Takes

The Steelers are a factor in the AFC playoff race

I'm ready to declare the Steelers are back. No, they're a factor. That's what I'm going to call them. They're going to be a factor. They could make some noise. Big Ben plays better when he's dead.

Incompetent leadership is the biggest long-term threat to the NFL

I think ultimately the incompetence of the people who run it is going to wear it down because there is no long-term thinking among any of these owners... So I think that the crisis of leadership is the biggest long-term threat to the league, perhaps.

Will Grier is the best player in college football

I don't know where that [big balls narrative] come from, honestly, because I got the best player in college football in Will Grier, so those decisions are pretty easy.

Soap can't get dirty because it cleans itself

My friend uses a bar of soap to clean his ass crack and uses it the next day on his whole body... He says soap can't get dirty, so it's fine. [Hank says] He's right. You're wrong. It's like soap cleans itself all the time because it's layers.

The Cowboys stink and Jerry Jones has no idea what is going on anymore

The Cowboys stink. And Jerry Jones is either dead or has no idea what's going on anymore. He actually has changed the narrative on everyone because he's so scared of firing Jason Garrett and not having full control of his team.

Jerry Jones is no longer making the calls for the Cowboys

Jerry Jones is not making the calls anymore. I think he's a figurehead right now. He's the emperor with no clothes... Steven Jones, he's taken over the kingdom from his father. It's like at the end of Braveheart where the old guy's dying and the son's making the calls.

The Titans should not have signed Malcolm Butler

Malcolm Butler fucking stinks. He's so bad. He's been terrible. [Bill Belichick] duped over his own former player. You are the Titans, yes. You should not have signed Malcolm Butler.

Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak is likely the most unbreakable record in sports

I agree. My longest hitting streak was 16 games. And so to think somebody could go 56 games without going 0 for 4 is amazing to me. And I think the pressure of the consecutive games hitting streak... because of the media coverage and the scrutiny, that creates more pressure. And so I think that's almost unattainable.

Certain players have an intangible value that isn't captured by modern sabermetrics

I think that certain players have an intangible value that's not measurable in the way that they're measuring everything nowadays. But, I mean, it's like Eddie Murray was our fourth hitter. He could be 0 for 50... But if Eddie was not in our lineup, we felt like we didn't have a good lineup. He stabilized the whole lineup.

Accomplishments from the steroid era are unfairly diminished by the widespread use of PEDs

For someone that's been in it, it kind of bothers me that when they look back, said it was the steroid era. And then, therefore, it kind of takes away your accomplishments during that time frame... It makes a light of your accomplishments.

Players should act like they've been there before and avoid bat flipping

I don't like that [bat flipping]... you were considered more of a sportsman. So your entertainment value was in the quality of your sport and how you competed... but I always felt that and maybe it's John Riggins like if you score a touchdown, you know, act like you've been there before.

Allowing a single player to score 50 points is a bad sign for the Celtics' team defense

It does look bad if somebody's putting up 50 on you. Not a great sign for the Celtics this year. Like, it does say something about team defense if one guy's able to do that against, like, five.

Mike Tomlin's quotes make no sense despite sounding smart

We've never been more right than we were with our Mike Tomlin take on Monday, basically saying every quote from him is just – makes no sense. But it makes enough sense that you walk away being like, oh, that was smart... You take three steps and you start writing it up, and then you're like, wait a second. These words have never been put together.

Le'Veon Bell screwed himself by holding out because it allows the Steelers to transition tag him

The Le'Veon Bell thing... he's screwed himself over because he can now get transition tagged by the Steelers, which means that they can just keep him around for another year... and pay him less.

The loss to the Saints was a statement loss for the Rams that showed championship resolve

I think that was a statement loss for the Rams. Okay. Because they basically had everything go wrong in the first half... And the way they came out in the second half, even though they didn't win the game, that was championship resolve.

Sam Darnold is bad and investors should sell the stock

Sam Darnold. Trash. He's bad. Sell the stock.

