Takes

Hitler would have been a Redskins or Cowboys fan

I think without a doubt, he would have been a Redskins fan. He was so small that, ironically, he probably would have seen eye-to-eye with Dan Snyder. And I could see him going the other way, though, actually. Maybe he might have pulled for the Cowboys, too. The Cowboys got an insane old guy running the team that likes to put stars on the side of their players' uniforms, so that seems like he'd be right up his alley.

Concussions aren't real

Concussions aren't real. Well, I probably had my brain nicked up a couple times, but if you can pee straighter than you can see after having sex, then that just means you're doing it wrong.

Terry Bradshaw was the first NFL player to thank God, making all pre-1972 players blasphemers

My understanding is that the honor belongs to Terry Bradshaw. It was after the Immaculate Reception. And if you look at it from the other way, you can honestly say that every player that played in the NFL before 1972 is probably burning in hell for blasphemy.

Mike Ditka would have beaten Obama in a debate by pulling out a Super Bowl ring

To be a fly on the wall at those debates would have been all time. There's no way that Ditka loses. No chance at all. Obama starts talking about mumbo jumbo about how vouchers destroy inner city schools. And Ditka just pulls out a Super Bowl ring and sticks it in his face and lights a cigar. And maybe Mike Ditka would be president of the United States now.

Ditka's would-be supporters went on to root for Donald Trump

Instead, I guess he's got all of his supporters that would go on to root for Donald Trump after they had a stroke or something.

Sammy Baugh led the league in interceptions while also being a punter and quarterback

A lot of people forget that Sammy Baugh was a punter and also a quarterback and also led the league in interceptions. You don't see that too much because players are pussies nowadays.

John Fox saying you need more than zero points to win is a stats lie

Bears coach John Fox said, 'We need to generate more than zero points to win games.' I fact checked it and went to the archives. Big shout out to the guys at Pro Football Focus. In 1921, the Rochester Jeffersons forfeited to the Washington Senators because the field was unplayable. So Washington literally scored no points and walked away with a huge road win. You've got to be smarter than this if you're a head coach like John Fox.

Danny Woodhead is not deceptively athletic, he's undeceptively athletic

Some people say that you're deceptively athletic, but I just think that you're undeceptively athletic, and it should be plain to anybody watching you.

Danny Woodhead not getting a penalty shouldn't be celebrated — I don't get an award for completing probation

I respect the fact that you have never been penalized in the NFL. I think it's impressive, but isn't it a little bit silly that people are celebrating you for not breaking the law? Like, it's sad that it's come to the point where you've got literally only one player in the league who plays by the rules. It's like I don't get an award if I complete my probation without breaking back into the pet store.