Takes

Derek Carr is a soft Cali boy who chokes in the cold

Derek Carr, not [a cold-weather quarterback]. No, in fact, he's a cold-weather choker. He played, what, at Fresno State? Cali boy. Soft. Can't trust the soft Cali boys.

Alex Smith is better in the cold because it makes every quarterback equally shitty

Alex Smith, he's better in the cold. Well, I don't want to say he's better in the cold. It's like he's kind of shitty just in general. But when it gets cold outside, it's the great equalizer because everyone's shit.

The NFL should trade coaches between the best and worst teams every year

I'd like to see at the end of every season the worst team trade coaches with the best team and see what happens the next year. Just a quick quirky little rule change.

The Heisman Trophy should just be awarded to the first five picks in the NFL Draft

My Mike Greenberg dumb rule, they should just make the Heisman the first five picks in the NFL draft. So instead of picking the best college player, give us the best, the guys who are going to be in the draft.

Heisman winners should be eligible for the NFL Draft regardless of age

Whoever wins the Heisman should be eligible for the draft no matter what. If they're a freshman, it's your golden ticket.

The Big 12 needs a championship game to avoid being shunned by the playoff committee

The 13th game. That's important. ... if [Oklahoma] could have won their last nine games and then played in a championship game, another high-profile game, I think matters. Those guys that play 13 games and they get hot, they have an opportunity to be able to move up. And the Big 12 has fixed that. So next year at this time we'll be playing a championship game.

Brandon Weeden's NFL career was ruined by being drafted by the Browns

Brandon Weeden's pretty much the same way. ... fortunately he got drafted by the Browns. That'll do it to your career. It didn't quite work out.

Coaches and players can block out media criticism, but it deeply affects their families

Coaches and players, they can block that stuff out pretty easy. Family members, that's a little tougher. ... It doesn't affect Skyler [Howard]. It affects his family. It affects his mom. It affects his brothers. It affects guys that can't go out there and do anything.

Mike Leach is a brilliant jack-of-all-trades who knows a little bit about everything

No, he's brilliant. I mean, he thinks he knows everything about everything. The truth of the matter is he knows a little bit about everything. ... He stays up all night long, watches documentary after documentary, and reads books and doesn't sleep very much.

You should never do water bottle flips at Madison Square Garden because it is the Mecca

First of all, I just want to jump in and say this is not behavior you do at the Garden. No. Respect the Garden. You can do this at any other stadium, but you don't do that at MSG. Mecca of basketball.

Great winners don't joke around or get complacent in the 4th quarter

Great winners, when they win, they don't get complacent. They want to win more. They don't joke around playing the fourth quarter. You win one championship, and all of a sudden it's all fun and games, rainbows, and ponies.

LeBron James makes every viral trend lame and manufactured

I just realized that this is – LeBron is Disney. He's like, if there's a meme on the internet, he's going to do it in the most Disney lame move ever. You know, like the mannequin challenge. Oh, they did the mannequin challenge at the White House. He just makes everything so fucking lame.

Winning a game with the Browns would be the biggest moment of RG3's career

If he won the last game of the season and the Browns were winless going into it, that is the biggest moment in RG3's career.

Dan Haren is a genius for joining the Diamondbacks because their pitching can't get worse

Smart move for him to join that team because basically he can just go and fart and be like, oh, they're better. 30th ranked team. So basically, they can't get worse. He can just go pick his nose, fart, listen to Pardon My Take, and they'll, by just the law of averages, get a little bit better.

The only way to get a minor celebrity to show up to your event is to give them an award

Here's a free trick. If you ever want a minor celebrity to show up at something that you're doing, just give them an award. And be like, hey, we're giving you an award.

Jeff Fisher is a king for blaming his failures on Stedman Bailey and Tre Mason

Somehow blamed the last five years of sucking on two draft picks. ... 'We've had some unfortunate things take place with some high picks in Stedman, Bailey, and Trey Mason.' ... King stay king.

