Takes

The Jets are overvalued after their Week 1 performance

Is this a major Ravens against the Bills situation where they're [the Jets] overvalued now? Correct. Well, guess what? I'm an idiot, and so actually all of my picks, I'm looking at them all right now, they're all basic picks.

Eli Manning always plays well in Dallas

Doesn't it feel like every time that Eli [Manning] goes to Dallas... I feel like Eli Manning always plays well in Dallas, and I feel like the Sunday night game is when he has, like, the buzz.

Ed Orgeron is the best defensive line coach on the planet

Coach Orgeron was the defensive line coach, the best defensive line coach on the planet. He got absolutely everything out of every player.

The 2018 Pittsburgh Steelers are a 'fucking mess'

The Steelers are a fucking mess. Le'Veon Bell. Antonio Brown. The fact that this is all happening within the first week or two, and they tied the Browns, and Big Ben is already injured, this team is a fucking mess.

Matt Patricia looks like Romeo Crennel Part 7

Matt Patricia, I'm not sure if I'm ready to call it yet. But he looks like the latest. He looks like Romeo Crennel Part 7.

You cannot wear a backwards hat and lose as an NFL head coach

Matt Patricia, you can't wear a backwards hat and lose... You just can't do it. You look like an idiot when you wear a backwards hat and lose. If you win, you can wear whatever you want.

Todd Bowles is a top 10 head coach in the NFL

I think Todd Bowles is an awesome head coach. And I've thought that for a couple years. They did play for him last year. Everybody thought they were going to go 0-16, 1-15.

Derek Carr sucks

Chucky is back. And the Raiders are a hot mess. Derek Carr... sucks. He sucks.

Sean McVay is a much better head coach than Jon Gruden

I think what it taught us more than everything is that Sean McVay is just a much better head coach than Jon Gruden. The way that he adjusted. Time is undefeated. The first half was classic Gruden football... And then at halftime when the adjustments get made, McVay obviously knows what he's doing.

The new Sunday Night Football theme 'Game On' is terrible

The Sunday Night Football song... What does NBC think they're fucking doing? I was waiting all day for Sunday night. No, I was waiting all day for waiting all day for Sunday night. And now it's some crappy Carrie Underwood... Game On is the new theme... I don't have room in my brain to learn a new song.

Fantasy football dehumanizes NFL players

I hate fantasy football. I just think it just dehumanizes the players. I think you put somebody in a place where they're not real, they're not human... this guy blew his fucking ACL out. Nobody really doesn't care about him as a human being just about how many points can he bring to his team.

Fletcher Cox is the best defensive tackle in the NFL

Who's the best defensive tackle in the league right now? And you can't say yourself. Fletcher Cox. Good answer.

The NFL should legalize marijuana for players to help with trauma and pain

I think I definitely guarantee contracts and maybe something with the marijuana issues... because I feel like a lot of guys... have had certain traumas in their life that maybe prescription meds doesn't do the thing for them.

NFL preseason quarters should be shortened to eight minutes

I would cut the preseason down to eight minutes a quarter, too. Because it doesn't make sense to have the game so long, 15 minutes when you know that the game doesn't count... I just think they should cut the minutes down because the risk of losing some of your starters versus the reward of them I don't think is worth it.

Dustin Johnson and Paulina Gretzky are officially on the rocks

Polina Gretzky... has scrubbed her entire Instagram of all Dustin Johnson pictures... Which leads many to believe that they are on the rocks. Yeah... I think people that grew up with Instagram, that's just standard operating procedure. Once it's official, once you break up, heaven forbid you get into another relationship and there's still pictures.

The Bears defense is elite and can beat anyone

This Bears defense can beat anyone. [The 20-0 halftime lead] feels like a pivotal era in the Bears history where it's like everything's going to be good from this point forward.

I was wrong: Patrick Mahomes is electric and I'm a believer

One person that I do have to take back my take is Patrick Mahomes. I said Patrick Mahomes stinks and is going to be terrible... I will admit my mistakes. He's electric. No, I'm actually a believer in him now.

Matt Ryan was a product of Kyle Shanahan's system

I think [Matt Ryan] was a product of Kyle Shanahan's system. How about that? He was 13-3, I believe, without Kyle Shanahan. He's top 10.

