Takes

Uncrustables are the perfect meal

It's really the perfect meal, an Uncrustables.

Sitting in all-inclusive seats at a baseball game is not a flex because it just turns you into a "toxic wasteland" of gas

If you go to all-inclusive for the baseball game, it's fart city. That's all you're gonna do for the rest of the day. You just eat so many things... By the third inning I'm a toxic wasteland. It rules though.

I would rather be the New England Patriots than the New York Jets right now

Would you rather be in the position of the New England Patriots right now as an organization, as a franchise or the New York Jets? [I say] Patriots. Why is that? Go on. Expound better organizational structure in general, but in terms of right direction. Wrong direction.

The Ravens are one of the best teams in the entire league right now

The Ravens are one of the best teams in the entire league right now. So I I'm very much looking forward to seeing how they operate with an awesome passing offense.

Dan Campbell needs to be consistently aggressive instead of shriveling at the end of games

What the fuck was [Dan Campbell] doing at the end of the game when the Lions had the ball at the 50 with all three timeouts down three. And they basically were like, let's play for overtime. That didn't make any sense at all. If you're gonna be aggressive, be aggressive all the time. It's so frustrating when he doesn't do it at the end, when it probably makes the most sense to be aggressive.

Lions fans need to be more into the game than sexting about 'piss not squirt'

Lions fans. You gotta be more into the game. I'm gonna say it right now. That's bad fandom. You gotta be more into the game... His mind was not in the game. That's, you gotta be locked into the game. This is one of the biggest games the Lions have had... And your thought is not like, 'Ooh, how are we gonna convert this third down?' It's, 'Hey, just send me a video you pissing.'

The 2023 Dolphins have an asterisk season because of the officiating in the Patriots game

Dolphins two and oh. But everyone on Twitter is telling me it's a asterisk season. Oh. Because of this play... [That play was too cool], we can't erase this play from football history. And also, right now, that play is now erased from the memory of all football.

The 49ers are the best team in the NFL right now

The 49ers are a wagon. They are... they are so good and I think they are the best team in football right now.

Matt Campbell's coaching success was all due to Brock Purdy

Brock Purdy, so he did miss some big time like shot plays. I though think that Brock Purdy, we should start talking about Brock Purdy's greatness as it relates to Matt Campbell and the meltdown that Matt Campbell's career has had... Maybe it was all Brock Purdy. Brock Purdy deserves more credit for getting Matt Campbell to a point where all these schools were considering hiring him. 'cause since that moment he's done nothing.

I will buy into all of Aaron Rodgers' alternative healing methods if he returns from his Achilles injury in under four months

If Aaron Rodgers comes back this year, I will buy all the Aaron Rodgers like healing shit. I'll go on one of those retreats. I'll do everything. If he comes back from an Achilles in under four months and plays football, I'm buying all of it. I'm gonna, I'll suck the vaccines outta my body.

College kids should storm the field whenever they want, regardless of point spreads

My who's back of the week is people getting mad about kids running on Fields... People getting upset because Colorado won as a 24 point favorite against Colorado State in overtime and then everyone took to Twitter... I don't know how we keep having this debate. If you're between the ages of 18 and 24, squeeze all the fun outta life that you possibly can... People who are criticizing you probably are jealous that they don't have that much fun left to go.

Justin Jefferson is currently the best wide receiver in the NFL

And also Justin Jefferson kind of has a case. He's the best receiver of the football right now. It would be nice if he won some games. It would suck to be that much better than everyone else and be like, why are we 0-2?

These 2023 Detroit Lions are different and are legitimate Super Bowl contenders

I'm with you on this 1 49ers. I feel like they're, they might be the best team in the league through week one. [But] these Lions are different. That's all I keep saying to myself. Like they might be different. These lines. We're talking about those lines, you know. No. Are these lines, we're not talking about the same old lines. We're talking about these lines.

The Buffalo Bills must win convincingly against the Raiders to get their swagger back

It feels like the Bills have to win this game and they have to win it convincingly to get their swagger back a little bit. It does feel like it's kind of, I don't want to sound the alarm so bad, but the bills just, they need to win. They need to win this game and they need to do it well and they need to win by a lot.

The Bears must implement designed runs for Justin Fields to make the defense uncomfortable

I speak on behalf of America and probably all Bears fans. When I say let Justin Fields run the ball. Let him everything, put in some design runs for him. Let him stretch the defense out. Let them let the defense get uncomfortable and try to figure out where he's going to go. And then the passing game opens up when you do that.

The Cardinals defense is sneaky good and they are coached to be a dirty team

I still think that their defense is gonna be pretty good. No, I'm saying that because if you watch the X videos and the Twitter chrome on it Max that defense was headhunting. They, they, they were coached that way. I'm telling you, watch the Cardinals this week. Tell me that they don't take like sneaky violent shots. They're, they're a dirty team.