The only socially acceptable times for men to cry are at the end of Hoosiers or with a hated coworker to save your job

The only times where it's socially acceptable to cry is at the end of Hoosiers. ... And then with somebody that you hate at work when you're both trying to save your jobs.

Philadelphia fans have lost their edge and gotten soft

I feel like Philly's lost its edge recently. Philly has definitely lost its edge. Yeah, Philly, you guys haven't booed anyone who's hurt their spine recently? Philly's been eating shit and you guys haven't been doing anything... I think Philly's gotten soft. Lost its edge.

You shouldn't complain about robots spying on you if you willingly put an Alexa in your house

I don't feel bad for anyone out there who willingly puts a robot in their living room and then complains when the robots start to take over. ... Don't fucking put a robot that can talk in your house. Once the robots get feelings, then we're all fucked.

Complaints about there being too many college football bowl games are invalid

Shut the fuck up, people who complain about too many bowls. Oh, there's too much football. Free football is always good. If there's something, oh my God, I don't want to have another game I can bet on on a Tuesday afternoon when I don't want to talk to my family over the holiday season. Shut up.

The first two weeks of bowl season are usually when I make my money in gambling

This is usually the time of year that I do really well in gambling, actually. First two weeks of bowl season. That's when you make your money.

Society needs to invent dual-temperature comfort zones for living rooms and beds

How has human society not reached the point where we have like dual comfort zones for living rooms? We have them in cars. Would it kill you to put one like in a bed? Like have one side of the bed set to a certain temperature, the other at a different?

Entrance music doesn't actually help athletes; it just entertains the crowd

No, I don't think [entrance music matters]. I mean, I don't know that it helps anybody, but the crowd seems to enjoy it. ... Music's a lot of fun, man. Music's a lot of fun, but I don't know that it helps the athlete.

I recommend testosterone and growth hormone as the best starting performance-enhancing drugs

If you were to use, I would say use testosterone for a couple of reasons. One, it's very effective, but two, it's also very affordable. ... I'll go with testosterone and growth hormone as a second.

An undefeated Group of Five team deserves a shot in the College Football Playoff

Now, if you go 13-0 and 13-0, I think you deserve a shot in the Final Four. I really do. Same thing with a Boise State or a Houston or a Group of Five team that does that.

You will become elite if you surround yourself with elite people, but you'll head to 'Turdville' if you surround yourself with turds

The compass... that's the direction of your life, which will be surrounded by the people that you put yourself around. So if you put yourself around elite people, you're going to be elite. Put yourself around turds or headed towards Turdville.

Jeff Fisher is lowering the unemployment rate by cutting so many players and creating new jobs for others

Since he's been such a bad coach, he's had to cut a lot of players, which means he's created new jobs for other players. So really, he's out there. He's lowering the unemployment rate.

The holiday outrage crowd is officially back

I think the holiday outrage crowd is back. We got people pissed that Zales put a lesbian couple on their holiday ad. We have people pissed that CVS and Macy's aren't more Christmas friendly. Starbucks cups... the war on Christmas crowd.

Snow football is the best football to watch

The Packers game, Bears game. Those are the best games to watch. Snow football. Love it. It's fun to get excited for the first snowfall and then just be miserable for four months straight.

Mixing caramel and cheese popcorn is the correct way to eat it

Oh, I like to eat them both [caramel and cheese popcorn]. Then lick my hand, then put my hand back in.

Ohio State and Clemson are the only teams with the speed to match up with Alabama

Athletically they [Ohio State] had the players to match up with Alabama. And I think right now that Clemson fits in that same mold... Ohio State could [match up], and I think Clemson could also.

Oregon and Texas should have kept Mark Helfrich and Charlie Strong

I would have kept them both [Mark Helfrich and Charlie Strong], by the way. Absolutely. I really think you've got to give a guy four years.

