Takes

Jamal Murray won't score 50 points again this season because he offended the basketball gods

The basketball gods are thundering down upon Jamal Murray. He's not going to score 50 points ever this year because he tried that Mickey Mouse stunt [of shooting a late three while up by 10].

Clemson is the only team with a chance to beat Alabama this year

The only team I can see maybe beating Alabama is possibly Clemson. But I only say that... because I'm an idiot, and I know Clemson and Alabama haven't played any common opponents, I don't think.

Alabama will finish 2018 undefeated and blow everyone out

Everyone in their record books when Alabama finishes an undefeated season and shit kicks everyone. And we'll be like, wait, you could get Alabama at minus 14 in a game in 2018? And you'd be like, that was really stupid. Why didn't we put a billion dollars on it?

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Texans win the Super Bowl

The Texans have won six straight. They started 0-3. We [Done Chained] them. They've got six straight. If they win the Super Bowl, I have to cut off the tip of my pinky, which I actually feel fine. I'm fine.

The Redskins will win the NFC East because the rest of the division sucks

Redskins NFC [East winners] since like week two... and it's not because I think that they're that good of a team. I think the division sucks.

The Eagles will eventually shake off their Super Bowl hangover and wake up

I just think the Eagles are going to come on because that's just, they feel get over their Super Bowl hangover. They're going to get over it. They're going to finally wake up.

LeBron James' vote of confidence for Luke Walton is a kiss of death

LeBron getting coaches fired... So he gave Luke Walton a vote of confidence. So you know what that means... Suspect kiss of death. ... You know what that means when LeBron says, no, I like Luke Walton. Yeah, you're done.

John Gruden will likely be out as Raiders head coach by next year

The good news is you only have nine more years of John Gruden. [But] what year do you think he's going to be out, though? Probably next year.

Nick Mullens will have a job for life as an NFL backup quarterback

Nick Mullens will have a job for life... he basically will have a Chase Daniel career where he can get paid in a million different stops and never play again and be fine.

Adam Thielen will have 147 yards and two touchdowns against the Lions

To me, this feels like an easy Vikings win. And it feels like Adam Thielen putting up like 147 yards, two touchdowns... I'm Thielen 13 targets, 9 catches.

I will submit Derrick Lewis in the second or third round

I'm going to submit the guy. Second, third round... I usually like the submission because what leads to the submission is just domination, like just exhaustion.

I only have two fights remaining in my career: Derrick Lewis and Brock Lesnar

I got two fights. I got this fight [Lewis] and then against Lesnar. That's it.

Hue Jackson will eventually claim he was fired because he refused to fire Todd Haley

I think at some point in the next several months moving forward here, we're going to hear an interview with Hue Jackson where he says, 'I was fired because I wouldn't fire Todd Haley.'

Trading for Demaryius Thomas makes the Texans a viable playoff contender

I think this actually makes the Texans a viable playoff contender. Well, okay. Three years ago. I want to caveat it by saying everything that I know about Demaryius Thomas, I stopped learning new things about him after the Super Bowl when they won.

Urban Meyer will coach the Packers and Mike McCarthy will coach the Browns

The tip that I got, I think I said it last week, that the dominoes have started to fall. Hugh Jackson gets fired. Urban Meyer goes to coach the Packers. Mike McCarthy gets fired, coaches the Browns because of John Dorsey. And then Bob Stoops comes and coaches Ohio State.

Nebraska will upset Ohio State

Nebraska's been really bad this week. They're fixing for a big upset. If they lost this game, Urban Meyer's out. I think they're going to lose. I think he's out.

Nathan Peterman will beat the Chicago Bears

Big Cat is on the hot seat... because your Chicago Bears have to play against Nathan Peterman on Sunday. Peterman's back... Nathan Peterman hasn't played his best game yet. And I know that because he wouldn't still be on the roster if he was that bad.

The Nicki Minaj and Cardi B beef will never actually end

I don't think it's going to end though. Give it like two months, the same cycle, spout off. [Nicki Minaj] has a radio show, so she needs shit to talk about.

The Dodgers' bullpen would be their undoing

I said that the Dodgers' bullpen was going to be their undoing. From the start. I also said Red Sox in five. So not to brag, but I called it.

The Packers will build off their close loss to the Rams

This is going to be a loss that the Packers can build off of. Well, they have a tough schedule coming up. They're going to build off this loss... I would be very woke on them.

I have very little faith in Ohio State winning the rest of their games

Ohio State, I have very little faith in them to win the rest of their games. Because they give up so many big plays on defense... They have like one of those [Purdue losses] a year now.

The 2018 College Football Playoff will include Alabama, Notre Dame, Clemson, and Michigan

The Final Four, if I'm projecting it out at the end of the season, would be Alabama, Notre Dame, Clemson, in some order... And then Michigan. My top four now are Alabama, Notre Dame, Clemson, LSU. But I'm projecting, obviously, that Alabama beats LSU.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Texans win the Super Bowl

No, they're not going to win the Super Bowl. Guaranteed. I'll cut off a pinky... I'll cut off half a pinky. Nope. I'm going to cut off the top of my nub... I'm going to cut off the nail up if the Texans win.

The Texans will beat the Bengals in the playoffs

The Texans definitely have a chance to beat the Bengals in the playoffs. I'll put it that way.

The Redskins will finish the season with at least 10 wins

The bottom line is the R-words [Redskins] are going to go 10-6 minimum. Maybe 11-5.

