Takes

Allowing private equity investment in NFL teams will make the league 10% worse.

The NFL is considering approving private equity investment in teams... It means it's gonna suck. The league is gonna get 10% worse because private equity, they're gonna come in and they're just gonna try to figure out how to streamline everything. They're gonna fire all the mascots.

The Chiefs are guaranteed to win the Super Bowl now that they have cut Kadarius Toney.

Kadarius Toney has been cut. Oh no. Yeah. So the Chiefs just became Super Bowl champs. This is also very bad news for anybody that's playing against the Chiefs because Kadarius Toney was one of your better players if you were playing against the Chiefs last year. Just by him no longer being on the Chiefs, what was his WAR? It was probably like minus two last year.

Andy Reid will become the all-time winningest NFL coach if he stays for five or six more years

If he coaches for five to six more years and the Chiefs go between 11 and 13 wins, he will be the all time leading NFL coach in wins. Right now he's fourth.

Three championships in five years officially makes the Chiefs a dynasty

I think you can even zoom out and just say about the Chiefs if they win this game of Dynasty. Yeah. Because that's a rule, right? Dynasty talk. Three championships in five years. That's Dynasty. This is crowning them being the new dynasty.

Super Bowl LVIII is the worst possible matchup for Las Vegas Raiders fans

This is the worst possible matchup for Las Vegas Raiders fans because they have the Niners who they used to share a city with kind of... and they have an AFC West rival. It would be like if they did the Super Bowl in Philadelphia and it was Cowboys-Patriots.

The NFL is literally rigged for money and views

NFL is rigged for views for money. Yeah. It is... They literally changed the rule book to make offense better. Correct? Yes. It is, it is rigged for money.

Mike Silver's hire by the Washington Football Team is a PR move to get guaranteed positive coverage

The Washington Football Team... pulled a masterful stroke, which is just hiring Mike Silver, the guy who will say—you don't even have to pay Mike Silver to say nice things about you. You just have to go out to steak dinners with him once every four months like Hugh Jackson. I would imagine that the Washington Football Team will have Hugh Jackson as a coach soon.

Bill Belichick might be stashing impact starters on a 'shadow team' via COVID opt-outs

I think that the Patriots might be putting together like a shadow team. Just getting through camp and he's got all these guys that he knows wants to be impact starters. He's like, they're gonna be my shadow team. They're going to stay healthy and then I'm going to bring them in... That's just me being too woke because Belichick is always up to something.

Jamal Adams is the new Antonio Brown of contract disputes

Dak Prescott and Jamal Adams to figure out whose contract is going to be... he is the new Antonio Brown. Not on the mental side, I'm talking about the fact that he is all convinced that he's a free agent when he's still got two years [left] that they can control his contract.

Jordan Love is the perfect fit for the Raiders because he has the huge hands and big arm that the team loves

Mel Kiper said Jordan Love to the Raiders which would be awesome because Jordan Love is like the perfect huge hands big arm guy the Raiders like... still don't change much, keep doing you Raiders. Love it.

John Gruden is gun-shy about hiring any NFL player that has a prominent Instagram account

I think John [Gruden] is actually just gun-shy about hiring any single NFL player that has an Instagram account after what happened last year with Antonio Brown. If he hears the term social media around a player that he's evaluate. He's like, I'm out that social media. It's the devil's work.

Mitchell Trubisky is unable to throw the football to his left side

Trubisky can't throw left. He can throw right. That's why we actually did the Cam Newton... cam cancel, right?

I'm nervous that the 2020 NFL season might actually be cancelled or pushed back

I've reached the point where it started to hit me that football season might get [cancelled]. Okay, and yeah now it's real.

I think Antonio Brown is actually going crazy and having a mental break

I actually think Antonio Brown is – I think there's something wrong with him. I think that he's, like, going crazy. He's had, like – an actual mental break that doesn't mean that like we can't joke around about the whole helmet saga because that is fucking hilarious but I actually think that there's something wrong with the guy.

I think Antonio Brown might be on the autism spectrum because of his helmet fixation

Maybe he might be autistic because this is something like seriously. This is something that an autistic person would get very attached to their helmet. Like it's their tool that they use... maybe he's got Asperger's.

The 'Green Zone' on-field graphic will save the NFL's TV ratings

Breaking moves. I think the NFL has figured out how to save their ratings in their league. The green zone. It's a new feature they rolled out tonight. It's on third downs. It shows you how far players will have to go at any point during the play to get a first down.

NFL ratings will be insane this season despite hater predictions

All you fucking haters out there who say the NFL... Guess what? The NFL's back, and there's a shitload of us watching it. We love it... Ratings are going to be insane.

Getting kicked out of NFL practice for fighting is a veteran move to get the day off

Once you get past like year four in the NFL, your role in training camp is to just see how little training camp you can do. We call that the Brett Favre. [Kyle Long] got kicked out of practice because he got into a fight... it's a vet move. You throw a punch, get the day off.