Takes

Kyler Murray is an absolute bust

Kyler Murray looks pretty bad. [...] We're ready to declare after this first half maybe Kyler Murray's a bust. [...] Kyler Murray is an absolute bust.

The Jets will win the Super Bowl this year

Jets are going to win the Super Bowl. Jets look great. Guys, all my hot takes, all my Jets have an awesome color scheme this year.

Wearing green jerseys makes a team half a second faster in the 40-yard dash

Any time a team plays with that color green, it takes half a second off their 40 time. That's just a fact. I didn't make that up.

Acquiring a cat is the first step toward retirement for an NFL player

I will say that acquiring a cat is the first step towards retirement. Yeah, you don't get a cat unless you're thinking about retiring. Second cat is he's retired. Absolutely.

Green Bay should move the Packers franchise if they need gimmicks to get fans loud

It's a sad, sad day when the Packers need to find gimmicks to be louder. [...] If you have to ask the Green Bay fans to be louder, maybe just move the whole franchise.

Dak Prescott is not worth $40 million per year

I don't think he's worth 40 million dollars. And I think that you probably have to sit down, Dak, and be like, dude, I know that you want this much money, but would you rather this much money or maybe win a Super Bowl with the Dallas Cowboys?

The Cowboys should pay Dak Prescott $75 million per year

As not a Dallas Cowboys fan, I hope they pay Dak as much money as possible. 70. 75. Okay. Fuck it. Deal. Full send.

NFL teams should be allowed to give one rookie a monk haircut as team building

I think that you should be allowed to give one rookie a monk. Yes, yes, I agree. That's not hazing, that's team building. That's funny. Big difference. If it's funny, it's not hazing.

I don't think you can put an age on leadership

I don't think you can put any type of age on leadership. I saw Sean [McVay] firsthand and I thought he did as good a job as anybody I've been around in terms of getting the respect and the command from the team.

The Packers will have zero tolerance for fighting in training camp

No tolerance there... zero tolerance at all. You fight you're out. Just for the day. And don't get me wrong, skirmishes are going to happen. You don't want to see haymakers being thrown, especially when it's your own teammate.

The Packers will utilize the fullback position as a weapon this year

Danny [Vitale]'s been awesome. We want to be able to run everything out of 21 personnel. And a lot of teams don't see that anymore. So it is a little bit of an advantage, especially if you get a guy that can catch the ball out of the backfield.

Pass interference review rules might actually favor the defense

Honestly, I think it could be an advantage from a defensive perspective, considering that all scoring plays are under automatic review. And you see a lot of rub or pick plays down in that red area. So it could actually help the defense.

Andrew Luck's injury might be way worse than reported

Andrew Luck has a weird random injury that might keep him out for a lot longer than everyone expects. Calf strain has turned into a high ankle issue... That's like being like, oh yeah, my sniffles turned into the flu.

I think Antonio Brown has had an actual mental break

I actually think Antonio Brown is – I think there's something wrong with him. I think that he's, like, going crazy. He's had, like – an actual mental break that doesn't mean that like we can't joke around about the whole helmet saga because that is fucking hilarious but I actually think that there's something wrong with the guy.

The Raiders lost their mystique by refusing to let Antonio Brown wear his old helmet and just paying the fine

In a backwards way, all Raiders mystique has been lost because... if the Raiders were to just give Antonio Brown his old helmet and just pretend that it's not happening, they would possibly get an infraction, a penalty, a fine, whatever it may be. But they won't do that. And guess what? Man card Raiders, the old Raiders, they would just let him wear like a fucked up helmet and be like, guess what? We just want our guy out.

The Derek Carr media hype machine is funny because we know he isn't a superstar

The Derek Carr media hype machine that's trying to get behind a guy who we really know who he is, and that's not a terrible quarterback, but he's not a superstar quarterback, is very, very funny to me. Because they're basically trying to wheel themselves into Derek Carr as our starter.

I will get an NFL 100 logo tattoo if the Browns and Lions meet in the Super Bowl

If it's Browns-Lions in the Super Bowl, I'll get the tattoo for sure. Yes.

