Takes

Darren Rovell is pretending to be a gambler for his new brand

We should actually make a new segment, Darren Rovell trying to pretend like he's gambled before. It's always like, imagine talking to the dude who had the under in this game. No, I can't. I literally can't.

The Bengals and Marvin Lewis are staying together for the kids

The Bengals and Marvin Lewis are staying together for the kids. And they're in a loveless relationship. That's okay. They don't fight in public. They don't kiss on the lips anymore. That's fine.

College basketball's five-foul rule is bullshit

He's saying the five fouls are bullshit. Well, guess what? It is. Fix it. Yeah, it is bullshit. It makes the game way less enjoyable to see a star player get subbed out in the first half after like 10 minutes.

Eli Manning is a more deserving Hall of Famer than Ben Roethlisberger

I think I'm convinced, though, to have Eli [Manning] over [Ben Roethlisberger]. I mean, Ben did have the lowest quarterback rating of all time in a Super Bowl victory.

A McGregor fight is for money, but I fight for legacy

Conor is the best for money fight... If you fight Conor, it's for money fight. I have money. I'm not really interested by money. It's more legacy. When I fight someone, it's because I want to have what he has.

It is harder to stay champion than to become champion

It's hard to be champion, but it's much harder to stay champion. Because when you're a champion, you're up there. Everybody's been studying your game for a long, long time. You only see that guy, you study that guy for maybe a few months. But him, he's been watching you for many years. So he had a lot more time to download your data than you did.

Conor McGregor broke mentally against Khabib Nurmagomedov

Conor [McGregor] broke mentally into that fight [against Khabib Nurmagomedov]. He didn't give up physically, but he gave up mentally. He looked like he wasn't there. At one point, that's what happened.

I would rather be able to dunk than suck my own dick

Which would you rather do? [Dunk or suck your own dick]. For me, it's a no-brainer. I'd rather dunk. Yeah, I would dunk.

Greece is the perfect place for Rick Pitino to coach

Rick Pitino's going to a place where there's a lot of backroom dealings and shady handshake deals and no one pays their taxes. Pretty good place.

The peak of life is age 24 or 25

I'd say like 24. Yeah, 24 is a good age, but yeah, 25, because you can rent a beach house in a car. The age where you don't have, you have not gotten old enough to realize life is meaningless. But you're not young enough to be dreading what life is going to look like.

The Saints are the most complete team in the NFC

The Saints look pretty good. Their defense is awesome, I would say. So, yeah, they are probably the most complete team in the NFC, I would say.

The fumble-out-of-the-end-zone touchback rule is actually good because it rewards defense

You're looking at as the punishment doesn't fit the crime... You should look at it as the reward. It fits the feat. It fits the accomplishment. So if you're the defense and you make a guy fumble through the end zone at the one-yard line, that's an awesome play... You should get a big reward for that.

If you don't believe in witchcraft and its protective powers, you're crazy

The cool throne is witchcraft. If you don't believe in this stuff, you're crazy. Because Jack Dorsey... sent in his beard hair to get himself protection against ISIS. Seems like it worked.

I actually like Carrie Underwood's 'Game On' Sunday Night Football song now

I have maybe been tweeting about that from weeks one through 14, and then week 15... I just started singing it, and I was like, you know what? I give up. I like this song now.

The 76ers need to add more shooters to optimize the spacing for Joel Embiid and Jimmy Butler

[Embiid] seems like he's having some trouble with figuring out spacing and where he wants to be... that has less to do with Jimmy and much more to do with they need more shooters on that team.

The Lakers have a better shot at trading for Anthony Davis now than in the summer

If you're the LA Lakers and you want a shot at Anthony Davis without Danny Ainge and all his pile of assets competing with you... they have a more clear run at Anthony Davis now than they will in the summer.

Kawhi Leonard is a robot who does not have emotions

He doesn't have emotions. He's a robot... he doesn't have a heart yet. He laughed, there was some laughing, him and Nick Saban laughed the same way, they both have like a button they're like it is appropriate to laugh now so I will push my tickle button.

I would not swap Mitchell Trubisky for Aaron Rodgers if it meant swapping their contracts

[If asked to swap Mitchell Trubisky for Aaron Rodgers and their contracts] No. No. If we had to swap contracts, it would be over the cap... So our defense wouldn't be as good. We're going to play some defense. We're going to run the ball.

