Takes

Aaron Rodgers is a better 'tools' quarterback than Tom Brady

Technically speaking, Aaron Rodgers is a better quarterback. I agree with that. If you're talking about the tools, Aaron Rodgers' arm is off the charts and his ability to move is off the charts. That's just a fact. If you're starting a football team, your better chance is to take Rodgers and build around him because of his pure, raw physical talent.

Josh Allen's low college completion percentage was only because his receivers weren't good enough

His completion percentage was only so low in college because the receivers aren't good enough. So you get him with a better receiver that can make spectacular diving, one-handed catches of balls that shouldn't be physically possible to catch, and you see that take up to like 57%, 58%. So I think he's going to be okay.

George W. Bush is the Josh Allen of presidents

George W. Bush... America loves the guy now. He is back in a bit. He's got he's the Josh Allen of presidents. The longer he goes without playing well, the better he becomes. And the more he goes up people's big boards.

Rob Gronkowski is arguably the greatest tight end of all time

87 to me was like I had no idea how good he was. I knew he was one of the greatest of all time, but that guy is probably just as easily separating himself from the competition with tight ends throughout the history of our league as 12 is [at quarterback]. So, I mean, that dude is unreal.

The Cleveland Cavaliers are pretending to be in a crisis just to troll the media

I actually do think they're joking, but they're at the point where they're pretending to cause controversy and... kind of like doing like the fake news award... so that they can then turn it around and be like, no, we were joking. See how you guys misconstrue everything.

The Cleveland Cavaliers care more about what the media says than practicing

I actually think that the Cleveland Cavaliers spend more time reading Twitter than practicing... they care that much about what the media is saying that they've gone overboard.

Roger Federer is the undisputed GOAT of tennis

Roger Federer, now the GOAT. His 20th [Major].

Jerry Jones may have helped fund the XFL to screw over Roger Goodell

So it wouldn't shock me if Mr. Shadow Commissioner Jerry Jones maybe helped to fund the start of the NFL, gave him some of the seed money just to fuck Roger Goodell over.

The XFL should be 7-on-7 football to allow teams to air the ball out more.

I also, in a real, like, honest rule, I think they should do seven on seven. Let them just fucking air the ball out.

Not televising the NBA All-Star draft was the dumbest move the league has ever made.

The NBA did their all-star draft, and they didn't televise it, which was the dumbest move the NBA's ever had.

Aaron Rodgers is the hardest quarterback to play against regardless of his receivers

If you got Aaron Rodgers throwing to you, I don't care what the last name on the back of the receiver's jersey is, Aaron is going to put the ball in places I can't get it. He's going to throw his out routes out of bounds. He's going to throw his fade routes at the back of my head.

I would be perfect in today's NFL because of the rule changes

Oh, I would love it. It would basically fit me perfect. I was a true cover guy... when you're playing in the NFL, hitting somebody, really crushing them is a sin. So I'm perfect in this NFL. I'm going to go out here and I'm going to intercept balls and I'm going to play football.

NFL players could successfully perform on a plant-based diet

Absolutely. I think it would really help them. I think it'll transform them back to their rookie second season, third season type feel. And, you know, we're always looking for edge. And anytime you can attain more energy, or perform at the same level as you did in the first quarter, as you do in the fourth quarter, I think guys would really benefit from it.

Kevin Love was not actually sick when he left the game against the Thunder

I don't think Kevin Love was sick. I'm going to be the one to say it... I think Kevin Love is maybe like he gets more shit than any other athlete ever. Undeserved shit.

LeBron James' Instagram post to his younger self is the most unintentionally funny thing ever

Every single time you read something [LeBron James] posts, it is like the most unintentionally funny shit that you will ever hear in your life... He invented fourth person. It's him referring to himself, but in the past.

Jason Kidd was an objectively terrible coach for the Milwaukee Bucks

Jason Kidd was, by all objective measurements, a terrible coach.

Amazon's no-employee stores are the beginning of the robot takeover

Amazon opened its first no-employee store... I'm pretty sure this is exactly how the robot takeover starts... I think we're all fucked. So this is basically 1984. This is Big Brother. It exists, but it exists in supermarkets.

