Takes

I am officially smashing the panic button on the Celtics

I'm smashing the panic button. Smash. Panic button might be broken. I hit it so hard. I really thought... [the Celtics] could beat the Cavs. Maybe if they got lucky, beat the Warriors. [But after today] there's really no hope for, like, another two years.

The Cavaliers became a much better team by getting younger and more athletic at the trade deadline

LeBron actually made his team better... He got younger, more athletic. They stopped doing the whole, like, let's just get these veterans on the league minimum to come and all my friends will come and hang out and we'll try to beat the Warriors. Not going to work. So they got younger, better.

The Boston Celtics have regressed defensively compared to their early-season dominance

I think the Celtics have actually regressed a little bit defensively. Some of that is that it was just a shock that they were clearing away the number one defensive team in the league because I didn't really expect that, especially with the overhaul of young players.

Cleveland is not in 'fourth place' for LeBron James; they have a realistic chance to keep him

If I were rating these things, people act like Cleveland is in fourth place for the LeBron pursuit this offseason, and I just don't believe that's true.

Golden State is still significantly better than any other NBA team, regardless of mid-season momentum from Houston or OKC

As good as Houston's looked against them, as good as OKC looked the other night against them, I just know that there's a version of Golden State that I still trust is better than everybody else... Let's not let 'new' get in the way of what Golden State still is. And Golden State is on year four of maybe the best team we've ever seen in the history of this league.

The 'Patriot Way' is a fear-based organization where players don't actually enjoy themselves

I just think the the Patriot Way is it's a fear-based organization. Obviously, do they win? Hell yes, they win... Do I think people enjoy... you can say I had a lot of fun playing there? No, I don't. When they go to interviews they act like fucking robots. Hey, let's stop being a dickhead. We can be cordial for a little bit.

Winning one Super Bowl while having fun is better than winning five and being miserable

I would much rather have fun and win a Super Bowl than be miserable and win five Super Bowls.

There is no quarterback controversy in Philadelphia; Carson Wentz is the starter

No, Carson's our guy. But, hey, you really never know in this business.

The Olympics starting events before the opening ceremony is total 'bullshit'

Why does curling start before everything else? They really need that much time to do curling? ... So they don't light the torch, but they play the Olympics. It's bullshit. So-called bullshit.

Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal would have won six championships if they had stayed together on the Lakers

If those two [Kobe and Shaq] could figure out a way to make it work, they could be a really good duo. They could probably win four in a row... Five, six, yeah. Unlimited. Sky's the limit with those two.

If Andrew Luck was 100% healthy, Josh McDaniels would have taken the Colts job

I'll put it this way. If Andrew Luck was 100% healthy, then [Josh] McDaniels takes this job.

Josh McDaniels only stayed in New England because Tom Brady promised to play three more years

I don't think [Josh] McDaniels walks away from Indianapolis if Tom Brady doesn't say to him, 'I'm gonna stay for three more years.' [Josh] McDaniels would be the dumbest person in the world if Belichick's like, 'Yeah, I'm done next year,' and Brady's like, 'Yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna play more than one year,' because then he would basically be [stuck].

The Cleveland Cavaliers are in serious trouble because they have the worst defense in the league

Up until this week, they had a worse defense than the Sacramento Kings and the Phoenix Suns, who are actively trying to lose games. Cleveland is actually trying to win if they were that bad. So yeah, I do think they're in trouble because they can't defend anyone. And their offense, because Isaiah Thomas can't get a shot right now... isn't quite good enough.

Russell Westbrook is the new Allen Iverson: an amazing individual player but not a team guy

I think he's going to end up being like kind of the new Iverson. Amazing individual player, great highlights, real fun, but not quite equipped for analytics... because he can't shoot threes. And so there will always be this inefficient tag to him. And he's just more of an individual than a team guy.

Bill Belichick's two best qualities are insight and foresight

There's two qualities that he by far stands apart from everyone else. And I call them insight and foresight. On insight, I mean on a daily and weekly basis, he's on top of everything all the time... and then foresight. Foresight he always seemed to be one step ahead of everybody else. He'd get rid of that guy that everyone still loved, but it was towards the end of his career, and then the next year they'd fall off the shelf.

It is acceptable for Eagles fans to eat horse poop to celebrate their first Super Bowl

I actually stand with the guy who ate the poop. Because I think that's okay. When your team wins a Super Bowl and they've never won a Super Bowl and it's like the immediate euphoria, you are allowed to lose your mind. So I do not call that trash for Philly.

