Takes

The Rams would win if both teams played a perfect game because they have more talent

I'm stuck with the same thought over and over. The Rams are the more talented team. But the Patriots, at the end of the day, it's still Brady and Belichick. If they both play perfect games, I think the Rams will win because they have more talent overall.

Picking the Patriots is the 'integrity' pick to avoid gambling embarrassment

The first thing you want to do is obviously pick a winner. The second thing you want to do is make sure you don't get embarrassed. So I guess my official pick would be the Patriots because I feel like when you get to the end of the game, it will be embarrassing if you have the Rams and the Patriots do what they've always done.

Dan Marino didn't like us — he's not a real friendly guy

Let's just say Dan Marino didn't like us. He's not a real friendly guy.

I guess 'pure passer' means I throw better than anybody? I guess?

Yeah. I guess I throw better than anybody. You got that spiral? How's that? Yeah, I guess. Got that nice, tight, tight spiral? I guess that's what it's supposed to mean.

Dan Marino's 1984 season is the greatest quarterback season in NFL history

That 1984 season — I actually would say is the best season for a quarterback just because of the era and everything involved. You had 48 touchdowns, which was 16 more than anyone else.

Retired QBs aren't secretly happy when their replacements stink — I'm a Dolphin for life

No, you know what? That's no. I'm a dolphin for life. I always wanted them to do well. I really did.

I take full credit for Jim Carrey's career

So it really wasn't about me. It was about what I did for Jim Carrey, because if it wasn't for me, no one would know who Jim Carrey is. That's kind of how I take all full credit for Jim Carrey's career.

I wear a hat in public as a service to others so they don't have to look at my balding head

I wear a hat for the benefit of other people because I don't like looking at balding heads. So that's why I wear a hat because I don't want anybody else to have to look at my balding head.

The Monday after the Super Bowl should be a federal holiday

We all are in agreement, obviously, that the Monday after the Super Bowl should be a federal holiday. Correct. Move President's Day. Abraham Lincoln's dead. He won't care. I promise. He probably would have been a big football fan.

Todd Gurley lacks commitment to his potential pet cats

He's been engaged to getting a cat for way too long. People are starting to ask questions, Todd. They're saying, is this wedding ever going to happen? Lack of commitment from Todd Gurley.

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James

I think MJ's better. [LeBron] is one of those crybabies. Yes, I do.

I was legally arrested at Super Bowl Opening Night

According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary, the definition of arrest is to take or keep in custody by authority of law. Boom. I was arrested.

I will announce a 100-day boycott of the NFL after the Super Bowl

I'm going to announce my annual 100-day boycott of the NFL, minus the combine draft.

FaceTiming is terrible and no one over the age of 22 wants to do it

If you're over the age of 22, you never want to take the FaceTime. FaceTiming is terrible.

I will not view the Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team

I'm going to say something right now. It's bullshit, and I will not let it stand... I will not view the Los Angeles Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team. Asterix on all of it.

You have to be a world-class dumbass not to tamper in the NBA

I would say that you'd have to be a world-class dumbass not to tamper in the NBA. If you're not tampering, you are dumber than a pile of rocks.

Musical artists like Bon Jovi should only play the hits and not new stuff

John [Bon Jovi]'s like, what do you think of the new stuff? And I'm like, what new stuff? ... I tell people this all the time. Play the hits. Give the people what they want. You get on a treadmill. I don't want to listen to new stuff.

The Patriots' intermediate level of coverage is their biggest weakness

Probably the intermediate level of coverage, whether it's linebackers, safeties down, the speed in the middle of the field... And if you lock them up, man... It's Cooks, you know, and these guys are going to have the ability to blow by you.

Colin Kaepernick will eventually get Baseball Hall of Fame votes as a contributor to the game

Colin Kaepernick hasn't been offered a job in baseball... As a contributor to the game, I think he would get Hall of Fame [votes].

Everyone must watch the Super Bowl

You can't not watch the Super Bowl. Like, you can't... In two weeks' time, you're going to want that football back. Don't take it for granted.