Serena Williams was being a baby and stole the moment from Naomi Osaka

It felt to me like she was being a little bit of a baby and she was losing and wanted to kind of make a scene. And it sort of stole the moment from the person who actually did win, Naomi Osaka.

I actually believe in Herm Edwards at Arizona State

We were very wrong about Herm Edwards. I can't believe I'm sitting here saying this, but I think I believe in Herm. Herm Edwards could recruit me.

You can't take a shit at a friend's house if the bathroom is less than 30 'bathroom feet' away

It's actually a formula that you multiply the number of bathrooms times the feet from the couch to the bathroom. And if it's anything under 30, then you can't take a shit there. So if there's a bathroom 20 feet away from the couch, but there's only one bathroom in the whole house, you can't do it.

Matt Ryan stinks

Today is Friday, September 7th and Matt Ryan stinks. Is Matt Ryan hurt? Because he's not good.

The Green Zone is football for morons and I love it

The green zone is essentially when they have the first down to gain and it is third down, they make the field look extra green between the line of scrimmage and the first down marker to let you know how much area they need to cover to get that first down. It is essentially football for morons, which we are, and I love it.

You can't complain about Steve Sarkisian's bad play calling because that's exactly what he is

Everyone's blaming [Steve] Sarkisian for everything just because he sucks at play calling. That's not his fault. That's who he is. If you hire Sark to be your offensive coordinator, you should know what you're going to get, and you can't complain about it.

The Bears were right to trade two first-round picks for Khalil Mack

[Ryan] Pace is the man. He gave up two first-rounders. Put his nuts on the table. But you don't know if they're going to be good anyway. People are always like, why would you give two first rounders? So you draft the first rounder. Do you know he's going to be good right away? Any time you get a chance to get a player like Khalil [Mack], you do it.

Mike Brown was the smartest defensive player I ever played with

The smartest one is Mike Brown. Not even close. Julius Peppers is a different—you know, 6'6", 300, runs a 4'6", 4'5" 40. But Mike Brown... he was the smartest.

Kyle Orton was a great quarterback who never got the credit he deserved

People didn't give Kyle [Orton] enough credit. Kyle could do everything they asked him to do. They didn't ask him to do much because, first of all, Kyle knew what kind of defense he had. So he didn't turn the ball over... He understood the situation he was in with our defense. So he could make all the throws that we needed him to, but he just didn't get the credit he deserved.

Bear Weather is 100% real

Is Bear weather real? Yes, 100%. Nobody wants to play in Chicago past December or November or whatever. Our fans love it. In the winter, they don't care, man. They're going to come out and support no matter what. If you're playing there, you better take advantage of that weather because it's not going to change.

Aaron Rodgers is the toughest quarterback I ever played against

Who's the toughest quarterback you had to play against? Aaron [Rodgers]. His mobility is obviously—his arm is tremendous, but his mobility and they're never in a bad play. You can't trick them.

I want to coach Jalen Ramsey to play hockey

I kind of want to see him [Jalen Ramsey]. I want to teach him. I want to be his coach. I love how cornerbacks talk trash and obviously he was just doing it to stir the pot... but I'm over here like, man, I kind of want to see him try.

Grapes are the real frauds because they don't actually taste like grape

Grapes are the real frauds. Grapes don't taste like grape anymore. They got cucked out of their own taste... You're drinking a grape soda, but it is not grape. It doesn't taste like grapes. It tastes like purple.

The Browns season of Hard Knocks was better than the Rex Ryan Jets season

Listen, this is the best season of Hard Knocks. This was better than the Rex Ryan season.

I've never been more confident in the Khalil Mack trade than I am seeing Hue Jackson dislike it

I've never felt more confident in the Khalil Mack trade than I did when Hue Jackson saw the news and was like, oh, that's a lot. That's too many draft picks.

Jeans are the weirdest thing a football coach can wear

I actually think jeans are the weirdest thing a football coach can wear because football coaches, they either are in sweatpants or full suit. There is no in-between. It's actually the way to tell the difference between normal human beings and football coaches is if you see someone wearing jeans, you're like, that's a civilian.

