Takes

The 'virgin' storyline for Colton Underwood on 'The Bachelorette' is a narrative that actually plays well with the audience.

I'm telling you, this virgin thing plays. ... I think it absolutely plays. ... What better chase than a 30-year-old guy that's like, I could have had sex, but I've never had sex.

The report that Kenneth Faried has a higher Q-rating than Mike Trout is a total load of shit.

I'm kind of thinking that the Q rating is a load of shit. Because there's no chance that this is actually true. [Trout's] recognition is the same as Kenneth Faried. ... Literally, they went on a list and they just picked [him].

The World Cup is the best tournament to win because you're the champion for four years

The World Cup is the best tournament to win because you get to be champion for four years. That's pretty fucking sweet.

Harry Kane's Golden Boot was unimpressive due to the quality of his goals

Harry Kane spits when he talks, scored like half his goals from PKs and kicking it in from two feet out. He won the golden boot.

Jimmy Kimmel has his 'brain broken by 2018 politics' which prevents him from doing funny stunts

Jimmy Kimmel... He's so obsessed with politics and tweeting at all different politicians every day that he can't do these funny stunts. There's a hole in the punked world because Jimmy Kimmel has his brain broken by 2018 politics.

The Michael Jordan statue is the most iconic sports statue in the world

I'm going to MJ's statue, iconic statue. It's a logo that everyone, you know, it's basically the coolest logo in the world. That's the number one sports statue in the world in my mind.

Massive monuments are the best because they prove you 'really ran shit' while alive

I think the best monuments are the big, giant ones. That's how you know you really ran shit when you were alive. You've got a statue that's three or four times the size of you.

The Midwest does not need a 'gateway' monument

It's called, what, the Gateway to the Midwest? Does the Midwest really need a gateway? No. Nobody's out there, like, wondering, am I in the Midwest yet? If you're being served a pizza that has ketchup instead of tomato sauce, you know you're in the Midwest.

Manny Pacquiao's late-career fights are depressing and sad to watch

He's still fighting. So that's pretty sad. I didn't realize that he was fighting until like a day before. An aging boxer, watching them is one of the saddest things you can do. You know when it's done, and everyone knows, and then they always hang on for a couple extra years, and you're like, let's just try to remember the good times, because this is depressing the fuck out of all of us.

The hardest thing to do in football is to keep it simple

The hardest thing in football to do is to keep it simple, play simple and it possibly is one of the most effective things. So I actually kept it very simple today and created chances for my teammates.

Lionel Messi is the greatest soccer player of all time, better than Cristiano Ronaldo

Ronaldo versus Messi. Who's better? [Rooney:] Messi. Yeah, I think I've said it before, but they're both probably the best players ever to play the game. And I just think Messi is... In my eyes, the greatest ever.

Soccer is the greatest sport ever created

What's something that the casual fan doesn't understand about the sport? [Rooney:] For me, it's the greatest sport ever created.

Boltman's retirement is the 'official' end of the Chargers in San Diego

And it's like this is the official move of the Chargers to L.A. When Boltman retires and he's like, I'm done. I've been pushed too far. Boltman, these diehard fans that the organization just pushes them a little too far, and they have to announce their retirement.

People who get offended by bat flips in baseball are silly

People getting offended by bat flips are so silly. I fucking love this. I think this might be a straw man now. I think we've gotten to the point where... now I think we might just be arguing against no one.

Jeff Fisher will be a great announcer because he's as close to nothing as possible

I'm being totally honest when I say that I think [Jeff Fisher] will be a good announcer, and here's why. The best announcers don't really say shit. They're just kind of quiet, and they let the game just go on. Jeff Fisher is as close to nothing as possible. So he'll just chime in every third down and be like, 'I think they should probably run it here.'

I want to start selling drugs in France because they have a culture of smoking and long lunches

I just want to start selling drugs in France. That's my idea. I think that there's a lot of money to be made. Like I said, they're all smokers over there. They take like five-hour lunches. So if you give... give them a little joint, they get hungry again. They're not going to go anywhere. They stay at the restaurant. Plus, in French, their word for 80 literally means 420. So I think they're sending a signal.