The Pro Bowl has reached a point where it is more fun to joke about than to actually watch

I think it's reached a point where it stinks so bad that it's more fun to joke about the Pro Bowl.

The NFL must move the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii to make it enjoyable again

They really need to bring the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii. There's just something about it. When you get everyone in, you know, you get the Maui surf and people wearing Hawaiian shirts and everyone getting laid. And it's just something about the Hawaii stadium. It just brings out Pro Bowl fun games.

Taysom Hill should be a permanent Pro Bowl fixture because he plays with maximal effort

They should have sent Taysom Hill to the Pro Bowl because he would have just gone balls out the entire time. There always needs to be like one asshole trying way, way, way too hard.

I am officially a SpongeBob SquarePants fan because the show is highly allegorical

I am definitely a SpongeBob fan. It's very allegorical. ... [The episode with Squidward] was basically like your inner child losing. Everyone should stop being like Squidward and start being more like Patrick Starfish.

If attacked by a black bear, you should defend yourself and hope it stops biting you

If an attack is imminent and it's a big bear, a black bear, you're going to defend yourself. ... I would defend myself and hope it would stop biting me. ... I just don't want him to eat me.

Steve Wilks was treated unfairly by the Cardinals and should have been given more than one season

I think it is the fact that a lot of it... I don't like seeing is what happened in Arizona. Because Coach [Steve] Wilks is a good person. And he's a good man. And he needs to be given more opportunity than what he got. One year. Especially when you go into a roster like that.

Early morning NFL meetings are counterproductive for millennial players who don't sleep

Today's guys don't sleep. And so if you're a young head coach and you're listening to this program, don't start your meetings at six. Start your meetings at nine. ... After having breakfast, you get them up six and get breakfast seven, they're done.

Southern Californian referees conspired to help the Rams win the NFC Championship

Four of the refs, NFC Championship game, were from Southern California, where the LA Rams reside. ... They waited their whole life for the Rams to come back to LA. Then they were like, 'now's our time to strike.' Then they struck.

Paper straws suck and companies need to find better technology

Paper straws suck. Sorry. We all agree. Paper straws suck. Someone figure out the technology. Otherwise, we're going to keep using the plastic.

Jon Gruden uses helmet stickers at the Senior Bowl because he can't remember players' names

Jon Gruden clearly is doing this because he can't remember anyone so he's like... just marking everyone with a Raider tag because he was not going to remember who he liked or not.

The Rams and Saints were equal enough that the NFC Championship outcome wasn't a total travesty

Maybe it's not better team won, but they couldn't have been more equal in my mind. So I'm not feeling like it was this huge travesty... If they played 10 times, they would go 5-5 probably.

Carson Wentz is the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth

Carson Wentz is like the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth, bro... I limit my time around Carson Wentz because he makes me feel bad about myself. He makes me feel bad about myself by being awesome.

Alshon Jeffery is the best receiver I have ever played with

In my opinion, [Alshon Jeffery] is the best receiver I've played with. I mean, he is automatic... when I say Alshon is the best receiver, I'm talking about number one, go up and get it, you throw him the ball, he just picks on people.

Bill Belichick is the best at adapting his game plan mid-season and mid-game

One thing that Bill does a great job of is he adapts. He adapts not only at the beginning of each season, but he'll adapt going into a game. He's great at identifying [strengths and weaknesses].

Aaron Donald is the perfect football player and the baddest dude in the NFL

This kid's the perfect football player. Perfect. It's like they made him in a Petri dish... In my opinion, he's the baddest dude in the NFL as far as just being a badass.

Rob Gronkowski is as good or better at blocking now than he has ever been

It seems like [Rob Gronkowski] is as good, if not better, than he's ever been at blocking somehow.

The NFL should host the Super Bowl in Miami, New Orleans, or Vegas every single year

You'll also get one or two people saying the Super Bowl should be in Miami or New Orleans every year. Which I agree. Every year. I actually agree with that. 100% agree.

