Texas can never lose to Maryland in football

[Texas], you can't lose to Maryland in football. No, you can't do it. You can't.

College football teams should never actually schedule Alabama; just have your fan base chant 'we want Bama' but don't play them

Don't schedule Alabama. Just have your fan base chant, we want Bama, but don't actually play Bama... Beating the best is way overrated. As a Wisconsin fan, it's way more fun to just beat Purdue and Iowa every year and then lose to Ohio State in the Big Ten championship... [sneaking] in the back door and then have everybody say, hey, you are the best... It's actually pretty fucking awesome.

Florida's passing game has been so bad that Tim Tebow is their best passer of the last decade

The best passing quarterback that Florida has had in the last 10 years is Tim Tebow.

Getting excited for the NFL schedule release is for pussies

I can't get it up for the schedule release because it's—if you explained what the schedule release was to Vince Lombardi, he'd call you a pussy and spit in your face.

The NFL should release one game schedule per day for the entire off-season

The NFL, they should do, they should draw it out even longer. It should be one game that Roger Goodell releases per day for the entire off-season. And then at the end of it, he's like, okay, let's play some ball.

The Preakness Stakes should move its date to three weeks before the Kentucky Derby

Why doesn't the Preakness just say, screw it to the Kentucky Derby and schedule their main race for like three weeks before the Kentucky Derby? You wanna play hardball? Yeah, you could play hardball. I feel like if you, if your horse wins the Preakness, if it was scheduled for before the Derby, you're not skipping the derby. No, you gotta run in the derby.