Takes

Opening Counter-Strike skin cases is officially back

My who's back of the week is going to be Counterstrike cases specifically opening them... They went CS:GO case unboxings, $590,000 in cases they unboxed. Unprecedented territory is what we're approaching there.

The 'pregnant' stingray Charlotte isn't actually pregnant and is just fat

Charlotte, the pregnant Stingray has still not given birth, which makes me think this might be a publicity stunt... if a shark had relations with a female Stingray who is pregnant even though she hasn't seen a male stingray in eight years... we need a conclusion to this. Otherwise she's just fat.

Boxers and porn stars never actually retire

Boxers in porn stars never really retire. They always say they do. They're always ready for one more. It just always, you know what I mean? You'll see. You just be like, no, no, if you're there's one more you just age into becoming a MILF.

The state of Arizona is right to end Daylight Savings Time

I don't care about the daylight savings technicality... why we do it. I'm pretty sure the state of Arizona ended it. ... I just don't understand why farmers need to have us bent over a barrel for them. I'm sick of it. Agreed. It's very depressing.

Pablo Escobar's hippos have been legally classified as 'persons' by a US court.

Pablo Escobar's hippos have been classified as humans under the court of law... verbal meme: people like cocaine, big domino Pablo Escobar's hippos get classified as humans, human rights.

Anyone who announces they are retiring from Twitter is an asshole who will eventually return

Here's just a simple rule in life. If you announce that you are retiring from Twitter, you're probably a fucking asshole who will be back on Twitter in due time. That was Chrissy's biggest thing... we pulled you back in you can't fucking leave we got you we got our claws in you you're a fucking loser like us

Passively taking five Airborne tablets a day is likely what caused my kidney stone

So I overdosed on vitamin C, apparently taking like four to five tablets of Airborne every single day for a week because we were traveling last week... and Saturday morning, just pissed out a little pebble.

I need to catch a bat to test it for rabies so I don't have to get shots in my stomach

If I catch the bat then I can test the bat for rabies. So I don't have to get a bunch of shots in my stomach... I'm going to stay up all night to find this bat.

Wearing a mask doesn't count if you don't cover your nose

If you're gonna say that everyone should wear masks, you really got to get it over the nose. Yeah. You got to be a [P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-er]. You gotta do it. You gotta show up. You gotta be a diaper Dandy really swaddle your face in that thing.

I survived COVID-19 because my immune system is strong

My immune system's pretty strong, not to brag. I body diseases pretty easily. You did survive Coronavirus. I did. Yeah.

African bullfrogs are the only frogs with teeth

African bullfrogs, too, called pixie frogs on the market... Can we let it loose in here? They're the only frog with teeth. They have teeth, yeah. It's awesome.

Murder Hornets are not a real threat because anything you can kill with a newspaper is not a problem

I'm officially done with being swayed by the Murder Hornet... fuck the Murder Hornet. If I can kill something with a newspaper, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. I'd rather be Mike Tyson's trainer or stuck in a room with one single Murder Hornet, I'd drive the Murder Hornet, I'd fuck the Murder Hornet up.

Loneliness has the same effect on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day

Loneliness has the same effect on [mortality] as smoking 15 cigarettes a day... so if you're lonely, just smoke a bunch of cigarettes and you'll actually be healthier [because you'll make friends].

There is a 0% chance the falling Chinese satellite hits me

There's 0% chance the Chinese satellite hits me. Okay. 0% chance. I'm just saying. I'm not scared.