We need more 'dog art' because it appeals to both dumb and high-level brains

My drunk idea is... dog art. We need more dog art. Art with dogs in it. Everyone would buy that. It's the art that dumb brains can buy and high-level brains can buy, so I think we need to corner the market on dog art. Dogs doing everything. Let's take all the classic works of art and instead put dogs in them. Mona Lisa, but it's a German Shepherd.

The Challenge is the number one reality show of all time

My number one reality show of all time is The Challenge. I have seen pretty much every season. I watched it when I was young, I watch it now. It never gets old. TJ Lavin never gets old.

Cops is a top-tier reality show because of its unique hook and short format

My first one is going to be Cops. Cops is a classic. I also like the format of it. It's short, and it hooks you in. One thing they do when they play a marathon of Cops, right when the end credit of Bad Boys by Inner Circle is done, the start of Bad Boys by Inner Circle just hits immediately.

Jersey Shore revolutionized reality television and is a top-tier show

I'm going to go Jersey Shore, revolutionize the game. Revolutionize the game. It was a cultural phenomenon.

Flavor of Love and Laguna Beach are top-tier reality television shows

I'm going to go with Flavor of Love... and Laguna Beach. I was obsessed with Kristin Cavallari.

The Real World is the 'granddaddy' of reality shows and a top-tier pick

I'm going to go with Real World. So the granddaddy of them all, Real World was great. Especially shout out to the Hawaii season. I remember watching... it always has a special spot in my heart. I do think it is the Godfather show.

Survivor is the most popular and broadly watched reality show of all time

The most popular reality show of all time and one that every single person has ever watched, Survivor. I mean, it's hard to go against. I've watched seasons and been like, this show's awesome.

Cheaters with Joey Greco is one of the greatest reality shows ever

I'm going to go with Cheaters. With Joey Greco. Listen, Cheaters was a goat. Joey Greco got stabbed, breaking up a couple that was getting into a fight. The best was before he would go and catch the Cheaters, he would be hiding out, literally sometimes around a corner or behind a dumpster, and he'd be like, those are the Cheaters right there.

To Catch a Predator was one of the most entertaining shows of all time

My last one, I feel like I'm going to sound like a fucked up person for this, but To Catch a Predator was one of the most entertaining shows of all time. All time moment, the guy who spilled the margarita in the backyard... It's a fucked up show, but hard not to watch.

Kevin Durant is the most triggered athlete of all time

Kevin Durant, he is easily the number one most triggered athlete of all time, without a doubt. It's not even close.

The MLB should put Tim Tebow in the Home Run Derby to boost ratings

Let Tebow hit in the home run derby in the All-Star game... the bottom line is, you want a ratings bonanza, get Tim Tebow in the fucking home run derby.

France's young team might be too inexperienced to win the World Cup right now

France is actually... They're talking about possible dynasty. Well, so France... They haven't won anything. It might be too soon for these kids. The moment might be too big for them. They don't have the experience.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Juventus is a good fit because Serie A is all about defense

I think it's a good fit. You don't score goals in Serie A... In Italy, it's just all about defense. So if he gets his one free kick a game, then his team's probably going pretty good.

Russell Wilson is currently 'killing the sexy dance game'

Russell Wilson is absolutely killing the sexy dance game and dancing with Ciara... So he did a video with Ciara doing this little weird dance and he stole the show. So you would think, oh, Ciara, she's a professional performer. She's got moves. False. Russell Wilson was in the background killing it.

I'm starting to get 'football fever' and daydream about the college season

I was sitting on the couch, and I started thinking about Saturday morning and the camera going over college game day... I'm starting to daydream about football a little. I like close my eyes and I think about Illinois playing Purdue at 11 o'clock and Beth Mowins being like, 'there's another punt.'

Riptide Rush is the only good Gatorade flavor

I'll go Mint Chocolate Chip and Riptide Rush... [Riptide Rush is] the only good one. No, it's the white one.

Live streaming is causing a massive resurgence in poker popularity

Poker is back in a big way... I think partly because more people are getting into poker because of live streaming and you can watch every single hand.

I can stay 'Kid Poker' for at least another 10 years as long as I don't go gray

I feel like I got a solid 10 years. I feel young, so I guess maybe up until I get gray hair, and so far I'm good.

