Takes

Major colleges shorten their tracks to fake faster 40-yard dash times during Pro Days

I think that the major programs out there are making a section of their practice fields where the hash marks are slightly closer together. So the place where they have them run the 40-yard dashes at their own pro days, it's actually slightly less than 40 yards, which would make them time out better.

Antonio Brown is trying to convince himself he's happy in Oakland, but he will demand a trade within six weeks

I don't think he wants to be an Oakland Raider. And he's trying to convince himself that this is the good move... I wouldn't be shocked if he demands a trade within the first six weeks. That'd be amazing.

John Dorsey leaked the Kareem Hunt video to drive down his price so the Browns could sign him cheaply

The Stay Woke is John Dorsey is the general manager of the Browns. He was the general manager of the Chiefs. He drafted Kareem Hunt. Kareem Hunt's incident happened in a Cleveland hotel. It didn't come out for a long time. John Dorsey's in Cleveland. It comes out. Then John Dorsey gets Kareem Hunt for a million bucks.

Southern Californian referees conspired to help the Rams win the NFC Championship

Four of the refs, NFC Championship game, were from Southern California, where the LA Rams reside. ... They waited their whole life for the Rams to come back to LA. Then they were like, 'now's our time to strike.' Then they struck.

The Patriots brought in Adrian Peterson specifically to injure him so no one else could sign him

The Patriots specifically just brought Peterson in to try to injure him in a workout so that no other team could get him.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL is just faking his endorsements

I think that John Madden's actually dead. I think that the NFL is just attributing quotes to John Madden when they make changes to the game of football so that everybody would be like, oh, well, John Madden's a football guy. He approves of this change.

Bill Belichick sends his assistants to AFC teams specifically to destroy them from within

Every single Belichick assistant that has spun off into a head coach or front office guy at another team has gone to work in the AFC, and they've systematically destroyed that team that they've gone to and made it an easier schedule for the Patriots. McDaniels just completely destroyed Denver. Pioli and company went to the Chiefs. Bill O'Brien... Texans stink. Saban fucked up the Dolphins too.

Voters are more likely to support political change when their local NFL team is losing

When your football team is good, you're more likely to vote for an incumbent. And when your football team's bad, you're more likely to vote for a new guy. The Jaguars and Dolphins sucked up until Election Day. Wisconsin voted Trump. Steelers sucked at the start of the year, Pennsylvania voted Trump. Carolina Panthers suck, North Carolina voted for Trump too.

Roger Goodell's failure to suspend Aaron Hernandez is encouraging other players to mimic him

Players are starting to do the Aaron Hernandez crack the safe money toss touchdown celebration. I have. So stay woke. Roger Goodell in his negligence and failing to suspend Aaron Hernandez despite being convicted of murder... he's emboldened the players to mimic Aaron Hernandez. I wouldn't be surprised if there were some more murders.

Roger Goodell is making kickers miss to save money on the NFL's Salute to Service donations

The NFL donates $1,000 to the three core nonprofit partners for every point scored [during Salute to Service month]. Roger Goodell... is trying to save a little coin. The NFL ratings are hurting... He probably sat everyone down and said, guess what? We'll get some kickers to miss some extra points. Boom. $11,000 saved today.

Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life

Is there a conspiracy that Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life so they can keep it illegal? ... who else do we know anyone else who's been addicted to weed?