If the Dallas Cowboys win the Super Bowl, I will get a cat

I am here right now on Friday the 13th, ready to declare that if the Dallas Cowboys win the Super Bowl, I will get a cat.

The Bills will blow out the Dolphins because Miami cannot score more than 13 points with Skylar Thompson

I would take the Bills even if they were like minus 17 at this point. Skylar Thompson is playing... I don't know how they score more than, let's say 13 points. It's gonna be an ass kicking. It's gonna be a whomping. The Dolphins with Tua scored 25 and a half points a game; without, they've scored 16.3. The Bills get to 30, we cover the spread.

The NFL is rigged against the Cincinnati Bengals

If you wanna point fingers at the NFL being rigged against Cincinnati, this is probably their most legitimate complaint... they were kind of forced to play their starters last week to a certain extent so that they could guarantee themselves a home playoff game. The fact that they played their starters, they got some of them hurt last week, that's kind of fucked up.

The goal allowed by the US goalie was the most embarrassing possible

What about the goalie? Yeah, I mean he... that was the most embarrassing goal that I've ever seen. Possible.

The USMNT is the 'James Franklin Penn State' of soccer

People were making very mean jokes online that we were James Franklin, Penn State. And it is actually perfectly appropriate because if you look at who we played, we beat the teams we're supposed to beat... and then we absolutely got ass fucked by the team that was better than us in Belgium. We are not who we thought we were.

We just suck at soccer as a country and that's okay

My take is we suck at soccer and that's okay. Like, I don't care that we suck at soccer anymore. I'm going to root for the US team. I'm gonna get excited when we're in a World Cup. I'm gonna get hyped up and it's gonna be fun to watch. And then I'm gonna be reminded that we suck at soccer and that it's just gonna be like, okay, yeah, that's okay.