Takes

Pepper jack cheese is white, not yellow

Pepper jack is white dude. It's all white, red and green. You picked a white cheese. If pepper jack's not yellow then no cheese should have been allowed.

Having kids is a massive money pit

I want to say that I don't see this as a waste, but it is a waste. Having kids is just... it's a money pit. ... If you buy a kid a toy, they play with it for about five minutes. Then they're like, I'm gonna play with your fucking shoes or something that could kill me. ... You should actually just adopt your kids when they're 17 years old. You spend way less money on them.

I pee in 100% of the pools I have ever been in

I piss in every pool I've ever been in. Yep. A hundred percent. Yep. All the time. ... Every pool I've ever been in, in my entire life. Every pool I've pissed in.

The losing team of Mount Rushmore season must do a 24-hour solitary confinement stream in a white padded room

The punishment that I am offering up for Mount Rushmore season is the losing team has to do a 24-hour stream in a white padded room. Solitary confinement. Obviously you're not solitary because you're with someone else. 24 hours. Nothing else in the room.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

Albert Einstein is an idiot because he married his first cousin

Einstein. Smartest guy alive, fucking married his cousin. What a foe... he F fucked his cousin. That makes no sense... He's not that smart. In my opinion. He's an idiot... he was like, yeah, you're not this isn't too incestuous enough for me. I need some fucking [cousin].

Men digest food 14 hours faster than women because men 'just get shit done'

A Mayo clinic study showed that the digestion process moves faster in men. It takes 33 hours mouth to butt in men and 47 hours for women... men are digesting 14 hours faster than women. And we just get shit done.

The lighter was invented before the match

The lighter was invented before the match... that's crazy... it'd be like, let's make this worse [with the match].

Zoom happy hours suck and the novelty wore off in two weeks

Zoom happy hours. Remember when people tried to make that a thing? Everyone acted like, oh, we don't see our friends, so let's do a happy hour on Zoom. And then I think people did it for like a week or two... Everyone realized it sucked.

All dogs die

All dogs die. ... It's a hard pill to swallow. ... The human death is, yes, it's obviously worse, but you don't deal with it in the amount that, like, if you live to 80, you're going to have probably eight dogs, nine dogs.

Age 25 is the peak for physical strength in the human body

I'll go with 25. Peak strength. That is the human body's at your peak strength. [...] It's scientific fact. When you're 24 or 25, that's why BYU always wins games. [...] 25 is your peak strength.

Bees are the most important farm animals because they sustain the ecosystem

I'm going with bees. They're actually the most important animal that you can have. And when they're dying at an alarming rate, then all the other plants and animals in the ecosystem, they face a rapid decline in population once the bees are gone.

If you have a stubborn fart, you should get on all fours like a dog to release it

You know when you've got to really fart bad and you can't and you get on all fours? That's a good position... Someday my son's going to come out and be like, well, dad, why are you on the floor? I got to fart. Son, this is how we fart.

'Out of pocket' is the worst office buzzword because nobody knows what it actually means

Number one, I cannot stand when people say out of pocket. I don't even know what that means... See, this is the worst buzzword because no one even knows what it means. So when you say out of pocket, you're an asshole for this. It could also go on the Mount Rushmore of excuses. I'm out of pocket. And then when someone says, I thought you were out of pocket, you had your phone on you, said, no, I'm out of pocket. I don't have my phone. I don't have anything. I'm out of pocket.