The Eagles must keep Nick Foles because Carson Wentz might not be ready for the season

I think [the Eagles] should keep Nick Foles for the time being because who's to say Carson Wentz is going to be all of a sudden better in eight months? ... We've been kind of numb to the fact that ACL recoveries are still pretty intense... Carson Wentz is going to take a while.

Doug Pederson beat the Patriots by taking the huge risks that the Jaguars refused to take

Doug Pederson did what the Jaguars refused to do in the AFC Championship game. He knew that to beat the Patriots, you have to take one or two huge risks, and that's the only way you can do it. And he did it with the fourth down call where Nick Foles caught the touchdown.

Dan Snyder is using the franchise tag on Kirk Cousins just to maintain control

Dan Snyder... has decided he's going to franchise tag Kirk Cousins after trading for older Kirk Cousins [Alex Smith]... It's just Snyder wanting to have control over a situation where he has no control. Which is everything.

Tom Brady can't beat 'ugly' or 'mouth-breathing' quarterbacks like Eli Manning and Nick Foles

What the game did prove to us was our theory that Tom Brady sucks against ugly quarterbacks and mouth-breathing quarterbacks... You got two against Eli [Manning], you got one against Nick Foles. It's like an ugly duckling, beautiful swan situation where you underestimate your competition if you're that much more attractive than they are.

Pete Carroll is a fake football guy because he makes 'my wife runs the house' jokes

Pete Carroll might be a fake football guy... In his press conference that they showed of him becoming the Patriots head coach, he immediately made a my wife runs the house joke. I think that's the go-to fake football guy anecdote. Because a real football guy doesn't even talk about family.

The NFL should change the rule regarding hitting defenseless receivers below the knee

I think we need to change the rule on hitting defenseless receivers below the knee. You should be able to do it. I think you should be able to just crush them.

Kirk Cousins would be a great fit in Cleveland

I think he's a really good quarterback. I think he'd be a great fit in Cleveland. And my sales pitch to Kirk is, Kirk, if you go 6-10 in Cleveland next year, they're going to put a statue outside the stadium of your face.

Players must be honest for concussion protocols to work in the NFL

A lot of it falls on players because you can pass a lot of that stuff, you know, sometimes, but if the player is not honest with the team official or the independent guy that's on the field, that's where the problems come into play.

LeBron James considering the Warriors is a savvy leverage move

If he opens up the Warriors, it's like everyone's got to compete with that. ... So he just got instant leverage over everyone, which he already had, but now it's even more.

Tom Brady kissing his son on the mouth was way too much

Tom Brady kisses his son on the mouth. And when, like, I mean kiss on the mouth, it's like pretty, pretty, pretty kiss. ... This was too much.

Alex Smith is the most Redskins quarterback of all time

Alex Smith is the most Redskins quarterback of all time. He hasn't played a snap, but he is the perfect R-Words quarterback. He is a watercolor version of Brad Johnson. He is more John Beck than John Beck is. He is like Colt McCoy on the world's worst steroids.

Stability is much harder for a young quarterback when playing for a defensive head coach

As a quarterback, that's the big difference, I think, between playing for a defensive head coach and an offensive head coach. As a defensive head coach, as great as it can be, you're still constantly – if you do well, your coordinator's leaving. And so the stability is always in question there.

Matt Patricia has the ideal head coaching job among recent Patriots departures

Patricia's got the ideal job, I think, out of any of them. They got a franchise quarterback. So, the offense is already taken care of. You go in there, you fix the defense. Now, all of a sudden, you got a competitive game because the Bears stink.

Aaron Rodgers is a better 'tools' quarterback than Tom Brady

Technically speaking, Aaron Rodgers is a better quarterback. I agree with that. If you're talking about the tools, Aaron Rodgers' arm is off the charts and his ability to move is off the charts. That's just a fact. If you're starting a football team, your better chance is to take Rodgers and build around him because of his pure, raw physical talent.

Josh Allen's low college completion percentage was only because his receivers weren't good enough

His completion percentage was only so low in college because the receivers aren't good enough. So you get him with a better receiver that can make spectacular diving, one-handed catches of balls that shouldn't be physically possible to catch, and you see that take up to like 57%, 58%. So I think he's going to be okay.

Roger Federer is the undisputed GOAT of tennis

Roger Federer, now the GOAT. His 20th [Major].

George W. Bush is the Josh Allen of presidents

George W. Bush... America loves the guy now. He is back in a bit. He's got he's the Josh Allen of presidents. The longer he goes without playing well, the better he becomes. And the more he goes up people's big boards.