A healthy 2011-2012 Bulls team would have beaten the 'Heatles' in a playoff series

I really felt like if we were healthy we would've got 'em, you know? But it was cool 'cause it wasn't, it wasn't, it was a thing where it wasn't just Chicago that was rooting against them. It was the whole, the whole country was rooting against the heat. and we were the team that kind of had a shot.

The unluckiness of the New York Jets is unrivaled in professional sports

The power of the unluckiness of the New York Jets is unrivaled in professional sports. I feel bad for Mike Greenberg... but if I'm in the trust tree, it was also kind of funny... that they had six months where it's like we finally solved our quarterback situation... and then four plays in, it's like, well, we're fucked again.

Announcers need to stop saying 'asterisk' on wins

I don't know why it's become a thing that announcers are now saying asterisk. They did it for the Lions game too. Tarico did the asterisk for No Kelsey, Chris Jones. And then last night they're like, well, asterisk there was tripping on the part return. Who the fuck cares. The Wind's a win.

Colin Kaepernick would suck if he returned to the NFL now because he hasn't played in seven years

[Kaepernick], he hasn't played in what, six years? Seven years. So he's gonna come back and he's gonna suck ass because he hasn't played football in forever... if you love Colin Kaepernick, if you think he got jobbed by the NFL, you should actually be hoping and praying that he does not get a chance to play anymore.

Matt Ryan would be worse than Zach Wilson behind the Jets' offensive line

I don't know if Matt Ryan would be worse than Zach Wilson... I think he would just because their offensive line is a big question mark. And you're putting Matt Ryan back into harm's way. He can't move.

Josh Allen is still a much better quarterback than Dak Prescott

As far as I'm concerned, Josh Allen's still much better quarterback than Dak Prescott. Dak had a better week one. Yes... but you saw something different [last night].

The PAC-12 is currently the most dominant conference in the country

The lead story right now is the PAC 12 is the most dominant conference in the country. They have eight teams in the top 25 right now... It's insane to me that the PAC 12 has been around for a hundred years and they just timed it two years too late.

Texas's victory over Alabama was not a fluke; the Longhorns were simply the superior team

This officially Texas being back because like it didn't feel like the memes... they just went into Alabama and whooped their ass. It wasn't some fluke thing... I think Texas is just a very good team... Alabama was just the inferior team on the field on Saturday.

This version of Alabama is not good enough to be a CFP contender

This version of Alabama is not good or not good enough to be a college football [contender]... Saban is the greatest college coach of all time, and he does adapt better than any college coach. But he has to adapt again.

The Seahawks' secondary is extremely dangerous and overlooked

Seattle Seahawks, if they can get a pass rush generated, I think they're gonna be pretty good. Their secondary is bananas, bro. I'm talking about Their secondary is very dangerous. Woolen is, he's not getting a lot of credit. But that young man... I think he's gonna lock down some receivers this year.

The Commanders' defensive line is right up there with the Jets as the best in the league

The D is legit in DC. So, so legit. It's, we have an awesome defense. I'm not gonna apologize again for beating the Cardinals. Our defensive line is fucking awesome. We're probably amongst the best in the league. I would put us right up there with the New York Jets is having the best defensive line.

The 49ers have the best roster in professional football

When you watch the 49ers play defense, and when they're humming they are so violent and so fast. Everything like every hole is just, is completely stuffed in a second. They're flying around. It just was a nice reminder like, oh yeah, the 49ers when they have a quarterback who can actually, who has an arm and I'm talking about literally an arm because Brock Purdy didn't have won the NFC championship game. They're the best roster in, in pro football.

Brock Purdy is a good quarterback on any team, not just the 49ers

I I I'm upgrading my Brock Purdy take from not just being good on the 49ers to just being a good quarterback. Yeah. I think he'd be, I think he'd be okay on any team. He wouldn't be as good obviously as he is on the Niners. 'cause he fits that system perfectly and it's a very quarterback friendly system. But I think he's just a good quarterback.

Baker Mayfield was the best quarterback that nobody wanted this offseason

I feel like Baker [Mayfield] was the best quarterback that nobody wanted this off-season. I think people threw him under the bus way too soon. They put him on the junk heap too soon. I don't think he's gonna be like a top five, top 10 quarterback, but I think he'll be, he could be a good quarterback.

The Dolphins vs. Chargers game was the greatest Week 1 game of all time

This is the greatest week, week game ever. This this was the greatest week one game of all time. By far. Dolphins 36. Chargers 34 Tua. All the Tua haters out there. T Anon expect us 466 yards, three touchdowns.

Don't judge CJ Stroud too harshly for his performance against the Ravens in his NFL debut

CJ Stroud... basically the worst place to start your career. Yeah. Against the Ravens who just, they, they're similar to the Niners where it feels like every time there's a pass into like the flat, there's six Ravens that are ready to just take your head off... so I can't You can't fully judge him based On Today.

Puka Nacua is awesome

I was very low on the Rams this year. and then Puka Nacua from BYU who just like didn't play last year. I, every game I was like, oh, is he gonna play? Is he gonna play? He's awesome. He had 119 yards and Tutu Atwell had 119 yards and they don't have Cooper Cup for a few weeks. And the Rams just dominated the Seahawks, which I was, it shocked me.

