Takes

If Tom Brady wins with the Chargers, he's officially better than Eli Manning

If he went to the Chargers and then read far back and prove once and for all... if he's able to win with the Chargers [he is better than Eli Manning].

Coronavirus is currently a solid 8-seed in the 'Who's Now' bracket

I'll say it to you this way in my who's now bracket. The Corona virus is a solid eight seed.

Winning a foot race against your girlfriend is a lose-lose situation

I don't care how much gloating she was doing before the fact if you beat your girlfriend and a foot race, and then you're like, yes suck it bitch. I'm faster than you. That's probably going to end your relationship. So you almost have to throw it.

The mockery of NFL Combine hand size measurements has gone too far; it actually matters for quarterback performance.

I think the pendulum has swung so far into mocking combine season. I actually hate it now... It might not directly correlate, but would you not rather have a guy with a bigger hand than a smaller hand? There is absolutely a benefit to having a big hand if you're trying to grip a football in the rain or cold.

In the modern NFL, having a transcendental offense is better than having a very good defense.

I'd say that having a transcendental offense is probably better usually than having a very good defense because it's extremely hard to put together all the pieces on defense... just one of those easy things to just be like, 'Hey, we want to have an explosive offense.'

If Zion Williamson is truly 300 pounds, he is the most impressive athlete of all time.

If Zion is 300 pounds, he's the most impressive athlete of all time. He's doing this as a 300-pounder... Better numbers than rookie LeBron. It's incredible watching him.

Jimmy Garoppolo is not a championship-caliber quarterback because he missed the throw to Emmanuel Sanders.

I'm taking 20 percent off retail on [Jimmy Garoppolo]. He did not perform. He had a minute and a half, I said, 'this is his moment to shine.' He did nothing... he missed that throw to Emmanuel Sanders. That was it. You can't be forgiven for that.

Madison's stance on Peter sleeping with other women is normal for real life but irrational for The Bachelor.

In the normal world, the problems that Madison have where it's like, 'Hey, we might be getting engaged next week, I don't want you sleeping with other girls the week before we get engaged,' that is normal. In The Bachelor Cinematic Universe, you know what you signed up for. What are we doing here?

UFC has ruined my brain for watching boxing

I have a take that UFC has kind of ruined my brain when it comes to boxing... I watched that fight and I was like why the fuck isn't he submitting him? Like, why isn't he taking him to the ground? Why isn't he kneeing him in the face? It's just there's a level of violence in the UFC that you expect when you see a fight and you're like I was sitting there watching like why isn't Fury just sit on him.

Pay-per-view shamers need to get a life

You pay per view shamers. I see you you guys get get a fucking life the people who pre complain about the fight there like I'm not going to buy the fight because probably the last like three rounds and the undercard sucks. It's not about the fight. It is about the fight but it's also about the experience of buying the pay-per-view and being like, holy shit.

Brad Stevens being too nice to referees hurts the Celtics

Brad Stevens like his face and the fact that he treats refs was so much respect hurts him because if he just raises his voice a little he gets a technical foul. That was a bullshit technical foul. What kind of just calling a technical foul with a minute left in the game is also who does that?

The Heat, Thunder, and Nets are the most forward-thinking NBA organizations

I look at you know, you got to look at the Thunder I They've done a good job the Nets on the obviously getting KD and Kyrie. I think a lot of the Nets is situation has to do with creativity but also information... Indiana. I think has a great kind of culture already set... I like what Miami is doing right now.

John Beilein failed in Cleveland because he treated NBA players like college kids

I think he thought that what his methods were in college. Were going to work at the NBA level and it just wasn't even close... one person described him as a dictator and that's not the way you talk to NBA players... once that Thug comment was made and he went back and said nah, I'm at slugs. I think the players knew that that was never said.

Jim Boylen uses timeouts to delay the inevitable loss because he's a football guy

I think Jim Boylen is so disgusted with losing. He is a football guy in a basketball guys suit. He's so disgusted with losing. I think he uses timeouts the end of a game to literally stop time to delay the inevitable loss. I got you like he can basically say look, it's almost like it's almost like the end of Sunday Night Football when you're like, I don't have to go back to work.

Jameis Winston is a future Hall of Famer

If you learn more from a loss and interception than you do from throwing a touchdown or winning a game like [Jameis Winston] is going to be—that's why he's a future Hall of Famer. He's just storing up all the knowledge right now.