I am sick of John Harbaugh and his obsession with mock turtlenecks

I don't say this lightly, but I'm sick of John Harbaugh's mock turtlenecks. I think that's what the problem is. Find you somebody in this world that loves you as much as John Harbaugh likes wearing mock turtlenecks.

Floyd Mayweather is a certified idiot if he agrees to anything other than a boxing match against Tenshin Nasukawa

If it's anything but a boxing match, Floyd Mayweather is a certified idiot. ... That's why I think he's going to get kicked in the face. Yeah, this is all fake.

Tom Herman's complaints about Will Grier's celebration are hypocritical given his own past behavior

If you remember just a year ago when they were in a bowl game against Missouri and [Herman] was mocking Drew Lock in his gun salute, he was basically showing up the other team. And then when he loses, he's crying to the media and saying that Will Grier was unfair.

Bob Ryan's 'true sports fan' tweet was essentially correct despite the backlash

Everyone hated him for this. I don't think it's – I think he obviously went a little too hard. But the bones of this argument are kind of right. There are people who I think are fans of their teams only. And then there are people who are fans of sports in general. I think that's the better argument.

The Raiders are the worst team in the NFL

The Raiders are the worst team in the league. And that is also considering the fact they beat the Browns. But they are the worst team in the league.

The Saints' 'dome magic' has returned to the Superdome

I want to say the Saints, the dome magic might be coming back... Ever since the ceremony with Drew Brees in the dome, the dome recaptured that magic.

I would fight Jon Jones again even if he is on performance-enhancing drugs

At the end of the day, he won the fights, and that's all I want to do is win the fights. So if that means fighting him again, even if he's on the stuff, I mean, you have to do it. So, yeah, of course I want to fight him again.

Conor McGregor cannot win a rematch against Khabib Nurmagomedov due to the matchup

Matchup-wise, this is just a bad matchup... Khabib doesn't get hit clean right away to get knocked out. He also has the ability to take him down, and also he's in great shape. He's not going to get tired... With Khabib, it didn't seem to have the same effect because Khabib's so big.

Jason Witten is clearly over his head and won't have a job at ESPN by the end of the year

I officially, officially feel bad for Jason Witten. He is so clearly over his head... And now I just feel bad because it feels like he's not going to have a job at the end of the year. And this is painful.

Football season is a legitimate legal excuse to postpone jury duty

[The jury duty official] asked me, he's like, so what's your excuse? I was like, well, it's football season and I got a lot of travel and football season. And he's like, okay... so come back after the Super Bowl. Shout out to that guy for taking 'it's football season' as a legitimate excuse for not wanting to be on jury.

The Chicago Bulls didn't get blown out by the Warriors, they simply ran out of time

The Bulls just ran out of time. That was simply what it was. I mean, maybe the Warriors scored 92 points in the first half, and Klay Thompson scored 52 points in 25 minutes, but we don't have to get into that. The point is, the Bulls just ran out of time. That was simply what it was. The Warriors' greatest weapon is the clock.

Dodgers fans are fair-weather fans who just jump between whoever is winning in LA

The Dodgers got fair-weather fans. I mean, you talk about guys who will go from the Kings to the Dodgers to the Clippers to the Lakers... it's like enough already.

Bill Belichick is hilarious in real life

I've spent some quality time with Bill... Is he funny in real life? Oh, he's hilarious... I know [him] off the field... he's the best of the best.

The Manning family has brainwashed everyone into over-respecting Eli Manning

I disagree [that Eli deserves more respect]. I think that you've been brainwashed by Archie Manning. I have a theory that the Mannings have brainwashed [everyone].

You have to bet on the Steelers when Ben Roethlisberger thinks he is injured

This actually, if you are a betting man, and we are, you have to take the Steelers this weekend. Because an injured Big Ben, or even a Big Ben who thinks he is injured, always is dangerous. Because if he is actually feeling pain somewhere, then that's a big part of his brain that's not able to fuck everything up for the rest of his body.

I refuse to sign up for any app that doesn't use the standard phone number keypad for data entry

If you're still making apps in the year of our Lord 2018 that doesn't let me just do the phone keyboard with the numbers [instead of the long horizontal keyboard], I'm absolutely not signing up for your app. That's how lazy I've got.

