Takes

The NFL Combine is just a giant excuse for the entire league to get drunk in Indianapolis

Well, what we realized, too, is the Combine is basically an entire fraud operation so that everyone can come to Indianapolis and get drunk. Yeah, because when you break it down, the athletes that they're scouting, they've already scouted in detail... Why are they having everyone get into underwear and run on turf in Indianapolis? Oh, it's because Indianapolis is the one city in America where every bar is connected to a hotel and has a steakhouse.

Las Vegas hotels should build CamelBak hoses into the walls next to beds for hungover guests

Everyone's been so drunk that the next morning... you realize that you are so thirsty that you could basically drink the entire ocean... so this is more of an idea for Vegas... they need to build those camelback hoses into the wall and just so they pop out right underneath your bed. So you can just wake up, open your mouth, and then you just squeeze it.

There should be a 'Paperboy' style app where food trucks throw pre-made burgers out the window to drunk people

So my drunk idea is... You guys remember that video game Paperboy?... it's a slow creeping car that just drives up and down busy like bar streets... you hit the button and you order like a burger. They just roll down the window and toss it. They have pre-made burgers, pre-made hot dogs, pre-made pizzas, and they just throw it out the window.

High-end restaurants are doing it wrong by not having pictures of the food on the menu

What would you guys say is the one thing that tells you a restaurant is classy?... It is pictures on the menu, so you know what the food looks like. So I went to a really classy dinner last Friday, and they didn't have pictures on the menu... they need to have a picture option. So it's like a Denny's or an IHOP, but you're eating at a Michelin-rated restaurant.

I clearly beat Canelo Alvarez in our first fight

You know, I was doing my job, I hit him more, and the computer showed that, and the judges showed that, so that's all I have to say.

Limiting pass interference penalties to 15 yards will cause receivers to be 'mugged' downfield

It's going to be like the purge for the Seahawks receivers more than 15 yards downfield. ... the NFL is going to create a new law that's going to have like a million unintended consequences to it.

The NFL should stop the clock after first downs under two minutes like college football

The only rule I really want to see in the NFL is I want the NFL to... adopt the clock stops after a first down under two minutes like the college... Because it makes – you can come back with 45 seconds left. It's awesome to watch.

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather to try and bond with LeBron James

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather... He's getting on LeBron's level. They're going to have a lot to talk about. They're going to sit next to each other on plane rides and just talk about Fredo.

The NFL should allow all players to smoke marijuana

I enjoy marijuana a lot... I think it's made my life exponentially better... the NFL should let all their players smoke... because there's such a high percentage... there is actual medical relief for it. I think the NFL will get over it.

The internet is a 'hustler's paradise' for content creators

It's a hustler's paradise in the content world. And it really becomes like the forefront of your mind for everything. So it's like it never stops.

The term 'amateurism' is a made-up concept used by the NCAA to exploit athletes

Every single year, we would have the NCAA meeting... they would always use this word amateurism, the word that they created, and then they'd lock it down on it. Like... Well, you can't affect your amateurism status. Like, motherfucker, you made up that word.

Lonzo Ball needs to fix his shot after losing to Bow Wow

If you lose to Lil' Bow Wow with no shoes on, you have to then go fix your shot. ... I know everyone says, oh, don't mess with Lonzo's game. [But] you have to then go fix your shot.

Curling will not become a mainstream popular sport in America

I'm not going to hate on curling. But don't fucking tell me curling is going to be big... don't start doing the Darren Revell and telling me that esports are going to take over the world and our kids are going to be playing curling soon... it's shuffleboard that we play when we're drunk at a bar.

Justin Thomas is a 'pussy' for having a heckler kicked out

Your day's done. Had him kicked out. Had him kicked out. What a fucking dick. Which just means that hecklers are inside Justin Thomas' head, even though he won... What a little pussy that guy is.

Zaza Pachulia is the biggest threat to the NBA's health because he hurts superstars

The NBA is probably the healthiest league overall when you think about growth. Zaza Pachulia is the one thing that could break it all down because he just hurts people left and right... He hurt Kevin Durant, his own player. He hurt Kawhi, the Spurs... The guy is a menace.

The NCAA basketball scandal is not ruining the sport, but changing it for the better

No, college basketball as we know it's getting changed and changed for the better... you can't have people running around on college campuses giving kids money... but not ruin but change and I think change for the better fellas.

Any college coach who knowingly commits a major violation should be banned for life

Knowingly commit a major violation, you are banned from coaching college basketball. You can go coach NAIA. You can go coach the pros. You can coach high school. But you can't coach college basketball.

