Takes

Serge Ibaka being well-endowed is a known fact confirmed by rumors

[Serge Ibaka]... Everyone knows [he's] got a big dick. That's just a fact from a rumor.

A combine wardrobe malfunction is the best way to let the world know you're well-endowed

It's rare that you can get it out there in a non-bragging way... This, when you actually think about it, this is probably the best possible way to let the whole world know, like, hey, I'm about to become an NFL player, make millions of dollars, and oh yeah, did you see [that]?

The Pope should leave science to people who don't feel global warming

Lord, please tell the Pope that he needs to leave the science to all of us who don't feel the effects of global warming.

Putting the Bill Simmons podcast on notice

I'm putting the Bill Simmons podcast on notice this week, baby. I'm coming for you, Bill. There's nothing you can do to stop me. It's a revolution.

Dan Campbell might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl

I personally think he might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl.

Interim head coaches are the best part of the NFL

Interim head coaches are without a doubt the best part of the NFL.

Hitler was the interim head coach of the fatherland

Back in 1933, the German President Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor, which roughly translates to interim head coach of the fatherland. And he ruled for four years under the title of temporary chancellor until they could find a turnaround expert to bring in.

Instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, we should go back to make Hitler comparisons earlier

Maybe instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, we should figure out a way to make people go back in time so that we can be able to make comparisons to Hitler before Hitler rises to power. And a lot of people don't think about that type of thing, but I do.

Jesus was an interim head coach who succeeded like Bill Belichick

Jesus got a start as an interim head coach and it was kind of a Monte Kiffin, Lane Kiffin type situation. God hired his son, let him operate as a coordinator for a while until he proved himself. You got to say it did work out for him in the long term, kind of like a Bill Belichick, Cleveland Browns, Patriots type deal. Ended up in a great position in the long run.

Dan Campbell shot his load too fast as interim coach

The problem with a guy like Dan is sometimes you come and you shoot your load too fast. On his first day on the job, he put his team through Oklahoma drills. But on day one, he also did the practice squad player sacrifice. Now, that puts you in a day two dilemma when your team comes in with their hair on fire.

Throw away the red no-contact jerseys — all lives matter on my football team

I'd also take the red no-contact shirts that the quarterbacks and the kickers wear. I'd throw them in the trash. We don't discriminate on my football team. All lives matter. If you can't handle your contact, then I can't handle your contract.

If you're swallowing you're wallowing — players shouldn't need water breaks

I turn off the water supply of the building, too. If you're swallowing, you're wallowing. I want players who don't need water breaks. It's also an unnecessary expense, and the owner will be very appreciative of my cost-cutting efforts.

Rob Ryan has been robbed of an interim head coaching opportunity

The biggest shock in the world to me, looking down the history of interim head coaches, the fact that Rob Ryan has never gotten the title of interim head coach. Despite being the defensive coordinator for such stable franchises as the Raiders, the Browns, and the Cowboys, he has never gotten a shot at being an interim head coach. And that's because he's too much of a wild card to ever be an interim head coach.

Masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets an interim head coaching opportunity

I am personally willing to put my money where my mouth is for a Rob Ryan head coaching tenure. I'm ready to go on a masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets at least an interim head coaching opportunity. No Rob, no rub. That's a fact. It's quite literally the least I could do.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

Kids should preemptively tear their ACLs like a Tommy John procedure

If a running back was born without two knee ligaments, then they wouldn't have had their entire life to become over-reliant on their knee ligaments, and they'd actually be fine. So what I'm advocating is almost like a Tommy John type deal. It's an operation for the young kids. You preemptively tear both your ACLs, and so then that way they have more time to unlearn the bad habits that you get from playing on healthy knees before you become a pro.

Johnny Manziel is locker room cancer — he is injured

I just don't like the cut of this guy's jib, folks. He's locker room cancer. Not only is he injuring himself with his bad decisions, but he's injuring the entire rest of the team, infecting them with locker room leukemia. He is injured.

Being 6-0 isn't impressive because every team has been undefeated at some point

A lot of people forget that at some point this year, every single team has been undefeated. So is 6-0 really that impressive for you guys?

Andy Dalton is elite and we're past the Joe Flacco debate

I can sense that paradigm shift as well. We're not talking so much about Joey anymore. We're talking about Andy. Is he elite? 6-0 sounds pretty good, but I'm a what have you done for me in September, what have you done for me through January kind of guy.

NFL pros shouldn't have contact with college teams if college players can't contact pros

I'm of the mindset that if you're in college and you're not allowed to have any contact whatsoever with a professional team or an agent, then when you're a professional, you should not have any contact with your college team or you should not be able to take a class or learn anything really.

