Takes

Opening Counter-Strike skin cases is officially back

My who's back of the week is going to be Counterstrike cases specifically opening them... They went CS:GO case unboxings, $590,000 in cases they unboxed. Unprecedented territory is what we're approaching there.

The 'pregnant' stingray Charlotte isn't actually pregnant and is just fat

Charlotte, the pregnant Stingray has still not given birth, which makes me think this might be a publicity stunt... if a shark had relations with a female Stingray who is pregnant even though she hasn't seen a male stingray in eight years... we need a conclusion to this. Otherwise she's just fat.

There are more trees in Canada than there are stars in the Milky Way

You know what I learned today? There's more trees in Canada than there are Stars in the Milky Way. Is that true? Damn. Yeah. I went to a museum today.

Boxers and porn stars never actually retire

Boxers in porn stars never really retire. They always say they do. They're always ready for one more. It just always, you know what I mean? You'll see. You just be like, no, no, if you're there's one more you just age into becoming a MILF.

The state of Arizona is right to end Daylight Savings Time

I don't care about the daylight savings technicality... why we do it. I'm pretty sure the state of Arizona ended it. ... I just don't understand why farmers need to have us bent over a barrel for them. I'm sick of it. Agreed. It's very depressing.

This summer will be the 'Summer of Fake Butts'

I have a theory. This is going to be the summer of fake butts. The Roaring Twenties. My theory is that a lot of people got elective cosmetic surgery during this year that the world hit pause. And this summer, you're going to see a lot of fake asses that come out of nowhere.

Anyone who announces they are retiring from Twitter is an asshole who will eventually return

Here's just a simple rule in life. If you announce that you are retiring from Twitter, you're probably a fucking asshole who will be back on Twitter in due time. That was Chrissy's biggest thing... we pulled you back in you can't fucking leave we got you we got our claws in you you're a fucking loser like us

I need to catch a bat to test it for rabies so I don't have to get shots in my stomach

If I catch the bat then I can test the bat for rabies. So I don't have to get a bunch of shots in my stomach... I'm going to stay up all night to find this bat.

I survived COVID-19 because my immune system is strong

My immune system's pretty strong, not to brag. I body diseases pretty easily. You did survive Coronavirus. I did. Yeah.

Murder Hornets are not a real threat because anything you can kill with a newspaper is not a problem

I'm officially done with being swayed by the Murder Hornet... fuck the Murder Hornet. If I can kill something with a newspaper, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. I'd rather be Mike Tyson's trainer or stuck in a room with one single Murder Hornet, I'd drive the Murder Hornet, I'd fuck the Murder Hornet up.

There is a 0% chance the falling Chinese satellite hits me

There's 0% chance the Chinese satellite hits me. Okay. 0% chance. I'm just saying. I'm not scared.

I'm going to pretend it's summer for my mental health and start tanning on Tuesdays

I'm so fucking sick of winter... I've just decided I'm going to pretend that it's summertime. I'm going to get back into wearing Hawaiian shirts. I'm going to go tanning. Shorts are back... I'm going to go tanning on Tuesdays. I'm going to just be so far in denial of winter.