Takes

Jim Furyk's 58 deserves an asterisk because he didn't even win the tournament.

I was about to say, like, shouldn't there be an asterisk on his round? It absolutely is. I mean, it happens all the time. So I guess good for Furyk. But like at the end of the day, you know, you don't get a trophy because he shot a 58.

Jay Cutler is the only professional athlete who is treated like a woman

I love how Jay Cutler is the only professional athlete that's treated like a woman, really. Like, honey, you'd be so much better if you'd just smile, babe.

You can't spend more than 12 hours in Canton without getting legally drunk

I mean you can't spend more than 12 hours in Canton without getting legally drunk. I was there last year. It is – it's one of the worst times.

Russell Westbrook will always do the exact opposite of what people tell him to do

Everyone just assumed [Westbrook] was going to go to L.A. And if I've learned anything about Russell Westbrook, if you tell him what he's going to do, he'll just do the exact opposite.

The planet would be better off without mosquitoes

Number one, mosquitoes. I don't know what part of the ecosystem mosquitoes fits into, but you can't convince me that the planet wouldn't be better without mosquitoes.

Anyone who owns a ferret is probably a murderer

Ferrets. Because anyone who owns a ferret is probably a murderer, and that's just like pre-crime. We basically created pre-crime by getting rid of ferrets.

Grackles are the world's shittiest bird

I'd like to add grackles to the list. They're the world's shittiest bird. They're ten times worse than any sort of bird out there.

My trial will be the trial of the decade

The trial is next year in June. It promises to be trial of the decade. I want to make it out to be this big thing. I want it to be like pay-per-view.

Vaccinations are great and people who dispute them are idiots

They're great. People who dispute them are idiots. And more people should be vaccinated for more things. I feel horrible that people mouth off about this stuff without knowing the facts.

If you ask someone if something is good or bad and they say 'it's complicated,' that means it sucks

If I ask you if something's good or bad and you say it's complicated, that means it sucks. Fine, fair enough.

Robert Griffin III driving a 1992 Volkswagen to practice is a major try-hard move

Robert Griffin III rolled up to practice in a 1992 Volkswagen today... I thought it would be someone who actually still owned an old car, not someone that went out and borrowed a friend's old car just so that people would write stories about him driving to practice. It makes Robert Griffin seem like a real try-hard.

Nick Saban is a spiteful, vindictive, irrational baby of a man

So you're saying that Nick Saban is a spiteful, vindictive, irrational baby of a man? You think? No doy. I like that this guy actually thought like he was going to just tell Nick Saban he's quitting. And Nick would be like, you know what? Best of luck to you, man.

You don't give Nick Saban a two-week notice; you sneak out in the middle of the night and tweet that you're leaving

You don't put in a two weeks notice at Alabama. That's a move where you slip the janitor 50 bucks to get in in the middle of the night and you just take all your shit out and then you tweet the fact that you're leaving to Nick Saban. That's how you leave.

You should give homeless people gift cards instead of cash or food

Here's what you do next time. Get them a gift card. Problem solved... $5 gift card.

You should never bring up anything you thought was funny online while on a date

As a general rule of thumb, you don't ever want to bring up anything that you thought was funny online on a date.

Jeb Bush doesn't know how to use a keyboard because he's a low energy guy

Jeb Bush has not tweeted at me. Um, that's probably cause he's just such a low energy guy. He can't figure out how to use a keyboard.

Witches are more real than the ghosts in scary movies

Witches. Big time fear... They're more real than [Hank's] scary movies.

The Olympic athletes freezing their sperm due to Zika aren't getting any action anyway

People are blowing [Zika] way out of proportion. I mean, the guys that are freezing their sperm are definitely not getting any action, you know?

LeBron James is a dickhead and I would never want him on my rugby team

Probably the last person I would want is LeBron... strictly because he's a dickhead. He's a dickhead. If I had to go with anyone, it would probably be AP, Adrian Peterson. He would be good at that.

Russell Wilson is almost too short to be on a sports poster

We were a little bit worried about Russell because, you know, people said you should do a poster. I thought, you know, he might be too short. You know, he's kind of a little short to be on a poster.

Cleveland is a downgrade for anyone living in Milwaukee

You can't just take a downgrade to Cleveland like that [from Milwaukee]. You've got to know if you're in Milwaukee, that's a city of champions.

If you do anything in life, be completely average at it to avoid public scrutiny

The moral of your story right there is if you do anything in life, just make sure you're completely average at it. Because the minute you draw attention to yourself one way or the other, that's when people start saying your nickname happens to be a little racist.

I will not let a friend use my phone charger unless my own battery is at least 70%

I'm a hog. I'm a charge hog. I'm kind of an asshole. [I have to be at] 70% [to let someone else use it].

Asking a friend to get something on Barstool is the worst favor you can ask

Can you get this on Barstool? The worst. People know I haven't talked to in years will text me a little blue like, yo, put this on Barstool.

Asking someone to come on your sports podcast is a huge dick move

Can you come on my podcast? So that's a huge – I hate it. I hate when people try to get you to go on, like, your sports podcast and, like, try to joke around with them. Big time dick move if anybody out there does that.

Being asked to be a Maid of Honor is a rough favor to fulfill

Will you be my maid of honor? Like that's such a – that is a rough ask. If you're a maid of honor, you've got to plan out the entire bachelor party. You've got to plan out the wedding shower. You've got to plan out... basic bitch t-shirts.