The Pardon My Take crew is officially 'Team Cardi B'

We are team Cardi B through and through. They call us the Cardi three. Me, Hank, and Big Cat.

Clayton Kershaw is still kind of a bum in the playoffs

Clayton Kershaw still kind of a bum. Whew. That was tough. If [David] Price had done what Kershaw did, you'd be killing him. Bum is hard. But today was a moment... when you give up a two-run homer in the first inning, that's tough.

Manny Machado is the perfect villain for baseball

Manny Machado, the world's biggest jerk. I love Manny Machado. I don't want him on the Cubs, but I love this guy... It was his coming out party as a real asshole, and I love it. Because the world... we need villains. And Manny Machado was the perfect villain.

David Price should have been the World Series MVP

I thought David Price should have been the MVP. [He] had a very low bar to clear, and he cleared it really well. But still, the expectation versus reality, he absolutely dominated in that perspective.

Kirk Cousins will not win big games for the Vikings

But that's one of those games that if you're a Vikings fan, you have to ask yourself, we paid Kirk Cousins to win those type of games, and Kirk Cousins isn't going to win those type of games. He's not going to win those type of games... Kirk Cousins will not win big games, but he can win enough games to get you in the playoffs.

The Bears will be in first place in the NFC North (for now)

The Bears are back. They're number one. NFC North. Just saying. I don't know if we'll hold on to it for very long, but you have to enjoy the small steps, okay?

I'm withholding all judgment on Josh Rosen for his rookie year

I'm officially saying this whole year, too early to judge. I learned my lesson from Jared Goff. I like that. What about Sam Darnold? Too early to judge.

Clemson is the only team that can go toe-to-toe with Alabama

Clemson feels like the only team that could go toe to toe with Alabama. And I'm not sure. Cause if you get Clemson, when they hit kill mode, I don't think Notre Dame or Michigan or LSU would be able to hang with him.

Joe Buck is the best announcer of the last 30 years

Do you think that Joe Buck is the best announcer of the last 30 years? Yes. I think Joe Buck, although he's getting so much credit now... Throw your Joe Buck sucks take out the window. Which is true.

The Lions are not sure they're bad and could win their division

I actually think the Lions could be okay. They could win that division, you think? Are we sure they're good? We're not sure they're bad.

The Muhammad Ali Act should be amended to include MMA fighters to break the promoters' monopoly

If I could change anything in the sport, I would amend the definition of a combative sports athlete for the federal legislation and the Muhammad Ali Act to include all combative sports athletes, not just boxers... right now in MMA, the flaw in our system is that the promoter and the sanctioning body are the same guy... It's not a competitive sport.

George St-Pierre and BJ Penn are on the MMA GOAT list

George St-Pierre. George has got to be on the list. Absolutely got to be on the list... [and] BJ Penn's got to be on there.

Jon Jones would defeat Brock Lesnar in a fight

I think probably Jon [Jones], his athleticism and length is going to pose a problem for Lesnar. And Brock, as amazing athlete as he is and as big and strong as he is, he still hasn't really made friends with getting punched in the face.

Purdue fans have grown up 'disappointed' by the 'Purdue Way'

Growing up a Purdue fan, unfortunately you kind of not grow up disappointed of sports, I would say, but you kind of learn not quote unquote the Purdue way. Purdue has not been known as a powerhouse football wise since Drew Brees was at Purdue.

David Price officially has the clutch gene

Does David Price have the clutch gene? That is the question. That is the segment. And I'm going to say yes. He does. When it matters the most.

Chris Paul is the worst teammate in the NBA

Chris Paul, worst teammate in the league... It says all of his former teammates. Ryan Hollins and Glen Davis [say it].

Kevin Durant is a 'baby back bitch'

Kevin Durant, actually. I want to call him a baby back bitch to his face... [and] I think he would actually be good after a while, after we got the old baby back bitch shit out of the way.

The Dodgers' bullpen is their one true weakness

The bullpen wasn't great for the Dodgers. That's their one weakness that they have. Bullpen pitchers are just pitchers that couldn't be starting pitchers.