Takes

Chip Kelly's current strategy is to suck for three years before getting fired with a massive payout

Chip Kelly, he's in phase one. He does the football producers everywhere he goes. Phase one is tank. Phase two is draft good players. Phase three is trade those good players away and then suck again. And then you get fired after three years and then you have a lot of money.

The Browns will cover the spread against the Patriots in Week 5

So I did not take the Cardinals. So you're a Larry Fitzgerald this week? I am a big-time Larry Fitzgerald. I'm swimming with the Fitzgerald. But you didn't take the Cardinals. I didn't take the Cardinals. So instead of that, I'm going to take the Browns against the Patriots. I'm going to have them covering.

The Patriots covering against the Browns is the easiest bet of all time

Patriots. Yeah, we know you're going to take the Patriots. It's not even bias aside. All bias aside, you can take my bias, put it to the side of me. The Patriots is still the easiest bet of all time.

The Redskins are trash

I got the Vikings. I have the Ravens. I think the Redskins are trash. Trash. Our words.

The Bears will cover +4.5 against the Colts because Indianapolis is jet-lagged after playing in London

I have the Bears. Plus four and a half... the Colts is not a bad choice... They're jet lagged. Yeah. Exactly. First team ever to go to London and not elect to have a bye week after.

The NFL is done and finished due to tanking ratings

I think the NFL might be done. So their ratings are just tanking... why am I even tuning in if I'm not seeing a person dressed up like a superhero?

The NFL should bring back O.J. Simpson to fix their ratings

Just let O.J. Simpson back in the league. If you let O.J. play at running back for one game and just get destroyed... In the past year, what have we learned? We don't give a shit as Americans what it is. If it's about O.J. Simpson and it's on TV, we will watch it. So bring O.J. back. Yes, let him run. Bring the juice back.

Odell Beckham Jr. is basically European

Odell Beckham, maybe you should put Pacifier in your mouth. You're basically European, dude. Hey, I know you like to not use one of your hands. Use none of them and go play soccer. You like to dance around and flop. You like the weird hair.

There was a second ball in the pile during the Browns-Redskins Duke Johnson fumble play

I would also like to say that I'm a truther. I think that there were two balls on the play. I think that there was a second ball that was in the pile that we don't see, and then Duke Johnson had the other one.

Jeff Fisher has at least two games of security before returning to the hot seat

Cool throne, Jeff Fisher. He's got at least two games before he's back on the hot seat.

Mike McCoy needs to be fired by the Chargers

Hot seat, Mike McCoy. Someone needs to fire Mike McCoy. It's incredible. He's 23-29. He's on his fourth year. They were up 34-21 with six minutes left against the Saints. Week one they were up 27-10 with 11 minutes left. Someone put Mike McCoy out of his misery.

Bill Belichick is on the cool throne because the Patriots losing shows they actually need him to coach

Bill Belichick is now cool throne because they lost the game with Brisket [Jacoby Brissett], so they actually do need a coach. So it's not just the machine that can go on autopilot.

The NFL will likely face a strike or lockout during the next CBA negotiations

I think there's a good chance, because I think the players don't want to give anything to the league. They don't want to give something big to the NFL in exchange for stripping Goodell of the judge, jury, executioner powers. And the other thing is going to be guaranteed contracts. Aaron Rodgers said it adamantly to me, absolutely guaranteed contracts.

The NFL should move to shorter, fully guaranteed contracts for players

In my opinion, I think the NFL should sign players to shorter contracts and guaranteed contracts. You're a battering ram. These guys basicially have two years left on a contract, but it's not guaranteed, so they just walk away.

At least five teams in the league right now could easily win the Super Bowl

I'll name them right now. These are the teams that I think easily could win the Super Bowl this year: New England, Pittsburgh, Denver. Now, Minnesota could win the Super Bowl. Green Bay could win the Super Bowl. Philadelphia could win the Super Bowl. Have you seen their defense play? They've allowed 27 points in three games.

