Takes

LeBron James is maybe better than Michael Jordan

And LeBron James... better than Michael Jordan, maybe. Tune into FS1, Colin Cowherd will tell you about it for the next four hours.

The Cavs-Warriors rubber match is the NBA Finals we need

It is the Cavs, Warriors, the finals everyone wants to see, the finals we need. It's the rubber match.

LeBron's 7 straight finals don't count because they were in the East

Asterix, asterix. They're all against the East. True. So let's not crown them just yet.

The 2017 Finals will be the best coached series ever because of Ty Lue and Mike Brown

I think one thing we can all agree on is between Lou and Mike Brown, this is probably going to be the best coached NBA Finals of all time.

The Nashville Predators winning the Cup will be forgotten like the Hurricanes or Ducks wins

I'm rooting for the Predators simply because when teams like the Predators win championships with like their piss yellow uniforms and weird cities for hockey, people just tend to forget that that season never happened. So it's like when the Ducks won, it's like, I mean, did they win? I don't even know. I can't remember.

Grit is an inherent trait you are born with

Grit, I mean, I feel like it's something that you just have to have in you. I wouldn't say it's something that you learn. I think you can adapt to it over time. But I think it's something that you're going to go regardless of the circumstance.

Tiger Woods' career is officially over

Tiger I listen all you tiger fanboys out there just i want you to do something for me right now sit down listen up you ready it's over. It's over.

Being a Resident Assistant in college is a terrible job

Don't be an RA. Don't fucking do it. Listen, if you need the free housing... Go work the streets, but don't be an RA. An RA is worse than a mall cop.

Dante Jones is the real coach of the Cavaliers

Tyronn Lue is obviously not really the coach of the team. He stands there in a suit. He's like a senator. The coach, Dante Jones, my former teammate. He has his three-point celebrations down so perfectly... He's the first one off the bench to high five. He's the coach.

Rooftops are overrated for drinking

I think that rooftops are actually overrated. I'm a beer garden guy. I'm a beer garden guy and I'm a river guy.

Ohio State's program lacks class compared to Michigan

My hot seat is Ohio State. I'm sorry. The Ohio State University. We went to Michigan today. We met with Jim Harbaugh. It was great... All class exuding from the campus on Ann Arbor, unlike those guys down in Columbus. I'm just saying. They could – You still can rectify it. We're going to Columbus today. I don't want to be too mean to the guys in Columbus, but I'm just saying you guys are behind right now.

Leonard Fournette’s parents are geniuses for naming both sons Leonard

If you're a parent out there, a new parent, and you're thinking about having a couple kids and you think one is going to probably be better than the other, name the shittier kid just Leonard so that all of his mistakes – Or anytime your good kid, the one that's your breadwinner, fucks up, you can just blame the shittier kid.

Toughness can be built like a callus and the human body craves contact

Think of it [toughness] like building a callus, you know, just like the human body. What a tremendous organism. I mean, it actually craves contact. I mean, it likes contact, craves it, as opposed to a car... So, yeah, much like conditioning can be improved, I mean, so can that callus of toughness and grit also be acquired or improved.

Mike Zimmer should replace his eye with a glass eye featuring the Vikings logo

At some point, wouldn't a football guy just say, take the fucking eye out, put in a glass eye, and have it be the logo of whatever team I'm coaching?

The Celtics are in year five of a rebuild and are closing in on LeBron James' tail

We're in year five of a rebuild. We have the number one draft pick. We're in the Eastern Conference Finals. We're clearly coming up on LeBron [James]'s tail. As long as we can dominate LeBron in the beginning of his career and then dominate him on the way out, I can be content with that.

If you show up somewhere with a glowing orb, people will give you money out of fear

If you show up somewhere with a glowing orb, people will give you money because they'll be afraid of you. That's how it works.

If your wife goes away on business, you should move farther away from her to make her miss you more

Here's a pro tip for all you guys out there that are married. If your wife goes away on business, move farther away from your wife. Make her want to come to you.