The NFL should eliminate the week of Christmas from the schedule

All Christmas week, just eliminate that week on the schedule of NFL football because you can watch bowl games. There's NBA Christmas and it will make you force you to spend more time with your family... and also you look like—this is also a win for NFL where they can say, 'We give the players Christmas week off.'

All screenwriting books are absolute bullshit

I just said for the fuck of it one day: All screenwriting books are bullshit. All of them. Read screenplays, watch movies, and let those be your guide... if you have to go to a Radisson for a seminar, it's fake. It's fake.

You only learn a commissioner's name if they have fucked up

If you learn a commissioner's name it's because they fucked up at some point. It's like learning the name of an offensive lineman or a referee in football.

Ryan Newman surviving his Daytona crash is a testament to NASCAR's safety improvements

The fact that he was able to survive that wreck with serious injuries, but the fact that he's still alive is just incredible and it's honestly like a testament to what NASCAR has done since Dale Earnhardt passed away at the Daytona 500 20 years ago.

College coaches moving to the NBA often fail because they treat grown men like kids

I love when that happens. When a college coach thinks they can go to the pros and be just as much of a dickhead as they were in college and then everyone in the NBA or NFL is like hey, we don't really have to do all these things that you're making us do because we kind of know how to do it ourselves.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred's comments about the World Series trophy made the Astros scandal significantly worse.

Rob Manfred the commissioner made it even worse by getting in front of reporters and saying the idea of an asterisks or asking for a piece of metal [the World Series trophy] back seems like a futile act... he called the World Series trophy a piece of metal which is not... most dangerous trophy in all sports.

The Chicago Bulls would have won the 2012 NBA Championship if Derrick Rose hadn't suffered an ACL injury.

If Derrick Rose doesn't go down... I think we're holding the trophy. We're the best team in the league. We got the job in my mind still to this day. There's no question. Nobody was fucking with us.

Joakim Noah is an NBA Hall of Famer.

There you are one of only five players to have a final four MVP, all-nba first team, all-defensive first team... Hakeem and Anthony Davis, Bill Walton, Jerry West... I think you're a Hall of Famer.

Justin Bieber's 'too bad' DM to Ria on Valentine's Day was a 'flirty' response.

He just like it was in one of those Twitter moments... and her tweet was in there... so he said what do you say to her? Too bad. Too bad. That's a little flirty.

Jim Crane's apology somehow made the Astros' cheating scandal significantly worse

The Houston Astros have finally faced the media and I think they somehow made it significantly worse. They're all forgiven. This was a great apology. You trot Jose Altuve out there for 30 seconds... Jim Crane, the owner... said in his opinion, it didn't impact the game. Yes, they cheated, he admitted they cheated, but it didn't impact the game. Then, when asked whether it was crazy that he just said it didn't impact the game, he defiantly said, 'I didn't say that,' even though he said it 50 seconds earlier.

Jay Cutler is 'insane' to think he could win a handball gold medal in three months

He is insane. He cannot win an Olympic medal training two or three months. You have the potential to be amazing athletes and compete at a high level, but when you want to cook that food, you need the technique... It takes time to be able to be a professional and very good handball player. In the short term, it's impossible. In the long term, it takes years.

The NBA All-Star Weekend is ruined by gimmicks and 'LeBron-ification'

The LeBron-ification of the NBA really is actually the John-ification because he's terrible at drafting... And the Three-Point Contest has a four-pointer now. It's like, what is this Ice Cube-ification? I feel like an old man yelling at a cloud... It's not my NBA.

No one is in a committed relationship at the Jersey Shore during summer

Here's the thing about the Jersey Shore is you fall in love with clubs. You don't fall in love with other people... No one's in a relationship at the Jersey Shore, or inside of a Real World house.

I am in on the proposed 14-team MLB playoff format

I personally, it's crazy. It's stupid. And I know baseball purists will hate it. But from a fundamental level of making September more enjoyable, making a lot of markets still feel like they have a shot, having just more playoff baseball... and eliminating the one game playoff that always kind of feels like it screws someone over. I'm kind of in on this.

Andy Dalton is a better quarterback than Jimmy Garoppolo

I was going to say Andy Dalton greater than Jimmy G... If they [the Patriots] had Andy Dalton, they probably would be winning as well.

Taysom Hill is the bacon of the NFL

Taysom Hill is like, he's like bacon, right? Bacon makes some dishes better, you would say... Then when you get to the 2010 internet guy who's like epic bacon wins, I'm going to make bacon flavored ice cream... you're like, no, actually bacon kind of sucks... Taysom Hill is the bacon of the NFL.