The Bears will move on from Jay Cutler in the offseason

I think they ought to give Jay Cutler a gold watch, say thanks for everything. We've got to move on. He'll start somewhere next year. I believe that they tried very hard to get Marcus Mariota.

Michael Vick should be in the Hall of Fame based on his on-field performance

I would vote Michael Vick for the Hall of Fame based only on what he did on the field. But I don't think he did enough as an NFL player to be on the field. But whatever happened to him off the field, even though it did cost him two years, would not prevent me from voting for him for the Hall of Fame.

Carson Palmer has 'turned back into a pumpkin' and is no longer elite.

Turns out Carson Palmer... Turned back into a pumpkin. It struck midnight, and Carson Palmer turned back into a glass slipper.

Trevor Siemian was 'Wally Pipped' by Paxton Lynch.

Also, did Trevor Siemian just get Wally Pipped? Ooh. I think he did. He got Wally Pipped by Bill Paxton Lynch. Put him in a twister.

Jeff Fisher will lose his next two games because the Rams are in L.A.

Jeff Fisher is losing his next two games now that the Rams are in L.A. Hollywood Jeff is going to be reading the dailies. He's going to see his name and variety. And he's like 3-1, 3-1. I know another team from Golden State that was 3-1 not too long ago.

Andrew Luck gets a pass for mistakes because the Colts' offensive line is atrocious.

I'm done making fun of Andrew Luck. That's the worst offensive line I've ever seen. He was running for his life the entire time. I'm actually going to give him an active pass and let him know that it's okay. You can fuck up because that offensive line is atrocious.

Next year will finally be the year Ryan Tannehill makes the leap

I think next year is the year that Ryan Tannehill is really going to make that leap. Yep. They need to give him a couple more extensions, really show they have faith in him, and then eventually he'll blossom.

Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life

Is there a conspiracy that Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life so they can keep it illegal? ... who else do we know anyone else who's been addicted to weed?

My J.J. Watt shoes caused my broken foot and J.J. Watt's back injury

My big takeaway, and I'm just connecting dots here, I was wearing J.J. Watt's shoes. J.J. Watt was wearing J.J. Watt's shoes. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

J.J. Watt's Super Bowl is having 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos

Bad news, you're out for the season. Good news, you now have 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos. Yeah, how many squats and box jumps can he fit into 10 months? Which, when you think about it, is J.J. Watt's Super Bowl. If J.J. Watt had the choice, win a Super Bowl or get 10 months to talk about making a comeback... I think he's going that way.

J.J. Watt needs to wear a surgery cone so he doesn't re-injure himself working too hard

The bottom line is J.J. Watt needs a cone around his head like you give to a dog after surgery because he's so anxious to prove what a hard work he is. This is what it's all about. He rushed back from a back surgery so he could be like, oh, I'm a big, tough guy.

There should be a 'Walking Awareness Month' in the NFL

Why isn't there a walking awareness month in the NFL? Walking injures more people statistically. People die all the time walking in front of cars. Drunk walking. Yeah, but they die walking. There should be walking awareness month if Roger Goodell truly cares about his fans.

Bill Belichick is more important to the Patriots than Tom Brady

Who is more important to the Patriots, Belichick or Brady? Belichick.

The Patriots are definitely winning the Super Bowl this year

You think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl? Sure. Come on. Don't say sure. Just say yes or no. Yes. I mean, how could they not?

The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine

I think if you're a Dallas Cowboy, you should be allowed to do cocaine. I think that's one of the rules. The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine.

The Chicago Bears are the worst team in the NFL

The Bears are the worst team in the NFL... No, they are. I said that. It was a definitive statement I said.

The Sam Bradford trade was a win for both the Vikings and the Eagles

I was the biggest winner because I said that it was a great trade for the Vikings and a great trade for the Eagles because the Eagles can now start Carson Wentz, who I believed in, and the Vikings now have Sam Bradford as a higher ceiling than whoever they were going to start.

The Vikings have the best defense in the NFL

But seriously, though, the Vikings look awesome. Their defense, I mean, best defense in the league. Probably.

