Takes

Putting beans in chili is 'woke'

I think I agree with him that beans and chili are woke... it is like Texas chili is just meat... This is like nerfing chili. It's not letting dudes fart. Dudes can't even fart anymore because we're taking the beans out of chili.

Lactose intolerance is a fake condition that everyone actually has

Lactose intolerant... that's fake. It's as fake as fake gets. No, it's fake. Everyone's lactose intolerant. If I eat too much ice cream, my tummy hurts. Am I lactose intolerant? A little bit probably. So everyone is.

Signing Blake Bortles will change the entire culture of the Seahawks

Following Russell Wilson's injury, the Seahawks are working out the boat. Blake Bortles. Yes, yes, Blake. Oh, my God. I love it... You bring him in to change the whole culture. You bring him in with a contract already signed.

I can turn Ben Mintz into a 'lab rat turned muscle hamster' by controlling his diet and supplements

I now have the perfect opportunity [to] control all the variables and turn Ben Mintz into a lab rat turned muscle hamster... Basically I control all the variables. Like literally he's not going to be able to eat a meal without me. I'm going to pump this guy full of creatine, get him squatting heavy and see what happens.

I could defeat a bald eagle in a fight by grabbing it and slamming it on the ground.

The move would be to jump up in the air and to grab it like you're mossing nature. And you just grab it and then you slam it on the ground. Smother it... while it's trying to do that, just boom, stamp him on his head.

I would defeat a King Cobra in a fight by letting it bite me and then strangling it.

I would simply let it bite me. And then after it was latched on, then you just strangle it. And hope it doesn't kill you... if you kill the cobra first, but you die after, you still win.

I would have a 50-50 shot in a fight against a full-grown elephant if I could trick it or make it dizzy.

I'm going to say elephant 50-50 shot... elephants are another case of an animal being so smart that you can trick it. So you could probably get an elephant really dizzy just by running in circles around it.

I would rock Jake Paul's shit because I have fewer commitments than anyone else

I legitimately have the least amount of commitments out of the whole company at this moment... I also like to work out and have endured a good amount of head trauma, which make me suitable for boxing... I would make him think I was easily beatable, but I would rock his shit.

The 'Soup Tube' business idea is an absolute wave of the future

I would pay, I'd probably have like five or six different soup tubes installed in my kitchen right now... Out of the Monday readings we've done, Dave & Buster's guys is number one... Soup Tubes is number two... I would unironically purchase this.

The world should move toward 'human tubes' for transportation so we never have to drive or leave our houses.

I'm ready to go as far as to say that we should tube everything. Like, we should have human tubes instead of cars. I never want to leave my house. No, just like imagine if you wanted to come to work and you just got sucked up in your human tube and spat out here.

The Mets should either fully commit to using the word 'fuck' in their branding or not use it at all; 'LFGM' is a half-measure

You got to either own it or not. Don't give me the 'F' go all the way just to emphasize anything. If you're going to say it, say it. Either fucking say it or don't... If you know the f-word is so vulgar and inappropriate that it must hide behind its initial, why use it?

Short guys wearing high heels is an alpha move compared to wearing lifts

If you wore lifts in your in your shoes. That's a clown move if you were heels, that's a I'm so confident in myself. I don't give a fuck. It's an alpha move, right? I will dress up as a woman Checkmate and be six feet tall Checkmate.

Admitting you have had sex thousands of times without a pregnancy while relying on 'pulling out' means you have 'beta sperm'

Actually, admitting that you've never gotten [a girl] pregnant when your main point is just pulling out... That tells me you've got beta sperm, bro. You got a little tiny like dead fish in there.

Men evolved to nut fast to avoid being killed by woolly mammoths

From a Darwinian perspective, it's actually an advantage. Guys evolved to nut fast. Right. So we can spread our seed and be more efficient so that we don't get killed when we're like having a romantic tryst by a wandering woolly mammoth or T-Rex.

A documentary of Lenny Dykstra looking for God would be the most watched thing ever

This is the greatest story of all time. Lenny Dykstra's pursuit to find God. How is this not a Netflix documentary? This would be the most watched thing of all time. Lenny Dykstra just walking around the world looking for God.

The writer of the 'I Miss Northwestern Losing' article is dangerous to society

Pat Fitzgerald actually is an awesome coach. We have friends on that team... But their alumni, when they're writing shit like this, you're dangerous to society. If you are struggling this much with watching sports, they're not for you.

Nick Saban is an underachiever because he only wins a title every other year

Nick Saban's an underachiever... with this in mind, five national titles really does not seem like enough in an 11-year period. If Saban were as good at being a head coach as he is at recruiting, Alabama would have won the national title on a yearly basis. But he isn't.

Vince Scully's 'retirement' is the coward's way out for an announcer.

I'm glad that Vin Scully's done. I'm just sick of hearing about the farewell tour. It's like, dude, you're just an announcer. I want my announcers like Harry Caray and Jack Buck, they need to stick around to the bitter end. Get a little senile. Vince Scully, you took the coward's way out. What real announcer retires?