the NL pennant was maybe a little too much

I actually do think that the celebration was maybe a little too much, to be honest. I feel like, I mean, it was an unbelievable night, a night I'll never forget, but there definitely was a feeling like this is the greatest moment when still got the World Series to win.

The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series in four or five games

I got to go Cubs. I think it's going to be Cubs too. I think it's going to be four or five games.

The Cubs will win the World Series in seven games

I'm going to say Cubs in seven. The Indians are tougher than you think, man. They're pretty good. The tough thing with the Indians is if they get a lead on you with Shaw and then obviously Miller can go two innings and Cody Allen. So basically if they get through five innings with a lead, you're in bad shape.

Trevor Bauer's teammates are likely talking behind his back about his drone injury

I think they're more mad than they would lead on. Like they would probably say, Hey man, nothing, no big deal, but then you get the guys behind closed doors that are probably talking a lot of shit about him.

The Cubs bats woke up because they started playing 'small ball' like Mike Scioscia

I think that the Cubs won because they finally listened to me and started playing some small ball. It's called foreplay, and Joe Maddon finally figured out you've got to get to first before you get to home plate. And instead of hitting home runs, they finally learned to build a rally with some bunts, some stolen bases. I call it socialism for Mike Scioscia.

There will definitely be a Game 7 in the Cubs-Dodgers NLCS

There's going to be game seven. That's all I'm saying. I want the Cubs to win. I'm on record, but there's going to be game seven.

Russell Wilson becoming a father will ruin the Seahawks' season

I feel like the pressure of becoming a new father might turn the Seahawks season around for the worse. [Russell Wilson] was firing off... firing on all cylinders.

Matt Barkley only has an NFL job because he is 6'3" and looks good in shorts

Matt Barkley is still in the nfl proving my theory that if you're like six three played at a big time college and look good in shorts someone will give you a job

NFL Week 7 of 2016 is an 'Apple Picking Weekend' for fans with significant others

The slate, by the way, is so bad... This is an apple-picking weekend. If you have a significant other, if you have a girlfriend, if you have a boyfriend, it's 2016, if you have a wife, whatever you got... This is when you say, 'hey honey, I was thinking maybe we could go to the farm and get some cider donuts and do some apple picking.' Boom. You missed the worst slate. That's apple picking.

Team Australia went into the 2016 Olympics believing they could beat Team USA

I think we went in believing we could beat them [Team USA]. And I think we showed that, you know, we had the opportunities to. And we're a team that had played together for a lot of years. And I think that counts for something.

Dez Bryant did not actually cut his finger making soup

I have a feeling he wasn't making soup. I have a feeling he cut his finger doing something else. Are we staying woke on this one? This seems a little sus, as Hank would say.

Squirrel tail circumference predicts the length of winter

You look at the squirrel's tail, the circumference of a squirrel's tail will tell you how long the winter's going to be... That's a little farmer's almanac trick for you.

Joe Maddon belongs in the American League

Two things about Joe Maddon. Number one, he's obviously an American League manager... he clearly belongs in the AL.

Small ball wins in the playoffs

Cubs were a tremendous – they are a tremendous power-hitting team. Are they not? Small ball wins in the playoffs. Bunt, steal bases. Bunt, repeat. Contact, repent, repeat.

Mike Brown is the ultimate hot seat guy and a sacrificial lamb for the Warriors

Mike Brown's the ultimate hot seat guy. And I actually like this move by the Warriors, by Steve Kerr. Got to have a hot seat guy around. So if Kevin Durant starts to falter, if this team, this super team doesn't do so well, Mike Brown's going to be the first to go. Also, Mike Brown is a sacrificial lamb. He stumbles out of bed every morning on the hot seat.

UConn football doesn't move the needle

UConn football, I don't give a fuck about. I'll just be honest about that. UConn football doesn't move the needle here.

It is hard to bench a backup quarterback like Brian Hoyer if he is playing well

It would be very hard for me to make a switch. I would go anywhere. Not only me. Now, I know people are going to criticize that. I'm not against Jay [Cutler]. I'm saying when you've got a guy playing his... If he wasn't playing well, I'd say, okay. People say, well, he's just a journeyman. Well, maybe he found... Maybe this is the end of the journey. Maybe he found home.

Aaron Rodgers is a nerd

Well, we know he's a nerd. Princess Bride is his favorite movie. Name me a nerd that won the Super Bowl.

The shelf life for an NFL coach in one spot is about ten years

Mike McCarthy in general, hey, man, he's been here 10 years. And Bill Walsh always said, you know, you're in the same place for 10 years. That's kind of your shelf life as an NFL coach. So, I don't know. Maybe his message is getting stale.

Curt Schilling loses his man card for needing his wife's permission to run for Senate

Curt Schilling said today that he is running for the U.S. Senate. He's made his decision. He's going to run, but he hasn't talked to his wife yet. And, yeah, he has to ask her permission... Man card on Curt. Hand over your man card.

Dak Prescott has to stay as the starting quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys

Dak Prescott has to stay as the starting quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. Tony Romo waits in the wings, but is reminded yet again that Dak lives matter in the Big D.