Sean McVay's photographic memory is actually a curse when things go poorly

I think Sean McVay's photographic memory is a blessing and a curse because what do they always say? You have to have a short memory to get past the fucked up plays. So having a photographic memory is great when things are going really well. But then when things go really poorly, that's all you think about.

The Eagles cannot go back to Carson Wentz if Nick Foles runs the table and makes the playoffs

If Nick Foles runs the table here and the Eagles get into the playoffs and let's say he wins a game or two, how can you go back to Carson Wentz? This guy, like, that was a game 13.5-point underdogs. Everyone said the Eagles season was over. He's throwing jump balls to Alshon Jeffrey. He's getting the offense going.

Vance Joseph should be fired immediately for kicking a field goal on 4th and 1 while down four

Vance Joseph... you Dan Quinned yourself. The all-time dumbest thing when he kicked a field goal... down four with like three minutes left and kicked a field goal on fourth and one from about the seven. You should be fired instantly when that happens.

Dak Prescott is more likely to airmail a pass than hit a receiver in the numbers on throws over 12 yards

Dak Prescott sucked [today]. He's airmailing. He does this thing where if he has to throw a pass, it's further than like... I'm going to say 12 yards downfield. He's more likely to miss the guy high by three feet than he is to hit him in the numbers.

Fighting is a young man's game and 50-year-olds have no business in the ring

At the end of the day, 50-year-olds have no business fighting. Fighting is a young man's game. There's some guys that have been able to beat time and still do well but they're very, very few and far between. 49-year-old people barely get on the treadmill and walk. You're going to be fighting in a professional fight? It's ridiculous.

Tito Ortiz is literally one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth

I think that [Oscar De La Hoya] is getting a lot of this information from Tito Ortiz who is literally and I'm not just saying this to be real he's one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth he's primate level this guy

The government are the biggest gangsters on the planet

The athletic commissions, California, Nevada, New York, they're run by the government. The government runs—and that's who we answer to. And you don't want to fuck with the government. They're the biggest gangsters on the planet.

Jon Jones would have been the LeBron of MMA if he had his personal life together

If you look at how good Jon Jones is, and if he had his personal life together, what a big star he'd be right now and how much money he would have made. He would have been the LeBron of this sport.

The 'Affliction' and 'True Religion' fashion days of the UFC were horrible

The affliction days were bad. The affliction days were bad. It was so funny you just said that to me because we were looking we were doing all these documentaries about the ufc... affliction horrible those days and the god what were those jeans true religion. Oh my God. I see the true religion jeans and all that stuff I'm like shoot me.

Mike Tomlin and Jason Garrett are the same coach: 'the dog in the fire saying this is fine'

Mike Tomlin and Jason Garrett are the dogs sitting in the fire saying this is fine at all times. They love to just stand on the sidelines and say to themselves, well, this time it's got to be different. Like we're doing the exact same thing we've done since the beginning of time, but this time it's going to work.

The Chargers should play their home playoff games in San Diego

I think if they get home field advantage in the playoffs, which is possible... they should play their home games in San Diego. Give it back to the people. San Diegans have suffered long enough.

If the Bears don't win the Super Bowl, I want the Chargers to win it

obviously I want the Bears to win the Super Bowl, but if the Bears cannot win the Super Bowl, I want the Chargers to win the Super Bowl. They are America's team. This is talking about Antonio Gates, talking about Philip Rivers having fun.

Patrick Mahomes is getting a little too cute with his play style

I think sometimes [Mahomes] gets a little too cute. I think a little too cute. He throws a lot of left-handed passes. ... You know what bothers me is every time there's a penalty, he points way too fast that it's on the other team.

If I am ever on fire, do not piss on me to put it out

I want to say for the record, if I'm ever on fire, don't piss on me. No, just remind me to stop, drop, and roll. It's not going to help unless you're Peter North and have a stream like a fire hose. It's not going to put out the fire. You're just going to be pissing on me as I burn to death.

It is great for golf that Patrick Reed is a villain everyone hates

Patrick Reed, though, he is the bad boy of golf. And I love this because this just keeps his street cred just keeps going up, up, and up. Everyone hates him. Guess what? It's fucking golf. ... It's actually great to have a bad guy in golf.