Carson Wentz is an MVP-caliber quarterback and better than Dak Prescott

Carson's great... you can't look at the numbers that the guy put up... he put the team on his back... [Is he better than Dak?] Absolutely. Yes. Not a hesitation there.

The Phillie Phanatic is the best mascot in sports

Phillie fanatic... is hands down the best mascot in sports. I love him... I met him out of his suit in Clearwater at spring training... Respect.

Top Gun: Maverick is a five-ball movie

[How many balls would you give Top Gun 2?] Five. [So you do know the system.] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1917 was a better movie than Parasite

I did like 1917 more, but Parasite was just as good. Like it was one of those—let the record show, 1917 was better.

Russell Wilson looks like a baby caterpillar dipped in Vaseline in his latest photoshoot

[Russell Wilson] looks like a baby caterpillar, those fuzzy baby caterpillars dipped in Vaseline.

Tennessee will never be 'back'

Tennessee is like—no, it's not like... Tennessee will never be back, but we're not like threatened by Tennessee saying it. No, I love burnt orange.

Andre Iguodala is the finesse king of the world

Andre Iguodala, the finesse king of the world, somehow sat out for half the year and is now getting paid more. He got two years, $30 million at age 36. And to live in Miami. That is... my guy got to promote his book, spend time with his family, get his mind right, and then gets to move to Miami and gets a shitload of money.

The Clippers got much better by adding Marcus Morris

I actually do think that the Clippers got a lot better. Oh, yeah. ... Marcus Morris, which is going to be awesome when they go up against LeBron. I feel like he's one of those guys in the league who... there's no LeBron stopper, but he's one of the guys who can make him annoyed. He wants to annoy LeBron to no end.

The Cleveland Cavaliers are going all-in for the 8-seed

Then the Cavs did the opposite and traded for [Andre] Drummond and were like, we're going to go for this. ... There's nothing better than the team that's just like, we're all in for the 8 seed.

The Dodgers have to win one because their 'all-ins' are becoming pathetic

And now the Dodgers, I mean, how many all-ins can the Dodgers... The Dodgers are going to break the record for the most all-ins. This decade, this is like their fifth or sixth all in. You've got to win one, Dodgers. This is so pathetic.

I'm letting Big Cat and PFT fight my media battles while I stay quiet until the season starts

I think you can continue what we talked about. You fight back when I can't right now. I'm going to let it die down a little bit. I'm going to let you guys be on the front line for me. And then as soon as the season starts, I'll be back.

The 2019 season was the first time I wasn't having fun playing football

Yeah, that was the first time I'd say I really wasn't having fun playing football. So for me, it's getting back to square one of I love the game of football. I'm going to make it fun. And that's how I play my best.

Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons cannot play together

I mean the Sixers are in a big trouble. I'm prop trust the process. They don't know what to do. They have two guys that can't play together.

Always bet against cold-weather teams when they play in Miami

I've had a long-standing theory that any team from a cold-weather city or a city that's going through cold weather whenever they go to Miami bet against him. Yeah, of course and I mean, it's doubly true when you can see you can literally go on Instagram and see them at the game having a great time.

Urban Meyer would be a great fit at Michigan State so he can beat Michigan from another angle

How bad would it be if Urban Meyer went there? Oh, that'd be so fun and beat the fuck out of Michigan from the other angle. Yes, you know the thought has occurred to him in the last six hours.

Fortunes are made by creating products that make people say 'why didn't I think of that' combined with luck

The biggest fortunes are made with two things something that somebody does where everybody says fuck why didn't I think of that and then you need a little bit of luck... I made a shitload of money because I was lucky to stock market was happening.

Major League Baseball is 'fucked' because they restrict highlights on social media

Major League Baseball because they are very strict about what you can post on social media. They're fucked like you can't you can't take a highlight... their logic is they want to monetize all those views through their own proprietary feeds. The NBA is the exact opposite.

LeBron James is using his name to help the Knicks front office as leverage for his son's future

Rich Paul being the president of the Knicks... LeBron James being like hey use my name to get my son drafted... This is LeBron James being like hey use my name to get my son drafted... LeBron James never plays for the Knicks. No, absolutely no no chance in hell.

General Managers and Owners should be allowed to call timeouts from the booth

By the way, I think that owners and general managers should be able to call timeouts from the booth. I think that'd be great, a nice little addition to the game. Just get in the game.