You have to give a college coach four years to build a program

I really think you've got to give a guy four years. Because when you go into a job... there's commitments. And so you honor those kids. And they may not fit in offense, defense, scheme-wise to what you're going to do.

Ezekiel Elliott is eating cereal, not soup, in his 'feed me' celebration

I saw somebody say, look at Ezekiel Elliott eating that cereal... he does his little soup celebration every time he gets some yards. I thought it's soup. Nope. It's cereal.

Tiger Woods took a Monster Energy sponsorship because he wants to turn into a 'JV' version of himself

I'd like to see Tiger turn into Cabrera, the guy that smokes on the golf course. I'd like to see Tiger just embrace the new weird, washed up, second rate C plus JV Tiger and just start smoking.

The NFL should have logo-branded eyepatches for coaches like Mike Zimmer

If it was Jack [Del Rio] or if it was like Bruce Arians, Pete Carroll... They would have their team logo put on the eyepatch. Rex Ryan would for sure.

Sam Bradford is officially worth the two draft picks the Vikings traded for him

[Sam Bradford] is probably worth the two picks now, right? Yeah. I think so. Good call. You nailed that one.

You shouldn't bet your life savings on any single game this weekend; spread it out

I don't feel comfortable betting all my life savings on one game, I would spread it out.

I grew up a 49ers fan and could never get on board with Tim Rattay because they were terrible with him

I guess not a fan of was Tim Rattay... He was the Niners quarterback when I was... or one of them, one of the many when I was growing up. And I was a big Niner fan, and they were terrible with him. I could never get on board with him ever.

Jeff Fisher is as big of a 'football guy' as they come

As big of a football guy as I come... I mean, that's his whole deal. I mean, he's there all day, and obviously he's been a head coach for a long time, been in football longer than a lot of head coaches in the league.

I'm a sports fan overall, not just a 'football guy' because it's my job

I've been playing my whole life, but I think I'm just more of an overall sports fan. Really, I like every sport. I played all three growing up... I'm more of just a sports fan, but obviously I am a football guy because I do play the sport as a living.

If you use the terms 'San Fran' or 'Frisco' to describe San Francisco, you are clearly not from the Bay Area

Frisco's bad. If you're from the Bay Area, the city is San Francisco. You would never really say, I'm going to San Francisco. You'd say, I'm going to the city. If somebody says they're going to San Fran or Frisco, you know they're not from there.

Attempting to keep Mike Zimmer's blood pressure low is an impossible task

Trying to keep Mike Zimmer's blood pressure low is like Sisyphus pushing that rock up a hill. Because that is a task that it's impossible. The second it lowers, it's going to spike back up again. He can't do it.

The Patriots will be fine without Rob Gronkowski because Martellus Bennett is a very talented tight end

The good news for the Patriots is they do have [Martellus] Bennett, right? And Bennett is a really good tight end. The Patriots, yeah, they'll take a step back, but it's not the end of the world.

Rob Gronkowski is the best player in the NFL

I honestly think he's the best player in the NFL.

Richie Incognito is the kind of guy you want on your side when the chips are down

He is that dude that you want on your side when the chips are down. Yeah. He's that dude. He really is.

Training yourself to say 'tuckus' instead of 'ass' makes you a giant 'tuckus hole'

Do you know how big of a tuckus hole you need to be to actually do that in college? ...What a fucking tuckus. God I hate, I hate that.

Tiger Woods fanboys are delusional if they think the old Tiger is coming back

I just can't stand the Tiger fanboys that think old Tiger's coming back. He said it's phase two, which is nice. He leaves out the point that Phase 1 stopped after he became addicted to working out with Navy SEALs, cheated on his wife, crashed into a fire hydrant and hurt his back a million times.

The Cowboys do not have an intimidating fan base.

I've been to a few Cowboys games. That's not a very intimidating fan base.

Wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey is an invitation for confrontation.

If you wear a Kaepernick jersey, you're asking for confrontation. So it could ignite conversation.