Patriots fans will be the classiest fan base in Minnesota during Super Bowl LII

[The Patriots] are going to be the classiest fan base in Minnesota because Minnesota people are coming back to Minnesota with tragic and horror stories about how mean the Philadelphia fans were to them. So it's going to be exciting to see if they try and do anything back to Philly fans next week.

Duke is cheating to land the top recruits in college basketball

I seriously do think Duke is cheating their ass off. It's amazing to me that Coach K has kind of brainwashed the rest of the country that if this happened literally any other school, people would start screaming about how they're cheating... Duke is landing the top three guys, and they're not paying anybody? No.

Villanova is clearly the best team in the country

I think [Villanova] is clearly the best team in the country, and they have like six guys who would start on virtually any team, which is kind of incredible to think about.

My rule for peeing is that the closest hole available gets the pee

My rule of thumb here is closest hole gets the pee. So whatever hole is closest to you at that moment, you pee right into it.

A drinking straw only has one hole

I think it's one hole... Straw is the sphere... the hole starts and it just goes on forever. If you go in a tunnel, are you saying there's no hole in a tunnel? No, the entire tunnel is a hole. That's one hole.

The Patriots' mental toughness is superior to every other team in the NFL

The Patriots, the mental toughness they have is just insane. They are a mentally tougher team than every other team they play. You just know that they're not going to get phased. They're down two scores at home... and they're just nothing's going to change. They're just going to keep doing what they're doing.

The Patriots have a psychological edge over 'bird' teams in Super Bowls

The Patriots have beaten a lot of bird teams in Super Bowls. The Falcons, the Eagles before... Seahawks. Yeah, you never know until you try.

Vontae Burfict is an 'on-the-field gangster' and not a real tough guy

I didn't like Vontae Burfict. I didn't like that motherfucker at all because I felt like he was one of those dudes that—I don't believe in on-the-field gangsters... sometimes when you play guys, you can tell it's like a WWE character. They're big bad. But once you get off the field, and we're in the parking lot... they're like, oh, I don't want to do that.

Rex Ryan's downfall as a coach was being too loyal to his staff

I think he's too loyal. And I think that's his biggest downfall... all his guys and his coaching staff, he's been with those guys for years... he should have left them on the side of the road and kind of recruited better coaches to, one, deal with young talent, two, guys who are better equipped for the role.

A player will not have a long NFL career if they don't love football

If you don't love football, you won't have a long career. You just won't. I remember when I was playing, I would watch, not only myself, but I would watch other linemen around the league... there was guys that were digesting what was going on around the league... and it pays off, man.

There should be a Tinder-style app specifically for finding people to fistfight

It's Tinder, but for people that want to get into fistfights... I just want to have a gentlemanly... I just want to punch somebody and get punched... find somebody who is my approximate height and weight, so it would be a nice fair fight.

There should be a 'Hammered' gym where you build bars while drinking beer

What about a gym called Hammered and it's like kind of one of those obscure like CrossFit type of gyms where it's just all you do is hammer things in for your workout while you drink beer... build a bar so that you can drink at it.

Josh Allen stinks and doesn't pass my eyeball test

I personally think Josh Allen stinks. I've watched him play every time. He doesn't pass my eyeball test, which is, as most people know, probably the hardest test to pass.

The media is inflating the severity of Tom Brady's hand injury to give the Jaguars a reason for people to watch

If the Patriots are playing the Steelers and this hand thing happened, they wouldn't even be talking about it. But they know that the Jaguars, they need a storyline, they need a reason for people to watch, they need a reason to believe, so they're inflating the severity of his hand.

The Vikings have acquired Team of Destiny status

The Vikings have now acquired Team of Destiny status. After last week's win [Minneapolis Miracle], that is a win that you only get if you have a horseshoe up your ass.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end and greatest mismatch in the history of football

Gronk is... He's unguardable. He's unguardable. He's the greatest mismatch in the history of football. He's the greatest tight end in the history of football.

Jeff Fisher should be an NFL General Manager

Fisher's eye for talent. That's where I was going with this. To me, he should be a GM... He has built phenomenal – like the Rams team, you could see, has got talent... Aaron Donald, Quinn, Alec Ogletree... All those guys are Fisher guys.