Jordan Love is average at best and the Bears are just that bad

I still don't think Jordan Love's that good. I don't, I think the Bears are just that bad. I think Jordan Love's average at best.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT and Federer is a boy toy

The Joker 24 and counting. Joker's the best. He's the goat. I root for winners. I am a winner. I root for winners. Joker the man. Your little fucking boy toy. Roger Federer. Joker's Got you. Bitch.

The Chiefs would have won the season opener against the Lions if Kadarius Toney didn't play

I actually think the Chiefs would've won that game without Kadarius Toney. He gave them an a pick six. He then dropped that ball at the end of the game where it was just easily catchable. He dropped that third down conversion when the guy ran across his face. If you just take him away and just have someone run routes but never get the ball, you win that game.

Deshaun Watson is the perfect quarterback for the Browns because his off-field issues prevent the media from over-hyping the team

Deshaun Watson, everything off the field, I think he's the perfect quarterback for, for the Browns... because a lot of people don't wanna talk about the Browns 'cause of Deshaun Watson. So it tempers the Browns hype. And the Browns are one of those teams I put in the category of like never overhype the Browns.

This is a legacy-defining season for Kyle Shanahan where he must win the Super Bowl

I'm ready to say it. I think this is a legacy year for Kyle Shanahan. I think he has to win the Super Bowl or else his pristine championship pedigree has been tarnished. If he wins the Super Bowl, he will be the number one coach in the NFL. This is a legacy defining season for him.

If Dan Marino played in today's NFL, he would pass for 6,000 yards in a season

Marino changed the game. Marino in today's game, he'd approach 6,000 yards probably. He'd throw for 50 [touchdowns] because that wasn't the difficulty for him. He was doing that before. And he is convincing Don Shula a defensive minded head coach to let him throw the ball as much as he wants.

Trey Lance is not a better quarterback than Cooper Rush

But Trey Lance isn't better than Cooper Rush. [Big Cat: I don't know.] No. You think? No.

The Kansas City Chiefs are testing the public with the Travis Kelce and Chris Jones news to invite doubt before the season

They are testing us with the Kansas City Chiefs. First Chris Jones sits out, is maybe not gonna play week one. Now Travis unfortunately has a hyperextension in his knee... They're basically at the buzzer... saying, 'Hey, let's invite all the doubters... let's have this doubt creep in so that we can have that rat poison in the locker room.'

I will never bet on the Los Angeles Chargers again

So here's one thing that I will trust. Pass me on. Do not believe the c words. Do not believe their lies. Right. I am not going, if I'm gonna move off the Chiefs, I'm not going to the team in Los Angeles. I'm not gonna do that.

Dabo Swinney's refusal to adapt to NIL and the transfer portal is his downfall

He's so resistant to change when college football has so drastically changed in the last five years. It's kind of great to be like, dude, all you had to do was embrace it and realize that everything is changing around you. You gotta change. Like Nick Saban has always changed.

Dabo Swinney is cooked because he refuses to embrace the transfer portal and NIL

Clemson though, done. Dabo. It's so bury—so great. Burying Dabo. Bury him... Dabo is not a likable guy. You had your run. And it does—it is kind of nice. If Dabo didn't say all the stuff about NIL and transfer portal, I, I would feel a little bit worse. But he's so resistant to change when college football has so drastically changed in the last five years.

Russell Wilson was never the elite quarterback people thought he was and is now unfixable

Is Russell Wilson unfixable? Yeah. To ever be the quarterback that everybody thought he was. Yes. He's never gonna be that. He never was. That he was a good functional quarterback who had the top ranked scoring defense four straight years in the league... they made it easy on him.

The New England Patriots have one of the worst rosters and offensive lines in the NFL

You look at that roster, ugh. It's bad. The offensive line isn't good. The questions about Mac Jones, the receivers... they're the worst quarterback team in the division... New England's one of [the worst O-lines]. Their line stinks.

Running backs should not be subject to the franchise tag

I think we're one of the positions that I think should not be on a tag. I think, you know, the beat, the beat that we take, the, the overload. You know, if you're one of those great and one of those special players, you get the overload. You get 400 touches a year damn near. So it's like, no, I think we shouldn't, we shouldn't be able to get a tag.

I shouldn't have been draftable if I were playing basketball because power forwards make more money

I'd be seeing these, seeing these contracts come out. I'd be like, 'Whoa man, like, I think I'm in the wrong sport.'... [If my son plays], we might go be hooping or something.

I believe in ghosts now because Big Cat's gambling ghost said the Jets are winning the Super Bowl

I'm starting to see the trend, man. Everything lead right up to it. Everybody's selling the Jets in the Super Bowl... I believe in ghosts now. Yes.

Colorado is officially 'more back' than Nebraska

A team that had no hope and was like in utter despair has beaten Nebraska to the back meter and, and maybe Nebraska can win on Saturday and that they get more back. But right now Colorado is more back than Nebraska.