Being a virgin after age 30 is actually a good 'line' to use on women

After you turn like 30, and you say, like, I'm a virgin by choice. I feel like there's an element that the girl is like, I want to be the one. I want to be the one that makes him switch over to the other team... I think it becomes more positive after 30 than it does between the age of 18 and 29.

LeBron James is joining a terrible Lakers team as it is currently constructed

LeBron's going to the Lakers with a terrible team as currently constructed. Magic Johnson did something good with getting LeBron and then immediately followed it up with the weirdest... They got Rondo, they got Lance Stephenson, they got JaVale McGee. They basically just got a bunch of people that don't fit with LeBron whatsoever.

Kobe Bryant secretly hates that LeBron James joined the Lakers

LeBron's going to be a Laker and now Kobe is silently stewing and he's going to pretend to like this, but you know he hates it.

Paul George has been brainwashed by Russell Westbrook

Paul George is brainwashed by Russell Westbrook. I don't know what's going on there. That was another weird one... That actually was a genius move by Russ. The night of free agency being like, hey, I threw a huge party for you, so you got to come, and don't make this awkward by signing with the Lakers.

Adding any player to the Warriors decreases their chances of winning a title due to chemistry

Honestly, at this point with the Warriors, any addition that they make probably decreases their chances on winning another title. Because it's like they're a perfect team. So no matter who you add, there's always a small chance of it fucking up the chemistry.

FIFA is on my shit list for scheduling the World Cup during football season

I love soccer, but if you make me choose between football and soccer, it's a no-brainer. So this is... You fucked up, FIFA. You're now on my shit list. The slave labor, the blatant corruption, the bribes—I can look past that. Going up against football, uh-uh. Protect the shield. You're out in my book.

The Tuesday after Labor Day is the best day of the year

I'm happy that none of us fell into the trap of saying the Tuesday after Labor Day because that actually is the best day of the year because that means all football is back. You have the Thursday night football, then Saturday college, Sunday, then double Monday night. That's the fucking best. That's like literally my favorite day of the year.

Playing mini-golf more than 10 times a year makes you a psychopath

If you play mini golf more than 10 times a year, you're probably a psychopath. Mini golf is fun on vacation, but you realize after 10 holes, you're like, I've had enough mini golf.

I didn't really belong in the Patriot League

I didn't really belong in the Patriot League, so the transition [to the NBA] was a little easier for me. I was a little bit ahead of my— Just hesitant to Patriot League. Hey, crossed them up. I'm out of there.

Sean Taylor is the best football player of all time

I grew up a Miami Hurricanes fan. I was a Sean Taylor fan. Rest in peace, Sean Taylor. Best football player of all time. I had the visor and everything when I played.

Blogging is just as hard of a sport as playing in the NFL

I think blogging is just as hard of a sport as football. My brain is mush. ... There's going to be a class action lawsuit of all the bloggers in 30 years because we've all just been playing with a concussion for the last decade.

The drop I had in the Super Bowl haunts me more than the catch that everyone talks about

I don't think about that catch when I think about [Super Bowl 51]. I think about right after halftime... I drop that ball and I was the guy over here, you know the rah-rah guy... I think about that third down how much harder it made it for us to go because we had a little momentum there. So, like, that's what I think about, bro. I don't even think about that catch. I think about that drop.

Kirk Cousins is the Rihanna of NFL quarterbacks

I'm just the biggest Kirk Cousins fan in the world... It's like, if you're in a relationship, you know, your girlfriend would understand, okay. You got a wandering eye. [Kirk Cousins] is like Rihanna.

July 4th should always be celebrated on the first Saturday of July

They should really change July 4th so that it becomes... First Saturday in July... It needs to be a Saturday. The fact that it's a Wednesday there is absolute bullshit.

Goodfellas and The Godfather are essentially based on real events

When you go to see some of the quote unquote fictional movies, The Godfather or the other one, which I love, Goodfellas, so many of the stories that are in there are based on things that really happen.

Soccer should replace on-field referees with booth cameras

One of the entities are proposing having cameras everywhere and having people up in the booth instead of the referees... making the initial call. They make all the calls... and they don't have a need for a referee at all.