If Bill Belichick worked on Wall Street, he would be the Wolf of Wall Street

Belichick is one of the smartest humans I've ever been around. If he was working on Wall Street, he'd be the Wolf of Wall Street. He is the great thinker. He analyzes everything.

Adam Schefter covering the NBA has become a distraction

And this one is for our little pee boy... Adam Schefter, who was scooped on the Todd Haley news when he was on the Le Batard show talking about the NBA. Yeah, has the NBA become a distraction for Adam Schefter?

I could take a beating from Chris Paul or James Harden longer than any other NBA player

Chris Paul threatening to have a fight with me. I think that is one NBA player that I think would kick my ass the slowest. So it would take him the longest to beat me up. [James Harden] would probably run out of breath somewhere around there.

The NBA should allow players to fight on the court like in hockey to monetize it

This is why the NBA needs to let the players fight on the court, like in hockey. Because at least you get to monetize it. At least we get to see it happen. Now we're just left imagining.

Austin Rivers is the primary person to blame for the Clippers-Rockets tunnel fight

I'm going to leapfrog Austin Rivers to number one [on the blame list] just because the coach's son factor. That will get your blood going. If they had a gun... and you had one bullet, I know that you have to shoot Austin Rivers if you're Chris Paul, right? That's the guy that you would take out. I blame him.

Ben McAdoo is a perfect hire for the Cleveland Browns coaching staff

The Cleveland Browns are officially back because they look like they're going to hire Ben McAdoo, offensive coordinator. I can't think of a better move than the guy who basically made every wrong decision in New York... You're going to fit in perfectly, Ben.

The Steelers lost to the Jaguars because they were too focused on the Patriots

It seems like there was a lot of talk around Pittsburgh about the Patriots, and there has been for the last couple years. The Steelers are very, very focused on the Patriots as a team. Do you think that had anything to do whatsoever with the disappointing result?

Ben Roethlisberger has had a better career than Eli Manning and Philip Rivers

As it turned out, [Roethlisberger] played before anybody else. He's probably played as long as anybody and has had more wins than any of the other two guys. So, well, I mean, as opposed to Eli's got two Super Bowl championships as well. No, I don't think anything really does surprise you. He's a special player.

The New York Giants job is the most attractive head coaching vacancy in the NFL

Would you rather be in the NFC North, the AFC South, or the NFC East? I think right now I'd rather be in the NFC East. [The New York Giants]... Now, do you have a quarterback in that team? [Eli Manning]... How high is your draft pick? Pretty high. [No. 2]... I think you guys are starting to answer your own questions.

The tunnel scuffle with the Rockets was just locker room talk and boys being boys

I can't imagine what everybody back in town was thinking when they heard that is what was happening... Continuity error. No, you're right. It was just a boys will be boys situation... Locker room talk. Yeah, exactly.

The Divisional Round should be renamed the 'Best Fucking Weekend of Football of the Year'

I just nominate, we call it the best fucking weekend of football of the year.

Steve Sarkeesian being hired by the Falcons cost Georgia the national championship

If Steve Sarkeesian hadn't been hired by the Falcons, Georgia would have won the national championship because he still would be in the booth for Alabama. And the Falcons probably would have been a decent team this year because they wouldn't have had him calling the same 10 plays over and over.

Mike Mularkey should be fired as the Titans head coach

Mike Mularkey's getting a contract extension, too. He should be fired. Mike Mularkey should be fired.

The Patriots' path to the Super Bowl is a joke

The fact that the Patriots are going to – their path to the Super Bowl is going to be Marcus Mariota, Blake Bortles, and then Nick Foles or Case Keenum. I mean, that's a joke. They're going to win again.

Resting players at the end of the regular season is a huge mistake

When they said the Rams were going to rest players, I said that's a huge mistake. You've got a young quarterback, a second-year quarterback. You've got a young head coach... These players need reps.

Tony Romo is a good announcer but he talks way too much

Let the fucking moments breathe. All he does is talk. He talks the entire broadcast... I hate how much some people think he's the perfect analyst... If he just let it breathe a little bit, he would be everything everyone says that he already is.