Top football and basketball conferences should break away from the NCAA

I think the biggest thing that could change the NCAA as a whole is if the top 100 basketball and top 100 football conferences or teams – just completely break off from the NCAA and form their own thing. I think that's the best thing they could do because then they can play by their own rules in a sense.

Tim Tebow is currently following the Mickey Mantle career path

Tim Tebow is hurt... He stepped on a sprinkler and twisted his ankle... you know who else did that? Mickey Mantle. Hall of Famer Tim Tebow... Mickey Mantle and Tim Tebow. Pretty good company. I'll take it.

Geno Smith is claiming the earth is flat as a media hack to stay relevant

when I saw him tweeting out videos today about it, my first thought was he's launching some new brand awareness thing. And so it was a great way to get back in the national conversation. Right. Was tweeting about how the earth flies. That is a hack into the media. Just tweet something. It's too easy.

A bar should be composed of multiple mini-bars with different themes and living room seating

What I'm thinking of doing with my idea is it's a bar, but there are like 10 different... Well, it's a bar slash restaurant, but there are 10 different bars that you go up to and you sit down at those bars. So instead of waiters and waitresses walking all around... It's just mini bars everywhere... You can have couches. You can have lazy boys.

We can make millions of dollars using bait-and-switch YouTube videos

Why don't we do that? We could be making millions. We need to create the fake YouTube account and then be like, oh, my God, check out the biggest play from the Super Bowl. And then it's just us pitching Pardon My Take at draftjoshallen.com and Bitcoin to Jen... I think we could actually make a lot of money off the bait and switch on YouTube.

Kentucky fans will be fine with John Calipari if he reaches the Sweet 16 this year

Probably Sweet 16. You get to the Sweet 16, considering how bad they were most of the year, I think fans would be completely fine.

The iPhone X is a terrible phone for actual communication

I understand from people I know that are very close to me that, for instance, the iPhone, I think it's the iPhone 8 through 10, that as a telephone... They're very poor. Using this as a phone to communicate... especially like the iPhone X, it's terrible on the telephone.

MLB should allow managers to bat anyone on the roster out of order in the 9th inning

The rule is that in the bottom of the ninth, your manager is allowed to bat anyone, anyone on your roster, out of order, doesn't matter, makes the game more exciting... I actually like this rule. It's insane. The closer position would basically be obsolete, but it's a cool rule.

Ice dancing is just figure skating for betas

Ice dancing is just figure skating for betas. It's figure skating for people that weren't good enough to do the jumps.

You can't have a tie in the Olympics; make them go again

I also saw that the bobsled team from Canada and Germany tied. Both got golds. How is that possible? Again, I'm not trying to be an Olympic hater, but you can't have a tie in the Olympics. You can't. It's the Olympics. Make them do it again. Go down one more time. What the hell are they doing?

I want to take out high interest loans to invest in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin 2Gen

I don't want to overreact, but I want to take out some high interest loans just so I can invest them in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin [2Gen]. That's how confident I am in this.

If you need to buy time in a relationship, get a dog instead of a promise ring

What this guy doesn't realize is you don't have to get a promise ring. Get a dog. That's what a dog is. You get the dog, and then that buys you time.

Defense in the NBA All-Star game is not fun

they decided to play defense in the All-Star game, so that's not fun. Especially for those of us that had the over.

Tiger Woods getting a 'bad boy' warning from Trump is good for his street cred

Tiger Woods' bad boy status, when other men are saying, watch out for him, it's like Costanza putting on the Yankees jacket. It's like, you got to watch out... getting this back into circulation is good for his street cred. It's great.

Bob Huggins had a legitimate gripe regarding the free throw disparity against Kansas

with that last night, there's no question that he [Bob Huggins] had a legitimate concern because both teams are extremely aggressive... that amount of free throw difference, that was the most, that was the biggest margin of free throws Kansas has ever had in a Big 12 game. I mean, that's amazing stuff. So he had a legitimate gripe.

Virginia is susceptible to in-game lulls because they don't get to the free throw line enough

Virginia because I really like them but they've got that reputation that they don't commit a lot of fouls well they don't get fouled very much either so like they're not shooting very many free throws and on those nights when you're not making your shots you've got to have something else that you can go to.

Trae Young and Oklahoma are struggling with fatigue and spacing, not a lack of talent

I don't see him [Trae Young] playing as quick as the last week or so... I think the whole mental fatigue, physical fatigue, everybody's got that in February. Sometimes you just got to get back to playing quicker... if his team can stay committed to the spacing and they've got to start to string some stops together, I think they'll be just fine.