Rob Gronkowski is arguably the greatest tight end of all time

87 to me was like I had no idea how good he was. I knew he was one of the greatest of all time, but that guy is probably just as easily separating himself from the competition with tight ends throughout the history of our league as 12 is [at quarterback]. So, I mean, that dude is unreal.

Jerry Jones may have helped fund the XFL to screw over Roger Goodell

So it wouldn't shock me if Mr. Shadow Commissioner Jerry Jones maybe helped to fund the start of the NFL, gave him some of the seed money just to fuck Roger Goodell over.

Aaron Rodgers is the hardest quarterback to play against regardless of his receivers

If you got Aaron Rodgers throwing to you, I don't care what the last name on the back of the receiver's jersey is, Aaron is going to put the ball in places I can't get it. He's going to throw his out routes out of bounds. He's going to throw his fade routes at the back of my head.

I would be perfect in today's NFL because of the rule changes

Oh, I would love it. It would basically fit me perfect. I was a true cover guy... when you're playing in the NFL, hitting somebody, really crushing them is a sin. So I'm perfect in this NFL. I'm going to go out here and I'm going to intercept balls and I'm going to play football.

NFL players could successfully perform on a plant-based diet

Absolutely. I think it would really help them. I think it'll transform them back to their rookie second season, third season type feel. And, you know, we're always looking for edge. And anytime you can attain more energy, or perform at the same level as you did in the first quarter, as you do in the fourth quarter, I think guys would really benefit from it.

Kevin Love was not actually sick when he left the game against the Thunder

I don't think Kevin Love was sick. I'm going to be the one to say it... I think Kevin Love is maybe like he gets more shit than any other athlete ever. Undeserved shit.

LeBron James' Instagram post to his younger self is the most unintentionally funny thing ever

Every single time you read something [LeBron James] posts, it is like the most unintentionally funny shit that you will ever hear in your life... He invented fourth person. It's him referring to himself, but in the past.

Amazon's no-employee stores are the beginning of the robot takeover

Amazon opened its first no-employee store... I'm pretty sure this is exactly how the robot takeover starts... I think we're all fucked. So this is basically 1984. This is Big Brother. It exists, but it exists in supermarkets.

Duke is cheating to land the top recruits in college basketball

I seriously do think Duke is cheating their ass off. It's amazing to me that Coach K has kind of brainwashed the rest of the country that if this happened literally any other school, people would start screaming about how they're cheating... Duke is landing the top three guys, and they're not paying anybody? No.

Villanova is clearly the best team in the country

I think [Villanova] is clearly the best team in the country, and they have like six guys who would start on virtually any team, which is kind of incredible to think about.

A drinking straw only has one hole

I think it's one hole... Straw is the sphere... the hole starts and it just goes on forever. If you go in a tunnel, are you saying there's no hole in a tunnel? No, the entire tunnel is a hole. That's one hole.

The Patriots' mental toughness is superior to every other team in the NFL

The Patriots, the mental toughness they have is just insane. They are a mentally tougher team than every other team they play. You just know that they're not going to get phased. They're down two scores at home... and they're just nothing's going to change. They're just going to keep doing what they're doing.

Vontae Burfict is an 'on-the-field gangster' and not a real tough guy

I didn't like Vontae Burfict. I didn't like that motherfucker at all because I felt like he was one of those dudes that—I don't believe in on-the-field gangsters... sometimes when you play guys, you can tell it's like a WWE character. They're big bad. But once you get off the field, and we're in the parking lot... they're like, oh, I don't want to do that.

Ben Roethlisberger is the grittiest player in the NFL

[Ben Roethlisberger] has that kind of moxie and grit about him. And he's probably the grittiest dude I've ever played with.

Rex Ryan's downfall as a coach was being too loyal to his staff

I think he's too loyal. And I think that's his biggest downfall... all his guys and his coaching staff, he's been with those guys for years... he should have left them on the side of the road and kind of recruited better coaches to, one, deal with young talent, two, guys who are better equipped for the role.

A player will not have a long NFL career if they don't love football

If you don't love football, you won't have a long career. You just won't. I remember when I was playing, I would watch, not only myself, but I would watch other linemen around the league... there was guys that were digesting what was going on around the league... and it pays off, man.

The media is inflating the severity of Tom Brady's hand injury to give the Jaguars a reason for people to watch

If the Patriots are playing the Steelers and this hand thing happened, they wouldn't even be talking about it. But they know that the Jaguars, they need a storyline, they need a reason for people to watch, they need a reason to believe, so they're inflating the severity of his hand.