A truly gritty person doesn't want to explain what grit is

I think in all fairness, if you are gritty, you don't want to be the person explaining what it is. You just go out and you do your job every day. And then everyone else can decide if you're gritty or not.

Cincinnati would have won a national title in 2000 if Kenyon Martin didn't get hurt

I think anybody who doesn't [think we would have won] don't know anything about basketball. [I think about it] not more than four or five times a day.

Deflections are the most important stat when playing a press defense

Since we started pressing, it's deflections. Deflections is a sign of activity and energy. It's disruptive.

LaVar Ball should not be held accountable for facts in his takes

I'm not on board for fact checking LaVar Ball's takes on anything. As far as I'm concerned, LaVar Ball does not when he says things, he doesn't give a shit if they're true or not. He's a prey and spray kind of taker. He's just gonna shoot, shoot, shoot. LaVar Ball, he can't be held accountable for his takes.

Mitchell Trubisky looks like the Jersey Shore version of Tim Tebow

If you look at Mitchell Trubisky, he looks like the Jersey Shore version of Tim Tebow. Just put that thought in your head for a while.

I am officially off Greg Popovich because of how he treats the media

I'm off of him. I'm off of Pop. No, but it's picking up a little steam. Greg Popovich just being a dickhead to people while everyone says, wow, Pop tells it like it is. He's so funny. And then he says a long political statement without really saying anything. And everyone's like, man, Pop keeps it real.

LaVar Ball is the greatest character Vince McMahon ever created

LaVar Ball he is the greatest character that Vince McMahon ever created. It's like everything. I mean, he basically went on Colin Cowherd's show and nagged all women. He was like, I'm not selling you. You're not big ballers. And then all the women were like, wait, we want to be big ballers too. All right, fine. I'll sell you some shirts.

Employers have much more legal leeway and leverage if they don't pay their interns

If they're not getting paid, all right, and they're not employees, right? Well, you better stop [paying them] right away... you have a lot more leeway if you're not paying them. I like the scheme you've... As we say in the law, you've got a lot of leverage.

NPR's pledge drives are a form of extortion

One of the big things now is if you'll give a donation, we will stop soliciting money. It's extortion. In other words, they're on there with some kind of meaningless promotion. And their attitude is, you hate this, right? The answer is obviously yes. You want us to stop, right? Yes. Give us some money.

The San Antonio Spurs are dead

And the San Antonio Spurs are dead. Dead. D-E-D. A-D. Dead. Manslaughtered, as Greg Popovich would say.

War for the Planet of the Apes will be one of the best pictures of the year

Planet of the Apes, going to be one of my best pictures of the year.

John Wooden could not have coached in the current one-and-done era

I don't think Coach Wooden could have coached in this era because he wanted us to graduate. He wanted us to become educated and learn some moral lessons and how to deal with the people that you care about in meaningful ways.

Banning the dunk ruined the game for basketball fans

I thought [the dunk being banned] was just made to deal with me... But no, it ruined the game for the fans. So that wasn't smart.

LeVar Ball's exploitation of his son Lonzo is bothersome

I don't know what [Lonzo Ball] is all about up here because of his dad. His dad gives me the willies. Parents like that really bother me, just trying to exploit their kids like that.

Peyton Manning hosting the ESPYs will not be good

I feel like this is going to suck, but... what do I know? Unless they just have him on stage drilling those Boys and Girls Club in the face with the footballs. He should just do that for like two hours.

Derek Jeter's face is starting to look like a baseball glove

He's slowly becoming a member of the Fat Face Club in retirement. That face, it's starting to get basketball shaped a little bit... His face looks like a baseball glove now.

I am sick of the internet's obsession with everything Greg Popovich does

I'm sick of Greg Popovich... It's the fact that everything he does, everyone says is incredible. Like Greg Popovich is a dick to a reporter. Oh, that's Greg Popovich. He's so funny. He tells it like it is... I hate how everything he does gets applauded by the internet.

