Takes

The Redskins are trash

I got the Vikings. I have the Ravens. I think the Redskins are trash. Trash. Our words.

I want to play the Mets in the postseason for revenge

Definitely I would like to play the Mets... i didn't miss out on this series i would like to play them again. okay i i agree i'd like a little revenge as well

Theo Epstein is more intimidating than Tom Ricketts

Who is more intimidating when they come walking around the clubhouse, Ricketts or Theo? I would say Theo. What about Jed? Jed has some intimidation factor, but he's just kind of like a little bit short.

Mississippi State must beat Auburn to have a chance at a bowl game

Mississippi State football because they're at home in Starkville and they have to beat Auburn to go to a bowl game I think... at 11 a.m. I'll be sitting in the stadium ringing the cowbell and hopefully helping Mississippi State beat Auburn.

Cubs fans should be scared of Madison Bumgarner in the NLDS

Man, I don't know. I'm scared for the Cubs. I'm serious. The problem with playing the Giants for the Cubs' sake is you really need to win the first two games. Ideal situation would be not going back to San Francisco in a 1-1 series and having to face Bumgarner.

In a one-game win-or-die scenario, Clayton Kershaw is the best choice

if you had one game to win and you could have your pick of, let's call it Scherzer, Arrieta, and Kershaw, who are you taking? Kershaw, no doubt. Yeah, but you're friends with him. Yeah, so.

Jake Arrieta is spraying his fastball around more than usual and is cause for worry

I'm a little worried about the way he's throwing the ball. It seems a little wild... he just seems kind of spraying his – it seems to me he sprays his fastball around a little more than usual... it's led to him getting into more like two and three, one counts.

Kyle Hendricks will do really well in the postseason

Kyle Hendricks obviously had an unbelievable season. The playoffs are a different beast... Should I be worried at all about that? No, he will do. He's going to do really well... he's added a little bit to his arsenal... He's going to be good.

The Rangers' stadium really sucks

That stadium in Texas really sucks. I don't like it. It's just, I just don't like, I don't know, I don't like the setup. Yeah, I mean, the fans always sing, I don't know, it wasn't the toughest place to pitch.

The pressure for male TV announcers to have full heads of hair is messed up

Joe Buck has come out and said that he was addicted to hair plant surgery and almost lost his career... I think that's fucked up, the pressure that we put on our male announcers to look good for the camera. Always be looking good.

Buck Showalter is a moron for not using Zach Britton in the Wild Card game

Buck Showalter is a moron. Or Zach Britton's hurt. We're all sitting here wondering why Ubaldo Jimenez with his 5.44 ERA was pitching. Zach Britton, his ERA, .54. Best in the big leagues. And he was being saved for game two. Either Zach Britton is hurt or he's just saving him for some random game that doesn't exist.

Toronto has the best atmosphere for baseball playoff games because they act like hockey fans

I love Toronto's atmosphere for these games. It feels like the Thunderdome, Terrordome, the Coliseum, if you will, best of the best. They are a bunch of hockey fans watching a baseball game.

Every lunch order is just a different variation of a sandwich

Panini, sandwich, wrap, sub. Those are my power rankings for lunch. Because if you haven't realized by now that you just eat any kind of form of sandwich for lunch every day, you're an idiot.

The creepy clown sightings across the US are fake videos staged for views

I really dove into the clowns. They're all fake. It's all videos of people recording themselves driving. When in your life have you recorded yourself driving? It's them trying to turn around, freaking out like a bear is coming at them, and then the video stops right before the clown comes at the door. Until the clowns take action, I'm woke.

The 2016 creepy clown sightings are a viral marketing stunt for the movie 'It'

What's behind all of this is that Stephen King's movie It is coming out in a couple months. They're doing a remake of it. That's it then.

The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series

I love him to death [Addison Russell], and he's going to win a World Series.