The Carolina Panthers' season is over

The Carolina Panthers season is over. They make a batch of bathtub Ted Ginn Jr. and the Panthers season continues to tank array.

The Cubs are going to win the World Series

When I wake up on Monday morning, I will get back to being confident about this Cubs team. Right now, Cubs are going to win the World Series.

Harry Caray would beat Vin Scully in a fight because he couldn't feel pain

[Harry Caray wins in a fight against Vin Scully]. Harry Caray. Couldn't feel pain. Too drunk... Well, you know, I'm not going to be the one to say that.

I will probably retire from broadcasting in about 15 years

Vince Scully is in his 67th and final year here. Subtract about 30 years from that. And then, yeah, so we're like in the upper 30s... I may just go do something else.

When Ben Roethlisberger tries to play through injury, he actually ends up hurting the Steelers

Ben's a tough motherfucker. But at the end of the day, he always hurts his team. He was awful today. He threw two interceptions. He was 19 for 34, and they lost to the Dolphins.

I want the Cubs to keep winning just to keep Big Cat in a state of 'happiness edging' without winning the World Series

I want the Cubs to keep winning. I don't want the Cubs to win the World Series, but it's not because I want to see you in pain. I like it when you're this happy. I just want it to keep extending and extending. But I just don't want to see you ever reach that goal. You need to edge for about nine more months until spring training.

Mike McCoy is the most generic-looking white dude who probably goes to Jimmy Buffett concerts

Mike McCoy is the most generic-ass looking white dude. He's a guy that your dad plays golf with... McCoy just looks like a guy that spends too much time in the sun and has eight Salt Life shirts and goes to a Jimmy Buffett concert every fall, and that's his one vacation for the kids.

Limp Bizkit is the most famous thing to come out of Jacksonville

I mean, [Limp Bizkit] are by far the most famous thing to come out of Jacksonville for sure, right?

Work parties suck and nothing good can come from them

Work parties fucking suck. Can I just say that? Work parties suck. There's nothing good that can come from a work party. Everyone's like, oh, yeah, holiday party. Someone's going to get drunk. Someone's going to puke. Someone's going to be embarrassed. Someone might lose their job.

Tonic water is straight garbage

The number one worst non-alcoholic drink. It's tonic water. Tonic water is straight garbage. If I see anybody drinking that in my presence, it makes me want to hurl.

The Indians logo is back on the hot seat because the team is actually winning

Hot seat, Indians logo. They're going to be in the ALCS, and that means the Indians logo is going to be on the hot seat again... If you stay bad, no one cares that your logo is offensive.

Dak Prescott might have won the Cowboys' starting job for good

Dak Prescott might have won that job. And if Tony Romo doesn't play, he doesn't get injured.

Double Stuf Oreos are the only real 'regular' Oreos

Double Stuf are legitimate regular Oreos. Old school Oreos are definitely diet Oreos. These thin Oreos that people are trying to say are already diet Oreos? No. Those just aren't real.

Sam Bradford will eventually suck and prove me right for criticizing the trade

I'll be right in the long term on that one. Okay. How about that? ... But what I will say is that one day Sam Bradford's going to suck, and then I will be sure to let you know about it then.

The Cubs are going to win the World Series as long as nothing crazy happens

They're the best team at baseball. As long as nothing crazy happens, they're going to win the World Series.

Oregon will be back on top of college football in four years when Chip Kelly returns

I'm going to call my shot. I'm going to say Oregon's going to win. If we can do like four years to call who's back, in four years Oregon's going to be back to being back. ... When they get Chip Kelly back, right?

Real life in the NFL is way more wild than the show 'Ballers'

Oh, no. Are you kidding me? Real life is way worse than that. In fact, half the stuff you know went down in the NFL. If I went to the producers of Ballers and said, hey, man, I got a great storyline for you. If this actually happened, they'd say, Glaze, are you out of your damn mind? Nobody would ever believe that.

Kyle Long is the strongest and most violent athlete I have ever trained

That is the strongest, most violent individual who's ever put his hands on me in my entire life. And that includes the Chuck Liddells and the Dan Andersons and the Randy Coutures. I mean, it's not even close, dude.

True locker room talk is just men wondering why the old guy won't put on a towel

The real, if people want to know what real locker room talk is around America, locker room talk is basically just an inner monologue saying, why is that old guy not put a towel around his body? Like, why do I got to look at that old guy's dick?

The Boston Red Sox are dead

It is Friday, October 7th, and the Boston Red Sox are dead. They're not dead, but Buck Showalter had to be very confused watching Terry Francona manage that game because Andrew Miller and Cody Allen pitched 40 pitches each.

The Red Sox regret getting rid of Terry Francona

Hank, do you think that the Red Sox are regretting getting rid of Terry Francona? No. I'm going to be the first to say that they are. That's definitely a conversation that needs to happen in America starting now.

Chip Kelly will be the head coach at Oregon within two years

Chip Kelly back to Oregon... yeah, because they're in some turmoil. Lost three games in a row. Silicon Valley to Nike Town. So I think that's definitely going to happen. But it's not going to happen for another two years.