I will get an NFL 100 logo tattoo if Blake Bortles wins Super Bowl MVP

If Blake Bortles wins Super Bowl MVP, I will also do that [get the tattoo].

Combining Paxton Lynch and Geno Smith would only equal a quarter of Russell Wilson's talent

If you combined Paxton Lynch and Geno Smith's powers, they would be like one quarter of Russell Wilson.

Daniel Jones is currently the best quarterback in the NFL

Daniel Jones is the best quarterback in the NFL right now.

David Montgomery is the greatest running back in history

David Montgomery is the greatest running back I've ever seen in my life.

The Monday Night Football outro is one of the worst sounds in sports

Thank you for watching this presentation of the National Football League on a Monday night. That sucks... you just came off a whole Sunday of football, and then that hits, and you're like, well, no more football for another fucking three days.

The Cleveland Browns are 'America's Team' for the 2019 season

The Cleveland Browns are America's team this year, as first coined by me... I stole that take from Hawkins... but the Cleveland Browns are America's team this year.

The 2019 Browns are guaranteed to win 11 games and the Super Bowl

So I'm thinking 11. Are we guaranteeing 11? ... Okay, so that's a guarantee... Double down, guaranteed. 11 wins. ... What if you guys just say fuck it and win the Super Bowl this year? ... Full send. Guaranteed full send.

The Buffalo Bills will win the AFC East and finish 11-5 in 2019

Prediction on the Bills season? Easily 11-5. Oh, he's going to win the AFC East this year? We'll be right there.

Derek Carr is extremely awkward on Hard Knocks

Hard Knocks is back. Derek Carr is awkward as fuck... It's very clear that the message the Raiders are trying to send is Derek Carr is our quarterback, and we're going to give him a lot of air time, and we're going to show how tough he is, including bullying his two young kids to fight in the living room while they're playing basketball. That felt scripted.

Jon Gruden will prevent anything interesting from being shown on Hard Knocks

It's very obvious that Jon Gruden is not going to let them show anything that's remotely interesting. We just have to hope for next week with Sean McVay trying to out-Gruden Jon Gruden.

Antonio Brown used his kids on Hard Knocks to rehabilitate his public image

Antonio Brown, I forgot about this part. Starting the entire Hard Knocks episode, basically trying to erase the fact that he went crazy for three months and every teammate of his in Pittsburgh hated him by showing us how cute his kids are. They're very cute. And you know what? It worked. It absolutely worked.

The NFL 100 logo is terrible and looks like it belongs to an expansion league

My hot seat is the NFL 100 logo. I'm already sick of it... It's not that cool of a logo to begin with, but they've put it everywhere so far this year... It looks a little bit like an Expansion League football logo... like the AAF logo if it was designed by somebody with a head wound.

Michael Crabtree didn't sign with the Cardinals because he feared Aqib Talib

My cool throne is Michael Crabtree. So Michael Crabtree decided not to sign with the Arizona Cardinals yesterday... It would have been a terrible move for him because he would have had to play against Aqib Talib twice. Oh, he didn't want that chain snatched. Yeah, the Dunn chain was about to hang over his neck, and Aqib Talib was about to swipe it off.

The Ticonderoga Number 2 is the standard for coaching pencils

We're definitely a Ticonderoga number two. That's our standard right now. Never deviate from that... It's really just a good writing utensil.

Tom Brady selling his home is 'Trouble in Paradise' for the Patriots

Tom Brady. He is putting his house up for sale, which is always sign number one that he might be the new coach of Alabama... Anytime any celebrity gets involved in selling their house, you have to connect that dot just a little bit. It's kind of weird.

Tony Gonzalez had the worst possible timing for a tight end because Rob Gronkowski came right after him

Tony Gonzalez... He has the ultimate unfortunate timing for a tight end because he was the greatest tight end of all time. And then [Gronk] came along and the tight end position is completely changed where tight ends are basically wide receivers now... doesn't it feel like if we, you know, in 2011, it was a no-brainer Tony Gonzalez's best tight end of all time to have someone come in right at the tail end of his career and be better than him? That's got to suck.