I would come out of retirement to fight Steven Seagal

If I was going to come out of retirement, if Steven Seagal would sign a contract, I'd come out... I've already thrown that gauntlet down years ago.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future and will surpass baseball

My cool throne is lacrosse... My other hot seat could have been baseball because lacrosse is coming for that America's Pastime, sport of the future. Premier Lacrosse League was announced. TV deal... This sounds like a real dud. No, this is going to be great.

Jack Coan will be the next great quarterback for Wisconsin

You have a quarterback on the University of Wisconsin roster that eventually is going to take over... His name is Jack Coan. He's a five-star... He's already there... He dominated football in Long Island... He elected to go to Wisconsin because... they brought all these other big offensive linemen in... and the coach said, look at these guys. They're your offensive line when you become 19 or 20 years old.

Cystic Fibrosis will be eradicated in 5 to 10 years

I think CF will be eradicated from this earth in about five to 10 years.

The Saints are the second best team in the NFC

[The Saints] are just five and one now and look like the second best team in the NFC behind the Rams.

The Packers will be the second best team in the NFC by the end of the season

I'll say it's going to be the Packers by the time it turns out [the second best team in the NFC].

The Detroit Lions are a sleeper team for a Wild Card spot

The sleeper team that I was talking about, pointing to for everybody in August, that nobody still is talking about, the Detroit Lions... I wouldn't be surprised if they wind up with a wild card.

The Super Bowl will be the Rams vs. the Chargers

I think, by the way, that that's going to end up being your Super Bowl is the Rams and the Chargers.

The Red Sox will win the World Series in five games

Sox in five... I just hope it's six so I can go to game six.

The Red Sox will win the World Series in seven games

I'd probably say Red Sox in seven.

Steve Wilks will be the first NFL coach fired in 2018

I think it is now official that Steve Wilks might be the first coach to be fired... Just fire him and then pretend it never happened. You could easily do it right now. We'll all forget.

The Chiefs will have a come-down-to-earth game against the Bengals

I think this is going to be the week where everything comes back down to earth. It's a little bit sloppy. They might lose, but they're probably going to be within the record.

Kevin Durant is getting one more ring and then leaving the Golden State Warriors

Kevin Durant, baby back bitch, tweeted... 'one down, 81 more, what a night.' His brother, Tony, Tony Durant, replied... 'fill in the hand up before we get out of here.' Hmm. So it looks like he's going to L.A. So he's getting another ring, and then he's getting the fuck out.

The summer of 2019 will be the greatest free agent summer ever because the internet will try to troll Kevin Durant into joining the Knicks

This is going to be the greatest free agent summer of all time, because we basically have Kevin Durant being like, can an entire internet troll him into going to the Knicks just to try to get his, like, this made-up masculinity back that we've decided he doesn't have.

The Bucks will win over 48.5 games and win the Central Division

I have the Bucks over 48 and a half. I think the Bucks are going to be very good. I think they'll win the Central. I think Giannis is going to – do you see he shoots threes now?

LeBron James and the Lakers will win 50 games this season

I have the Lakers over 47 and a half... LeBron's going to win 50 games. I just think there's no way. I think Brandon Ingram is very, very good.

The Dallas Mavericks will win over 34.5 games because they hired Haralabos Voulgaris

I've got my over at the Dallas Mavericks. I'm taking the over on 34 and a half. Dirk I think is out for a little bit... I'm going on this based solely on the fact that they hired that guy [Haralabos Voulgaris] who's a really good gambler to run their analytics department. If you can beat Vegas, then you can beat the Clippers.

The 76ers will win under 53.5 games because Joel Embiid will get injured

I have the under 76ers, 53 and a half. That's just a pure hate bias. No way they all say healthy. Embiid's probably going to get injured for 75 games.

The Wizards will go over their win total because John Wall, Bradley Beal, and Dwight Howard will have great chemistry

I'm also going to take the over on the Wizards. I think that Wall and Beal and Dwight Howard are going to have great chemistry. They're big three.

Coach K will fake a brain aneurysm or heart attack if the FBI investigation into college basketball heats up

What injury is [Coach K] going to do if he starts to feel some heat? [PFT: Brain aneurysm is next.] They're not feeling any heat this year. [PFT: Oh, my heart. I'm having a heart attack. My brain.]

The Bears are destined to sign Brock Osweiler

The Bears are destined to sign Brock Osweiler... because he is the perfect... he's more Mike Glennon than Mike Glennon is. And the fact that he's impressed you guys so many times by beating you in your face.

I am officially 'Done Chaining' the Denver Broncos

I might Dunchain the Broncos. That defense gets gashed... I feel confident dun-chaining the Broncos.

The Raiders could move on from Derek Carr next year

I think the real question is, what do they do with Derek Carr next year? Because even though he's got that big contract, they can unload him at a manageable cap hit if they decide that John Gruden needs a different quarterback... In fact, it's easier than you'd think to get out from under Carr's contract.

The Raiders will get rid of Derek Carr and replace him with old veterans

He strikes me as a guy that would absolutely get rid of this high-paid quarterback and bring in like six veterans who are all over the age of like 33.

The Seahawks are not good enough to win in the playoffs this year

I don't think they're good enough to win in the playoffs. I think if they get to the playoffs, that's a huge accomplishment. Too early to declare them back. I just think the Raiders are done.