Mike McCoy needs to be fired by the Chargers

Hot seat, Mike McCoy. Someone needs to fire Mike McCoy. It's incredible. He's 23-29. He's on his fourth year. They were up 34-21 with six minutes left against the Saints. Week one they were up 27-10 with 11 minutes left. Someone put Mike McCoy out of his misery.

Bill Belichick is on the cool throne because the Patriots losing shows they actually need him to coach

Bill Belichick is now cool throne because they lost the game with Brisket [Jacoby Brissett], so they actually do need a coach. So it's not just the machine that can go on autopilot.

The NFL will likely face a strike or lockout during the next CBA negotiations

I think there's a good chance, because I think the players don't want to give anything to the league. They don't want to give something big to the NFL in exchange for stripping Goodell of the judge, jury, executioner powers. And the other thing is going to be guaranteed contracts. Aaron Rodgers said it adamantly to me, absolutely guaranteed contracts.

The NFL should move to shorter, fully guaranteed contracts for players

In my opinion, I think the NFL should sign players to shorter contracts and guaranteed contracts. You're a battering ram. These guys basicially have two years left on a contract, but it's not guaranteed, so they just walk away.

The Bears will move on from Jay Cutler in the offseason

I think they ought to give Jay Cutler a gold watch, say thanks for everything. We've got to move on. He'll start somewhere next year. I believe that they tried very hard to get Marcus Mariota.

Washington football is officially back.

Washington [Huskies] might be back. Well, they like to say like, oh yeah, Washington went to that Rose Bowl like 25 years ago.

Tennessee is a lucky team that will eventually run out of luck.

Tennessee has been the Les Miles team this year. Les was good for a really long time, but then he would have four or five games that he had no business winning, that he would luck into. And then, like, you get off to a hot start, and then your luck runs out, and when it runs out, it runs out hard. Real hard.

Carson Palmer has 'turned back into a pumpkin' and is no longer elite.

Turns out Carson Palmer... Turned back into a pumpkin. It struck midnight, and Carson Palmer turned back into a glass slipper.

Trevor Siemian was 'Wally Pipped' by Paxton Lynch.

Also, did Trevor Siemian just get Wally Pipped? Ooh. I think he did. He got Wally Pipped by Bill Paxton Lynch. Put him in a twister.

Jeff Fisher will lose his next two games because the Rams are in L.A.

Jeff Fisher is losing his next two games now that the Rams are in L.A. Hollywood Jeff is going to be reading the dailies. He's going to see his name and variety. And he's like 3-1, 3-1. I know another team from Golden State that was 3-1 not too long ago.

Wearing black jerseys is a guaranteed loss for Georgia football.

It's when we pull the black jerseys out. If we pull the black jerseys out, it's a guaranteed L, so we need to stay away from that.

Dwyane Wade is the Heat's greatest player of all time, over LeBron James.

I think that Dwyane Wade was our best player of all time, obviously. [LeBron James] gave us two rings, even though he promised eight or seven. But Dwyane Wade was our best player.

A small part of me is afraid of what happens to my identity if the Cubs actually win the World Series.

There's like a 1% of my brain that doesn't fully know what to do if the Cubs actually won the World Series. If they don't win, our identity is still intact. I'm the dog chasing a car and I don't know what I would do if I caught it.

Next year will finally be the year Ryan Tannehill makes the leap

I think next year is the year that Ryan Tannehill is really going to make that leap. Yep. They need to give him a couple more extensions, really show they have faith in him, and then eventually he'll blossom.

I am confident enough in the Cubs to book flights for the NLCS early

We are booking our flights to go to Chicago for NLCS game one and two. No chance this backfires on you at all. No chance.

A Mike Greenberg solo show would be a four-hour suicide note of unathletic stories

Can you just imagine four hours of Greeny? ... It actually just might be really depressing to have a guy just making fun of how unathletic he is for four hours. You need that Golic balance. ... Now it's just going to be one long suicide note. It's just going to be him being like, I was not good at sports in high school.

