Takes

Coach K has avoided the FBI investigation because his name is too difficult for agents to spell in reports

Coach K has somehow avoided all sorts of investigations and indictments because his last name is so difficult to spell if you're an FBI agent... you have to type out Krzyzewski probably 400 times... I'm saying no thank you, I'm going to investigate Bill Self.

Kawhi Leonard's defiance toward the Spurs is because he tried marijuana once

This kind of reminds me of... signs to tell that maybe your teen is trying marijuana. They develop a new group of friends. They stop listening to your instructions. They become defiant... I think maybe Kawhi Leonard tried marijuana. And it's been all downhill from there. I think he inhaled marijuana at least once, and now he's becoming an issue.

Cody Bellinger is definitely on steroids

Cody Bellinger, Los Angeles Dodgers phenom. He just hit his 21st home run of the season... I think if he stays on this pace, he's going to hit like 58 home runs or something, huh? ... That's kind of what Cody's doing with steroids. Because you're not allowed to use them at all. They test you all the time.

Adam Schefter didn't go to Mexico because he's afraid of getting kidnapped because he fits perfectly in a trunk

Maybe because his body is so short and it fits so perfectly in a trunk, he doesn't want to go there and get kidnapped.

Magic Johnson is healthier than LeBron James because he conquered AIDS

I would make the case Magic Johnson might be a little bit more healthy [than LeBron]. Like the guys, he's conquered AIDS. 25 years. But I guess they didn't factor AIDS into this equation. But still.

Arian Foster's groin injury is a result of kneeling for the national anthem

Couldn't help but notice that Arian Foster kneeled for the national anthem... and he injured his groin severely today. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Just saying. It's kind of interesting. Little God. I mean, God is American.

Tom Brady's absence from practice is linked to a heist or Roger Goodell's death threats

Tom Brady cut his thumb and missed the second preseason game... he then missed practice on Sunday and Monday... Roger Goodell just said that he received some death threats over the weekend. Hmm. Did Tom Brady take part in a heist? Something happened.

Ken Griffey Jr. likely used performance enhancers given his weight gain

1989 was his debut. He weighed 195 pounds. Late 90s, he was listed at 205. 2004, I dug it up. He was listed at 215. And then when he retired, he was listed at 230. So over the course of 20 years... he gained 35 pounds. Hmm. Just saying.

Pokemon Go is a CIA government conspiracy to track data and map building interiors

Seriously, though, Pokemon Go is a government conspiracy, and I don't know why anyone... my last one was basically Pokemon Go has somewhere sitting with the CIA and they're saying, huh, how do we get inside people's buildings?... Let's just throw a squirtle right by someone's refrigerator. Picture.

It is suspicious that LeBron James still hasn't signed his contract with the Cavaliers

NBA Free Agency... LeBron James still hasn't signed with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Hmm. Just saying. Hmm. I'm not saying, but. Hmm. Has everybody else signed? Yeah. So... he has not.