The NHL should outlaw keg stands on the Stanley Cup because they compromise its structural integrity

The NHL is considering outlawing keg stands on the Stanley Cup. That is not fun. The Washington Capitals have done too many keg stands on it, and they've compromised the structural integrity.

Big Baller Brand is a better investment than Nike or Adidas because it is privately owned

Nike stock down because the Kaepernick stuff obviously, Adidas stock down. You know what stock's not down? Big Baller Brand because it's still privately owned. That's how you do it. Big Baller Brand's about to have a windfall from this.

I like to root for excellence and the inevitable winner

I like the Red Sox and I like the Yankees. I like the storyline and I like teams that are great. I like excellence. I root for the inevitable. My brother Chad is a longtime Browns fan and Bengals fan and he just dwells in his misery. He's the exact opposite of me in that way. I like people who are good at what they do.

LeBron James carries the ball on every single possession

I love LeBron, but we used to call carries. He carries on every possession. Every possession. He palms and also he's got that hand out [stiff arm]. So he's allowed to hand check.

The Kobe/Shaq Lakers would destroy the Steph Curry Warriors because no one can guard Shaq

I think that the Kobe/Shaq three-peat team would destroy Steph Curry's team. Because who would guard Shaq? ... If they're going to bomb from outside and beat you, they will beat you, and that's it. But they're not coming inside, so just let them do it. Live and die by the three.

You can't have depth and substance as an actor if you are good-looking or funny

There's a sort of sense that you can't have depth and substance and also be [good-looking]... and it's the same thing with comedy.

Beards are the reason Civil War movies don't get made anymore

I also think the problem is beards. Beards are out. A lot of beards. You think, well, actually, beards are not. I'm in this room. I know there's one, two, three, four and a half. That's a lot of beards in the room. Now it's time to revisit the Civil War.

The West Wing convinced a generation of people that political compromise is the way to solve everything

The West Wing... you kind of convinced a generation of nerds that got into politics that compromise would be the way to solve everything. [Lowe responds]: The movie version, it never really works out in the real world.

I want a movie studio to pay for me to use performance-enhancing drugs for a role

I want to get to a point where I have a studio pay for me to be juiced up with the top doctors with all kinds of performance enhancing... I want to do a Marvel movie so somebody gets me ripped and puts me on drugs that I would never do in my real life.

Jon Gruden trades away good players because he doesn't want the hassle of coaching them

If it were up to Jon Gruden, he would still have Jeff Garcia as his quarterback right now. So he sees a first-rounder and he's like, you know what? I'd rather not go through the hassle of having to deal with good players.

Mitchell Trubisky's rookie season should not be used to judge his potential due to poor coaching

I can't stress enough how detrimental John Fox and no wide receivers are to a rookie's development. ... So I don't really think you can judge what Mitchell Trubisky was last year as anything real, because it was basically like he wasn't playing football.

The Miami Hurricanes should officially retire the turnover chain after losing to LSU

If you were Miami, if you were a Mark Richt, if you were a Miami fan, you can't in good conscience keep the turnover chain alive. It's dead. At some point, you just have to have it be dead because it's hollow.

The Miami Hurricanes and Texas Longhorns are on the fraud watch list

I don't think it's fair for us to put Miami on the fraud list just yet after one week. Let's put them on a watch list... questionable Miami. I would say Texas is also questionably fraud.

DC Sports is back following Elena Delle Donne's performance and the Nationals' .500 record

My Who's Back of the Week is DC Sports. DC Sports is back. The Nats are 69-69. ... And the Mystics are still in the playoffs. Elena Delle Donne... basically broke her leg in half. ... But she came back, put the team on her goddamn back.

Jim Harbaugh always tried to be the dominant male in every situation

He only knows one way to go... [Harbaugh] definitely would set [paintballing] up in a way that he would win and be the dominant male in the situation.

The Buffalo Bills losing four Super Bowls contributed to Timothy McVeigh becoming a terrorist

I am not saying that Timothy McVeigh bombed Oklahoma City in 1995 because the Buffalo Bills lost four Super Bowls in a row. But I'm not saying he didn't either... that Buffalo heartbreak was one of the many shadows that fell across McVeigh's life.