Odell Beckham Jr. is not a guy who can lead a team without another strong leader present

[Beckham] is not a guy that I think is going to lead your team anywhere if you don't have another strong leader on it. Hypothetically, if you had a leader on your team similar to Eli Manning, this is the exact kind of guy that you do not want to give a huge contract to.

Saquon Barkley might already be the best running back in the NFL

Give it to a guy who might be the best running back in the league, Saquon Barkley, things will be good for you. Like, hey, we don't have to worry about throwing it to Odell 12 times a game. Let's just keep giving it to Saquon. Oh, shit, this works?

It is impossible to win a tank battle against the Washington Redskins

You cannot tank against the Redskins. You will not win a tank battle against the Redskins. It does not happen. Not against Mark Sanchez. It does not happen. As much as [the Giants] may have been trying to tank, it was like, oh shit, we accidentally found ourselves back in the NFC playoff race.

Johnny Knoxville is the least coordinated member of the Jackass crew

The irony of [Johnny] Knoxville is that he's the least coordinated. He can't skate at all. And so his injuries were always the worst because he just wasn't prepared for those types of falls. And, you know, he's the one that had to have urethra surgery and stuff like that. These were absolutely the worst types of injuries.

The term 'rad' is making a comeback with younger kids

I think rad's making a comeback. ... New young kids using rad. Okay. Calling it that Levi's shirts.

Nick Saban hires fired coaches to learn how to beat them in the future

Nick Saban's little plan here is that by the time he's like 100 years old and is too old to coach, he'll actually have coached with every coach who's in college football and he knows how to beat every single one of them. So he wins like an extra seven national championships at the end of his career just because he knows everyone he's coaching against.

Drake only has a career because Kanye West popularized the 'backpack and polo' aesthetic

If it wasn't for Kanye putting on a polo shirt and a backpack, you think Drake's whack ass would be waltzing out of Toronto thinking that he could rap about being all up in his feelings and bullshit like that? Honestly, I do not know.

Signing Kirk Cousins was a bad idea that everyone predicted would fail

Kirk Cousins' signing was one of those things where everyone in the world was like, 'Hey, this is a bad idea.' To a man, everyone was like, 'Hey, this is a really bad idea.' But because of the NFL and how the quarterback position is played... anyone could be sucked in and talk themselves into saying Kirk Cousins.

Kirk Cousins is just Case Keenum in a tuxedo

Now, what he is, is Case Keenum in a tuxedo. He is the nicest looking version of Case Keenum that you can put together.

There should be no preseason or first-month polls in college sports

There should be no polls until like two months into the season anyway. There should be no preseason polls. There should be no first-month polls in college basketball or college football. Take the bias out.

Achieving true mastery is impossible because every subject is constantly evolving

I think you don't really achieve mastery in any subject because the subject keeps moving and changing and developing. Bruce Lee was a master of karate at 30 and at 70, he would have to learn how to fight differently because he doesn't have the same strength.

Lori Greiner is the scariest Shark on Shark Tank

I'm always afraid of Lori. We're kind of in the same space of bringing consumer products to the market. And she has two platforms. She has a very strong platform with QVC. And she's also, if it's a woman-related product, she can be the face of it... I always have to have a tussle with Lori.

Buyer's remorse on Shark Tank deals usually stems from the entrepreneur's personality, not the product itself

I do end up having buyer's remorse later on down the line with a lot of products because a lot of times it's not the product that doesn't work. It's the entrepreneur that we don't see eye to eye.

Robert Herjavec is a very keen businessman who knows how to work his angles by acting nice

Robert is a very keen business guy, and he knows how to work his angles. He has that whole 'I'm really nice' type of thing. I'm on to that shit. A lot of people are not onto that.

Adam Ottavino could strike out Babe Ruth every single time

Adam Ottavino says that he can strike out Babe Ruth every single time. Well, he definitely can right now, Babe Ruth's dead body. But seriously, I love these debates. They are what sports are all about, debating things that we can never prove.

The Bears are now the class of the NFC

I think that we should [talk about the Bears] because they are now the class of the NFC. I'll just say it. Sean McVay can name every single player that picked him off tonight.

Defense still wins games when the weather gets cold

I'm just going to say it, boys. Once the weather starts getting cold, defense does show up... I think defense still wins games.