NFL teams should scrimmage during the bye week to keep working

Teams should do a full contact scrimmage on Sunday during the bye week at any rate just to keep the work going.

Andy Dalton's red hair gives the Bengals an unfair competitive advantage

His hair seems to be almost more red than it was last year. Like he's doubling down on his Dalton. Do you think it's unfair that Andy Dalton has something different than any other quarterback in the NFL? There's no way that you can game plan for that. What are you going to put in on scout team? Are you going to hire one of the guys from Pete and Pete to be a situational scout team player so that you can prepare for that on Sunday?

The correct touchdown dance is handing the ball to the ref and acting like you've been there before

Both are incorrect answers. The answer is you hand the ball to the official and you act like you've been there before.

Christians are empirically more successful NFL players than any other denomination

Based on empirical evidence, Christians are much more successful NFL players than any other denomination. You've never heard a quarterback thank Satan for winning the Super Bowl. The NFL stands for Never Faithless. And guess what? Jesus is the leading receiver of all time.

Arian Foster should convert to Christianity to improve his play

Arian Foster is a noted atheist. If there's one thing that God hates more than the devil, it's people like Foster who don't have the courage to believe in anything beyond the nose on their face.

Atheism is the default setting for humans — a lazy man's religion

Atheism, it's a lazy man's religion because it's the default setting for humans. When you get reincarnated, God hits the reset to manufacturer specifications button on your soul, and it's up to you to figure out a way out of the mess.

DeAngelo Williams needs to understand America cares about his highlights on the field, not in his hair

What DeAngelo Williams needs to understand is that America cares more about the highlights he puts on the field than the highlights he puts in his hair.

The NFL needs an awareness month for fans who don't have cancer

I think at the same token, the NFL needs to also have an awareness month for their fans who don't have cancer, to be fair.

Build a wall around Washington D.C. instead of the border

A wall is not going to keep people from invading our country at all. What we need to do is we need to actually build a wall around Washington, D.C. to keep everybody in. We tell them, hey, we're building this to protect you from invaders and immigration. But in reality, we've got them right where we want them and where we can keep an eye on them. And then all of us on the outside get to do whatever the hell we want.

Brady's pee is excellence — getting peed on by him means second base with Gisele

If you look at Brady's piss, on the other hand, Brady's piss consists primarily of excellence. And plus, with the transitive property of genitalia, if Brady pees on my hands, then I've technically gotten to second base with Giselle. So, gotta lean Brady on this one.

More players should pull a John Elway and refuse to play for anyone but their hometown team

I don't know why more players don't come from college and pull a John Elway and pull themselves out of the draft and refuse to play for any other team except the one that is closest geographically to their hometown. That's what I would do. I guess I'm a little bit more old-fashioned than most people.

Water makes you weak — real football players do swish and spit

When I was a high school football player, I used to always tell the underclassmen that water makes you weak. So we do like swish and spit.

Chris Long's Waterboys should focus on building gyms, not wells

Don't you think human beings -- aren't you doing them a disservice? Shouldn't you be focusing your efforts to build them a gym or a foam room?

Defensive ends should jimmy tap quarterbacks to get sacks

If you're coming off the edge, a lot of times you take an angle directly at the quarterback, and that's exactly what the offensive tackle is expecting you to do. So what you could do maybe instead is take an angle just a little bit inside of the quarterback, and while you're running past him, just hit him real quick with a jimmy tap right between the legs. Right in the dick. I don't feel like that technique is emphasized enough in today's coaching environment. It's almost a technique that you have to imagine Belichick is emphasizing right now before they change the rules, before it gets exploited.

Joe Flacco is not elite — Serial investigation

Is Joe Flacco an elite quarterback? This week's episode: he gets paid like one. Could it be a coincidence that Flacco had bet on himself going into the best season of all time? You have to ask yourself, who stood to gain from Flacco's Super Bowl victory? And the answer is, you guessed it, Joe Flacco. Just weeks after winning the championship, the Ravens rewarded him with a six-year, $120 million contract. You can't make this stuff up, folks. It's as plain as the nose underneath your eyebrow. Not Elite.

Ray Nagin spent New Orleans' electricity budget on drive-through daiquiris and bribes

The Superdome lights burned out because the city of New Orleans hadn't paid their bills. Former Mayor Ray Nagin had spent the entire city's electricity budget on drive-through daiquiris and bribes.

