Comedian Andrew Schulz, Paddy The Baddy & Meatball Molly Rule + Mt Rushmore of Worst Gifts

Historic NFL franchises should not use alternate helmets because they look 'candy ass'

The bears unveiled their new helmets. It's now cool for every team. ... that doesn't mean every team needs to do a alternate helmet and the bears kind of were the first team to show up and be like, oh yeah, not every team needs to do this. ... historic franchises should just keep with their regular helmets because there's no reason we're... we're not the Jaguars. ... It's Mickey mouse. It's it's it's candy ass.

There should be extra enthusiasm for Aaron Judge hitting 62 home runs because it is the post-steroid era

Aaron judge has been mashing race to 62. I want everyone to get involved in that because it does look, I'm a, I'm a pro steroids guy. So I, I definitely think Barry Bond's the best player of all time. And I also think his records stand, but there should be like an extra enthusiasm. If someone can hit 62, just knowing that we're not in the steroid era anymore.

Beachfront spray kiosks for sunscreen would be a 'godsend' invention

I have a beach idea. ... it's a spray tan booth, but it's got sunscreen, spray sunscreen in it. So you just walk through it, they set up like a kiosk and you walk through it on your way out to the beach. You pay like 10 bucks and then you turn around like your Tony Hawk, your entire body gets coated in sunscreen. I feel like for kids, especially if you got kids, this is like a godsend of an invention.

Stephen A. Smith taking a month off for a shoulder injury in August is a 'soft move'

Stephen A. Smith is, but I do think, I do think he's talking about anything because he's taking the entire fucking month of August off with his shoulder injury, because he's not man enough to go on the air in August and talk about sports. This is, this is actually what really separates the good take Smiths from the bad ones. ... this is a soft move by Steven A. Smith.

I only care about comedy and hate acting, even though I keep getting offered roles

I only care about comedy. Right? You gotta force me to act. Right. I don't, I'm saying this right now. And every time I say it, I get offered another gig. I don't like acting right. I'm bad at it.

Malcolm Gladwell is a guy who is just smart enough for dumb people to think he's a genius

Malcolm Gladwell is the, is the perfect case of a guy who's just smart enough that dumb people like ourselves think he's a genius. And then real smart people are like, no, no, no, no, this guy's full of shit.

Any rich person who doesn't buy a sports team is untrustworthy

Any guy who or any person, because I'm a feminist, any woman guy who has that much money and doesn't buy a sports team, can't be trusted... Piece of shit. Because it's like, what is the point of having that much money and not owning a sports franchise? Like that's, that's the end goal of society. ... The end goal is like buy an NFL team. That's what rich people do.

Jeffrey Epstein was definitely a CIA asset running a honey pot operation

I'm fully, I have Alex Jones myself on, on the whole Epstein situation because I know if you, if you connect all the dots, the dude was working for the CIA. ... He cultivated all these different networks of people... befriending the most powerful people in the world got them in a honey pot operation... And he was working for the CIA as well on their payroll.

James Dolan's 'Moneyball' approach to overpaying for good-but-not-great players is relatable

I kinda actually like, now that I'm saying it, I kind of like James Dolan's process strategy. ... as a gambling brain, I think the same thing where it's like, maybe this is maybe it's just like, everyone just plays their best for an entire season. ... let's sign people and just hope for the absolute best case scenario all the time. ... That is a gambling brain of like, yeah. Yeah. This is the one that's gonna work.

A pet is the absolute worst gift to receive

Any animal that you have to take care of? It's like, not a, it's not something that let's say you don't like the gift you can, you know, pretend to like it. And then kind of just forget about it. If you get an animal, like you have to take care of that animal.

A gym membership is a terrible gift because it implies the recipient is fat

Number one, a gym membership, because the double double, like whammy of basically saying that you're fat and you need to get in shape. And then like the gift is you just have to go punish yourself at the gym, a gym membership fucking sucks to give someone.

The Statue of Liberty was a bad gift from the French because of high maintenance and war obligations

The statue of Liberty was low key, a pretty shitty thing for the French to do to us. They just made this giant sculpture outta bronze. And it's like, here, you have to clean this every day or else it's gonna turn green and it's a big fucking woman and you ha it's so big that you have to find an island to put it on and oh yeah. It's also gonna make, you have to fight on our side in every war that happens from now until the end of eternity.