The Brandin Cooks revenge game is a 2.5 out of 10 in terms of interesting storylines

How about this for maybe, I'd say, a two and a half out of ten in terms of revenge games? The Brandin Cooks revenge game. Can't really get myself up for that one... Anyone who says Brandin Cooks revenge game, it's like, eh, really?

Drew Lock is an alpha male because he gave a reporter double finger guns and a wink

Drew Lock also had the most masculine moment of all time during his press conference today... Reporters were asking him questions. They started asking him how important it is to get his lower body into his throws. And in the middle of the question, he gave him the double finger guns and the wink... This dude is an alpha.

The Netflix Fyre Fest documentary is more entertaining than the Hulu version

The Hulu one has the advantage because the whole mastermind of the Fyre Festival, Billy McFarland, is in it... I find the Netflix one, though, more entertaining. I think it's because it may have been the footage or the editing which really tells you something because they don't even have the guy in it.

Most people are not inherently trying to deceive or screw others over in daily life

I still would like to believe that most people don't wake up trying to find a way to deceive everybody as they interact with in society. These [Fyre Fest] stories get publicized... but I don't really blame the person for just having the faith that, hey, if they're putting on this massive festival... this is an awesome sort of scam.

Caitlin and Hannah B from The Bachelor are manipulative liars

The beef between two former pageant girls. Caitlin and Hannah B. heated up as they accused each other of being manipulative liars. So this was, you know, they had the one-on-one dates and they were spending the time on their one-on-one dates talking shit about the other girl.

You should run away from anyone who describes themselves as 'normal'

After, she [Caitlin] said she's pretty normal, lives a pretty normal life, and likes to hang out with her friends. That's what you say when you're not normal, by the way... Anyone, if you ask them, like, what are you like? If they reply normal, run the opposite direction.

Andy Reid's clock management in overtime was baffling and classic Andy Reid

I still don't understand Andy Reid, and I don't want to blame, you know, do the timeout thing, but you have three timeouts in overtime that can't end in a tie... And he let his defense just die out there without calling one timeout, whether it be at a third and ten, whether it be when the Patriots get to the goal line. It was baffling to see... That happened. I guess it wasn't really baffling because that's Andy Reid.

The Saints' championship window is likely closing, whereas the Chiefs' run is just getting started.

The losses are not equal because the NFC Championship game, that's probably it. It's close to it for Drew Brees and Sean Payton, those Saints. For the Chiefs, it feels like this is just getting started.

NFL coaches who sing along with the national anthem are cursed to lose their games.

Both of the coaches who sang along with the national anthem lost today... Patriotism on the hot seat. It was Peyton and Andy Reid. Why did we not have a microphone satellite dish right in Andy Reid's face while he was singing along?

Any play the Saints run without Drew Brees under center is a disservice to the team

Anytime you snap the football without Drew Brees under center you're doing your team a disservice. I get it, there's some fun things you can do with Taysom Hill... But, like, it was seriously every fifth or sixth play, like, oh, we haven't had Taysom Hill. Let's get him in there. What are you doing? Just play the Rams straight up, and you'd probably win that game.

Soulja Boy had the biggest comeback in the rap industry in 2018

My who's back of the week is... Big Draco, Soulja Boy... he claimed he had the biggest comeback in 2018, which he probably did. He's got a video game console... First rapper with a console. Huge difference. He's back. He's going to have a huge 2019.

Modern NBA players are too friendly because they all grew up together in AAU and camps

Back in my day, like, everybody was mean, dude... I think that times evolve times change... if I was playing in those last five years, I can look and see that there were 30 guys who've been to my camp that are in the NBA. They were little kids in my camp. So why wouldn't we be friends, right? ... we didn't grow up on the same AAU team in people's basketball camp.

UCLA should hire a young coach who cares about the school rather than Rick Pitino

I think for UCLA it's actually a golden opportunity for them to be smart like the Rams, right? Go get a young dude who cares... who wants to be there for a long time... [Big Cat]: Rick Pitino? [Baron Davis]: No... If you want hookers in the locker room, this is L.A. Imagine what he was doing in Louisville... We don't need Rick Pitino, man.