The Capitals will never win anything with Alex Ovechkin

The Capitals continually disappoint you. You know that they're never going to do anything with Ovechkin.

The Washington Capitals will be 2018 Stanley Cup champions

I might just go tonight and get a Washington Capitals 2018 Stanley Cup champions tattoo.

I am not confident about the Celtics playing the Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference Finals

I'm not really going to act like I'm super confident about playing the Cavs.

Garrett Bolles should catch a pass before he retires

I want to be able to bet on Garrett Bolles to have one reception in every game. Because I feel like Sean Payton is going to try to get him that touch. He definitely will because he doesn't want him to retire as the guy who never touched the ball.

The Eagles' offense might be better without A.J. Brown

I actually think that the offense might be better without A.J. Brown.

The Chargers should eliminate their kicking game and go for it every time

The Chargers should just not have a punter. They should not have a kicker. They shouldn't even have like a long snapper on the team. Use those positions on somebody else and you're just—burn the boats. You're just going for it all the time. Fuck it. Who cares? Right? Season's over. Might as well try to score some points.