Peyton Manning will not sign with the New England Patriots

Hard no. [Peyton Manning signing with the Patriots is a] hard no.

Tom Brady is a system quarterback and Jacoby Brissett is better than him

Tom Brady, system quarterback. That's obvious right now. I have not seen Tom Brady—did you see how fast [Jacoby] Brissett was? That's a whole other dimension. I think he's a better quarterback than Tom Brady.

Brock Osweiler sucks

And Brock Osweiler, holy shit, I think he sucks. I don't know if that's like that vaunted Bill Belichick scheme on defense or whatever it is, but he certainly looked like a kindergartner, a really tall kindergartner out there.

Terrelle Pryor is the Cleveland Browns' best quarterback option because everyone else will get injured

So they asked him if he was going to be willing to play quarterback because obviously if you're a Cleveland Browns quarterback, it's like being in the movie Final Destination. They've already lost two. They've got [Cody] Kessler. So Kessler is going to get hurt this weekend, too. And they said, Terrell, would you play? And he goes, I cut my finger off for the team.

Mike McCarthy cycles play-calling duties annually just to avoid being held accountable for failure

Every year I feel like Mike McCarthy either gives up play calling or gets play calling back. If you move the play calling stick around, then nobody's really at fault.

Carson Wentz will look like a deflated Ben Roethlisberger in two years

Carson Wentz strikes me as the kind of guy that's going to get fat later, though... Two years from now, Carson Wentz is going to look like a slightly deflated and less aggressive Ben Roethlisberger.

Andy Reid is a mediocre coach who will never win a Super Bowl

Andy Reid is just kind of there all the time... He's not threatening. He's not going to win a Super Bowl, but he's going to make your team okay.

It's time to ask if Andrew Luck is a bust

Is it time to ask, is Andrew Luck a bust? Andrew Luck has caused me so many gambling woes, and the latest one this week where he was just throwing the game away... I can't really tell you anything from [the weekend] except that I hate Andrew Luck. Like, that's my biggest takeaway.

Von Miller is the best defensive player in NFL history

Best defensive player in the league ever. It's not even close. There's no one even who can touch him, not in the same stratosphere, not any Houston Texans, no one. It's Von Miller and then a bunch of random guys. Bunch of losers.

Kirk Cousins is still a really good quarterback

My biggest takeaway is that Kirk Cousins is still really good. Oh, yeah. He is not afraid to sling it. That guy, he'll stare down a receiver on a slant route and not even look at the middle of the field. That's the type of confidence that you need your quarterback to have.

Tom Brady will be the best he's ever been in 2016 because he is angry

I think New England's going to go 14-2 or 15-1. I think Tom Brady's so angry right now, and he's going to be the best player he's ever been. So that's my AFC story.

The Panthers and Cardinals will meet in the NFC Championship game

I'll put Cam Newton back in the Super Bowl just because I'm boring like that. I think maybe Arizona would be my fourth team. Give me that NFC championship right there.

The Bears will beat the Eagles 24-20 on Monday Night Football

If I had to give you my score prediction, I would say Bears win 24-20. That's what the streets in Bakersfield are saying. I don't know what them motherfuckers [in Philly] are saying, nigga. That's what the fuck I'm saying.

Bill Belichick would actually sign Jeff Garcia off the street

Realistically, you guys are thinking I'm joking about this. Jeff Garcia. If you don't think that Belichick would actually sign Jeff Garcia, you're an idiot because he would. He has been looking at Garcia's number in his phone and just staring at it almost pressing call for the last two hours.

Arian Foster's groin injury is a result of kneeling for the national anthem

Couldn't help but notice that Arian Foster kneeled for the national anthem... and he injured his groin severely today. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Just saying. It's kind of interesting. Little God. I mean, God is American.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is a top three quarterback if given time against a bad defense

I still think Ryan Fitzpatrick is – I think he's a top three quarterback in the NFL if you give him a lot of time and if you play against a bad defense.

The Rams will beat the Seahawks this week

I think [Jeff Fisher] is going to beat the Seahawks this week.