I would rather have a Super Bowl ring than be in the Hall of Fame

Watching the Hall of Fame induction made me, for a brief moment, think that Chris Carter, when he said he'd rather be in the Hall of Fame than have a Super Bowl ring, might have been on to something, and then as soon as the season starts, I'm like, nah, Super Bowl.

Peyton Manning had visible muscle atrophy in his arm during our 2012 Duke workout

The only real thing I did was... we were just talking about some of the atrophy he had. Like his right arm was not as big as his left, some of the musculature areas... I haven't had a minute of medical training in my life so I was just [asking] what's the explanation and the nerves and how they were regenerating.

Antonio Brown's foot injury is likely serious because the reports say it isn't

Every report about Antonio Brown's feet says, couches it with, they don't think it's going to be serious. That means it's probably going to be serious.

Noah Fant is a bust

Noah Fant, no offense. Looks like bust. I'm putting the bust tag right now on Noah Fant. Bad attitude. I told you about bad attitude. More like no effect on this game. Got him. Trash. Bust. Burn. Put it on the board.

LeSean McCoy's release from the Buffalo Bills is imminent

I've been hearing many rumblings from Leroy that LeSean McCoy's release is imminent. Just saying could be done within the next two weeks. Big time news.

The day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday

Day after the Super Bowl, national holiday. Done.

The Cowboys don't need a rushing champion like Ezekiel Elliott to win a Super Bowl

Jerry Jones said, you don't have to have a rushing champion to win a Super Bowl. Everyone on the internet dunked on Jerry Jones... but I'm here to defend Jerry Jones. He's right. You do not need a rushing champion to win a Super Bowl in today's NFL.

The Cowboys should not pay Ezekiel Elliott an insane amount of money

I think they should hold firm because as it stands right now, Ezekiel Elliott has one year left on his deal... If you basically pay him so much money that other parts of your team can't be paid and the line can't be paid both defensive and offensive, then you're just hurting yourself in the future.

Jerry Jones will sign Ezekiel Elliott once he gets drunk enough in early August

I think Jerry Jones, no, I think he does have a plan. It's just get drunk before noon every day, and then at that point, everyone's got a plan until your liver gets punched in the face, and he will just change his mind. At some point during early August, Jerry Jones will get drunk enough that he'll say, fuck it, let's just sign him.

Having Ryan Fitzpatrick as your quarterback is a bad strategy if you are trying to tank

If you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback... Ryan Fitzpatrick is always good for a few wins out of nowhere. So if you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback. But Brian Flores is going for it.

I would pay Ezekiel Elliott before Dak Prescott and Amari Cooper

I get it with Ezekiel Elliott. This is the take I'm willing to squat on. I would pay Ezekiel Elliott first. I would pay him before Dak. I'd pay him before Amari.

Jake Butt will suffer another torn ACL in the next 36 to 48 hours

We're about to, I'd say, like in the next 36 to 48 hours for Jake Butt, [torn] ACL. I hope not... the NFL is a much better place when there is a guy named Butt on the back of his jersey running around making plays.

Matthew Stafford is an elite sucky quarterback who cannot win a Super Bowl

There's the really good sucky quarterback. [Matthew] Stafford is a perfect... he is an elite sucky quarterback. But you're like, if you had to ask yourself, could Matt Stafford win a Super Bowl? Answers probably no. He's right on the edge of suck. That's why he's an elite sucky quarterback. Because it's like, if you put him in the right spot, everything could go perfectly.

Matthew Stafford is a Hall of Famer

Matt Stafford, by the way, still a Hall of Famer.

The Browns are definitely winning the Super Bowl this year

Well, the good news is the Browns are going to win the Super Bowl this year. 100%. Hammer the Browns this year.

Roger Goodell should suspend Tom Brady for cliff diving with his daughter

It would be the ultimate troll move by Roger Goodell to suspend Tom Brady for one game after Tyreek Hill gets zero and just be like, hey, there's videotape... wouldn't be right, but it would be fucking funny.

Kirk Cousins is the most average quarterback of all time

Kirk Cousins, probably the most average quarterback that these two eyes have ever seen. He will beat every team that is less than 8-8, and he will lose to every team that is better than 8-8... you never expect him to do anything great, and guess what? He never does.