An airport pickup or drop-off is a brutal favor

Airport pickup or drop-off. Brutal. Also, a cousin of that, can you take me to the hospital? worst.

Being shot is preferable to watching Mike Mularkey coach the Jaguars

I would get shot 10 times again instead of going through 2011 Jaguars again.

Mississippi State has the lowest IQ fan base in sports

No disrespect to my wife who's a Mississippi State graduate. I would say probably lowest IQ... I would say definitely Mississippi State.

Commando week is bad because of the drips

Commando week was, whoa, that was bad, dude. Yeah, because there's nothing to stop the drips. And it's the drip sweat that comes off your butt, butthole, taint area that really causes the stink. The underwear keeps that real tight.

It is impossible to satirize Donald Trump because he is already too over the top

I really think that Trump is not – you don't have the ability to satire Trump. Like he says shit that's way over the top of what I would even think of and it's real.

Draymond Green sending a dick pic is a 'nut shot' from the Warriors forward

Another nut shot from Draymond. Let me say that again. I stumbled over it. Another nut shot from Draymond.

If you claim you were hacked after a scandal, you must lean into it with more fake hacks

If you are going to go the hacked route, you have to go farther down the rabbit hole of hacked. So you accidentally snap a picture of your penis, then you accidentally snap a picture of a swastika, then you accidentally snap a picture of like you throwing a rock at a pigeon and then you're like shit I got hacked.

Draymond Green should sue Snapchat for entrapment

If I'm Draymond, I would consider suing Snapchat. They made an app that makes it really easy to send dick pics that disappear afterwards. So it's like entrapment.

The PGA Championship should be a frolf (frisbee golf) tournament to make it more interesting

You make the PGA Championship frolf instead of golf. Just switch it up on them. But all the golfers just now have to play frolf. And they have caddies... Tell me you wouldn't watch a frolf tournament.

LeBron James not signing with the Cavs yet is the biggest act of devastation to a city since Aaron Hernandez

If LeBron ends up not signing, I think this would be the biggest act of devastation that one player could ever cause to a franchise. And a city. Except for Aaron Hernandez.

In 100 years, everyone will have a voice that sounds exactly like Bruce Arians

If you look at Evolution – you know, 100 years from now, we're all going to be talking like Bruce Arians. It's just going to be a melting pot. And everybody's going to be really good at football.

Geno's Steaks in Philadelphia is trash

Number one, Pat's. Number two, South Philly. Number three, Geno's. Geno's is trash. I hate Geno's.

All roads in the NBA super team era lead back to LeBron James

All roads lead to LeBron James with this super team friends and family shit. Just know that. There's always a way back to LeBron James. He started this shit and now it's corroding and polluting the NBA.

Carmelo Anthony winning gold medals means nothing because the USA should beat China by 90

I think it's fantastic that Melo is winning another gold medal. It means jack shit to me. Like, they're down there winning those games if it's a big deal. Like, you're supposed to beat China by 94. I'm not impressed that you did a 360 dunk on a 6'3 Asian basketball player.

NBA players are garbage for dunking on kids at summer camps for social media

Why do these players keep shitting all over these little guys that play $2,500 to go up to their camp and they dunk on them, they humiliate them, and then they post it all over Snapchat? All of them. It's out of control.

Tony Montana is a top-tier bad guy, even though I've never seen 'Scarface'

My bad guys are, number one, Tony Montana. Now, I've never actually seen Scarface, but I'm told he's like the bad guy. I've seen the clip where he says, 'you need to point as a bad guy, and I'm the bad guy.'

God from the Old Testament is a top-tier bad guy

So I'll segue right from there into my number three which is God, God from the Old Testament. Kind of a bad guy. Threw a lot of stuff at people. People forget that. That God was kind of a hard ass.

Tom Brady is a bad guy

Number four on my Mount Rushmore of bad guys. Tom Brady. [Belichick] never got suspended. True. He only got fined.

Lord Voldemort is a top-tier bad guy

My number one bad guy, Lord Voldemort. I ain't going with the Harry Potter stuff. ... if you're going to be a bad guy, like an old Russian mobster with an accent, it doesn't get much worse than that.

Scott Hall (Razor Ramon) is the baddest bad guy in wrestling

I will go off movies now, Scott Hall, Razor Ramon. Maybe the baddest. ... Razor Ramon is the baddest of the bad then? Yeah, exactly.

NBA players should have the right to choose their super teams

I do believe that grownups should have the right to decide where they work. Kevin Durant was in Oklahoma City for almost 10 years. And if he wants to go play somewhere else, it doesn't really feel good for me as some random person sitting at home and saying, you know where I think you should live your life and work every day. I'm not a big fan of like the franchise tag.

Aroldis Chapman should have issued a stronger public apology after his domestic violence incident

I would have liked him to make a stronger statement of apology publicly because I think that not only is that important in sort of the evolution of him and how fans might want to feel about him, it's important for kids who put those little Cubs uniforms and caps on every day and come to the park. ... I would have liked to have seen more of that from him personally.

LeBron James' subtweets didn't matter during the season because the Cavaliers ultimately won the championship

I'm saying that I have so many more important things in my day to care about than like what for. ... Here's how we know [it's not a big deal]. They fucking won the NBA title. Like, that's how you know it wasn't a big deal. ... It clearly didn't matter.

Women in sports media should know 'No' is a complete sentence

I always say like, here's my advice. No is a complete sentence. Like you don't have to justify to anybody why you're saying no to anything because I think young women sometimes feel like they have to.