Flacco disappeared for 15 minutes during the Super Bowl blackout and no one can account for his whereabouts

When asked what he was doing during the half-hour break, Flacco says he doesn't recall, and that he was probably just hanging out with friends and stuff. But that doesn't really check out when you dig into it, especially when you consider that there was about 15 minutes of game time where Flacco disappeared, no stats at all, and no one can account for his whereabouts.

If you're PC police, you have to tell me — otherwise it's entrapment

If you're a PC police, you have to tell me. Otherwise, it's entrapment. I know my rights.

James Harrison was right to take away his son's participation trophy

He made some news last month when he rightfully stole his six-year-old son's participation trophy because he didn't feel that his son had earned it. And while Harrison was without a doubt correct in doing this, he didn't have to throw it all over the news to get a pat on the back from the national media just for doing the right thing that he's supposed to do.

The Steelers are a team that conducts business the right way

Overall, the Steelers are their team that conducts business the right way. In fact, I think it was team owner Art Rooney that pulled Harrison aside and really backed him up back in 2008 when Harrison got arrested for domestic assault. Of course, I'm not here to condone domestic assault, but you have to look at the facts and wait for all the facts to come out.

Baptism is the ultimate participation trophy

When you think about it, isn't baptizing a child the ultimate participation trophy? They haven't earned shit yet. They're just a little kid. And you're trying to get them into the kingdom of heaven? I'm sorry, maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but that's some bullshit. You have to go out there and you have to earn eternal salvation. All of a sudden, we're giving this kid the keys to the kingdom just for showing up? That doesn't sound like the God I know. My God doesn't like moochers.

Cam Newton hasn't earned the right to get calls from refs

Last weekend he was complaining to the ref, he was whining about beating the New Orleans Saints because Ed Hochuli didn't give him a call. And Ed Hochuli told them, you haven't earned the right to get that call yet. You haven't been in the league long enough to get that call. It's more entitlement.

Two sprained ankles is better than one because at least you're symmetrical

We got Jason Witten. Two sprained ankles. You know the old saying in the NFL, if you've got two sprained ankles, you don't have one. And I'd rather have both my feet hurt than just one because now at least you're symmetrical. Jason Witten, he's hurt, not injured.

Jason Pierre-Paul is injured because the game is literally called football, not handball

He's been sitting out the past couple of weeks with a blown up hand, really milking it. And the name of the game is literally football. How important is your hand? This isn't pinch ball or smoke a cigarette ball. And again, it makes sense that a guy who lost both his thumb and forefinger is out there missing snaps. So I'll give this one to him. I'm not happy about it. JPP is injured.

Aaron Rodgers has about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck

Quarterback wins are kind of like a woman's eggs. Because most people don't realize it but a woman, she's only born with a finite number of eggs. So with quarterbacks, it's the exact same thing because they've only got a certain amount of wins that are in their system. If they don't space them out, then they start to regress early. I think he's got about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck.

Playing on more dangerous surfaces makes football safer

We're making the game less safe by no longer playing it on concrete. And now we're adding like a new bar to the face mask every week. And it's counterintuitive, but if you look at it from a macro point of view, which I am, if you want players to care about their safety a little bit more, then you need to force them to play on more dangerous surfaces.

Joe Flacco is elite because he literally blew out the Superdome scoreboard

My subsequent investigation determined that the 21-point first-half beatdown that Baltimore hung all over the 49ers was the highest first-half point total in the Dome that year, up until that point. The scoreboard simply couldn't handle all the electricity needed to keep up with Flacco's lightning, quick-release and high-voltage offense. Quite simply, he blew the scoreboard out. That sounds pretty damn elite to me.

Nick Saban was right to not sign Drew Brees to the Dolphins

Nick Saban gets a bum rap for bailing out on the Dolphins. He recruited Dante Culpepper. But in reality, Drew Brees' shoulder, it was the sword of Damocles, and it was hanging by a labrum. If Saban had brought Brees to Miami, then the entire franchise would be hamstrung by that big contract, and they wouldn't be able to go out and afford impact players like your Mike Wallace's and your Ndamukong Suh's that they're bringing to town.

Adolf Hitler would have been a Seattle Seahawks fan

Hitler, who do you think his team would be? I say it's the Seahawks, and let me tell you why. Because A, we know that his team is going to be easily swayed with things like candy, right? Marshawn Lynch loves Skittles.

Hitler canceling football seasons is an underrated bad thing he did

If you really like football, he probably wouldn't have started World War II, which de facto canceled the 1942 through 1944 NFL seasons. It wasn't called the NFL, but he canceled football. So in the first place, that's kind of fucked up. And nobody really talks about that when they're talking about all the bad stuff Hitler did. So I'd like to kind of raise a little bit of awareness there.