AJ McCarron is the perfect fit for the Arizona Cardinals

AJ McCarron has Arizona Cardinals screaming all over him. That seems like the perfect fit. Shirt off. Business tats.

LeBron James is a better all-around player than Michael Jordan, but I trust Jordan more at the end of a game

I will say LeBron is better all around, but I trust Michael at the end of the game.

I would rather win one Super Bowl and have fun than win five in a fear-based organization

I think a lot of guys just want to be happy playing football... It's like the Patriots, obviously, they won five Super Bowls. Is that necessarily guideline minds to win the Super Bowl?... I don't want to be serious. I want to be a not serious individual and get the job done.

Ex-Patriot players won't speak the truth about how much they hated playing for Belichick

What do you think they're going to say? I can hate it there. No, I won Super Bowls. We had a great time. They're not going to badmouth their coach. They're not going to say what they really want to say. Do you think that's going to happen? Hell no.

The first game of the World Cup is the only one everyone genuinely gets up for

That's the one soccer game that everybody gets up for is the first one. And then after that, the novelty kind of dies off. I would say that the championship game is a little bit more fatigue. So, like, everyone's had a month of soccer already. If they're not one of your two teams in the finals, you're like, eh, I can take it or leave it.

Colin Kaepernick's lawyers picked a fight they can't win against Roger Goodell and Papa John

My first hot seat is Colin Kaepernick's lawyers. Uh-oh. Because they picked some fights that they can't win. They're going up against Roger Goodell's two favorite people in the world, his wife and Papa John. ... They're going to ask Papa John if he gave instructions or if he was given instructions by Jerry Jones.

The dumbest argument in sports is saying 'anybody could coach that team' because they have talent

One of the Suns players took a little shot at Steve Kerr on the way out. He's like, I guess it shows that anybody can coach that team. Oh, yeah, I like that. That's the dumbest argument in all of sports. ... They did it with Spoelstra. They still do it with Phil Jackson. ... if you try to get everyone to get along... look at the Cavs this year. These guys don't get along. They don't play well together just because you have the best player.

Brad Stevens made the Isaiah Thomas 'Brinks truck' conversation possible

Brad Stevens basically has, like, he made Isaiah Thomas. I don't want to say made him who he is, but he made the conversation of a Brinks truck possible. ... Have you seen these other guys after they left Boston? I mean, that's a big case in my point.

NBA tampering rules are stupid and assume players are too dumb to understand cap space

Tampering, it is stupid that the NBA even has tampering. Everybody tampers in the league. Tampering in general assumes that NBA players are too stupid to understand cap space or that like, oh, if Magic Johnson doesn't tell you, then there's no way that Paul George would possibly know there's clearing cap room for him.

Markelle Fultz should get drunk to fix his broken shooting hitch

My advice [for Markelle Fultz] would just be get drunk and start practicing. Because some people are better at beer pong when they're drunk. Some people are better at darts when they've had a couple beers in them. Just have a couple of Yeunglings before practice and just see where that goes.

Sammy Sosa's weird behavior is a smart strategy to distract people from his steroid use

Sammy Sosa has been playing dress-up and doing weird things for a while now, which might be just him getting everyone off the whole steroids thing, which is a smart strategy. We've never thought of this as a PR 101, just start changing everything about you, and eventually everyone's like, who's that guy?

February is the trashiest month of the year

February really is just the trashiest month, because there's just nothing. There's nothing like March Madness at least you get your pep back but like February... you just kind of walk around aimlessly.

I'm worried Yu Darvish will 'nibble' too much and pitch slow games for the Cubs

The meatball fan in me was like, I'd like Jake Arrieta because he's been there and done that... [Yu Darvish] nibbles. Dude, when he gets in trouble, he nibbles. Nothing worse than watching a pitcher pitch like five innings for four hours.

I'm going to pretend it's summer for my mental health and start tanning on Tuesdays

I'm so fucking sick of winter... I've just decided I'm going to pretend that it's summertime. I'm going to get back into wearing Hawaiian shirts. I'm going to go tanning. Shorts are back... I'm going to go tanning on Tuesdays. I'm going to just be so far in denial of winter.

I won't ever return to the Cleveland Browns

I would think not [to giving Cleveland another shot]. We've been down that path. We've seen it... I just don't see what the benefit would be to go back and try and do it all over again... if anything, that bridge is probably still flaming a little bit.

The NCAA is the biggest racket in the world

I think the NCAA is the biggest racket, like, in the entire world, right? There's nothing as, like, as viewed, as watched as, like, college sports are... for me to be a nice guy and go out and sign a lot of autographs and they get turned around and sold, what did I really do wrong?