A Stanley Cup Final between Ottawa and Nashville will be a boring burden for hockey fans

If it is Ottawa versus Nashville. The burden on hockey Twitter to try to make us think that this is a meaningful Stanley Cup final is going to be hilarious to watch... It's going to be the Greg Popovich-ing of the NHL. It's like, actually, these are two awesome hockey teams, and you guys should be paying attention to it.

Stephen A. Smith claiming James Harden was drugged is a transparent attempt to brag about his contacts

After the James Harden game six incident, [Stephen A. Smith] went on the air and he said that he had five Hall of Famers text him saying they thought James Harden was drugged... No one cares about that. It's five Hall of Famers text Stephen A. Smith. That's big stuff.

The Spurs always successfully find the right veterans to fit their system

Actually, [the Spurs] are a team that just it's like a revolving door of talent. They always bring in the right pieces and the right guys to fit the system. And no matter how old or you might think they are, they might be getting guys that are on the tail end of their careers are still able to do and play at a high level.

Kevin Durant joining the Warriors didn't change the mindset because they were already the team to beat

When [Durant] went there, I think it surprised everybody... but it's the same mindset. You already knew Golden State was the team to beat, and now they're still the team to beat with Kevin Durant. So the mindset didn't change. It was how are we going to beat them.

The Capitals will never win anything with Alex Ovechkin

The Capitals continually disappoint you. You know that they're never going to do anything with Ovechkin.

D.C. is a loser town

Say what you want about Dan Snyder. They always compare the D.C. teams because D.C. is a loser town. I agree with that 100%. You can't really make an argument against that.

I am not confident about the Celtics playing the Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference Finals

I'm not really going to act like I'm super confident about playing the Cavs.

Professional athletes who are 'disability check fat' like Bartolo Colon are the best

Jim Brockmire's favorite is Bartolo Colon. Because you have to love any professional athlete that is very nearly disability check fat.

Roger Goodell punishing Josh Gordon by not letting him play for the Browns is actually doing him a favor

Telling a player that your punishment is that you don't have to play for the Cleveland Browns is probably a little bit misguided. So, like, hey, good for Josh. He doesn't have to be a Brown.

MJ is the greatest of all time

As much as I obviously don't want to get in the debate because I obviously everyone knows where I stand. MJ, greatest of all time.

If you get injured outside of your sport, you should have to play that other sport until you get a sports-related injury

I've always said that if you get injured in a manner outside of the sport that you play, you should be forced to continue playing the sport until you develop a sports-related injury. So this guy, [Tyson Barrie], he got hurt wrestling... keep skating out there until it devolves into a massive hockey injury.

The NBA Eastern Conference is boring and predictable because of LeBron James

I haven't watched a single Eastern Conference game in full because it's so boring and it's so predictable and it's just going to be LeBron James ducking his head, driving to the hole... getting fouled, making the layup half the time, and the other time crying because he didn't get fouled.

The San Antonio Spurs are a tougher matchup for the Warriors than the Houston Rockets

I can't not put my money on the Spurs. They're just like that team that always finds a way to get wins. Not saying they're going to win, but to get a win for sure, I think I'd have to go Spurs.

The Cavaliers only won the 2016 NBA Finals because of Draymond Green's suspension and Andrew Bogut's injury

I really don't think Cleveland wins if Draymond doesn't get suspended and Bogut doesn't get hurt. So sometimes you've got to have, like, a little luck in the playoffs. Not to say that Cleveland didn't deserve to win. I think they did... But, I mean, it's just – you can't really decide, like, who's going to win the finals until you actually get to that point.

The Washington Wizards are a tougher matchup for the Cavaliers than the Boston Celtics

If you were on the Cavs, which team would you less like to face... I'd say probably Wizards. John Wall is so tough in transition. Isaiah is great, but John Wall is just so tough in transition.

The viral photo of a man humping a shark was just 'guys being guys'

It was either him or me situation. For Jim McElwain or his doppelganger on that boat. It's like I either had to fuck that shark. Or the shark was going to die, so it died, so I fucked it... [it's] guys being guys.