J.J. Watt needs to wear a surgery cone so he doesn't re-injure himself working too hard

The bottom line is J.J. Watt needs a cone around his head like you give to a dog after surgery because he's so anxious to prove what a hard work he is. This is what it's all about. He rushed back from a back surgery so he could be like, oh, I'm a big, tough guy.

There should be a 'Walking Awareness Month' in the NFL

Why isn't there a walking awareness month in the NFL? Walking injures more people statistically. People die all the time walking in front of cars. Drunk walking. Yeah, but they die walking. There should be walking awareness month if Roger Goodell truly cares about his fans.

IPAs create man boobs

Fun fact, IPAs create man boobs, and that's why I'm going to get breast cancer someday.

Lane Kiffin will get a head coaching job and be fired within a year

My hot seat is going to be Lane Kiffin. He's probably going to get a head coaching job after this year. It seems about time. And that immediately puts him back on the hot seat because he'll get fired within a year.

The Patriots are definitely winning the Super Bowl this year

You think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl? Sure. Come on. Don't say sure. Just say yes or no. Yes. I mean, how could they not?

Coach O would be an awesome cult leader

I don't know, but it sounds like Coach O would be an awesome cult leader.

The Chicago Bears are the worst team in the NFL

The Bears are the worst team in the NFL... No, they are. I said that. It was a definitive statement I said.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially 'back'

The U is back. Of Miami. Okay. The U is back. They have three huge wins against Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, and Appalachian State. So 3-0 to start the season. I think they're definitely back.

LSU will win their first game under Ed Orgeron because of the 'interim coach boost'

There's no chance that LSU doesn't win their next game. Coach O, he's the fiery guy.

Wawa is significantly better than Sheetz

I prefer Wawa over Sheetz, but I'm not knocking Sheetz at all... Wawa is just a part of me. So when you go there and you eat it, it just tastes right.

Brock Osweiler sucks

And Brock Osweiler, holy shit, I think he sucks. I don't know if that's like that vaunted Bill Belichick scheme on defense or whatever it is, but he certainly looked like a kindergartner, a really tall kindergartner out there.

Do not schedule North Dakota State because they will stomp you

Do not schedule the [Bison] because they will stomp you if you do. Add Iowa to the list of teams that have gone down to the Bison. Now Minnesota, Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State, Iowa... have all been beaten and stomped on by the Bison.

Deadspin under Univision ownership will not change as much as people think

I do not think that Deadspin under Univision will change as much as people think. The question will be, will the guys who are running Deadspin now stick around for the long haul or will there be a sort of an editorial change? But I don't think Univision bought Deadspin not to have Deadspin.

ESPN's future is secure despite cord-cutting

ESPN is a billion-dollar machine. They are not in trouble at all in terms of long-term standing... I think eventually we will get to a point where you will be able to purchase ESPN Singular on whatever device you use... they're still going to get millions and millions of people to make that purchase.

Terrelle Pryor is the Cleveland Browns' best quarterback option because everyone else will get injured

So they asked him if he was going to be willing to play quarterback because obviously if you're a Cleveland Browns quarterback, it's like being in the movie Final Destination. They've already lost two. They've got [Cody] Kessler. So Kessler is going to get hurt this weekend, too. And they said, Terrell, would you play? And he goes, I cut my finger off for the team.

Whoever wins the NL Wild Card will beat the Cubs

No one wants to win this wild card spot which means whoever wins is going to beat the Cubs... God damn it. I actually can't have that thought right now.

Mike McCarthy cycles play-calling duties annually just to avoid being held accountable for failure

Every year I feel like Mike McCarthy either gives up play calling or gets play calling back. If you move the play calling stick around, then nobody's really at fault.

Apple purposefully sabotages old iPhones to force consumers to upgrade

Once Apple starts coming out with the new phones, they make the old phones break by playing Beach Boys, doing all these kinds of things. It's brilliant, but it's total disregard for the consumers.