Takes

Skiing is a fitness vacation

[You're going on a diet a week before vacation?] Skiing is basically a fitness vacation. Yes.

Men have an innate psychological need for physical 'adventures' like digging holes

I think that like, as we're growing up, I was under the assumption that I would have just non-stop adventures. And I think that guys just need adventures sometimes. It sounds like he's found his adventure, which we should be applauding... guys will literally dig a giant hole in their backyard for years at a time, instead of going to therapy.

Having a rival or a point of principle to beef over is healthy for an adult

I honestly don't. I think this guy is actually the most well adjusted adult I've ever heard because he seems like a great guy, but having a grudge or a point of principle that you will not let up... It's like a bulldog with a tennis ball in his mouth. Sometimes guys just have to do that... Having something to drive you every single day is healthy.

I could defeat a bald eagle in a fight by grabbing it and slamming it on the ground.

The move would be to jump up in the air and to grab it like you're mossing nature. And you just grab it and then you slam it on the ground. Smother it... while it's trying to do that, just boom, stamp him on his head.

I would defeat a King Cobra in a fight by letting it bite me and then strangling it.

I would simply let it bite me. And then after it was latched on, then you just strangle it. And hope it doesn't kill you... if you kill the cobra first, but you die after, you still win.

Crocodiles are easier to defeat on land than cobras because they cannot move laterally.

I actually think I'd have more trouble with the cobra than I would a crocodile. It's at foot level, so it's perfect kicking... I would just run around it to its back and then just fucking get him from behind. He can't move laterally.

Everything is 'cheugy' if someone dislikes you enough to label you as such

I think everything can be cheugy. Everything can be cheugy if somebody dislikes you enough to want to force you into a cheugy category.

Society is trending into the toilet

What we're saying is our society is heading to the toilet. So in 12 years when my son has to go through middle school and high school, it is going to be a landmine... It's going to be way worse in 15 years. Like the world's not going to be better.

You can't beat a Waffle House cook on his home turf; you need to use sneaky tactics

I obviously I'm very much on this guy side. I want him to win. I think he needs to start thinking a lot smarter though... you're not going to beat him on his home turf. No, you have to find a sneaky way to do this.

Short guys wearing high heels is an alpha move compared to wearing lifts

If you wore lifts in your in your shoes. That's a clown move if you were heels, that's a I'm so confident in myself. I don't give a fuck. It's an alpha move, right? I will dress up as a woman Checkmate and be six feet tall Checkmate.

The only way to cure a Dave & Buster's obsession is to beat the person and get a higher score on every single game

The only way that you can actually beat this [Dave & Buster's obsession] is if you get better at Dave and Buster's than him. That's the only way. ... The only solution, if you really don't want to go to Buster's, is you have to get the high score on every single fucking game. ... You have to win more tickets than him one time. ... And he will never go again.

The husband starting the magician restaurant is going to go bankrupt

Guess what? You're opening a magician's restaurant and you're putting all your life savings into it and your kids aren't going to college because their dad is going to be opening a magician's restaurant that's probably going to be pretty sweet until you go bankrupt like three months into it.

The Jeffrey Epstein decoy body conspiracy is my preferred theory

I'm going to defer all my conspiracy theories to the band Foster the People... they tweeted out that it's not his body. It's a decoy body. So he's alive probably on a private jet somewhere, and they killed somebody else that looked kind of like him.

There is no difference between being a hardcore football fan and someone who treats mouse figurines like family

There's zero difference between what we do and these people pretending that their mouse figurines are part of their family. ... We're paying so much attention to football and watching Hard Knocks and breaking down all 22 for no reason on Twitter, they would probably be like, these guys are a bunch of weirdos.

Communicating with in-laws through mouse figurines would actually be a godsend for avoiding awkward conversations

You're actually lucky because guess what? You don't have to actually ever have a conversation with your in-laws. You just have to have a conversation with their figurine mice. That's a fucking godsend. You never have to be like, oh, when are you having kids? ... Just fucking talk to Timothy the mouse and you're good.

I am less confident in humanity's survival after hearing about people who eat live bugs.

You have people who have been eating bugs their entire life think that they need to share their story with the internet. ... Now we know about him. And I feel like 0.01% less confident that humanity will continue.

Dodgeball is a great game and researchers shouldn't overthink its 'oppressive' nature

I kind of disagree with [the research]. I feel like physical education should just be like, play a bunch of shitty games, don't have to be in class for an hour, and don't overthink it. It's just a game that you just fucking pass the time with when you're shitty gym teachers like here just throw balls at each other.

Life skills like gambling and buying weed teach more math than school classes

I've learned 50 times as much math from gambling and smoking weed and buying weed than I ever did in any sort of math class.